This story is dedicated to quite a few people. Kasie, Alex, all of my followers on Tumblr, Stardust585, matchbookjealousy, Xanjen, and everyone else who continuously and kindly reviews my stories. I love all of you so much.
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you say your time has come
you're tired of waking up
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The moment Kurt saw the neat little note tucked away into his bag, he knew something was wrong. The handwriting was beautiful, obviously written out slowly and thoughtfully, but the message was so sad and so blood chilling that Kurt dropped the paper like it was poisonous, and sprinted to his car without saying goodbye to his family.
Kurt,
Getting to know you and be friends with you has been so amazing this year, so this goodbye is that much harder. I can't deal with life anymore.
Don't cry, and don't blame yourself. This was going to happen sooner or later, and I'm just glad I got to know you, if even for a short time.
You are a beautiful person, and don't let anyone else tell you differently. You were always the strong one; I was the one who ran. You were always the one who was going to survive this world.
I just can't do this anymore.
Goodbye, and be happy.
I'm sorry.
Blaine
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don't be obscene, I can't conceive
living without you
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Blaine sat on the edge of his bed, toying the rope he stole from the garage. He was looping the end into a noose, playing with the fraying threads absent-mindedly. He was going to be able to sleep again. Soon, he was going to be at peace.
He stood up, pulling a chair over to sit directly under his overhead fan. Standing on the chair, Blaine wrapped the free end of the rope around the base of the fan, tying a secure knot. He tugged on the noose a couple of times, making sure it was secure, then, without hesitation, he pulled it over his head, relishing the scratchy feel of the rope on his skin.
"Blaine Anderson, get the hell down from there. Now." Blaine nearly fell from the chair as he spun around to face Kurt Hummel, who was panting and crying and furious and relieved and standing in the doorway.
"Kurt, don't stop me. Please."
The brunette boy looked offended and terrified, and he ran over to stand on the chair next to Blaine, lips trembling.
"I'm not letting you do this, Blaine. You're worth too much to go like this."
The dark-haired boy looked away, shaking his head. "Please, Kurt. Just let me have this."
But Kurt wasn't backing down. Instead, he pulled the knot looser, and slipped the noose over his head as well. Blaine gripped at his shoulders, frowning.
"What are you doing?" He asked, blinking rapidly. Kurt stared at him defiantly.
"If you die, I die, Blaine. You know this will kill me. Might as well do it together."
It was ridiculous. They would just end up breaking the rope or the ceiling fan or sort of strangling each other if the chair went, but that wasn't the point. The point was that Kurt wasn't going to live without Blaine, and that was the last thing Blaine wanted.
"Kurt…" he warned, trying to slip the noose from around Kurt's neck. "Please…"
The lithe boy grabbed hold of the rope, throwing it off both their head. "Not on my watch, Anderson." Kurt stepped down from the chair, pulling Blaine with him gently. Pausing, he brushed a loose strand of hair from Blaine's face, his voice hushed. "Not on my watch."
Leading them over to Blaine's bed, Kurt sat down, sighing in relief. He refused to let go of Blaine's hand, as if the boy would die as soon as he turned his back. "Where are your parents?"
Blaine shrugged, avoiding Kurt's eyes. "Don't know, don't care."
Kurt looked taken aback. "What if they were in the house, Blaine? Don't you know what this would do to them?"
The curly-haired boy just laughed bitterly. "Of course I do. They'd finally be rid of a burden and an embarrassment. Everyone would."
"What?" Kurt breathed, a lump forming in his throat.
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you say you drag me down
no one should want you now
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Blaine shrugged, staring at his shoes. "Nobody would mourn my death. It would be a relief to everyone. Including me."
A crack resonated across the room. Kurt was panting heavily, tears leaking from his eyes. A faint, pink outline of his hand glowed on Blaine's cheek. The curly-haired boy looked shocked.
"Don't. Say. That. Ever. Because there are so many people who love you. And one person who cannot live without you." Kurt's chest heaved with repressed sobs, and he had to look away as the tears rolled liberally down his face.
Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat as he caressed Kurt's face gently. The slender boy was full-out sobbing now, and he wrapped his arms around Blaine tightly. The older boy let a tear fall as his friend cried into his chest; he hadn't wanted to hurt anyone. He just wanted to sleep.
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i start to cry, you kiss my eyes and say
i'm not allowed to
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"Kurt…" His voice was rough with emotion, but he kept his words steady. "Kurt, please. Don't cry. You know I hate it when you cry."
Kurt laughed darkly, looking up at Blaine with watery eyes. "Then stop making me sad."
Blaine pulled the boy close again, sighing into his shoulder. "I'm sorry. But Kurt, I'm just…I'm just so damn tired. Please, just let me sleep."
Kurt shook his head, soft hair tickling Blaine's cheek. "If you want to sleep, I'll make you some chamomile tea. If you're that tired, I'll tuck you in and bring you a teddy bear. Hell, I sing you a lullaby. But I won't let you go this way. Never."
He hiccupped, burying his face into Blaine's neck. The sound coming from the thin boy was heart breaking, and Blaine's desire to sleep was slowly diminishing as he listened to the sobs.
"Hey…shh…" He pulled back, resting his forehead against Kurt's. "Please, don't be sad. I'm not. You don't need me. You shouldn't be crying." He kissed the corner of the boy's eye, coating his lips in salty tears. "Please, don't cry."
Kurt stood up abruptly, wiping at his eyes furiously. "You're coming with me," he commanded, pulling Blaine from the bed. "You're coming with me and you're going to stop thinking about killing yourself because you know I'll start crying again. I mean it," he warned, eyes rimmed with red. "I will."
Blaine just nodded, following Kurt out the door. They climbed into Kurt's car silently, the hum of the engine filling the air between them. Small raindrops splattered the windows, and the gray sky grumbled above them as the day came to an end.
They drove for ten minutes before Kurt spoke. "So…talk. This is the point where you tell me your tragic life story. Because you know everything about me, and I thought I knew you, but apparently I don't. So tell me everything, Blaine. I want to help. I want to make you happy again."
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you were a child forgot
lessons of love untaught
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Blaine sighed, resting his head against the window. The cool glass felt so good against his warm cheek, and the gently vibration of the moving car lulled him into a peaceful state.
"I was a mistake," he said, voice strong and clear and unemotional. Detached, really.
Kurt took his eyes from the road to look at Blaine sadly. "No, I'm sure-"
"No, no, I was." Blaine nodded, closing his eyes again. "My parents tell me every day. They didn't believe in abortion, they said. My mom was a rape victim, you know." Kurt's eyes widened, and he had to swerve to miss a squirrel. "My dad…isn't my dad. And he doesn't hesitate to remind me. Mom hasn't been the same since…the rape. And since they never caught the bastard…my father…my parents blame me."
Kurt's lips trembled, and while his eyes were facing front, Blaine could tell he wasn't really watching the road.
"They didn't want kids. But giving me up wasn't really an option, either. So they raised me, they clothed me and fed me and gave me shelter. They did everything they were supposed to…but…" Blaine trailed off, watching raindrops race each other down the side of the car. "They don't love me. I'm just an added cost. Another thing they have to pay for."
Kurt looked like he was going to say something, so Blaine quickly added. "It's okay, really. That doesn't bother me. Really."
The brunette boy looked unconvinced, but he let Blaine continue on. "But…?" He prompted, making a left turn into an empty parking lot as the light outside quickly faded.
"But…everything changed when I came out." Kurt parked the car, turning the engine off. A pregnant silence filled the air, and darkness settled on the two boys as they sat there, one staring at the other in sadness and pity.
Rain dripped down the side of the car, swirling in pretty patterns before disappearing. "Dad was furious. Called me a Devil Child. Said I was the demon spawn of a rapist, and that I was destined for hell. Mom just sort of relapsed into her post-rape depression. Stopped eating, stopped getting out of bed; it was terrifying."
Kurt took Blaine's hand, lips trembling slightly. "They didn't abuse me. But they stopped paying attention to me. They shipped me off to Dalton after I almost died in public school, but that was the extent of their care for me. I haven't had a real conversation with my parents in three years. They don't know about the Warblers, or my straight A's, or my plans to become a lawyer. They just know I'm not dead yet."
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now no embrace can quite replace
the one that never found you
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Blaine fell silent again, and Kurt took the opportunity to get out of the car. Before Blaine could move, Kurt was opening his door, pulling him into the misty rain.
"Come on. I want to show you something." Kurt locked the car and walked towards a wooded path. Nature Trail signs littered the entrance of the woods, but the farther they walked, the more secluded they became. It was peaceful.
"I'm sorry about your parents, Blaine," Kurt whispered as they walked, hand-in-hand. "I wish I could say something more, but…"
"It's okay. They just…make me tired. I just want to sleep."
Kurt sighed, turning back to look at Blaine. "Would you please stop saying that? I told you, I'll start crying again."
A fine mist surrounded them as they hiked through the dark woods, separating them from the rest of the world. For a moment – a split second – Blaine was completely content, being alone with Kurt, holding his hand as they wandered through nothingness. He could do that forever.
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i was raised tenderly, all that was taught to me
i will apply, your parents tried but they didn't know how to
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"Look, Blaine. I know you've probably heard this before, but I'm just going to say it. I'm here for you. Always. Whenever you need me. I love you, and I want you to be happy and alive. If you die, I die. You are my best friend, and losing you will be like losing a part of me. So, please…let me heal you. Let me make up for years of neglect and abuse. You've done so much for me this year. For once, let me take care of you."
Blaine stopped in his tracks, mouth open a little. Kurt looked back, worried. "What?"
Blaine blinked, then smiled sadly. "No one's ever said anything like that to me before. Do you…do you really care about me that much?"
Kurt nodded, blushing faintly in the darkness. "More than I've ever cared for anyone before."
The curly-haired boy's smile widened, and he pressed his lips to Kurt's temple. "Thank you," he whispered.
They walked a little more, a more comfortable silence between them now. Their hands were warm pressed together, and the heat radiated through their bodies, making both boys just a little bit happier.
"Look, we're here," Kurt said softly as they stepped into a clearing. "It's my happy place. My mom took me here in the months leading up to her death. It's where I go to think and find myself. And I want to share it with you."
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burning beacon in the night
can't feel its heat, or see its light
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Blaine's breath left his lungs quickly as his eyes widened at the sight before him. They were settled on a cliff, high above a twinkling city. Lima seemed so far away, so beautiful at a distance; its lights filled the dark night like Earth-bound stars.
"Wow…" Blaine breathed, tightening his grip on Kurt's hand. "We're…we're really high up."
"I've always loved this spot," Kurt mused, the distant lights making his pale skin glow in the night. "It's so isolated, like a watch tower. We can see all of Lima, the lights, the lives…but up here it's dark and empty and we're the only souls around. It's so still, so calm…"
Blaine smiled, pulling Kurt closer. "If I could, I would stay here with you forever."
The lithe boy turned to face his friend, smiling sadly. "Look, Blaine. You've been my mentor for the past couple of months. You've helped me face my tormentors and you've been a shoulder for me to cry on when things got too rough. You've been a symbol of courage for me, a light in the distance to guide me home. Now it's my turn. I want to be your lighthouse, Blaine. I want to light your path, help you through this darkness. Pardon me for speaking in metaphors, but I want to help you. I have to help you.
"I love you."
Blaine's lips met Kurt's in the darkness, a steady warmth lingering between them, even as they pulled apart. Soon, Kurt's arms were wrapped around Blaine's neck, and his mouth was enveloping the other boy's, wet and warm and wonderful.
"Stay with me tonight…" Kurt whispered, and it takes all Blaine has to nod in response.
"Yeah…yeah, I'd like that…" He says, voice hoarse and wavering. A tear rolls down his cheek, and Kurt kisses it away, brushing his lips across Blaine's cheek to meet his lips again.
"You'll never be alone again, Blaine. I swear to you. You're not alone. Because you'll always have me."
Blaine took Kurt's hand, smiling, as the mist around them seemed to clear away. The lights of Lima glittered below, and they walked back into the dark woods together, happier and stronger than they had ever been before.
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that single solitary guide
it must get lonely there sometimes
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