shonen-ai content, implied yaoi. nothing explicit.

Goro and Toshi, both age 19, at the World Baseball Cup in America.

11:35 pm. Goro Shigeno stood up again. He had returned to his room at the team hotel, had been going over the strategy for tomorrow's match in the World Baseball Cup. But his mind kept wandering back to Toshi.

Nothing to worry about now. Shimizu found Miho. Miho's not going to fly back to Japan thinking she caused her brother to have a heart attack. Toshi won't spend the rest of his life searching for the sister he lost when their parents disappeared with Miho, leaving him behind.

Even so, Goro could not get that disturbing image out of his mind- Toshi clutching his chest after seeing Miho, his eyes blank. Toshi collapsing to the ground, his face paper white, the skin around his mouth tinged a sickly green. How many times did Goro scream his name? Goro shook Toshi so violently that Goro's girlfriend Shimizu had to say 'Honda, stop moving him.'

Then another memory. Toshi sitting bolt upright in his hospital bed, gasping, unable to catch his breath, struggling to even rasp out the words, 'I'm all right, Goro-kun.' Goro was about to run out looking for a doctor or a nurse. Though Toshi explained that it was a variation of the same nightmare he'd been having since he was abandoned, Goro wasn't reassured.

'These attacks went on two, three years after my parents abandoned me,' Toshi had said.

So, the time I declared you my rival and vowed to take down Tomonoura Middle School, I was going up against a guy who...

Before long Goro was standing in front of the elevator, pushing the button for Toshi's floor. If Toshi had another nightmare like that, Goro wanted to be on hand.

The elevator's 'ding' announced Goro's arrival on Toshi's floor.

What if Toshi's already sleeping? I'd be waking him. He needs his rest for tomorrow.

That thought kept Goro from ringing the door bell. Instead he paced up and down the corridor outside Toshi's room. Goro nearly jumped when Toshi stuck his head out.

On a hunch Toshi had opened the door-perhaps hearing footsteps, or sensing a familiar presence. "Goro-kun?"

"Heh. Toshi. Can I come in?"

Toshi nodded and stepped back. Goro saw Toshi was wearing light blue pajamas. For some reason, Goro had imagined that Toshi would open the door in a white undershirt and boxers. He felt vaguely disappointed.

Goro went straight over to sit on the window sill.

Toshi found he could not relax in Goro's presence. First he sat on the loveseat, then the foot of the bed. Then, feeling that was still intrusive to Goro, he sat with knees pulled up to his chest, his back pressed against the headboard of the bed. His arms hugged the pillow that was already spitting little down feathers all over the carpet.

For long minutes they regarded each other in silence. Toshi wanted to ask, why are you all the way over there? How long are you going to just... sit there? Wouldn't it be more comfortable to go up to your own room, shower, change into pajamas and sleep? We have a match tomorrow-you're our all important closer.

Goro itched to say, I came to watch over your sleep so go to sleep already!

At last Toshi said, "Goro-kun, is there something...?"

"Uh, heh, nothing."

"You aren't thinking of sleeping sitting up on that window sill?" Toshi tried to make his voice sound light and joking. "At least sit on the loveseat."

Loveseat. Toshi never got used to that American word for a chair. It made him think those sitting on it should be in love, or in some fashion making out.

"I have a hard butt. I don't need to sit on anything soft."

Toshi laughed to cover his unease. He wouldn't allow his mind to contemplate Goro's butt, or any other part of Goro's anatomy at this particular moment. Out loud he said, "you need sleep. you're our closer."

"You need sleep too, so go to sleep already."

"How can I? You're sitting there, staring at me. I feel like a panda in a zoo."

Goro laughed, but didn't budge from his place. They were both keenly aware that due to the room configuration, Goro's chosen place was the farthest he could be from Toshi (short of leaving the room).

"Goro-kun, if you need to get away from me, you can always go sleep in your own bed. You'll catch a cold sitting there all night."

"I'm fine."

Toshi remained skeptical, but conceded that Goro might actually sit there all night.

With a huff Toshi hopped off the bed and started rummaging in his suitcase. Though he had dresser drawers and closets to stash his clothes in, Toshi still kept everything but his toothbrush in his suitcase-'in case of quick getaway,' he joked, 'I learned from my parents.' Now he pulled out a pair of yellow pajamas.

"Grandma got these for me, but they're too big. I think they should fit you. At least change into something more comfortable."

"I'm comfortable here." Goro felt like his body temperature shot up a few degrees just because Toshi had approached him with sleepy eyes and bed hair.

"Hey, don't poke me in the eye." Goro managed a laugh. "Aren't you blind as a bat without your glasses?"

Toshi still had his contacts in, but decided to play along. "Yes," Toshi said with a smile. "So you'd better start undressing before I help you out of your jacket. "

Goro quirked an eyebrow.

"Umm... that didn't sound right." Toshi scratched his neck, stopping well short of the window sill.

"Why are we like this?" Goro threw up his hands in frustration. "We've seen each other naked lots of times."

"I may have seen but I've never looked," Toshi said, unable to suppress a laugh. "It was an accident."

"Yeah right, you've looked," Goro said with his own awkward laugh.

"..."

"I've looked, too." This time there was no mirth in Goro's voice.

"Goro-kun..."

Goro got up from the window sill and wrapped his arms around Toshi, letting the proffered pajamas fall to the floor. When Toshi didn't move to pick up the fallen pajamas or break free, Goro closed his eyes, savoring his relief.

After long minutes passed, Goro allowed Toshi to gently wriggle his shoulders free. "You gave me a hell of a scare."

"Because I fainted like a girl?"

"Is that the only thing you do like a girl?"

Toshi flashed a wry smile. "Sometimes I cry like a girl... the time you left Kaido."

"I thought maybe so," Goro mumbled, "but I didn't really want to know."

"It was embarrassing, really. Mayumura even brought me a charm for girls to get over their broken hearts." Toshi laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world.

"Mayumura?" Goro's tone turned strident. In his mind, he was figuring how far Mayumura's room was from Toshi's-on the same floor, maybe five doors down?

"It was a joke. Yakushiji put him up to it." Toshi saw Goro's thunderous scowl and tried to lighten the mood.

"What happened to that charm? Did it work?"

For a long time Toshi said nothing. Finally he met Goro's eyes. "I had to snap out of it. If I lost the starting job to Yonekura, I'd have no shot at the pros."

"Did you get over...m-my leaving?" Goro came awfully close to asking, did you get over me?

"Did I get over my parents and Miho disappearing?"

"It's not the same!" Goro was surprised by the vehemence of his tone. "I didn't abandon you. I told you-"

"Yes, I know it isn't the same. You had to be you. I... liked that wild-eyed Goro, the one who did exactly what he wanted to, who wouldn't be held back by anything, anyone. I'd never have the courage to go to America alone like you.

"The reason I brought up those things side by side is... they're both things I don't cry over anymore. I thought I had done pretty well, until my sister appeared in front of me and all the memories came flooding back."

"But seeing me, you were just happy to see me, right? You didn't cry when you saw me on the field at the Seishu-Kaido game? When you saw me at the batting center afterwards-" Goro threw out his questions rapid fire. He was in no rush to ponder whether he'd just heard a confession of love.

"You're confusing me, Goro-kun. Why are you here? Why were you pacing outside my room earlier?"

"Not because I want to sleep with you." Goro scratched his neck and looked away, laughing a chagrined laugh. "I'm not a... queer. I just... I just can't get it out of my mind, the way you went white and your lips and chin turned kind of blue when you collapsed that day... the way you screamed in your hospital bed."

Toshi smiled a sad smile. "In that case, let me put your mind at ease. People wake up from nightmares unharmed every night. And what happened in the park was a panic attack. I've had... dozens of them, and never suffered consequence. So, even if one were to occur now-unlikely, because Miho isn't staying at this hotel-"

Goro's grip on Toshi's arm only tightened. "I... just need to be near... Toshiya." As these words escaped his lips, it felt like a tight band around his temple finally snapped. He squeezed his eyes shut, and felt Toshi embracing him.

"Thank you." Toshi said nothing more.

It felt to Goro like Toshi was careful not to hold that embrace even a milli-second too long. Goro missed that warmth when Toshi released him.

"Goro-kun, I can't ever tell you how much I appreciate the way you've... looked after me."

"Stop it! It's not some kind of charity, damn you!" Goro all but tackled Toshi to the bed.

Toshi stared, flabbergasted. Goro was trembling on his chest, clutching him so tightly.

"Don't... leave me. Not now. Not yet."

"Goro-kun..."

Perhaps each was waiting for the other to pull away; neither moved. Goro fell asleep like that, in his team Japan sweats, on top of Toshi. For a long time sleep eluded Toshi.

Three and a half hours later, Toshi finally dozed a bit, only to startle awake minutes later, waking Goro as well. "Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you."

Goro smirked, then declared in his sleepy, husky voice, "Might as well sleep in the bed. We have a game tomorrow." Goro slid himself under the bedding, sweats, socks and all, then removed his jacket, throwing it across the room.

"Umm..." Toshi did not move to pick up the jacket or the yellow pajamas that fell to the rug. He only pulled the blankets over Goro. Bit by bit, he inched as far away from Goro as he could short of falling off the bed. He even considered putting one of those mini-roll pillows between them.

It was already 3:30am. Toshi sighed and gave up thoughts of sleeping at all that night. Yet when the alarm went off at 7:30 the next day he was stunned to find himself in Goro's arms, Goro spooned against his back, Goro's arms around his midsection. His eyes darted upward-Lord help me. Was that Goro's morning physiology pressing all too uncomfortably against his back side? He didn't dare think about the possibility that he himself was similarly afflicted.

Then Goro shifted even closer, his hands that much closer to dangerous territory. And the moan that escaped Goro's lips seemed too intentional for him to still be asleep.

"Goro-kun, this is torture for me. You know I like you. I'll never do anything about it, but that doesn't mean I like being a dieter at a chocolate convention."

Goro laughed. "I know you wouldn't. That's why I can snuggle with Tochi-kun like this." Goro rubbed his in-need-of-shave beard against the nape of Toshi's neck.

"This isn't a game to me!" Tears stood out in Toshi's eyes as he elbowed Goro away and jumped out of bed.

"It's not a game to me either. Dammit, Toshi!"

Goro got out of the bed and followed Toshi, but he was a couple of steps too slow. The shower water was running, the bathroom door had slammed shut, and Goro knew without trying that the lock was bolted.

Goro's chest constricted painfully. You're crying again. I'd do anything to be able to hold you, to take back my careless words.

"Let me in. Toshi, we have to talk. Let me in. Don't cry alone. Don't shut me out." He blurted these words through the door, all the while doubting that Toshi could hear him with the shower water running.

But the door opened. Toshi was standing there in the hotel robe, his skin and hair wet.

"I don't want you too close to me. Not now. I might do things that'll ruin our friendship."

"Fuck. Ruin it then. I can't stand this... distance. You're always running away from me."

"Says the guy who left Kaido for Seishu, Japan for America."

Goro could only swallow hard, unable to stop staring at Toshi's wounded eyes. "Why can't we... like... normal-"

"Do you think I like being this way? If I could be normal, I'd... anyway, it seems I can love only you. I can sleep with a lot of people, but-"

"Oh? A lot, huh? Who?" Goro had stepped forward, all hesitancy and shyness forgotten as his hands gripped Toshi's forearms.

"Why's it any of your business?"

"Because I LOVE you! I don't know if I love you like that, but I love you." Goro's hands dug into Toshi's skin. "Please tell me you've been careful. There's... herpes and AIDS and God knows-"

"I'm a virgin."

"Why did you say that crap about sleeping with a lot of people then?"

"Because it's... in theory-"

"THEORY?"

Toshi's voice was matter of fact. "Yes. In theory, you don't need love for sex."

"Oh? How would you know that, virgin Tochi-kun?"

"Do you... really love me?"

"You didn't hear me the first time? I said I love you. I'm not taking it back."

"You're dating Shimizu-san."

Goro opened and closed his mouth, but he didn't let go of Toshi. "I haven't slept with her."

"You've slept in the same bed as me. Give me your virgin card. I'll stamp it."

"I'm gonna slap you."

"I don't go in for that rough stuff."

"Toshi!"

"Let's forget this ever happened. You're going to marry Shimizu-san and live happily ever after. Your children will play in little league and make you proud."

"What are you going to do?"

"Play baseball 'til I'm sixty. As long as I have baseball, I don't even miss you that much."

"Liar! You're a terrible liar."

"Anyway, nothing happened. We never even kissed. We didn't wrong Shimizu-san in any way. We can't, because, I owe her for Miho."

Goro tried to hold on but Toshi firmly pulled away from his grip.

"You don't have to watch over me out of guilt. You didn't go out of your way to make me fall for you. I don't even know when it happened. It might have been when we were kids-"

"It's not guilt or charity! I'm watching you because you scare the _hell_ out of me! If anything happened, if you ever... went away, I'd leave my wife and kids and go to the ends of the earth looking for you."

A long silence followed. The look on Toshi's face surprised Goro.

"Why did you say that? Now I don't know what to do! Before, I could live like a monk, so I wouldn't hurt somebody-"

"...hurt somebody like I'm hurting you now-is that what you're gonna say?"

Toshi looked Goro straight in the eye. "You did nothing wrong. And you won't. I won't let you... do anything that'll harm your relationship with Shimizu-san, ruin your name, make the major league teams not want you."

"Toshi..."

"Don't give up your dream for me. Don't give up anything for me, because... then you wouldn't be the selfish Goro-kun I love anymore-" Toshi's words were hushed when Goro smothered his lips in a kiss.

"Stop it!" Toshi struggled but could not pull away until Goro loosened his grip to take a breath. "I told you I won't-"

Goro pinned Toshi against the bathroom tiles, his breath hot in Toshi's ear. "You keep forgetting, Tochi-kun, that I'm bigger and stronger than you. And I know I'm not the only one who wants this. "

Did you get it through your thick head, Toshi?

I never wanted anything more than to make love with you, make you see how much I need you. I'd do anything for you. Being kicked off the Bats is nothing compared to never seeing you again. And I know- if I let you go now, you'll run far away from me. You think you're the only one willing to put his dreams, his life on the line for us. But I'm just as stupid.

You act like you're all noble, so willing to let me go. But then you cry and cry. And I can't stand the thought of Mayumura or Yakushiji comforting you. Ryoko-san either. Doesn't matter if it's a guy or a girl- I don't want you showing that crying face to someone else. There's so much I want to keep for only me. Hey, I'm selfish-you should know that better than anybody.

Honest to God, sometimes I wish I didn't feel this way. Because it's a hassle. Mom and Pops will be pissed. My sister and brother might get bullied at school. I might not get to play in the Majors. But you know what, I've got this hunch that it'll all work out. Either we can hide from everybody, or we can get through it, no matter who might shun us. It's not just talk-I really believe it. If we can't be together at home, let's go to New York, Paris, one of those places where they let queers get married and think only queers can cut hair or something.

I love you.

You surprised me, Goro-kun. And here I thought I knew you so well.

You said a lot of things. But I won't hold you to them. They say pillow talk is the least reliable. I wouldn't know-I've never gotten to the pillow stage with anyone, 'til you.

Tonight we're meeting up with Shimizu-san and your friends from Seishu. I'll be on guard to make sure I give nothing away.

I have a few hours to savor that memory, then I must put it away and look to the next thing. Just like my other memories of you, before you left on your way to bigger and better things.

Many thanks to Ani K and Linaewen for discussions and suggested revisions.