Charlie Manson and the Chocolate Factory
Characters:
Charlie Manson- A wannabe musician with big dreams
Sharon Tate- One of the most glamorous women in Hollywood and soon to be a mother
Valerie Solanas- Like Manson, she wants to be respected for her art. She also hates men
Andy Warhol- The toast of the art scene at the moment
Mark David Chapman- A crusader for morality
John Lennon- A man whom, by his very nature, radiates peace
Lee Harvey Oswald- A nobody who loves violence and wants fame
JFK- One slick player
Courtney Love- A drug riddled mess of an enigma.
Kurt Cobain- A quiet poet
Willy Wonka- A mysterious but brilliant chocolate maker
INT. Manson Family House
Charlie is seated on the bed, playing his acoustic guitar, when the radio announcer cuts in with a special announcement.
Radio Announcer (VO)
Yes, you heard right, kiddies. Willy Wonka, the world famous chocolate maker and notorious recluse is at last opening the doors to his horrifyingly ominous but seemingly wonderful candy factory. Yes, it's every child's dream come true: have a strange man take you thorough an industrial plant to find out how those lovely little candies really get made. But be quick, kiddies. There are only five golden tickets hidden in five random Wonka bars. So buy a friggin assload of candy!
Manson's face lights up. He throws down his guitar and runs out of the room.
INT. Convenience Store
Manson grabs a Wonka bar, pays for it, and merrily runs out.
INT. Manson Family House
Manson is sitting in front of the TV watching with rapt attention.
Announcer (VO)
That's right the first golden ticket has been won.
EXT. Used car lot
The announcer is standing with a punkish gal, Valerie Solanas, and her guest, a quiet, arty type named Andy Warhol.
Valerie Solanas
Yeah, that's right, you fucking man APE! You fucking APE! I won the Golden Fucking Ticket, it's all mine you SWINE!!!!
INT. Manson Family House
Manson is staring at the TV with a new kind of attention. He looks the way Charlie Brown looks when he sees the Little Red Haired Girl. He is a man in love.
EXT. Parking Lot Again
Valerie Solanas
(Still ranting) Yeah, that's right, and I'm gonna make a razor sharp candy corn that'll CUT THE BALLS off you disgusting MEN!
INT. Manson Family House
Manson is totally smitten. And the way he figures it, if this tube of wonderful is gonna be at the factory, he simply must get a ticket.
Reuse of footage: Manson buying a Wonka bar.
Title Card: Weeks later
Voice over comes over title card as we fade up on a slightly heartbroken Manson staring at the TV.
Announcer (VO)
That's right, all you cats and chicks out there in radio land, four out of the five Golden Tickets to Mr. Wonka's swinging party have been found. That means there is only one, count it one ticket left!
EXT. Some place where everyone is standing
The announcer stands with the four winners and their guests: Solanas and Warhol again, along with Mark David Chapman and his guest John Lennon, Lee Harvey Oswald and his guest JFK and, standing in the back trying to avoid the camera, Courtney Love and her guest Kurt Cobain.
Announcer
We're here with the lucky four now. We've been following these four lucky, lucky people for weeks now. It's very unlikely they'll ever be able to cross the street again without being mobbed by millions of adoring fans. But don't forget, kids, if you wanna be famous too and eat lots of lots of candy and have a chance to meet Mr. Willy Wonka himself, get out there and FIND THAT LAST TICKET!!!
MONTAGE OF MANSON BUYING AND EATING RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF CANDY BUT NOT FINDING A GOLDEN TICKET
And then…
EXT. Street
Manson is walking along, upset. Suddenly, he sees something shiny on the ground. He bends over, picks it up and unfolds it to find---IT'S THE LAST GOLDEN TICKET!! Manson jumps and dances merrily, and runs to the home of Roman Polanski.
EXT. Polanski House
Manson excitedly knocks on the door. Roman Polanski answers, standing with a young girl.
Polanski
Oh. Hi, Charlie. Can I help you?
Manson
Is your wife home?
Polanski
Charlie, Sharon is on bed rest. She's very, very pregnant right now.
Manson
Oh, she'll want to get up for this!
Manson pushes passed Roman and the young girl and runs into the house.
INT. Polanski house
Sharon Tate is lying in bed, pregnant. Manson runs up to her.
Manson
Sharon! SHARON! Guess what I have?
Sharon
(annoyed) Herpes?
Manson
Better! I have THE LAST GOLDEN TICKET!!!
Sharon sits up, surprised.
Sharon
You're kidding!
Manson waves it in her face. As if by a miracle, Sharon leaps out of bed and begins dancing! The two then festively run out of the house.
EXT. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
The five groups are tittering excitedly. Soon, Willy Wonka himself emerges to greet the people.
Willy Wonka
Good day, good day, good day to you all! I am Mr. Willy Wonka and THIS (he gestures wildly) is my factory!
The group claps.
Willy Wonka
Today, all of your dreams will come true.
The group claps again.
Willy Wonka
Now, enough bullshit, let's get moving.
He turns and begins walking. The group follows.
INT. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
The group is standing expectantly. Manson is making eyes at Solanas.
Willy Wonka
Our tour begins here, fair friends. This factory was founded by my grandfather in the year of our lord 1847. He was a proud man who was quite fond of children. (He gives Sharon a look) Knowing your husband, ma'am, I imagine you know what I'm talking about.
Sharon Tate
Well, I never!
Manson
It's all right, he's only joking!
Sharon Tate
(Ignoring Manson, yelling at Willy Wonka) You are a very rude and foul man!
Manson
Sharon, that's Willy Wonka!
Sharon Tate
Well, I'M SHARON TATE!!!! Nobody messes with SHARON TATE!!!
Miss Piggy style, Sharon runs up to Willy Wonka and gives him a karate chop to the gut. After recovering…
Willy Wonka
Well. I see you are a lady who means business. I like that.
Solanas
Are you hitting on her?
Willy Wonka
I'm sorry?
Solanas
Are you coming on to her? Sexually?
Willy Wonka
I'm just making conversation, trying to get to know you all before I take you through my factory. That's all.
Solanas
That's horseshit. You just want in her pants.
Willy Wonka
Ma'am, she's a pregnant woman.
Solanas
Oh! What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Since she's got a kid in her she's all of a sudden not good enough for you?
Willy Wonka
Ma'am, you are out of line! Do not make me sick my Oompa-Loompas on you!
Solanas
Oh, I'm SOOO scared of your Oompa-Loompas! You men are all the same! Luring us all into your little "factory" just to have your filthy little way with us! You make me sick!
Andy Warhol
Valerie, settle down. I'd really like some free candy!
Solanas
Can it, Warhol!
Andy Warhol
Okay. Mr. Wonka, you really do have a lovely factory here.
Willy Wonka
Why, thank you Mr. Warhol.
Andy Warhol
You'd be wonderful in one of my films. I could have one of those lovely Oompa-Loompa people rub lipstick into your nipples.
Willy Wonka
Okay.
Andy Warhol
Yes, we could just sit here all day and just watch how you make the candy.
Willy Wonka
Right.
Andy Warhol
I'd love to paint your portrait. I'm doing a show at the Guggenheim. You could be the center piece. "100 Wonkas." They'd come in droves.
Solanas
Hey! HEEYYY!!! If you men are done discussing your manly little actions, I WAS talking here!
Willy Wonka
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, my dear girl, what was it you had to say?
Solanas
That you are sickening! You turn women into your sexual little toys just to use for your own twisted pleasure! Kill men now!
Willy Wonka
Were you talking to me? Because I'm fairly confident I've been shut into a factory for the past fifteen years with no female companionship whatsoever. So I'm curious, how is it that I, of all people, use women as sex objects.
Solanas
Stop trying to get my panties off, you twisted asshole.
John Lennon
Hey, calm down you two! Give peace a chance!
Everyone glares at Lennon, upset at the corniness of that joke. After a beat, Wonka launches back into his spiel, which continues as background noise while Manson decides to take a chance at talking to Solanas.
Manson
Hey.
Solanas
What?
Manson
I really liked what you did back there, with Wonka.
Solanas
Oh, don't start, you're just like the rest.
Manson
I'm not like him. He's a pig.
Solanas
A what?
Manson
He's a pig. He's the man. He's in charge. He's the guy with the stuff. And his day is coming. Oh yes. His day is coming.
Solanas
If you're trying to get in my pants…
Manson
No, I just admire your hatred.
Solanas
I was gonna say this is a pretty good start.
She gives him a flirty smile and turns back to the presentation.
Willy Wonka
… Wonka Candies is also responsible for a number of programs that help promote healthy and balanced diets among school children…
Solanas
Hey, PIG!
Willy Wonka
Ma'am I am getting just a little bit sick of your little outbursts.
Solanas
Yeah?
Willy Wonka
Yeah!
Solanas
Well, I'm getting just a little sick of… you being a PIG!
Willy Wonka
We are the music makers. We are the dreamers of dreams. And I don't know what you're talking about.
While Manson does have professional admiration for Wonka, he figures he can get what he wants if he backs Solanas up on this one. And besides, he did plant the seed in a way.
Manson
You're one of the haves, Wonka. The have-nots are gonna rise up, you pig!
Willy Wonka
I'm sorry, doesn't "pig" mean "cop?" Neither of you are making any sense.
Manson
Oh yeah. "Pig" does mean "cop." I never thought of that. Man, I must've sounded like a jackass all this time.
Solanas
Focus, Charlie!
Manson
Oh yeah. Either way, man, you're going down! It's the people's time!
Willy Wonka
I don't employ people. I employ Oompa-Loompas. They're freaky little creatures who nobody else would hire because they're fucking scary. I provide them with a home and all the resources they need and they provide very minimal labor in return. This factory works mostly using machines.
Long beat. Manson and Solanas sure do look silly right about now.
Solanas
Hey, Wonka, will you put on my play?
Willy Wonka
What?
Solanas
I wrote a play about what SHIT men are. Will you put it on?
Willy Wonka
I'm not a theatre producer. I'm a candy maker.
Solanas
Yeah, that's just what a MAN would say! Just like what WARHOL told me.
Andy Warhol
Please leave me out of this one.
JFK
If I er uh may er uh say something here. I respect the women's movement whole-heartedly. And by movement, I mean RACK!
Solanas
Who the hell are you?
JFK
I er uh… hey beautiful, quite a nice factory here. And by factory, I mean your ASS!
Solanas
You know what? I've been right all along. Men only want us for sex.
JFK
If by sex… you mean SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!!
Solanas
And I have only one person to blame.
Andy Warhol
If you say…
Solanas
YOU, WARHOL!!!
Andy Warhol
Valerie, how can you think that?
Solanas
Oh, don't think I'm not onto you, you SEX MANIAC!!! You keep all us pretty young girls in your little studio for your little paintings and your little movies. I know it's all for your own carnal satisfaction. (She pulls out a gun)
Andy Warhol
Valerie, I'm g-
Before he can finish, she fires the gun. The bullet bounces off of Warhol and into JFK.
Lee Harvey Oswald
Oh my god! You killed Kennedy!
Mark David Chapman
You bastard!
Willy Wonka
Everybody stay calm!
Manson
NO! Everybody FREAK OUT ON YOURSELVES!!!
Solanas
Rise! Rise!
John Lennon
HEY! Look, people, we're not going to solve our problems using violence. We need to understand each other and love each other. We only get one life. Where do we go after this?
Andy Warhol
(nursing his shoulder) Heaven?
John Lennon
But imagine if there isn't one.
Mark David Chapman
Wow, man. That's deep. Can I have your autograph?
John Lennon
Yeah, sure.
Chapman produces pad and pen, and Lennon scribbles down a quick signature.
Courtney Love
Hey, everybody pay attention to me!
Everybody does.
Courtney Love
I just wanna say that have no idea where I am. Where are the cameras? WHERE ARE THE CAMERAS????
Kurt Cobain
(totally detached) Hey, Wonka, this is a nice factory, man. I like candy. I eat a lot of it at home. I think I may have a cavity in my right molar. (looks down at JFK) Hey, a dead guy.
Courtney Love
Um, I am really proud of this album and I'd like to thank everybody who helped me with it. FUCK YOU, KURT!
Kurt Cobain
What?
Courtney Love
You're not the only one with talent in this family!
Kurt Cobain
(kicking JFK) I'm pretty sure this guy is dead.
Courtney Love
Well, my album is really going to show the public that I can be my own star, even without Kurt.
Kurt Cobain
Hey, Wonka, is the dead guy, like, for candy?
Courtney Love
Stop trying to step on my dreams, Kurt!
Kurt Cobain
Courtney, does this guy smell dead to you?
Courtney Love
I rock! I rock harder than any woman before me!
Solanas
What was that, bitch?
Courtney Love
I said I am the rockingest woman ever!
Solanas
Ohhhh…. no you are not!
Courtney Love
Huh?
Solanas
Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I am VALERIE SOLANAS!
Courtney Love
Who?
Solanas
I am a feminist goddess! Death to all men!
Courtney Love
Well, I want to inspire women everywhere to rock as hard as me!
Solanas
Yeah, you suck.
Courtney Love
That's true. But I can suck on my own! Even without Kurt!
Kurt Cobain
Hey! A dead guy!
Manson grabs Lee Harvey Oswald.
Manson
Hey! Are we having a revolution here or not?
John Lennon
You say you want a revolution?
Manson
Yes!
John Lennon
Well, you know… we all want to change the world.
Willy Wonka
Attention: I know how we can solve all our problems here.
John Lennon
You say you've got a great solution?
Willy Wonka
Yes.
John Lennon
Well, you know… we'd all love to see the plan.
Willy Wonka
Here it is: Miss Solanas, you hate all men, correct?
Solanas
Damn right!
Willy Wonka
Mr. Lennon, you just want us to all get along, right?
John Lennon
We should come together. Right now. Over me.
Willy Wonka
Right. Now, JFK, you're dead, Mr. Warhol, you have a hurt shoulder and you two- (gestures to Kurt and Courtney) just have no idea where you are.
Courtney Love
Hey! A dead guy!
Kurt Cobain
Where?
Lee Harvey Oswald
What about me? I have a crazed killer grabbing my neck.
Willy Wonka
Well, I can't help you.
Lee Harvey Oswald
Then what's your solution?
Willy Wonka
I don't have one. I just had to keep you distracted long enough to give me time to RUN! (he dashes off).
Manson
Well, I guess it's all me now. The revolution has begun.
John Lennon
Look, this whole place is getting too angry for me. I'm out of here. Come on, Chapman.
The two leave.
Courtney Love
Is that a butterfly?
Kurt and Courtney wander out.
A gun shot is heard outside.
Long beat.
Courtney Love
Hey, a dead guy!
Sharon Tate
Oh my god!
Solanas
What?
Sharon Tate
My baby's coming!
Sharon Tate gives birth. Intercut this with the knife footage. After the birth…
Solanas
He has his father's eyes.
Sharon Tate
Welp, see ya.
She leaves, carrying the baby.
Lee Harvey Oswald
Okay, it's just me now! Why kill me?
Manson
Because… actually… why?
Solanas
Cause he's a man!
Manson
Well, so am I!
Solanas
Yes… but I love you. I need you Charlie. I want you like a diabetic crack addict wants cocaine-laced insulin!
Manson
Oh, Valerie!
He throws Oswald down and embraces her.
Andy Warhol
Hey! I'm still here!
Manson
Oh yeah. You just kind of fade into the scenery, don't you. I guess that's kind of your thing. Well, no reason to kill you, I guess. You know what? This whole killing thing is silly. I never wanted to be a murderer. I wanted to be a folk singer. Writing songs and traveling the nation, just like Bob Dylan. And I figured if I won this factory ticket, I could realize my dream.
From off-camera…
Willy Wonka
You've won, Charlie!
Manson
What?
Willy Wonka reenters.
Willy Wonka
You've turned over a new leaf! You want to be a folk singer? So you shall! The factory is yours! Come on, Warhol! Come along, Oswald! I'll treat you both to club sandwhiches!
The trio leaves. Suddenly, the announcer is there.
Announcer
And so it was! Charlie and Valerie were married and Charlie turned the chocolate factory into his own recording studio.
Credits roll while Manson performs "Tainted Love."
END
Notes for rewrite:
WILLY WONKA
I'm not in the slightest bit homosexual, but sometimes I think it might be fun to go out into the streets in a little mini skirt and some skanky makeup, just all dolled up as a dirty girl. Not a prostitute, mind you, just a plain old everyday slut. And find some fellow to take me home and we'd start kissing and touching and just when he thinks he's getting my snozzberry bush, bam- exploding candy dripping all down his face.