The Devil's Watchmen
EXT. Captain Spaulding's Museum Of Maniacs And Madmen
It seems pretty quiet tonight, a few odd people pumping gas, one or two patrons carrying out bags of fried chicken. Suddenly, from above, Archie descends and from the mighty airship emerge NITE OWL and THE COMEDIAN.
THE COMEDIAN
Alright, boss, fill er up, I'm gonna check out the scene inside.
INT. Captain Spaulding's Museum Of Maniacs and Madmen
CAPTAIN SPAULDING is cleaning the counter with a rag when The Comedian enters.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Hey, there, World War I Flying Ace, that your goddamned spaceship outside, taking up four of my pumps?
THE COMEDIAN
We'll be out of your way in a minute.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Say, I know you! You're that comedian!
THE COMEDIAN
Well, I ain't Lenny Bruce!
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
No, you're that superhero! I hear they're getting ready to pass a law to get rid of all you fuckers.
THE COMEDIAN
That is the rumor.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Well, from what I hear about you, ain't no law gonna stop you. You and that ink blot mask-wearin sonabitch.
THE COMEDIAN
Yeah, Rorschach. He's pretty out there.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
Damn straight. Say, while you superhero types is in the area, there's something you plain have to see.
THE COMEDIAN
And what might that be?
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
The Dr. Satan tree. I'll draw you a map.
He draws a crude map on a piece of paper and hands it to The Comedian.
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
You have a nice day, now.
The Comedian leaves.
INT. Archie
The ship is taking off with Nite Owl at the controls.
THE COMEDIAN
Crazy fucking clown in there gave me this map to something called the Dr. Satan tree.
NITE OWL
Well, is it close by? We can check it out.
THE COMEDIAN
Probably just some bullshit thing, man, fuck it. Hey, what's that down there?
ANGLE ON:
Below the ship we see a female figure waving her arms.
THE COMEDIAN
She looks like a piece of ass.
NITE OWL
You can tell from up here?
THE COMEDIAN
Fuck yeah, man.
EXT. Field
BABY is the one standing waving her arms. Archie lands and picks her up, then taking off again.
INT. Archie
Baby is now seated in the back.
BABY
Thanks for stopping.
THE COMEDIAN
No problem, my lady.
BABY
Aren't you sweet!
NITE OWL
Where are you headed?
BABY
On my way home.
EXT. Firefly Ranch
Dead, rotting things everywhere. As seen in The Devil's Rejects. Archie lands in an open space. Baby emerges.
BABY
Thanks so much. Sure I can't convince you fellas to come in for a night cap?
NITE OWL
We've got to get back to the city.
THE COMEDIAN
Fuck that noise, you go back to the city, I'm staying here.
NITE OWL
Fine, I'll be back for you in the morning. Pervert.
The Comedian gets out and follows Baby inside.
INT. Firefly House
The Comedian is seated alone on the couch. OTIS can be heard screaming at Baby off screen.
OTIS (OS)
Do you realize who the fuck you just brought into our home? He's one of those fucking Crimebusters. He was one of the fucking Minutemen! He's a killer! He killed fuckers in Vietnam and he killed fuckers in New York City! We're gonna have to ice that fucker!
Otis steps in.
OTIS
Sorry about that, sir. So, you a big superhero?
THE COMEDIAN
I wouldn't say that, I just try to get the job done.
OTIS
Now, now, I seen you on the news. You're the one who gets it done. The rest of them fuckers is pussies.
THE COMEDIAN
Well, maybe.
OTIS
Either that or fine-ass pieces of pussy. I know you fucked that Sally Jupiter bitch.
THE COMEDIAN
Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but you can sure to fuck sniff the glove I wore that day.
Otis chuckles.
OTIS
Right on, right on. So, you call yourself The Comedian, eh? Well I got a joke for you.
Otis pulls out a gun and shoots The Comedian in the head.
EXT. Firefly Ranch- Sunup
Archie lands again. Out come RORSCHACH and Nite Owl.
RORSCHACH
Land dry. Incest.
NITE OWL
Yeah, the girl we picked up last night seemed a little creepy.
INT. Firefly House
Otis spots Archie outside.
OTIS
Ah, fuck me! More of those fuckers!
Otis steps outside and shoots Rorschach and Nite Owl in the head. Suddenly, DR. SATAN appears.
DR. MANHATTAN
That was uncalled for.
He blasts Otis away. From under the ground emerges DR. SATAN. Dr. Manhattan makes a move to blast him away as well but
DR. SATAN
No! Wait! Don't you see? We're two of a kind, Dr. Manhattan. We're both victims of our own failed experiments. Join me and we can cure the world. Look around you. There's nothing left for you in your old life.
DR. MANHATTAN
Yes… you're quite right.
The two hardcore make out and walk off hand-in-hand.