Conversations: Erin & Paul

by KTarra

Another day but a new conversation leads to new beginnings!

Conversations – Erin & Paul

A/N: As I mentioned in Conv 2 my wonderful beta Windjammers allowed me to borrow her original characters from What's Taken for Granted. Please keep in mind that my interpretation of events or the characters from What's Taken for Granted are just that: mine. They do not reflect or imply what Windjammers interpretation of the characters or events may be in other future stories. If you haven't read What's Taken for Granted you should do so, it is an awesome story, but keep in mind our stories are not related nor even in the same timeline. Windjammers came up with some wonderful plot points and was gracious enough to let me borrow them and play with them in my world. Thanks Windjammers!

From a timeline perspective this story is in my Conversations universe and takes place about a year after the events in Conversations 2.

Please R&R! Thanks!

CP&CP&CP

Paul Murphy breathed hard as he continued to beat the stuffing out of the already torn up punching bag. Said punching bag had seen better times and was currently being held together through very creative means to continue being a stress reliever for the team. Another set of jabs sent the bag swinging and some of the stuffing flying across the floor.

"Of all the hard headed, stubborn, infuriating….." He ground out his frustration towards his only female team member on the poor punching bag.

"You know, you should just kiss her and get it over with. The tension around here is murder."

Paul stopped his assault as the voice of his second, James Reilly, broke in.

"What?" Paul replied, not sure he'd heard correctly.

"Don't play dumb with me, Paul. I know you too well. You know damn well what I said, but just in case, I'll repeat myself. You should just kiss her and get it over with."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

CP&CP&CP

Reilly smiled. Oh how the mighty have fallen! In love. He thought to himself, causing himself to chuckle a bit. Reilly couldn't help but wonder at the irony of the situation. Paul had always been quite popular with the ladies. If and when he wanted companionship he had never struggled to find willing partners. Paul always set the tone of his past relationships. He never got in to deep and broke things off when he felt they were headed that way. It was painfully obvious to Reilly that Paul had gone from never sticking his toe in the water to drowning in the deep end in one jump.

The sound caused Paul to pause again. "What's so funny?"

"You are. Never seen a man so scared of a woman in my life. You're positively petrified and the only way you seem to be able to handle it is to be pissy and angry and make all of us, and I do mean ALL of us miserable."

"I am not scared of women. Or do you not recall our younger days?" Paul replied, setting up for another series of punches.

"I didn't say women," Reilly returned. "I said a woman. One, as in singular. I believe she's blond with grey eyes and goes by the name of Erin. Oh, and that's right, she lives here," he finished, coming to stand behind the bag and hold it steady for Paul.

The mention of Erin's name caused Paul to grumble again. "Infuriatingly stubborn and a pain in my ass."

"And you love it."

Paul huffed. "What is this sudden interest in my love life or lack thereof?"

"Oh, trust me, this is not sudden. The rest of us have had the dubious honor for the last several months watching you two circle each other. Just when we think you both are going to get your heads out of your rears, one you of manages to do something to hack the other one off, and it's back to square one. I don't know about Erin, but the rest of us are quite frankly tired of this little roller coaster. I know you, Paul. I've known you too damn long not to know when you're interested in someone. You're not as unreadable as you like to think you are. I've tried to talk to you about this before but you just keep brushing me off. Not this time. The team can't take any more of this. You two go from being nearly inseparable, which is odd for two people who aren't in a relationship by the way, but I digress, to not being able to talk to each for weeks at a time unless it pertains to a mission. By some miracle, your personal issues haven't affected our missions. You two seem able to compartmentalize enough to do the job but here at home, in this crazy little family of ours, you suck at it," Reilly stated, pausing to take a breath.

"Is that it?"

"Not even close, buddy. I'm just getting started," Reilly said, getting wound up again. "I know you're worried about how a relationship between you two will work out both personally and team-wise. Our missions are still successful for the most part, and if we can be successful with all the crap going on with the two of you, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. Then there is the whole issue of Erin."

CP&CP&CP

"What about her?" Paul's eyes flashed. He was not enjoying this one-sided conversation.

"Have you even thought about how your behavior affects her? She has no reference for the kind of back and forth that can go on in romantic relationships. She wasn't raised like we were, or have you forgotten that?"

"No, I haven't!" Paul nearly shouted back, his temper beginning to get the best of him.

"Then get your head out of your ass and do something about this. She's become like my little sister and while she's not real talkative at times, this crap between the two of you bothers her. She doesn't know what to do about it. She doesn't have any experience with relationships outside of the five of us. She thinks this whole mess is somehow her fault. She actually asked me the other day if I thought we would be better off without her and if she should see about joining another team! Of course, I told her absolutely not, but that's where this whole thing is headed. Do you want that happen?"

Paul's anger at being called on the carpet by his second evaporated into fear- pure unadulterated fear. The fight disappeared from his eyes.

"No. I don't want that happen," he returned lowly. "I didn't think it was that bad."

"Well, it is. I didn't intend to tear into you like this. I can only take hearing her cry so much."

"She cries?" Paul asked completely horrified that he might have been the reason for Erin crying.

"Her room is next to mine. Of course, she does. Underneath all the dreadly training of hers, she is still a woman and they do cry from time to time, usually over us pathetic men."

Paul walked over and sat heavily on the bench next to the wall.

"I've been a royal ass, haven't I?"

"In a class all your own," Reilly quipped, joining his friend and leader on the bench.

"I don't even know where to start to try fix it," Paul confessed, running his hands through his soaked hair.

"How about I'm sorry for being such a jerk and I love you?" Reilly offered.

"I don't know how I can say it to her when I've never even said it to myself."

"Well, there's a first time for everything. It's not so bad you know."

"What isn't?"

"Being in love. It makes this world worth living in. Besides, it's not like you haven't been in love before."

"Not like this, Jim. Not like this. Every time we go out on a mission, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose her. We know that the Dreadies are targeting her. They have been since we met up with the Power Team last spring. I'm afraid to take that next step because if I do and I lose her, I'm done. You remember what happened to Jon when he thought he'd lost Jennifer? How do you go on when the one person you need more than your next breath isn't there?"

"Unfortunately that is an all too real possibility in our lives right now. We knew that eventually with the success we've had because of Erin that we were going to end up on Dread's radar. We are one of the two most successful Resistance units out here because we have a former Dread youth who has inside information working for us, but are you really going to let the fear of what if rob you of the present? She's here now. And speaking of our good friend, Jon, you don't want to end up like him, do you? He lost Jennifer before he got up the courage to do something about how he felt."

"No, I don't want to have regrets about what could have been if I'd just had the guts to do something."

Reilly stood and slapped his friend on the shoulder. "I knew my old friend was in there somewhere. You sound more like your reasonable self."

"Thanks, Jim."

"Don't mention it. Just go take care of business. She's over in the landing bay working on repairing that hole in the hull. I told her it was a two-person job but you know how she is. When she wants to be alone…"

"Yeah, I know," Paul interrupted. "I'll head over there in a few. I need to get my thoughts collected."

"Alright, don't forget you've got KP tonight, but should you need someone to cover for you, just holler at me," Reilly quipped with a wink as he ducked out of the door.

Paul gave serious thought to tossing the towel at him, but he was already gone.

Looking around the room, he gathered up the rest of things and headed off to his quarters. He needed to get cleaned up before he saw Erin.

CP&CP&CP

A short while later, Paul entered the landing bay to hear a sizzle, hiss and a string of words that he knew he didn't teach her. He rushed over to her side.

"Erin! What happened? You okay?"

"Circuit overloaded. I got bit is all. I'm fine," she replied curtly, stepping around him and over to the first aide box on one of the tables to rub a bit of the burn ointment on her hand.

Paul closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was obvious she was still angry with him. Not that he could blame her. He'd been a real jerk a couple of weeks ago about their last mission.

Murphy watched as one UTO ship ascended into the sky and another took its place. The settlement had been attacked the previous day by a small contingent of biomechs. The settlers had fought off the 'mechs but were concerned that another attack would follow quickly. The UTO and Resistance had received a request to help evacuate the settlers.

Murphy eyed the perimeter, noting where each of his people were along with the other Resistance teams that had responded to the call for help. He turned his attention back to the settlers gathered together in the village center. The Resistance teams had gathered everyone together to speed the process of evacuation. Of course it could also make them sitting ducks if a large enough attack happened. Thankfully, the process had gone off without a hitch. So far almost two hundred of the villagers had been evacuated and he estimated that only about a hundred remained. Each UTO ship could carry about fifty passengers, so allowing for loading time they should have everyone else out within forty-five minutes.

Just as he was thinking that maybe they'd get this mission accomplished without firing a shot Tempers voice broke the silence.

"Incoming!"

Murphy hit his comm, "From where?"

The blasts that hit the ground not far from answered his question.

"In front of you," Ford quipped over the comm as Murphy headed for cover.

For a moment, Murphy really considered shooting Ford himself. Ford's predilection for battlefield sarcasm was well known and under some circumstances appreciated, however at that particular moment it was not.

"Does anyone have any useful information?" Murphy replied.

Erin's voice broke in. "It's a company of biomechs, a platoon of Dread Youth and at least one overunit that I can see."

"Alright, all resistance teams fall back. Form a perimeter around the settlers. We just need to hold them off long enough to evacuate the rest of the settlers."

A chorus of "Yes, sir's and will do's" followed on the comms from everyone but the one voice Murphy wanted to hear.

"Sanders, fall back now."

She didn't respond. From his vantage point he saw her move in towards the advancing Dread Youth. It didn't take long for them to spot her. Not that she was really trying to hide from them. Murphy knew from experience when Erin didn't want to be found or seen she wasn't.

"Damnit!" he swore. She was leading them away from the settlers. She knew they wouldn't resist a chance to catch a traitor to the machine. It was a totally unnecessary risk. They had more than enough people to protect the settlers.

"Ford," he called through the comm.

"Go ahead," Ford returned.

"Sanders has gone off the reservation again. I'm going after her. You're in charge. Protect the settlers. Understood?"

"Understood," came the reply

Murphy took off quickly. Erin had a lead on him and it certainly looked like the Overunit and Youth Squad had taken the bait as they were following her out of the settlement. It became evident that the squad and their leaders were solely focused on Erin. He took advantage of that and began picking off squad members as he could. It wasn't long before he heard the tell tale noise that signaled the UTO ships were preparing to leave. Between himself and Erin they had reduced the number of the Youth Squad left to around a dozen or so including the Overunit.

Over the comm, Murphy heard "The UTO ships are leaving. The remaining settlers have been loaded and are on their way. The remaining clickers are being dealt with."

Almost immediately he noticed Erin change directions back towards the settlement at a much quicker pace. Once they reached the edge of the settlement the other resistance forces moved in to assist them. Murphy thought they were home free when the Overunit lobbed a grenade in Erin's direction. He yelled at her to take cover but she did not have enough time. The grenade exploded dangerously close and sent her sailing through the air along with the debris from the buildings around her.

Murphy felt his stomach drop as he saw her flying through the air. Time seemed to both stand still and rush by at that moment. Then he saw her hit the ground with debris landing all around her.

"ERIN!" He yelled running faster than he thought he could. He heard his team and the other resistance forces open up on the remaining Youth squad members. Within moments the remaining squad members were dispatched.

Murphy paid no attention. He was riveted on the unconscious woman lying still too far away from him. He skidded to a stop and dropped to his knees just as she started to stir.

"Erin! Whoa! Hold on, don't try to move," He said worriedly as he took stock of her injuries. He hit his comm, "Ford, get over here. She's seriously injured."

"On my way," came the reply.

"I'm fine, Murphy," Erin started to argue and tried to get up.

Murphy placed both hands on her shoulders to prevent her from getting up. As he did so she flinched as he touched her right shoulder. That she even flinched was a sign she was in considerable pain. Dread Youth had been trained to ignore pain. Learning to listen to the pain had been a hard lesson for Erin to learn.

"Sanders, look at me," Murphy ordered. A moment later very unfocused eyes met his. "You will remain lying here until Ford gets here. You certainly have a concussion and a bleeding head wound and your shoulder looks oddly out of place. We do not know if you have sustained internal injuries. Please, Erin. Don't fight me this time."

From the look on his face he could tell she was having a hard time concentrating on what he was saying.

"Alright. Don't think I have a choice," she responded weakly as he eyes rolled back and she passed out.

"Erin! Erin!" Murphy called as he checked for a pulse. It was steady if a bit weak.

"How's she doing?" Ford asked as he finally arrived pulling out his scanner.

"She just passed out. Her eyes are unfocused, so likely concussion, bleeding head wound, and her right shoulder looks out of place."

Ford watched as the scanner displayed her injuries. "You're right on all counts and can add a couple of broken ribs, and lots of bruises. She's going to be hurting in a few days. Let's get that head wound bandaged up and get her to a hospital. None of her injuries appear to be life threatening but she should probably be looked by a doctor confirm that.

They'd taken her to the Resistance hospital near old Richmond. Her wounds were treated, and the doctor had kept her a couple of days. When they returned to their base, he lost his control and his cool and lit into her about taking unnecessary risks and not following orders. She had stormed out without a word and they hadn't spoken since.

He watched for a moment as she worked to treat the burn on her hand. She was doing fine but with help, it could be done faster. He stepped over to her, and took the burn ointment from her.

"Here let me help," he said gently. He could see the fight in her eyes, but she didn't stop him from helping. Along with the anger, for the first time, he was truly seeing the hurt there too. He'd hurt her and that was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

He finished up with her hand, placing a bandage on the open wound. He knew by tomorrow, the wound would be mostly gone thanks to her dread-enhanced biology but that didn't mean it still didn't need proper care.

Even after he'd finished with the bandage, he continued to hold her hand as a slightly uncomfortable silence stretched between them.

Finally after a few moments, he spoke.

"Look, Erin, we need to talk. There are things I need to say—"

Erin quickly jerked her hand away, and, returned to her work on the ship.

"I think you said quite enough already. I don't really need to hear any more about my mistakes in the field. Besides you have no idea how many battlefield regulations you would have violated if you were in the Dread Youth."

Paul took a moment to breathe rather than respond. If there was one thing Erin had learned well in the last few months, it was how to argue. Unfortunately, he had no one to blame but himself for that one. In his conversations with Jon, he'd learned that Jennifer had taken much longer to learn to argue with him especially over the personal stuff in their relationship. Jon had explained that Jennifer was more likely to say "Yes, Captain" and then do what she felt was necessary later. According to Jon, Jennifer tended to subscribe to Matt's theory of its better to seek forgiveness than ask permission although she really hadn't been aware that's what she'd been doing. Then there was the whole NEVER EVER question authority that had been drilled into them from the time they were children in the Dread Youth.

From what Paul had learned of the Dread Youth, their everyday lives were very regimented. Nothing was left to chance. No possibility of any of them expressing a personal preference or opinion was allowed. For the first year after they took Erin in, she seemed to still be in Dread mode. She talked but still didn't share much about her life before them. Then she'd had to make her first kill in the field to protect some settlers. That was when the walls started coming down. Her anger had exploded and she'd ended up breaking her hand over that incident.

Paul remembered thinking it was almost like a switch got flipped, and not necessarily in a good way. She began to get a bit reckless on missions, taking chances that she shouldn't. She went toe-to-toe with him over everything. He knew he wasn't the only one who beat the hell out of the punching bag on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. He also knew that she reserved her vocal outbursts for him. She'd disagree with the others but she didn't dig in her heels as his grandmother would have said with them the way she did with him. He wondered if finding out that it was fine to question authority released an unknown independence and strong-willed-ness the Dread Youth didn't know they had?" If that was the case, that could explain why both Erin and Jennifer took such risks.

Then there would be moments when they'd talk and she'd share with him certain moments from her childhood in the Dread Youth. Some of what she shared had left him speechless while others had left him wanting to cry for her and all the Youth who had been raised in such an inhuman manner. It occurred to him it had been a good long while since the last time they'd had a decent conversation that hadn't ended up in an argument. He was determined to not let this one devolve into another one. Too much was riding on the outcome of this conversation.

Erin had returned to her work, completely ignoring him. Once again, he was faced with the reality of just how bad he'd let things get because of his own fear. After his talk with Jon several months ago, he'd been a bit more hopeful about the future, then he'd let his own fears and worries take over and they had progressed no further. No more, he decided.

He stepped over to Erin, taking the spanner out of her hand.

"Erin, stop," he said, setting the spanner down on the worktable beside them. "We need to talk."

Erin huffed, not bothering to turn around. "Fine. Talk."

"Could you at least look at me?"

Erin turned to face him.

He made a point to make eye contact with her before he reached for her trembling hands. He knew that was one of her tells when it came to anger. The angrier she got, the worse her hands shook which was why she tried to keep her hands busy.

"I'm sorry, Erin, for…well…so many things. I don't even know where the best place is to start but I'm going to start with saying I'm sorry about losing my temper with you over our last mission. I should have handled things differently. I was just so angry that you took another risk that wasn't necessary," he paused a moment. "You've been taking unnecessary risks for the last several months. Instead of fighting with you, I should have taken the time to find out why you keep taking these risks."

CP&CP&CP

This was not how Erin had pictured her afternoon. She and Paul hadn't been speaking to each other for since their last mission. Not that that was anything unusual. They spent a great deal of time NOT talking to each other. Of course, that was punctuated by periods of near inseparability. The last few years of her life had been crazy, but the last several months had been utter chaos for her internally.

She'd felt a lot better about her situation with Paul following her talk with Jennifer at the Passages last year. Yet, not long after that, things had gone to hell in a handbasket as Tempers liked to say. Steven Tempers was the team's weapon's expert. Erin had learned he could not only come up with some truly ingenious weapons and other deadly devices, he was an endless supply of trivial knowledge on just about any subject that ever came up, including colloquialisms of the English language. Between Tempers and Ryan Ford, the team's main mechanic and former US Marine, she'd learned combinations of words that she would never have imagined to put together. At the moment though, she doubted any of those colorful combinations was going to get out her out of this whatever-it-was conversation with Paul that he seemed intent on having.

"They're not unnecessary risks," she began, trying to pull her hands away unsuccessfully.

"They are. Completely. We were not the only team there. We had plenty of help, and I know you're tactically smart enough to have assessed the situation and determined that we had enough help there without your taking any additional risks, so the question I want to know the answer to is why?"

Erin didn't like where this conversation was headed. She had no intention of getting into the why's of her behavior. He could never understand the things that drove her. Her need to seek forgiveness and make amends for the evils she'd been forced to be a party too. How could he ever understand the guilt she carried? Following Jennifer's break-in at MedLab, she'd been interrogated because of her contact with the intruder. She could not explain why they believed her version of events but they had. Soon after, she'd been transferred back to Volcania in preparation for her next posting to the Med/Sciences school. It was then that she'd learned what her future truly held.

She'd been one of the top students in all her classes, especially in the medical sciences. Because of her exceptional scores in the biological sciences, she was to become one of the research doctors specializing in various medical procedures that would induce a subject to provide answers to whatever questions were asked. In short, she'd been selected to become one of their torture techs.

When she'd been told, she'd struggled to hide the sudden revulsion that she felt. At the time, she didn't understand what she was feeling but instinctively knew she shouldn't convey anything but gratitude to the officer informing her of her future path.

Later, alone in her room, she couldn't stop the physical reaction to the news as she replayed the conversation in her head. Her hands had shook almost uncontrollably and her meal refused to stay down.

"You have served the Machine well, Cadet Erin,' the overunit told her. Your bravery and your attempt to stop the intruder has come to the attention of Lord Dread."

"I'm honored," Erin said by rote.

"Your scores alone would have earned you this position, but your devotion to protecting the Machine and following the will of the Machine has granted you this special disposition."

Special disposition? Then, she didn't know the truth. Now... the very idea that being a torture technician and reveling in the pain and destruction of another human being had Erin running for the wash room as her dinner made a return visit."

Erin had seen a few interrogations. They hadn't last long but they had left an impression on her. She'd been confused by her response to seeing someone in obvious pain but had dismissed it and gone about her duties.

Part of her preparation was for her to view interrogations. She must have viewed over a hundred interrogations during those months between the night she met Jennifer at the MedLab and the time of her own escape.

After each interrogation, she was forced to review the event with her commanding officer and prepare a report on how the subject might have been broken quicker and with less effort by the interrogator. She completed each and every report. Her reports were reviewed and sent up to the chain. She was later informed that Lord Dread himself was very pleased by her observations regarding interrogation tactics. She couldn't help but think that once upon a time that she would have basked in that kind of praise but no longer.

She was not prepared at all for the feelings or thoughts that assaulted her every waking moment. The thoughts and feelings that Jennifer had told her to listen to were becoming increasingly hard to ignore. She had to ignore them to get through her daily duties, but later, when she was alone in her own head, she could no longer ignore them.

Finally, one day after the most grueling interrogations she'd witnessed yet, she knew what she had to do. She had to leave. She couldn't take part in the madness anymore. She could not and would not be forced to come up with ever more painful and sadistic ways to hurt the organics from the wastelands. She hadn't yet learned to call them people but she knew they weren't animals either. What sort of animal allows itself to be tortured to protect others?

Very soon after coming to that decision, an opportunity had presented itself in the form of a Resistance attack on Volcania itself. She'd fled and never looked back.

Everything had at that moment seemed so clear, but now everything, especially inside, was so screwed up. She felt like she teetering on the edge of a dark pit. One she didn't want to fall into, yet at the same time she felt helpless in fighting the darkness within. She could feel the rage building and she desperately wanted to be somewhere else when she could no longer contain it.

"Erin?"

Paul's gentle voice dragged her out her dark thoughts.

"What?" she replied harshly.

"I asked you a question. I want an answer," he replied.

"Well as Tempers says all the time, 'how does it feel to want?' I don't want to talk about this," she replied, finally succeeding in wrenching her hands away from Paul and started to the door. She really didn't want any part of this conversation.

"Oh, no, no, no. We're not doing this again either," he said darting around in front of her to stand in her path.

"Paul," she began through gritted teeth. "You can move or I'll move you. Which do you want?"

"I'm not moving. Neither of us is leaving here until we get this settled. Why won't you answer my question?"

"You should really be careful what you ask for, Murphy. You might not like what you get," she replied lowly with an edge that only hinted at the rage within.

"I'll take my chances."

CP&CP&CP

The next moment found Paul flat on his back with Erin's knife at his throat. He should have been terrified. He'd sparred with Erin and he knew that she was a lot stronger and quicker than she looked. Her hands might tell off on her prior to the rage exploding but once it did, she had exquisite control. She hit where she intended too. She didn't make mistakes and accidentally cut or hit somewhere else. Even with the wild look in her eyes, he knew she wouldn't really hurt him so forced himself not to fight back.

"Did you know there are millions of nerves in the human body?" she asked, in an eerily calm voice that didn't quite match her actions.

Okay, that's weird, he thought, but he decided to go along.

"No," he replied calmly.

"There are over two hundred distinctly named nerves and their sub-branches but there are millions of neurons all over the body, all designed for us to interpret the world around us," she began. "Dread taught us never to feel. Feeling made us weak, made us human. Yet he also taught how to exploit those weaknesses in those we captured. I learned what kind of pain every specific neuron is capable of conducting, which ones convey the most pain to the brain. I learned to put someone in pain with merely a nerve pinch. I know where to shoot, where to cut, and where to hit to bring down someone."

She fell silent for a moment but Paul thought it best he keep his mouth shut for the time being. He wanted her to keep talking. Even though he had no idea where she was going with this, he knew she wouldn't be talking about it if it wasn't important.

"Have you ever witnessed an interrogation?" she asked, breaking the short silence.

"No," he replied honestly.

"Hmm…you're lucky," she replied. "They're not anything I ever want to see again."

He could tell her breathing was slowing down a bit. When she'd landed him on the ground a few moments earlier her breathing and agitation levels were sky high. She was showing signs of calming down just a bit. The knife she'd had at his throat had backed away considerably as she began to calm.

"The overunits interrogated every person we captured. No exceptions, even children were questioned."

Paul was beginning to get a really bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. This was so not where he thought this conversation was going. With each passing word, Erin was sounding more like a lost little girl.

"I never told you what my ultimate path was to be did I?" she asked, allowing the knife to slip from her fingers to come to rest on the floor beside Paul. She loosened her grip on his shirt and eased back focusing her gaze on the far wall. Paul raised himself up face to face with her.

"You said you were to be one their doctors."

She continued her staring at the back wall. "A doctor? No, not a doctor." She was calmer than she was a few moments before but Paul wasn't sure he preferred this Erin to the one who'd knocked him to the ground just moments ago.

Finally she lowered her head, as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"I take the chances I do to make amends," she stated in a voice barely above a whisper.

Amends? Amends for what? He thought.

"For what?" he asked gently as brushed a lock her hair off her forehead and out of her eyes.

"For the evil I was forced to take part in, for what Dread was going to have me do. My path was to eventually follow in the steps of Kentesius. I showed an exceptional understanding of how the human body worked, and they intended me to use that to further enhance their interrogation methods as Kentesius had," she choked out. "I was in training to be a torturer."

Paul was floored. Now the questions she'd asked made perfect sense, and so did her complete aversion to being the team's medic. Elliot currently had that job, but Erin had been forced to treat battlefield wounds in the past and had done an amazing job but steadfastly refused to have anything to do with treating anyone's wounds unless it was absolutely necessary.

Her tears were flowing freely now and her shoulders shook. He scooted closer to her and pulled her to him. His own feelings were threatening to overwhelm him, but now was not the time to give vent to his own feelings of anger and disgust at Dread and his evil ways. Right now, the most important thing was the woman crying in his arms.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Erin. Nothing to make amends for," he whispered in her ear.

She pulled back a bit. "I do. You don't know many interrogations I was forced to watch and then had to present a report on how the technician and interrogator could have done a better job. Some of my suggestions were put into action and made part of the new protocol of the Fifth Kentesius Procedure. They've killed people with it. I should have done something else but I didn't. I watched and then wrote my reports. I didn't try to help any of them!"

"And what would have happened to you if you had tried to help one of them?"

"What?" she asked, confused.

"What would have happened to you?"

CP&CP&CP

Erin had to pause at his question. She had never asked herself that question of what would have happened to her if she'd interrupted an interrogation or had tried to help a subject in any way. She knew the answer without having to think about it.

"I would likely have been shot immediately."

"And would that have stopped the torture?"

"No," she conceded lowering her head.

"Erin," Paul started, placing a hand under her chin to raise her eyes to him. "You have nothing to be sorry about or for. You couldn't have done anything to stop any of it. You did the only thing you could do and left. You've done everything you can and then some to help us stop Dread since then. Taking unnecessary risks isn't going to accomplish anything but possibly getting you injured or worse."

"I still feel responsible," she sniffled.

"But you're not. Erin, you've come so far and learned so much, and you've taught us a lot too! Don't take on more than your share of what you really are responsible for. You couldn't control anything about how you were raised or what happened in the Dread Youth. You can control the here and now with us. The team needs you—"

"The team?" she interrupted.

"If you'd let me finish. The team does need you, but I need you too," he said gently, leaning down to kiss her.

CP&CP&CP

Erin found herself unable to put a coherent thought together. As she'd never been kissed before she wasn't prepared for the sensations running through her. All she could think was that those books she'd read didn't even come close to describing what this felt like.

It was like falling and flying at the same time. Some would argue that those are the same thing, but as a pilot she knew there was a distinct difference.

After a moment she felt him pull away and she opened her eyes to see him watching her with a look she'd hadn't seen from him before. It was the same look that Captain Power had when he looked at Jennifer. Did that mean that Paul loved her? She was both elated and terrified at that thought. Elated that maybe the things she'd been feeling for him were returned and terrified that he'd decide that she wasn't worth the effort because of her past.

Something in her face must have given away her thoughts because Paul began to speak.

"Erin, I can see the wheels turning. What's going on in your head?"

"Umm…too much I think. I don't know how to describe it."

"As long as you're not mad at me," he replied.

"Mad at you for what?"

"For kissing you."

"Why would I be mad about that? I've been waiting for you to do that for months. I kind of gave up on it a while back. I figured you'd decided that I wasn't worth the time or effort with my past," the young woman replied with a hint of sadness in her voice.

"Not worth the…Erin, you're so worth the effort and the time. I just… I got scared okay? I let my fears about the future stop me from doing anything. I saw what happened to Jon after he thought he'd lost Jennifer. I was afraid that if I took that next step with you that if the day came and I lost you too, I wouldn't be able to go on. Those few months that Jennifer was gone, the Resistance leaders were preparing contingencies for when they lost him. The depth to which her loss affected him caught all of us by surprise as none of us where aware there was even anything between them. We all figured it was just a matter of time before he got himself killed in action. Thankfully, that didn't happen," he finished.

"So the last few months, all the fights and—"

"Was me being a complete ass because I was scared. I can't tell you how sorry I am," he interrupted. "But I don't want you to think you are not wanted around here or that you aren't worth the time. You're very much wanted around here and I just needed to get my head out of my ass as Reilly suggested and see what was right in front of me."

"It's okay—"

"No—"

"Yes, it is," she said placing a finger against his lips, repeating a gesture she'd seen others use from time to time. "It's okay, really. I haven't exactly been…what was the phrase Tempers used? Oh, yeah. Little Miss Sunshine. I haven't exactly been Little Miss Sunshine around here either. Maybe we should just call it even?"

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Paul chuckled a bit at Erin's suggestion. Maybe they should call it even but that didn't mean he wouldn't still do something to make it up to her. While he agreed she hadn't been easy to live with the last few months he knew that the majority of the problems were of his own making. She was still playing catch-up with what he and his team saw as everyday things. He was in charge and responsible for her not the other way around.

"Maybe we will call it even. I still think a lot of the problems we've had over the last few months could have been avoided if I hadn't been running like a scared child," he said as he traced one side of her face with his fingers stopping to cup her cheek. "I need you to know that you're not a burden to either the team or me. Nor will you ever be. Watching you learn and discover the world out here has been an honor for us. We had no idea what it was like for any of the Dread Youth. It's been a helluva ride the last couple of years, and somewhere in all the chaos I fell in love with you."

She just stared at him with her mouth slightly open. After a few moments Paul began to get nervous.

"Erin? Please don't tell me I just made a complete fool of myself?"

She didn't reply, instead she kissed him.

And his last coherent thought for several moments was that for someone with absolutely no experience she wasn't doing bad at all.

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Unbeknownst to either Paul or Erin, they had an audience. The three remaining members of the team let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Maybe now things will calm down around here," Ford whispered.

Reilly motioned for the other two to follow him as he headed away from the landing bay. When they'd moved far enough away Reilly replied, "I don't know about that. I think we just got a different kind of tense to deal with now."

"What do mean?" Tempers asked taking a seat as the group entered their kitchen area.

"Well, I've known Paul a long time. Loverboy is going to screw it up a time or two, but that will be easier to deal with than what we have had going on around here," Reilly returned.

Ford set three cups and a bottle of homemade "moonshine" they had traded for in the last village they helped out.

"I thought that was only for special occasions," Tempers stated.

"It is and this is! It's not everyday we see our leader get his head out of his ass," Ford replied as he poured some in each cup.

The three men each raised their cup.

"To Erin and Paul," Reilly began, "And may blessed peace again grace our humble little home."

"Here, here." the other two replied as they all downed their drink.

"Well, I'm betting those two are going to resurface for a while so if we want to eat we better fix it ourselves," Reilly said leading the way back to the food storage.

"So this is how its going to be from now on?" Tempers chuckled as the three men disappeared into the back of the kitchen.

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The End

A/N: This story was a long time in the making. I've got several others in the works but sadly real life likes to but in and take over my time. But still let me know what you think! I live for reviews!