Words are Easy
Summary: All he's not saying annoy her. But when Mac finally gets him to admit what she's been waiting to hear she realizes he's been saying it all along. AU Harm/Mac
Author's Note: Hiya all! I wrote this based on an idea I had awhile ago. The title itself came from a sermon I heard awhile ago. It's my first JAG fic but I shall allow you all to be brutally harsh. Comments/suggestions/questions or thoughts are always appreciated. ~ Annieca
"You know I hate that music Harm." Mac complained, tapping her fingers on the dashboard.
"What? You mean you don't like Beirut Nights Radio?" Harm teased.
"No. I hate dance music."
Harm nodded and pressed a button to switch to the CD. "This is actually your gift, but since you won't agree to let me listen to my satellite radio I'll let you listen to it early." He smiled, glancing over at her.
The first song began to play and Mac closed her eyes, wrapped up in the music. How had he known? This was her favorite song. She couldn't speak as she just closed her eyes, letting it all soak in. The song was a rock song but it had an interesting cello piece in the background, which is why Mac had fell in love with it in the first place.
Then the next song came on and Mac's eyes flew open to see Harm grinning, looking out onto the open road. "How did you know I liked these songs?"
"I know you Mac. You love something with an edge but despite that you have a weakness for classical. As for the Ave Maria, I have no idea. It just sounded something like you."
"I used to play this to Chloe when she was little to get her to go to sleep – I mean, when I had to baby-sit, although I never really considered it babysitting."
"So I suppose I have good detective skills don't I?"
"Maybe you do. Just…don't use your detective skills to get in trouble with the Admiral on a case again."
"Aww…Mac, come on!"
"No Harm. The first investigation by Lindsey was bad enough. Imagine if someone who actually could tolerate us were to investigate us. It would be horrible. We would all probably get reassigned."
Harm sobered for a moment, his carefree smile dropping away leaving a slightly sad, with a hint of emotionless in his face. "I'm sorry. I won't Mac."
"We're going to be late for our appointment."
"No we're not…it's only 13:15 and our appointment is at 13:30."
"Actually its 13:17 and 33 seconds and I heard traffic isn't wonderful around the belt."
"You and your Marine time."
"Yes, me and my Marine time that always wants us to be there on time!"
"All right, calm down Mac. We will get there on time. I promise. If we don't, I owe you a nice dinner."
Mac nodded her brain now whirling. She had wanted to have dinner with him for a while so they could finally talk. Everything seemed to be happening too quickly and it felt like, at least to Mac, that things were spinning out of control. Bud and Harriet were so perfectly happy and she felt like her opportunities were flying out of the window in some stunt only Harm could pull. She wanted to talk to him about how they needed no they almost needed to require them, to stop dancing around the issue and just go on with their lives.
If that meant she had to leave, then so be it. Mac didn't want to leave but she knew if he said no… If Harm could not offer her the answer she needed, she craved, and then she would have to leave. She had actually had the transfer papers all ready on her computer, changing stations anytime something more interesting came up. They were always ready, she just had to print, sign and date them. And then she would be able to walk away from him forever, knowing the truth.
They arrived at the appointment at 13:31 and seventeen seconds. "So where are we going to dinner Harm?"
"I think we should go to the Melting Pot."
"When you said nice, you meant nice didn't you?"
"Do you have a problem with that restaurant? We can go somewhere else if you want. I mean, I just thought you might like fondue."
"I actually do like fondue." She said, feeling uneasy at how he knew what she liked to eat. "Especially since we normally get Chinese or pizza in the office, it is fine with me. What day?"
"Tomorrow night – Friday at nineteen hundred okay with you?"
"Perfectly okay." Mac said, smiling again as he held open the door for her.
"It's a deal then."
Mac stopped walking, shocked. She had heard 'It's a date.' It was as if Harm was giving her some sort of signal that said she was going to receive the conformation she needed.
"You okay Mac?" Harm said, putting a hand on her back to steer her gently away from the oncoming crowd of little children on a field trip.
"Yeah, fine, I'm fine." She shook it off, knowing he probably didn't say the word date anyway.
It was going to be a long day.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Mac didn't fuss over what she was going to wear. She knew fondue was messy and she knew the type of clothing expected at the Melting Pot. So she chose a very simple black dress. The only thing exceptional about it was the back. It was almost backless with a navy blue velvet tie at the top that went down her back. Her shoes were navy blue too.
However, while she was the epitome of calm when dressing doing her makeup and hair seemed to be a completely different story. She kept dropping her mascara on the floor or on Jingo. By the time six fifty rolled around poor Jingo and the floor were covered in black smudges.
"I'm sorry sweetheart." Mac murmured, hugging Jingo before opening the door for Harm.
"You look amazing Mac."
"Thanks. So are you ready to go?"
"I'm ready when ever you are."
"Then let's go." Harm offered an arm that Mac took as he led her to the car. When he opened the car door, she could hear a sharp intake of breath. She assumed he had seen the back of her dress.
"Is it that bad? I didn't think it was that low when I bought it." Mac said, more to herself than to Harm.
"No…it's fine." He answered though Mac could sense hesitation in his voice. What was going on? What was he going to do that he was already nervous about?
They arrived at the restaurant just in time for their reservationswhere the host glided – no, she didn't walk, she glided – them to their table.
"So why did you offer me dinner?"
"Because we need to talk."
"Uh oh – I've never liked those words."
"Neither have I. Especially when it came from my mother."
"My mother left…we didn't really have those talks all mother daughters had."
"And my father went MIA so I suppose we're even." He shot back, though the response was without the venom.
"I'm sorry Harm. Now what did you want to talk about?"
"I want to know something Sarah…"
Mac knew it instantly couldn't be good if he was calling her by her first name. The only time he had called her Sarah was on that ferry in Australia.
"Wait…Harm, let me talk first okay?"
He seemed agitated but let her go first. "Go ahead."
"Do you even care about me? I mean, we've been dancing around each other for almost seven years and I'm so tired… so tired of dancing Harm. I want to know if you want to stay here forever. Do you want to date me, to hold me, to love me?"
"I…"
"I'm not done yet. I know Navy protocol pretty well. Harriet and Bud yes worked in the same office but that was different. They were discreet about it. I don't think we could be discreet if we started a relationship. You wouldn't be able to keep your hands off me most likely and there would be plenty of awkward moments in broom closets. So I guess what I want to ask is if you are willing to give up your career for me."
Mac closed her eyes, not letting her eyes meet his. She didn't want to see his reaction though she could hear a sharp intake of breath. "I can't give up my career for you Mac."
"Then that's all I needed to know." She opened her eyes, still avoiding his own. "Now what did you want to ask me?"
Harm shook his head. "It's not important anymore. You asked it in your own way I suppose."
"So what do you think the outcome for the Handle case will be?"
"I think he'll end up taking a deal from Sturgis and we'll be done by the end of the day on Monday."
"What do you think his punishment will be?" Mac asked, spearing an apple piece to dip in the cheese.
"I think he'll get two months confinement and a deduction in pay."
"Somewhat contradicting in my opinion."
"I think Sturgis is contradicting himself right now anyway."
"You don't think he likes me the prosecution right now?"
"No, actually I think he hates it. This is a case that happened to one of his buddies back before he was on the subs. His friend was discharged from the Navy."
"Does the Admiral know this?"
"Oh probably. The Admiral seems to know everything about us. I think the Admiral just wanted Sturgis to grow out of past mistakes that happened to friends."
"Sounds like a halfway decent idea."
"I don't know Mac." Harm dipped a piece of bread in the cheese, eating it before proceeding. "I mean, it is one thing to get over something and it's another to have to get over it by witnessing it from the other side a second time."
Mac sighed. "I suppose you have a point."
"But we probably should be talking about work anyway. What's going on with your life?"
"Jingo just celebrated a birthday I believe."
"Did you feed him cake?" Harm asked with his infamous grin.
"No, though he did try to eat some of my ice cream that night."
"And how is Chloe?"
"Great. She just won a trophy at her horse agility competition."
"She should be in the Navy Calvary." Harm teased.
"Oh yes, because the Navy definitely has a horse based unit. Didn't those go out with the stone ages Harm?"
"Probably…I don't know. I don't keep up on Army things."
"We probably should. I heard a few of the SecNav's seamen that they are going to put an army man or woman in the JAG corps. Apparently the Army isn't as efficient as we are."
"Efficient, Mac, are we talking about the same JAG corps? We spend so much needless money to do things that definitely do help our case but don't help the Navy."
"True, but I think it would be interesting to work with someone from a different branch – I mean, the Marine and Navy uniforms are pretty dull."
"At least we don't have to wear puke green."
"Oh, well the army has to wear those too though they get away with wearing fatigues all the time. How do they do that?"
"I guess they're just lucky or they don't have as strict a dress code.."
"It's possible."
"I think the Navy and the Marines' have one of the strictest dress codes in all the services."
"Probably, although we have one of the shortest deployments, so I suppose that makes up for it."
"It probably does." Harm said, smiling.
The rest of the dinner was spent talking about different current events happening and the next assignment that the Admiral had been brewing over, trying to decide if they should go to Kosovo or South Africa. Personally, Mac wanted to go to South Africa since she had been to Kosovo enough for one lifetime, maybe even two.
"Can you drop me off at the office Harm? I forgot to grab some paperwork that I need to do this weekend."
"Do you want me to wait for you there – I mean, how would you get back?"
"Oh, I know Tiner still owes me a favor or two."
"Okay, see you Monday Mac."
Mac got out of the car and walked up to her office, ignoring the funny look she got from a few late-leaving members of the corps when she started clanking away at her computer.
"Is he in Tiner?"
"He's about ready to leave ma'am, but if you want to see him, I'm sure it'll be fine." Tiner poked his head through the door, "Sir, it's Lt. Colonel MacKenzie."
"Enter."
Sarah MacKenzie entered the room, holding the manila folder, her hand shaking slightly as she approached the older and higher ranking gentleman.
"What can I do for you?"
She just handed him the folder. She didn't say a word, letting her head fall in quiet waiting.
"You want to be transferred to Key West Naval Air Station?"
"Yes sir. They need a Marine liaison and I feel qualified to do the job."
"Would you be working with JAG?"
"Yes, I would."
"Well then, I suppose the next question comes as to why."
This was the part Mac had been practicing for months, trying to get the wording just right. It had never sounded right in her head but now as she spoke it finally all made sense to her. "I feel I have fulfilled my usefulness to the main JAG corps and I feel that it would be a better use of my talent to teach others how to have such a solid grasp of the military law and legal proceedings."
"You would be stuck with some people who are not only idiots, but they don't care."
"I understand sir. But I believe this is my opportunity to grow and I need to take it."
"How long have you had this paper sitting in your desk?"
"Sir?"
"Something sparked this but it was not the first thing – it was like, as an old friend used to say, the straw that broke the camel's back after you drove over it with a tank."
"I've had in on my computer for about five months now sir. Each time I found a better position I changed it."
"What made you decide tonight?"
"I'd rather not say." Her eyes now remained steady with his. She wasn't going to look down because then he would know; he would know she was leaving because of him.
"Very well. I'll have Tiner process this on Monday morning."
"Actually sir, I would appreciate if you could do this by yourself, and as quickly as possible."
"Well then I shall do it tonight."
"Thank you."
"When shall I tell them you will be ready to report for, since I doubt they'll demand you there at a certain time."
"Tell them I'll be there Tuesday night."
"Very well Lt. Colonel. See you on Monday."
"Good night sir." Mac exited the office and closed the door behind her. "Tiner, I need a ride home…do you think you could give me one?"
"Sure ma'am. I was planning on leaving soon anyway."
Mac was silent on the drive home, keeping herself calm. She answered Tiner's questions about her day and her "date" with Harm since apparently that had gotten all around the office. She answered each one politely though she didn't offer up anything more than she had to.
Once she closed the door to her apartment the calm façade immediately dissolved. Mac took the CD Harm had given her and threw it in the trash in a moment of pure; almost rage though it wasn't strong enough to be called rage. It was more just hurt and anguish than rage. So she started to pack boxes. For some reason she had been expecting this and so had bought a whole carton of boxes to start packing her apartment.
Five in the morning on Saturday, Mac collapsed on her couch, ignoring the amounts of newspapers and rags that crunched underneath her since she hadn't managed to clean off the sofa before collapsing.
She woke up two hours later, still exhausted but somehow rejuvenated. A quick cup of coffee and a filled dog food bowl and she was off packing again. But Mac wasn't just packing – she was throwing away. And she just wasn't throwing away to be throwing away. She was condensing and she was throwing away memories. Of course she would always keep the memories in side of her but Mac knew better than to keep physical things as memories. That was just plain stupid.
Thirteen boxes down and someone knocked on her door. "Mac, it's Harriet…may I come in?"
"Sure." Mac opened the door seeing a smiling Harriet. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to see if you were all right. Harm stopped by after the dinner last night and he seemed somewhat upset."
"Oh, I'm fine."
"Then why are you packing?"
"I found a better apartment – it's cheaper and there's a yard in the back for Jingo." The dog barked in appreciation of being talked about.
"Ah, well, do you need some help?"
"Actually, that would be wonderful."
"You never realize how much junk you have until you have to move do you?" Harriet asked, taking off her coat.
"No, you really don't I suppose. I've been throwing away things like crazy and I still have enough stuff to not fit in my car in one trip."
"Why do you need to go in one trip?"
"My landlord wants me out as soon as possible and for some reason once I start loading he wants me gone." Mac made up the quickest lie she could think of, and thankfully Harriet bought it.
"Well, are you taking the Corvette?"
"Yes."
"Well we can see if everything fits but it looks like it probably won't. You might have to use a U Haul."
"Maybe I could just borrow a tank."
"Yes, because they would definitely allow that."
"Or I could ship it."
"Or I could take some in my car." Harriet offered.
"No, no, it's fine. I'll figure out a way to fit everything in. I inherited my uncle's magic with packing."
"Well that's handy."
Three hours later, they finally finished except for a few things Mac would still be using until Monday night.
"So how long had you been packing before I got here?"
"Well I started at about 10:30 and worked until 5 in the morning and then took a two hour nap and worked some more, and then you came. So, um… about twelve hours?"
"You should sleep ma'am. I'll make us some lunch and you can take a quick nap."
"No, it's fine. I really need to do some other things before I move."
Harriet seemed skeptical. "Are you sure you're okay? Harm seemed really upset last night although he wouldn't say why."
"I'm fine. There were just a few things we said that should never have been said, though in retrospect they needed to be said."
"Ma'am, if you ever need to talk…"
"You'll be the first I call." Mac finished the sentence, handing Harriet her coat and gently persuading her to leave.
Mac had no idea where to send the boxes so she sent them to a distant friend she knew who lived just south of Miami. She could stop by, visit and hopefully have her friend follow her to Key West. She had checked and it was only a three-hour drive from Miami to Key West. The only thing was it was a nineteen-hour drive from Falls Church to Key West. If she went in super early, say at seven on Monday and then left by eight she would be there by 3 in the afternoon if she drove straight. So she would just have to leave early in time to get there by Tuesday night, late.
So there, she had a plan. It wasn't really set in stone but Mac didn't care. She was flying by whatever means she could and she wanted to go faster than this plane could take her.
Almost everything had been finalized when she slept through the entire day Sunday, not waking up until eight at night that day. She hadn't realized how exhausted she had been. She felt guilty almost leaving so quickly but she knew she needed to get everything done quickly.
Monday morning Mac was in her office at dawn packing up her office. Harm peeked his head in. "Wow, it looks like a tornado hit in here. What are you doing?"
"I am cleaning out my office."
"Why?"
"Ask the Admiral."
Just then, someone did tell Harm and Mac that the Admiral wanted to see both of them.
"I would like everyone to say goodbye to Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie." The Admiral announced in the main area.
"Where is she going?" The first words were not from Harm but from Sturgis. Harm looked speechless and almost heartbroken. No, not almost heartbroken. He did look heartbroken.
"I'm going to be a JAG at the Key West Naval Air Station."
"Florida?" Harriet asked.
"Yes, Florida."
"May I see you a moment?" Harm asked, uneasily. He cleared his throat and his eyes shifted from her to her old office.
"When do you leave? Are you excited? When did you get asked?"
"I leave as soon as you all stop saying goodbye. I need to be there tomorrow night and it's a nineteen hour drive non-stop. Yes, I'm excited for the warm weather. And I didn't get asked…"
She watched as Harm turned around, interested to hear what she had to say. "I applied. It was a position I just couldn't turn down."
"I wish you could have told us sooner – then maybe we could have had a proper goodbye." Bud said, stepping closer to her.
"No, it's better this way. Anyway, I knew weeks ago, I just didn't want to tell anyone." She glanced at the Admiral who merely scowled for a moment before returning to the smiling face. He knew the truth.
"Mac…now?" Harm asked, pulling her into the office closest. After shutting the door and letting her sit down he rounded on him. "What are you doing?"
"I'm moving."
"That was bullshit about you knowing for weeks. I think you told the Admiral you wanted the job after our date on Friday."
"Harm it's a great job."
"You belong here."
Mac stood up, hurt and now angered. "I don't belong anywhere Harm. I never have. And I especially don't belong in a place where people never can seem to say what they really feel!"
"Mac you have to listen to me…you never let me tell you the whole story on Friday."
"I don't care Harm. I have a job and I've got to get down to Key West."
"You're running."
"So what if I am?" She asked, glaring.
"You need to read this before you go." Harm said, pulling out a letter.
"Fine. But I'll do it as soon as I get out of Virginia."
"As long as you come back."
"I won't."
"You know, even if the Admiral pulled strings it would be highly unlikely for you to need to be down there so soon or you to receive the job so quickly."
"You know what Harm? I'm a Marine. I take care of my own. I know what I'm doing and I know I have a job."
"Just…just read it Mac."
Mac nodded, finally leaving. She made her way out of Virginia without glancing at the letter sitting in the cup holder too much but the minute she passed into the next state she pulled over and opened it.
Sarah –
I know you're probably still upset about Friday and you have every right to be. But I have to explain a few things first.
You asked me if I would give up my career for you and I answered no. But that no is not a simple no. You know that I went into the Navy because of my father. It terrified my mother, which might have been another reason, but I mostly enlisted for my father. If I leave, I'm leaving his legacy undone and I would feel an immense amount of embarrassment and shame. Do you know what that feels like Mac? I know I need to stop living for my father but the Navy is my way of remembering him. Don't make me chose between my father and you Mac. You know that is no fair contest.
Now I need to say something else. I was going to ask you if you loved me that night Mac. I was going to ask you if you wanted to spend more time together as you said, holding and caring for you. But sometimes, and I think it's a Marine thing you are so dense. I LOVE YOU SARAH MACKENZIE! I have loved you for so long.
Now I'm sure you want to know why I haven't said it before. Well I've been saying it since the first month we started working together. You just haven't noticed.
I remember when we used to go to church, one time my pastor said that words were easy and actions were hard. I remember that sermon to this day. And that is how I live my life with you because I care so much about you that I don't want to do the easy thing.
Think about it Mac. Think about how I touch the small of your back, I hold the door open and I make sure you are safe above all. Think about how I hold you when you cry. Think about how I help you whenever I can even if it means I'll get in trouble. Think about how I took your hand that day and never let go. Think about how I smile about you.
Now those are the physical things. Now I want you to think about all the little things. Think about how I know your favorite food, what you crave when you're grouchy. Think about how I always make sure you get the 'juicy' pen when we're in the conference room. Think about how I know all your favorite songs and decided to make you a CD. Does that sound like the actions of a man who isn't taken totally and completely by you? Because if they aren't, then you have every right to be mad.
I know that hindsight is twenty-twenty. So if I were to go back I would make sure that I told you in exact (maybe short syllables too) words how I felt. But we can't go back. We can only go forward. You taught me that.
So if you are still angry I'll understand. Just know I didn't want to do the easy thing – I never do. I wanted to do the hard thing to show you I cared about you.
Love,
Harm
Mac closed her eyes, resting her head against the headrest. "Oh Harm…" She drove to the nearest exit and turned around.
"Harriet, can you tell Harm to come outside?" Mac called her good friend as she approached Falls Church.
"Sure ma'am."
She got out of her car and leaned on it, waiting to see Harm. Harm looked so upset when he exited the building but then he saw her. And while Mac wanted to remain still, she couldn't stop herself from running right into his arms.
"You came back." He breathed, holding her tightly.
"I had a little encouragement."
"Really?"
"Your letter."
"Ah, well then I'm glad I can write a good letter."
"Say it."
"Say what? That I'm good at writing?"
"No. Say the part in all caps."
Harm grinned. "I love you Sarah MacKenzie."