a/n: this was originally the first chapter of a very strange story that I have, thankfully, abandoned.
Richard Larsen was an extremely careful man. He did everything by the book. He had a solid reputation as an investigator. His success rate was through the roof and promotion was imminent.
So why, then, was he currently in the middle of Central Park, pinned underneath a very naked scientist and being yelled at by a billionaire wearing a metal suit?
The Universe was a cruel, cruel bastard. That's why.
This whole case was an absolute nightmare. It made him wish he could go back to sitting in an office listening to phone taps of Mafia suspects talking about oddly-shaped prostitutes from Friday night or who shot the hobo on K street (hint: it was the Russians).
A normal case consisted of suspects, underground networks, and some chain of events that connected everything together. There was no chain of events in this case. It was more like a web woven by a drunken spider. The most powerful intelligence organization in the world was suddenly Enemy Number One, but really it wasn't, but actually it kind of was, and all the while there were weird things going on that nobody was used to seeing because said agency usually kept them under wraps.
And then, of course, there were the aliens. Honest-to-God aliens. From space.
To make things easier the government just labeled them all terrorists. Enhanced human? Terrorist. SHIELD rank-and-file? Terrorist. Superhero? Definitely terrorist.
And so here he was, face to face with the enemy: a group of certifiably insane terrorists-nee-vigilantes that had just saved his life and were very incensed about it.
"Do you realize what you've done?" yelled Tony Stark, world's most famous douche.
"Mfffmmff."
"It's not his fault," said Steve Rogers, All-American something-or-other. He pulled the naked man off of Larsen's chest.
Finally, oxygen. "I didn't- there wasn't-" Larsen stuttered.
"We should leave this place. They will be coming," warned the real, actual alien.
Stark waved his hand. "Oh who cares. I'm done with this. Thor, get the civvy out of here before I punch him in the face."
Civvy?
Rogers dropped Naked Scientist-who was actually Bruce Banner, who was still unconscious-and very directly addressed Stark. "You should show some respect, Stark. This is a man of the Law."
Damn straight.
"Lay off, Rogers. If he hadn't been snooping around none of this would have happened and our cover would still be intact."
Larsen was an investigator. All he did was snoop. He had a degree in snooping. What was this guy expecting?
"Blame HYDRA, not the US Government," Rogers argued. "They're the reason we're in hiding in the first place."
Stark laughed. "Yeah, because the US government is so innocent." He directed his rage at Larsen again. "Why do you think we have to do everything ourselves? The government is so incompetent-"
"Incompetent?" Larsen wanted to jump up and punch Stark in the face but the feeling was still coming back to his legs. He opted for arguing from the ground instead. "Excuse me, Mister Douche-in-a-Tin-Can, but until two years ago shit like aliens and superheroes wasn't in the cards. It's not our fault-"
"No, see actually it is." Stark kneeled down closer to Larsen in a very demeaning way, like he was talking to a child. "Ya wouldn't need superheroes if the government could do its job right. And another thing-"
"Yeah because SHIELD was the picture of competence-"
"-don't know where you get off calling me a terrorist. Me. Who was it that brought peace to the Middle East-"
"-legitimate security threat-"
"-did the job of like five governments all by himself? And then you have the balls to-"
"-just trying to evaluate the risk-"
"-with your 'evidence' and interrogate us like common criminals-"
"-plenty of reasons to warrant an investigation-"
"-and you just had to antagonize Banner-"
"He was cooperating! And in my defense I had no idea that he was going to do that." Larsen gestured at Banner and waved his arms stupidly.
Stark made a loud "psh" sound. "What, do you live in a cave? Do you not know who the Hulk is?"
"WELL I DO NOW!" Larsen yelled.
"We really should leave, Stark," said the alien that looked like a supermodel and not an alien at all and who was also called Thor.
"Thor's right," said Rogers as he slapped Banner on the face, trying and failing to wake him. "And Bruce is out cold. One of you take him back. I'll see Agent Larsen home."
Stark took off without another word and Thor picked up Banner, mumbling something about "idiot humans." He too flew off into the skyline.
Larsen finally got to his feet.
"Sorry about them, Agent Larsen. They're really not all that bad. Can I call you a cab?"
"No thanks," he mumbled, brushing grass off of his suit.
"I promise you'll be safe," Rogers assured him.
"Yeah no that's great and all… but I don't live in New York."
Apparently they had forgotten that thirty-two hours ago they were all in DC, sitting in an interrogation room. That was the last time Larsen had had any control over the situation.
Rogers blinked stupidly. "Oh. Well I can find-"
"It's okay, really." You're all fucking crazy. "I've got some money, I'll find my way to the airport." And then quit my job. And then move to the mountains. "Thanks."
He turned and headed for the closest street, leaving Rogers standing by himself in the grass.