One Wednesday morning, Joey opened his eyes painfully, feeling his head pounding like crazy. He tried rubbing it away with his palms but to no use. Slowly, he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He could hear a radio playing in the distance, realizing that Chandler was in the kitchen, probably getting some coffee and breakfast before heading off to work.
When Joey had pulled on his robe and got to the living room, Chandler took notice of him.
"Good morning," he said with a smile.
"Morning," Joey said and sat down by the counter in front of Chandler, who stood on the other side.
Joey got a hand on the newspaper and flipped it open only to find his head too pained to even focus on the letters. He massaged his temple with a sigh.
"Is that still bothering you?" Chandler asked. They looked at each other.
"Kinda," Joey admitted, now rubbing his forehead. "It's worst in the morning, though."
"Joe, you really need to go see a doctor." Chandler spoke with a serious tone.
"It's just a headache," Joey insisted. "It'll go away eventually."
Chandler poured a cup of coffee and handed it to his boyfriend.
"I'm just a little worried," he said.
"I'm fine." Joey accepted the coffee and took a sip. "Don't worry so much."
In the middle of a conversation, Chandler suddenly heard a loud thud by the kitchen followed by Rachel's voice calling out Joey's name. When he turned around, he saw his Joey lying sprawled on the floor, his mouth slightly open and his eyes closed.
Rachel was already kneeling down beside him, when Ross came sprinting across the room, passing Chandler quickly.
"Joey? Joey!" Chandler shouted, following Ross in an instant.
Gently pushing Rachel away, Ross knelt down as well. Chandler got down to Joey's head, calling his boyfriend's name over and over.
"Joe? Can you hear me?" Ross shook his friend by his chest and then leaned down, putting his ear close to Joey's mouth. After a few seconds he sat up straight once again. "Thank God, he's breathing."
"Joey?" Chandler moved in on Joey, so he could rest his head in his lap. He cupped in cheek.
"Should we call an ambulance?" Monica asked from above Chandler and Ross, and they both looked at her. She had already got a hold on the phone.
Unexpectedly, Joey stirred, slowly putting his hand to his head and massaging his forehead. The others sighed in relief almost synchronized.
"What happened?" Joey breathed out, squinting.
"You passed out," Ross said lowly. "Are you alright?"
Only shrugging, Joey didn't give a straight answer.
Chandler and Ross grabbed Joey's shoulders and got him to sit up. Monica passed through Rachel and Phoebe, holding a bottle of water, which Ross accepted and undid the cap.
"Thanks," Joey mumbled, as Ross gave him the water. He took a few mouthfuls before exhaling heavily. Now looking up, he realized that all eyes were on him.
"I'm fine," he assured and stumbled a little when getting up from the floor. Chandler kept supporting him for a little while, as the other friends looked at them with wonder.
"I really think you should go to the doctor," Chandler told Joey when back at their apartment. "Maybe it's something serious."
"C'mon, Chandler," Joey pleaded and turned to him in the middle of the living room, "it's probably nothing!"
"But what if it is something?" Chandler stepped forward. "You can't say it's nothing, when you have no idea. I'm pretty worried about you."
"It's just a headache," Joey tried once again.
"Yeah, a headache that's lasted for, what, a week now? At least get some painkillers prescribed or something."
"Alright, alright," Joey surrendered. "But will you go with me? Hospitals... kinda freak me out." He looked guilty as charged.
"You played a doctor for quite some time, Joe," Chandler said, sounding suspicious.
"Yeah, but that was years ago. And real hospitals are different! Please?"
Chandler smiled softly.
"Of course I'll be there."
Despite Joey's insecurity about hospitals, he had gotten an MRI scan a couple of days later. Chandler had stood by his side, and when all the fuss was over, middle-aged doctor Robert Johnson had lead them to his office five floors down. In the elevator, Chandler had sensed a tension that he was not exactly fond of. The doctor had asked them a couple of questions while looking at the numbers which indicated the floors, counting down. The questions had seemed random, maybe covering up something bad that would happen, and Johnson had looked a bit uncomfortable.
When at the office, Chandler had fumbled with his fingers, as he and Joey had sat down in front of the doctor, gazing at him with deep interest.
And that was when it all happened. Johnson started talking about things that Chandler – and Joey, apparently – didn't understand completely. The doctor made an effort to explain, teach and showing pictures. The word tumor had been involved, and Chandler had been sitting there frozen, though shaking. He had been looking between Joey and the doctor. Joey had seemed somewhat calm considered that he had just been doomed to many weeks of treatment.
They had been informed that telling anything about further progress would be almost impossible. They were practically throwing Joey into this without knowing much. It had made Chandler sick to his stomach not knowing, whether Joey would come out of this one way or another.
One thing was sure, though; he would stay by Joey's side through this entire thing. He would never even consider abandoning him.
Chandler and Joey greeted their friends, when they walked into Monica's apartment that Friday. They greeted them back.
"Oh, Joey, how was your first treatment?" Rachel came up to him.
Joey shrugged.
"Pretty good, I guess."
After a brief talk with Joey explaining how the chemo had taken place with all the needles and fluids, the two guys moved to the living room, Joey sitting down in the armchair and Chandler on the couch next to Ross, who was watching some documentary on the TV.
"Hey, Ross, what's on?" Joey studied the screen closely.
"It's about dinosa –"
"Not again!" Chandler sighed.
"Oh, come on!" Ross burst out. "Go watch TV at your own place, then."
"Ross," Monica said from the kitchen, "why do you even watch TV here? You and Rachel have your own place."
Ross looked guilty in his own characteristic way.
"You got all the channels," he murmured. He didn't realize that Rachel was smiling behind him.
All of a sudden, in this peaceful moment, Joey's face seemed to turn pale, and he started to look uncomfortable.
"You okay, Joe?" Chandler asked from the couch.
"Excuse me." Joey got up from his seat quickly, clutching his stomach, and went for the bathroom, where he closed the door behind him. Chandler followed quickly, stopping at the door.
"Joe?" he called, knocking a couple of times. "Are you alright?"
He listened closely, and he just managed to catch the sound of someone being sick. He winced and looked worriedly at Ross, who was paying close attention.
"Common side effect," Ross nodded with a sad look in his eyes.
Having been longing for some relaxation and privacy, Joey stepped into the shower and let out a tired though releasing sigh, as he felt the hot water pouring down his face. Even though he had hoped to forget and relax his mind for a while, he couldn't stop thinking of what was to come.
This was just the beginning of everything; his chemo treatments had started one month ago. He knew that he would find himself counting every single treatment. It was like a calendar to him – a number of times he would go through pain and horrible side effects before he could be declared cured.
And then he and Chandler could go on with their lives and not worry, not to mention those eyes – those eyes that met him every time he saw their friends. Everything was about the fucking cancer in his brain, and he hated it. And even if they didn't speak of it for some time, he could see how they exchanged sad looks of pity.
He felt slightly nauseous, when he switched off the water, drew the curtain and reached for a towel.
When in front of the mirror, he studied himself and forced his eyes open in attempt to shake off his tired look. He ran a hand through his hair.
Something was not right.
He looked into the palm of said hand and realized that the chemo had now started to affect his hair. A considerably large amount of hair stuck to his damp fingers.
Joey's heart sank, and he placed two shaky hands on the edge of the sink and bent his head over. Once again he was so close to start crying, feeling how the tears threatened to burst forward. He snapped his head up to look in the mirror again. His lower lip quivered softly. And a pair of tears finally slid down his cheeks.
"Are you sure you want this?"
"What are you waiting for? You said you would do it!"
"But... It's your hair!"
Joey tugged on the towel around his neck and shoulders.
"It's gonna come off at some point," he said, smiling sadly.
"But Joe," Ross said from across the room, sitting in one of the armchairs and watching Chandler and Joey, "why don't you just... let nature do its work instead?"
"Because I might as well face what's coming," Joey spoke quietly. "At least if it happens now, I don't have to wait and, by the way, fear the day where there's no hair left on my head."
Chandler held the hair trimmer a bit hesitatingly, picturing how Joey would look bald. He let the fingers of his other hand run softly and ever so gently through Joey's black hair.
"It's so soft."
"Hey!" Joey snapped his head away, turning to look up at Chandler from the chair he was sitting on. "Stop bonding with my hair and get it over with, huh?"
A small smile formed on Ross' face.
"Dude," he said to Chandler, "if you won't do it, I will."
"See?" Joey gestured towards Ross. "That's a friend."
"It's just weird!" Probably overreacting, Chandler pulled a frustrated face.
"Do it!" Ross and Joey shouted at the same time "Do it, do it, do it, do it..."
After pushing the button on the machine in his hand, Chandler held it close to the back of Joey's head and in a fast motion created a short, yet scalp-showing, track.
Surprised, Ross covered his mouth with a gasp. Joey looked stunned. After a little while, he spoke though.
"Keep going."
And Chandler did so. Somehow, all three of them managed to laugh through the process. Ross watched with amazement how the hair on Joey's head was reduced stroke by stroke with the trimmer. Chandler kept pulling these disgusted, though amused, faces. Joey, for a moment, felt pretty good.
When Chandler had finished, and all that was left on Joey's head was tiny dark stubbles, he shut off the hair trimmer and studied his work for a moment.
"I'm done," he said.
There was silence.
"Okay," Joey then said, trying to sound cheerful, "let's have a look." He slowly reached for the mirror on the kitchen counter and held it in front of his face. Well, he had imagined it to be quite a change but he was actually a little taken back. With his other hand he touched his scalp, scratching it softly.
No-one said anything, until Joey finally did so.
"This was a bad idea."
"Yep," Chandler agreed, nodding his head.
"We shouldn't have done this."
"Nope."
One night Chandler woke up to moaning and stirring coming from the other side of the bed, and after calling out Joey's name and turning on some light, he found his boyfriend in so much pain that Chandler for a brief moment was almost certain that he had a seizure. Joey twisted uncontrollably under the sheets, panting and groaning like one in torture. And Chandler could only offer some soothing words and water and painkillers, and he let Joey's head rest on his chest, after he had wiped the sweat off his face and neck.
Chandler kept comforting his boyfriend, until Joey's fatigue sobs faded away and his breath started settling into a sleepy rhythm.
Startled by the passed event, Chandler was left awake with an empty feeling. His blood had been pumping so fast that he had thought his veins would have exploded. Now, he felt completely exhausted. He was just – for now – happy that Joey was fast asleep once again and hopefully not in any more pain.
"I made a complete fool out of myself today," Rachel said to the other friends, when she entered Monica's apartment.
"What happened?" Monica turned to her in the kitchen, drying off a bowel with a dishcloth. The others paid attention as well, hanging around the room.
"Well," she said and dropped her bag on the floor, "there's this really cute guy at work. His name's Rick, he's new in the department and he's so much fun and very handsome. Anyway, today, awkward as it was, I found myself complimenting him –"
"What?" Ross said, coming a little close from behind her.
"Ross," Rachel said a little angrily, "before you get all jealous, you should really hear me out."
Ross looked slightly offended, as he folded his arms and mumbled:
"I'm not... jealous."
"Anyway," Rachel pointed out, turning towards the others in the kitchen, "I think he was getting the wrong idea because then it happened. Bang –" she smacked her hands together "- the guy is gay. He literally confessed in front of me, it was so embarrassing!"
Chandler and Joey giggled by the table. Rachel looked between them.
"Excuse me?" she said, her hands on her hips.
"Sorry," Joey said, looking at her guiltily, though with a smile on his face. "I just can't believe you couldn't tell he was gay."
"Have you even seen him?" Rachel asked.
"All gay guys," Chandler defended, "have something that makes them visually gay, that's just a fact."
"Noooo... Really?" Rachel thought a lot about it.
"Definitely," Joey agreed. "Like, does he seem to wear make-up of any kind?"
"Not that I can see."
"Over-use of hair products?" Chandler asked.
"Well, he does use a lot of gel –"
"Yep, gay." Joey nodded, Chandler too.
"What?" Phoebe burst out. "What's wrong with guys caring a little about how they look?"
"Nothing!" Joey said. "All guys do that, in case you didn't know."
"But," Phoebe stumbled, "what about Ross? He used to..." She held her breath, when she saw Ross' piercing eyes looking at her.
"I didn't use that much!" he shouted.
"Oh please, Ross," Monica said, "you turned hair with gel into gel with hair!"
Joey and Chandler grinned at each other.
"Thanks a lot, Phoebs," Ross mocked sarcastically.
Monica was about to sit down next to Chandler, when Joey got up from his seat.
"I'm gonna call it a night. 'You coming?" Joey asked, looking at Chandler. The others' attention was drawn to the two guys.
"In a little while, Joe," Chandler answered and smiled softly at his boyfriend.
Joey didn't hesitate for many seconds, as he gave the others a good night and left the apartment.
Almost instantly, Ross sat down where Joey had been sitting next to Chandler by the table.
"How is he?" he asked gently. "When I ask him, he's not much up for a deep conversation."
"I don't know," Chandler sighed, facing the tabletop briefly before looking back up again. "I guess he's fine, considered his situation."
"You think he's making progress?" Monica asked. "Not that I know much about cancer, but... Shouldn't there be signs that the treatments are working?"
"The cancer statistics are so different and unpredictable," Chandler shook his head. "I don't actually know how or when he'll feel any better. Yesterday, he passed out again."
"No..." Ross looked chocked.
"We were just talking and suddenly, he was down." Talking about this made Chandler very uncomfortable, but it was somehow a relief to get it off his chest. "I knew this could happen, I had prepared myself for it, and I couldn't do anything. I just stood by and called his name over and over again. And after a few minutes, he was back with me."
"That's horrible," Phoebe said, coming forward and placing two comforting hands on Chandler's shoulders.
Chandler hid his face in his hands.
"I feel so useless."
"No, Chandler," Monica pleaded, "don't say that. Joey is so lucky to have you by his side all this time. It's amazing how patient and understanding you seem to be."
"I try." Chandler looked at her. "Sometimes, I don't know how to handle him. I don't know what to do to make him comfortable. The only thing I can do is watching, as he gets worse. The good days are fewer and fewer. He's acting so moody all the time, smiling one minute and hating me the next minute, and it's so hard..." His voice faded and ended out as a whisper.
"We'll always be here for you," Rachel said behind Monica, "for both of you."
Suddenly finding himself shaking, Chandler folded his fingers and tried once again to hide how sad and exhausted he really was.