I looked over at the hallway as I heard the front door close, and footsteps approaching. Phil must be home. I closed my laptop and walked towards the sound. I turned a corner and saw him, 'He's too handsome to ever love me.', "Hi.". He looked over at me, "Hey, Bear.", he said, in a voice that made my heart melt. I looked at the ground. 'Never.', I thought, 'He'll never really be mine, he hates me.'. He dropped his bags and walked over to me, placing his hands to my cheeks and kissing me gently. 'Never.', I thought as I kissed back weakly. He pulled away, "I love you.", he said, smile sad as I knew he could tell I was feeling down. 'He's lying, he's always lying.', "I love you too.". His smile widened a little and he pecked me on the lips before turning back around to get the groceries he'd brought in. He handed me a few bags and I took them to the kitchen, my "lover" following behind.
I set the groceries on the counter and Phil did the same. "So… What have you been up to while I was gone?", Phil asked, leaning on the counter. 'He doesn't give a shit, he just hates awkward silence.', I uncomfortably leaned on the counter as well and faced him but I couldn't make eye contact, "Just watching youtube and stuff.", I replied quietly. I could see Phil bite his lip in my peripheral vision, "Dan, please look at me.". I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath, 'Now he's angry, look what you did, you dumb fuck.'. I tried to hold back tears as I opened my eyes and looked up at him, his beautiful blue eyes exhibiting concern and caring. 'He's just acting.'. "Dan… What's wrong?", he asked, his blue eyes filling with tears. 'Look, now he's crying, you're an awful boyfriend.'. I looked away and choked a "Nothing.", like so many times before and started walking towards my bedroom, abandoning any prospect of dinner, just like I had been every day for weeks. I was concerningly skinnier now, and some days I didn't eat breakfast or lunch either. I didn't think I was overweight, well sometimes… but that's not the point. I just hadn't been interested in eating. I've convinced myself that I don't deserve to eat, that I don't even deserve to live. Honestly, kind comments on our youtube videos and on social media are the only reason I'm still alive. I can't imagine what it'd be like for all our subscribers if I died, if I killed myself for god's sake, that'd just be too much. And Phil… beautiful Phil… I know he doesn't care, but he would hate to see them upset. But tonight… tonight that didn't matter.
I walked into my bedroom and opened the bottom drawer of my dresser, pulling out a gun. I took a couple steps away from the dresser and sat on my bed, holding the gun up to the side of my head. I looked towards my open bedroom door, 'I know he'll hear it.'. Suddenly, Phil could be seen in my doorway, one hand on the doorframe, frozen, staring at the gun in my hands. It was his chance to say something but he didn't, he couldn't. "Never.", I whispered as I pulled the trigger.