A/N: I got the idea for this from a chain email and couldn't not do it. There will be a companion piece following this one with Sara's version. Touch and Go is making real progress. I will be posting the revised version of what's done so far in a little while.
-Secrets Revealed-
"Grissom, man, I freaking out." Nick paced the small space in front of Grissom's desk, while he merely smiled.
"You'll be fine Nick. Carly is a fantastic person and you will make a great husband to her."
Nick was getting married in two days and by all accounts was 'losing it.' Grissom couldn't help but laugh. He remembered when he was in Nick's shoes.
"That's it! That's all you can say to me?! Come on! Griss, you've been married to Sara for three years now and your both always happy. There's got to be some insider information on not screwing up!" Nick sighed dramatically and sat down in one of the guest chairs.
"Well, there is the list."
"The list?! What's that?"
"Well, it's a list passed on from one married man to the next." Grissom vaguely replied.
"What?! Who gave this 'list' to you?"
"Al Robbins…and look at how long he's been married."
Nick nodded in agreement, they had been married a long time.
"Okay, so hit me up. Enlighten me. Work your magic. Do your guru…make me ready to be a husband."
"Nick, did you ever have that girlfriend? The first one that made you realize where you had screwed up royally?
"I guess."
"Well, I was in the ninth grade when I learned that vital lesson about love. My girlfriend Barbara, my first love, was incredible. She was cute, frighteningly smart and armed with a seemingly endless supply of form-fitting angora sweaters."
"So not too far off from Sara?" Nick teased, receiving an affirmative shrug in response.
"Let's just say that I was well aware of my good fortune."
Nick laughed.
"Then one day, as we're standing in line at the movie theatre, Margaret Simone, most popular girl in school, strolled by. Suddenly Barbara turns to me and says, "Were you looking at her Gil? Do you think she's pretty?'"
"Uh oh. Kiss of death."
"Exactly. My mind reeled. Of course I had been looking at her. Of course she was pretty. I mean, come on this was Margaret Simone. I paused, trying to think of the best thing to say, when I decided it would be best to just play it straight and say, 'well, yeah.'"
"Bye Bye Barbara." Nick chortled.
"The next day out breakup hit the lunchroom." Grissom sighed at the memory. Yup, high school sucked after that.
"Ouch."
"You see Nick, there comes a time in every man's life when he discovers the value of hiding the grosser parts of his nature. He starts reciting the sweet nothings women long to hear: 'No, honey, I play golf for the exercise.' and 'No, honey, I think you're a great driver.' and 'No, honey, I wasn't looking at that coed washing the car in the rain.' We're not lying, exactly. We're just making things...easier."
Nick chuckled, finding this life lesson to be quite amusing so far.
"So, what is this list exactly?"
"The Eleven 'Don't-Tell-The-Wife' Secrets all Husbands Keep."
"You're kidding."
"Nope. Now do you want to know them or not?"
"Yeah, I gotta hear this."
"Okay well, secret #1: It's okay to look. Men fall in lust about ten times a day, Nick, but as long as you don't act on it, you're okay. Women are insecure about themselves. They're afraid that if you're looking at another woman, it means you want to leave them. We don't, but they don't understand that. For men, looking at other women is a radar that we can't turn off. So just don't get caught. And if you do, make something up. No, you weren't checking her out, you were admiring her bracelet and thinking how beautiful it would look on your beautiful wife." Grissom rattled off, remembering when he had sat in the morgue listening to Doc Robbins tell him what he was now telling Nick.
"Look but don't touch. Got it. And if caught, lie." Nick reiterated as they both laughed.
"Okay, secret #2: You're allowed to play golf to get away from her. Did you know that more than 21 million American men play at least one round of golf a year; of those, an astounding 75 percent regularly shoot worse than 90 strokes a round? In other words, they suck."
"I can honestly say that I did not know that. Although it doesn't surprise me that you do."
"The point is, 'going golfing' isn't about playing golf. It's about getting away from your wife, the kids, the house…all of it. I mean, come on, I for one do not play golf because I find it relaxing and enjoyable. Half the time, by the fourth hole I wish I was back at home being nagged by Sara about how I forgot to put the trash out again. But you have to do it, to reload and get away for a while. But you certainly don't tell them that. You just tell them that you thoroughly enjoy the sport, but don't go more often because you just love being home with her."
"Does it have to be golf?"
"No…golf, bowling…picking up road kill…whatever you do, it's just about getting away."
"Okay, so golf is okay, telling the wife the reason behind it is not."
"Very good Nicky. Now, secret #3: We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after you make one to her. This one is a tough one, so let's start with this. Do you love Carly with your life?"
"Absolutely."
"And you think she's the most incredible girl right?"
"Yes."
"Good. And most of the time you will be absolutely thrilled that you've made that lifelong vow of fidelity to her in front of your families, friends and that expensive videographer, but let's face it. You didn't spend your formative years thinking, 'Gosh, I just can't wait to settle down with a nice girl so we can grow old together.'"
"Uh, no…"
"Of course not, instead you were obsessed with how many women who resembled Britney Spears you could sleep with before you turned thirty. Take it from me, generally, it takes several years, or decades, to perish that thought."
"So being absolutely intimidated by the idea that she's the last girl I'll be with is an okay thing?"
"Sure is."
"Okay, you know I think that I like these secrets of your Griss."
"Well, they're not exactly mine. They've been passed down for ages my boy."
"Well, oh wise one, please continue."
"Okay. Secret #4: Earning money makes us feel important."
"Well, yeah. Money makes any man feel important."
"You're right. But were you aware that in more than 7.4 million U.S. marriages, the wife earns more than the husband?"
"Again, no. And again, not surprised that you do."
"It's almost double the number since 1981. This of course is a terrific development for women in the workplace and warmly embraced by all American men, right? Well, that's what we tell them. But we're shallow, competitive egomaniacs. Women don't understand why it gets under our skin if our woman's bringing home more bacon than we are, or in my case tofu bacon. Sara and I have been married for three years, and now with her as supervisor of Swing, I still check our pay stubs weekly to see how much more I make. And with how determined she is, she just keeps gaining on me. But I can't tell her that. Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of her and her accomplishments, and I know they make her happy, which makes me happy."
"But…"
"But that just makes it worse. Because on the surface you have to encourage her success because you love and respect her, but just hidden from view, you're struggling to remain one step ahead of her."
"So…By society standards and because I love Carly, I need to support her as she climbs the corporate ladder, but at the same time, to maintain my ego, I need to be doing everything in my power to make sure that I'm still the bread winner of the house?"
"That about sums it up."
"Okay, I get it."
"Moving on then. Secret #5: Never let it slip that you actually enjoy fixing things around the house. Few charades are as beloved by men as this one. To hear us talk, the Bataan Death March beats grouting that bathroom shower, but it's a shameless lie. In truth, it's rewarding to tinker with and fix something that, without us, would remain broken forever. Plus, we get to use tools."
"That is true. Makes us feel important. So why not tell the wife?"
"Because most women don't differentiate between taking out the trash and fixing that broken hinge; to them, both are tasks we need to get done over the weekend, preferably during the baseball or football game. But we want the use-your-hands, think-about-the-steps-in-the-process, home-repair opportunity, not the repetitive, no-possibility-of-a-compliment, mind-dulling, purely physical task. And then there's the added bonus…"
"Added bonus?"
"What does Carly do when you take out the trash?"
"Uh, she makes some comment about how I finally remembered without being told."
"Sara says the same thing. But when you fix something around the house that they couldn't or wouldn't do, and grumble about what a pain in the ass it is, they become a different person and you find your self being seduced right there on that tile floor."
"Ah, the sex bonus. I got it. So, if I ever want to be rewarded for things I don't even mind doing, act as if it's the worst thing ever and never let on otherwise?"
"Right again Nicky."
"Next. Secret #6: This one is simple. Men love being mothered. It's just a natural. So when your wife mothers you, it's only right that you will enjoy it. Just don't ever let it slip that you are terrified that they will become their mother. For me, this one doesn't really apply, but it does for you. I met Carly's mother at the rehearsal dinner."
Nick laughed and shook his head. That woman truly was something else.
"We like it when you mother us, but we're terrified that you'll become your mother. Got it."
"Secret #7: Every year you will love her more. You see, Nick, we look like adults. We own a few suits. We can probably order wine without giggling. But although we resemble our father when he was our age, we still feel like that 4-year-old clutching his pant leg. With that much room left on our emotional-growth charts, we've only begun to admire our wives in the ways we will when we're older. But, you can't explain this to her. Many men have tried and many men have failed. Because when you open your mouth, your foot instantly goes in and what you're trying to say would probably come out sounding like you don't love her now."
Nick laughed, they may not be married yet, but he'd already come across the foot in mouth scenario several times with Carly.
"It took at least a year that we were together before I really started to appreciate Sara for something other than just great sex; and I didn't discover her mind out side of work fully until the first year we were married." Nick was a bit taken back by Grissom's confession. Never in a million years did he think he'd be listening to Grissom talk about his sex wife with Sara. "But the older and wiser I get, the more I love Sara. The for-richer-or-poorer, for-better-or-worse aspects of marriage don't hit you right away. It's only during those rare times when we take stock of our life that it starts to sink in." Grissom smiled wistfully as he snuck a glance at the photo of Sara he kept on his desk.
"So, acknowledge that I'll love her more with age, but never try to explain that to her."
"Yup. You're doing very well."
"Secret #8: You will never understand what she is talking about." Nick snickered. "You will come to find that during the day, women will sometimes think about certain deep, complex 'issues' in your relationship. Then when you get home, they want to "discuss" these issues with you. You will be required to nod during these 'discussions' and say things like 'Sure, I understand,' 'That makes perfect sense' and 'I'll do better next time.' Well Nicky, we never understand. It doesn't make any sense to us at all. And although we'd like to do better next time, we could only do so if, in fact, we had an idea of what they were talking about.
We care and would like to fix the problem, but again, women just aren't aware that the part of our brain that processes this stuff is where we store sports trivia."
"I've come across that one a couple times already." Nick cringed at the memory. It was true, he was listening but the information was coming in like a foreign language. The female language.
"I think this next ones goes for every man that has driven with Sara, I just get the luck of the draw and get to deal with it all the time. Secret #9: We are terrified when our wives drive."
"Yes, that is true about Sara."
"The easiest way for a woman to reduce her big, tough guy to a quivering mess is for her to ask for the car keys. Easy as that. I am terrified when Sara drives. Every time I get into the car with her, I accept the fact that I could die at any moment." Nick's snorting made him pause. "Honestly Nick, Sara has one 'car-panic' story a week. And it's never her fault. All these bad things just keep happening to her. It must just be her bad luck. But no matter how afraid you are of becoming her real life crash test dummy, you can never tell her, or you will never hear the end of it."
"I take it you made that mistake?"
"Once, before we were together. Riding to a crime scene, I made a comment about how if she didn't slow down she was going to create a new scene."
"Dog house."
"Let's just say that in that regards I'm glad we don't work side by side that often anymore."
"Understandably."
"Okay, only two left. Secret #10: We'll always wish we were 25 again. Granted, when I was 25 I was working 16-hour days and eating shrimp-flavored Ramen noodles six times a week. But, as much as we love our lives now with our wives, we will always look back fondly on the malnourished freedom of our misguided youth. At 25 you can get away with things you just can't get away with at 40, or 50. While it doesn't mean we're leaving them to join a rock band, it does explain why we occasionally come home from WalMart with a leather steering-wheel cover and a Born to Run CD. You just have to be sure to make her understand that though you loved your past, you look forward to your future more."
"Reminiscing good, joining rock-band bad. Okay. And last but not least?"
"Okay Nicky, Secret #11: When she gives you an inch, give her a lifetime. I was on my sabbatical in Massachusetts, when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. Sure, this was months before I got around to popping the question. But that was when I knew.
Why? Because she'd let me go on vacation alone. Hell, she made me go. This is the most important thing: If she let's you be a dumb guy, if she embraces your stupid poker night, if she encourages you to go do something you love -- by yourself -- your silly little heart, with its manly warts and all, you will embrace her forever for it." Again, Grissom couldn't help but take a look at Sara's picture. "And that's the truth."
"You know, Grissom, I think I'm reading to get married."
"Good. I'm glad to hear it. Just remember, when some eager soul comes to you panicking because he's about to get married, sit him down and explain to him the secrets of what a husband is all about."
"I will. Thanks Griss."
"No problem." Nick left the office with a newfound energy, and an little bounce to his step.
Grissom sat there for a few minutes, smiling himself. Their conversation had made him very anxious to see his own wife. Picking up the phone, he quickly dialed her number.
"Hey honey…I just wanted to see if I could take you out after I get out of work?...No occasion. I just want to take my beautiful wife out…I'll see you when I get home…I love you, too."
With his own bounce in his step, Grissom decided that today was a day that he was leaving early. He had something better to do.