(A/N: I've been wanting to write this one-shot since, like, forever. But I wanted it to be perfect! As I said in my summary, OOC Harry, but I thought I'd mention it again…if you're one of those people who hate really OOC characters, you might not like this. Harry is very out of character. Slight OOC Voldy as well. And brief OOC Lucius. Featuring humorous add-ins by my little brother Ryan! Thanks bud! Enjoy.)

My Challenge, If You Choose To Accept It: try and read this fanfic without laughing once. Double dog dare, you can't refuse.

Harry walked through the forest under the Invisibility Cloak, his parents floating airily beside him. Smiling, he studied the Resurrection Stone in his hand. Wonderful little thing, very useful.

"So I'm going to die, right?" he asked his mom for the millionth time.

Lily sighed. "Yes, darling, you're going to die."

"Don't worry son, it doesn't hurt," James added reassuringly.

"Oh, I'm not worried," Harry replied cheerily. "I'm just making sure I don't mess it up or anything."

"I don't think you can mess up dying, Harry," Lupin voiced doubtfully.

Harry's eyes lit up at his words. "So I can make it fun then?" he asked eagerly.

The four ghost-like figures glanced at each other. "I guess…" Lily started.

Harry beamed. "Awesome! There are so many things I've always wanted to tell Voldy, but never got the chance…"

Sirius chuckled, eyes sparkling. "You are definitely my godson," he said fondly. "What kind of things?"

"Oh, you'll see…" Harry muttered mischievously, taking on a devious expression completed with an almost scary maniacal smile.

Lily glanced at her son worriedly and opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off as Harry reached the clearing where the Dark Lord lay waiting.

"Well, guess it's time to die," Harry announced, sighing. "See you in a couple minutes, Mom, Dad. Don't worry 'bout me, I'm only committing suicide. Buh bye!"

Before any of the ghost-like apparitions of his loved-ones could reply, Harry had taken the Resurrection Stone and chucked it into the forest without a second glance.

"Well, that's done," he murmured to himself, glancing at his checklist. "Let's see…"

Talk to Parents

Give self up

Tell Voldy all the things you've always wanted to tell him!

Die! X/

Smiling, Harry checked off task number one. Then he tucked away the list, closing his eyes and taking a big breath. He cycled through all the things he wanted to say just once more, before opening them again and sauntering into the clearing shoulders back, whistling the Andy Griffith theme.

The Death Eaters all gasped in shock at the sight of him, and Harry kindly shot his adoring fans an award-winning smile in response.

Then he turned to face Voldemort.

"'Ello, Tommy Boy!" he greeted, executing a perfect Irish heel click in salutations. "Here I am! Kill me!" He spread his arms wide, smiling big.

Voldemort simply stared at him, stunned. Frowning, he raised his wand, pointing it square at the boy in front of him. "Avada Ked - "

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Harry interjected suddenly, rudely interrupting Voldemort's curse. "On second thought, I don't think I'm ready to die yet. There are some things I want to say first." Clearing his throat, he straightened his posture, pushing his glasses farther up his nose.

"First things first," he began formally. "I want to thank all my adoring Death Eater fans for supporting me the whole seventeen years of my life, and so devotedly trying to kill me. I really do appreciate your kindness." He smiled at Voldemort's stunned followers, throwing a wink at Bellatrix, who look appalled.

Voldemort simply stared. "What kind of trickery is this?" he spat.

"Oh, it's no trickery, Tom Cat," Harry said sincerely. "I just figured, since I'm going to die and all, I might as well get all my thoughts out in the open. It certainly feels good to get them off my scarred forehead, let me tell you."

Voldemort opened his mouth to retort, but found himself unable to say anything, mouth flapping uselessly.

"Snake got your tongue?" Harry questioned, putting on a look of sympathy and sparing Nagina a glance. "Awww, poor little Moldy Shorts. He can't speak."

Voldemort's eyes flashed red at this. "My name is Voldemort!" he roared.

"Whatever you say, Voldy-kins." Harry quipped, yawning nonchalantly.

Voldemort's eyes blazed, and he raised his wand again. "Avada - "

"OOOO!" Harry exclaimed, running up to Voldemort and staring with wide eyes at the wand in his hand. "Is that the E Wand? It's sooo PERDY! Can I touch it?"

Voldemort gawked at Harry, his jaw drooping. "What is wrong with you Potter?" he whispered.

"Wrong?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow. "Nothing's wrong! Actually, I feel great!" He grinned at Voldemort, eyes alight with mad enjoyment. "In fact, I'm better than great! I'm going to die!"

And with that, he started humming a mad tune, dancing around garishly and looking absurdly like Luna Lovegood.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters simply watched, dumbfounded.

Finally, Harry stopped his dance, sitting down Indian style on the ground and staring up at Voldemort like an absurd puppy. He cocked his head, studying the dark wizard curiously.

"Y'know," he said finally, "You really need to grow some hair."

Suppressed giggles met his words from the Death Eaters as Voldemort looked like he was about to explode. "EXCUSE ME?"

"You need to grow some hair," Harry repeated, unfazed by Voldemort's murderous gaze. "Maybe those amazing hair-growth formulas like you see in all those TV commercials? That might give you a little something, or at least something better than that bald white head. Ooo, even better! Get a wig like Snape's! He had the best hair ever! Is that why you killed him, Tommy? Were you jealous of his hair? Be honest."

Voldemort looked like he was going to rip Harry limb from limb. His usually white face was starting to turn a deep purple.

But still Harry remained undaunted. He stroked his chin thoughtfully as he studied Voldemort again. "Never mind about the hair growth thing," he decided, waving it off as Voldemort opened his mouth to kill him again. "I think all you need is a good Justin Bieber wig. Don't you think? Then you can do the hair flip! Chicks dig the hair flip. And no offense Voldy, but the bald head and white skin isn't much of a chick magnet."

Avery let out a small giggle at this. Furious, Voldemort killed him with a flick of his wand. "I'm going to kill you," he growled at Harry.

"Oh, I know," Harry agreed, shrugging. "But can you hold off for just a little longer? I still have some more stuff to say."

"Like what?" Voldemort asked sarcastically. "That I smell?"

Harry thought about this. "You know, I hadn't thought about that one," he admitted. "But yeah, now that you mention it, you do kind of smell like cabbage. Kinda like Mrs. Figg's house. All you need is a cat, and you can totally pull her off."

Voldemort's hands curled into fists, almost snapping the Elder Wand in his rage. "WHY YOU LITTLE - "

"Hang on just a moment there, Tomster," Harry interjected, looking down at the lit-up screen of the iPhone in his hand. "I just need to send a Tweet real quick. Let's see… 'Am about 2 die. Making fun of Voldy. LOL. Goodbye, cruel world.'"

He hit send, and then looked up, grinning. "Sorry about that. You were saying?"

Voldemort's eyelid was twitching now, his hands shaking. "I'M GOING TO - "

"You're going to what?" Harry interrupted, cocking his head again. "Rip my heart out and eat it? Never saw you as much of a cannibal, V-dog."

"I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!" Voldemort screamed. "AVADA KED -"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, not yet," Harry cut in yet again, resorting to hand gestures this time. "I'm not finished! I haven't even gotten to the rest of your fabulous appearance! I mean, what is with that nose? It's like, two slits! Did you get plastic surgery or somethin'? Is that it? And don't get me started on the pasty white skin, creepy eyes, and abnormally long fingers. I mean, really. If you're going to go through all that trouble to get yourself a new body, why didn't you make it at least a little handsome? I know you were going for scary, but really, all you had to do was turn yourself into Gilderoy Lockhart. If you'd done that, it would have been sooo much easier to kill me. All you would have had to do is smile and say 'Harry, Harry, Harry' like he does, and I would drop down dead on the spot. There. No problem."

Voldemort was speechless. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before.

"No comment?" Harry asked, rocking back and forth on his heels. "Wise choice, V."

This snapped Voldemort back to reality. "You done?" he hissed.

Harry nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"Good." Voldemort said. "Ava - "

"Wait, wait, never mind," Harry interrupted again.

Voldemort slapped himself, rubbing his temple tiredly. "You've got to be kidding me…" He murmured. "What could you possible do now?"

"Oh, nothing much," Harry assured him. "It's just, it just hit me that I'm going to die. And at such an early age. I mean, I'm only seventeen. There is so much I want to do in life! Like... like get a job! Grow a handlebar mustache! And…and get married! Now I won't be able to do any of that! So…so I want to speed it up, you know, do all those things in the little time I have left."

Getting up, Harry started to dig in his pocket. Voldemort tensed, thinking he was going to pull out his wand. But the only thing he brought out was a small blue twist tie.

Quickly, Harry fashioned it into a makeshift hoop that more resembled an oval. Then, before Voldemort could say anything, he'd rushed up to a horrified Bellatrix and got down on one knee.

"Bella," he whispered. "Oh, my ugly repulsive Bella. We have so little time left together. I don't care if you are already married. I don't care if you are too old for me and are an evil, deranged Death Eater who wants me dead. Will you marry me?" He held up the blue twist tie, eyes closed and lips puckered.

Behind them, Lucius Malfoy leaned into Narcissa. "He went to Jared," he breathed, holding back a laugh.

Disgusted, Bellatrix let out an enraged huff, kicking Harry squarely in the chest. Smiling, Harry rolled back into the dirt.

"It is okay, my dear Trixy," he proclaimed romantically, his voice taking on a Shakespearean quality. "I will still love you, even when I am dead and you are stomping all over my grave and laughing maniacally. For you see… love's bonds can never be broken, even by your ugliness."

Bellatrix eyes flashed menacingly as she started to stomp her way towards Harry. "I'm going to wipe that sorry little smirk off your little face so fast - "

"No, Bellatrix," Voldemort stopped her, staring at Harry with pure hatred and loathing. "I will take care of it."

Smiling, Harry got up from the ground, dusting himself off methodically. "Finally gonna kill me?" he asked.

Voldemort's murderous expression was answer enough.

"All right then, Tom," Harry said, sighing. He gave a shrug. "I'll let you kill me now. I just want to do one thing."

"And what is that?" Voldemort asked through gritted teeth.

Harry grinned. "It's just, well, you've been trying to kill me every since I was one year old… but I've never actually touched you. Can I touch you?"

Voldemort almost fell over in shock. "Can you what?"

"Touch you," Harry repeated. "Can I touch you? Dying man's wish?"

"Wha - no! NO, YOU MAY NOT—"

Too late. Harry had already vaulted forward, poking Voldemort gleefully in the stomach and causing him to recoil.

"Hee, hee!" Harry giggled. "You're all squishy! Need to spend some time in the gym, Fattymort!"

"THAT IS IT!" Voldemort roared, stalking up to Harry and sticking the end of the Elder Wand firmly against his forehead.

"Ooo, are you finally going to do it? All right, let me strike a pose." Ceremoniously, Harry struck a flawless Hannah Montana pose, one hand on his hip, the other on his head, tussling his mess of black hair. Smirking, he batted his eyelashes at Voldemort.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort screeched, and in a flash of brilliant green light, Harry fell, smiling, to the ground.

And that was the end of the famous Harry Potter.