Want to give this fanfiction writing a shot. So, replies, reviews, suggestions would help. This is a series of AU and post Destiny one-shots with the Gundam Seed and Destiny cast, Shinn Asuka-centric.

AU - alternative universe

post[.....] - after the series

I don't own Gundam Seed or Gundam Seed Destiny.

I'm Not An Angel, I'm Human

( Ten months after 2nd Bloody Valentine War, Not A.U.)

When he first entered the cockpit of his first mobile suit, Shinn Asuka was in awe and determined to become the greatest pilot Z.A.F.T. for the sake of his deceased family. The thought of them made him wonder how they'd view him today. Would they be proud regardless of the misdirection he took in the Second Bloody Valentine War? Kira always told him that everyone made mistakes, and through his viewpoint, it'd seem like he was making the right decision. Still, the Destiny pilot felt he was naive the year prior since the war ended. In his mind, he believed he didn't deserve it, but his heart told him otherwise. With every moment he piloted a mobile suit afterward, he felt their spirits guided him to make the right decisions to protect the innocent and do what he can for his fellow man, coordinator or natural.

However, today was different - his heart stilled, time slowed down, his body began to shake and shiver, his senses started to numb, and memories of the war constantly plagued his mind. In a brief moment, he'd release the controls and clutched his chest with his right hand. His helmet fogged up from the heavy breathing he began exhaling. With his eyes closing tightly, it appeared that he was trying to hide from a demon. It was a personal demon he believed he wouldn't have to face for a while, until Kira had a briefing with himself and other high ranking officials in Z.A.F.T. that another war was looming. That made his heart stop.

"Shinn..."

"Why now..." he thought as he held back his tears.

"Shinn... please answer..."

"It's just been a year... hell, only ten months. I can't even get a damn year!"

"Shinn... baby, please talk to me, I'm here with you..."

Lunamaria's voice echoed through the speakers as Shinn hesitantly opened a channel between her and him. He didn't want her to see him ready to burst in tears like a baby. He was her man, and had to be strong like one, but there was only so much he could bottle up before he'd fall to pieces.

"I-I-I'm here..."

"Why don't you stand down this time? You don't have to keep doing this to yourself. Even heroes need a break. Just tell him you can't launch. He'll know why..."

"Yeah, but they won't." Shinn gripped the controls?

"No, they'll unders..."

"NO, THEY WON'T!" he screamed at the moment as several mechanics outside the Destiny stopped what they were doing as if they heard a noise. Eventually they shrugged it off. "You don't get the looks, Luna. They expect something out of me because... because... I was supposed to be their hero, the champion of Z.A.F.T. who lead us to freedom. The one who would end the war, not prolong it. Now every time I walk around here, they say I'm a black sheep; if we ever got into a war, I'd be the one who'd mislead us into the wrong path and make things worse rather than better."

"So what! We're all on the same side, and if anything to stupid enough to try to stop, yeah, good luck to them. What's really on your mind?" Luna pierced through that excuse in hopes he'd open up to her.

Shinn thought about it for a while. In ten minutes they'd be launching in battle, one that could sign the start of war. "I can't..." his hands shook at the controls, "... do this again. I don't think I have it in me again to go out there and face them."

"Shinn, we'll be there to help you, trust me..."

"It's not the enemy, Luna, it's the everyone else. Everyone who looks at me like I'll do good and stop the enemy from doing any harm to them, to the kids who believe I'm this angel come to protect them from the dangers of war, from allies who expect me to take down armies and behemoth mobile suits without having a scratch... from my mom, dad, and... Mayu, who look down on me everyday and it makes me wonder if I'll ever make up for the shame I had put upon them from my mistakes before. Nothing I'll do will ever make people forget what I done in the past. I don't know if I can handle another war. I'm... I'm done."

Lunamaria was silent. In five minutes they were about to launch and she didn't know what to say. To tell her boyfriend he had PTS and give him a solution to his problem wasn't going to happen in five minutes. All she could do was get him through this one moment, to remind him he wasn't alone.

"Babe, get ready. Two minutes to launch."

His hands held the controls with so much fear in them. They were still unsteady and shaky. Lunamaria wasn't much help in the matter, but he couldn't blame her for trying. It was his problem to deal with. Unfortunately, nothing was going to be accomplished in that moment as the hangar bar began to open. A terrified Shinn Asuka watched as depths of outer space was in front of his view and his girlfriend of over a year prepared to jettison to battle.

"Shinn... I can't say much to get you through this battle, but please... fight this, you have to, just for this last time, cause if you don't you'll die. Live... that's you need to do this moment, we'll face whatever is ahead later... face the fear and live!" The raven haired pilot watched as his magenta-haired girlfriend launched in his old Impulse.

Whenever Shinn entered a mobile suit, it wasn't with the determination he had started with. It's not filled with hope that'll make a positive difference in another's life. It wasn't intended raise a gun or unsheathe a beam saber towards a hostile threat. The very tool meant to defend those he swore to protect and destroy those that threatened them was killing him slowly, and after surviving a war and several battles afterward, it seemed that this devastating battle meant more than start of another war, but the last stand for Shinn Asuka's heart and soul. It could not take a beating any longer. No matter what amends were made and no matter how talented he was, Shinn was done and defeated.

As the Destiny was being setup for launch, Shinn could only swallow down the painful memories and doubts in the hope that his problems would go away and he'd lead Z.A.F.T. in a successful battle. With the battlefield hastily approaching, a new fear grew in his heart: the fear of what happens AFTER the battle.