Disclaimer: I do not own Snow White. I don't know which came first, the story or the Disney film, but either way, Disney should be ashamed of themselves for making her such a sugary little sweetie. This is my version ....
(By the way, I am also in no way affiliated with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sleeping Beauty, or ANY FORM OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE.)
Are you sitting comfortably? Actually it doesn't matter, I'm going
to begin anyway.
SNOW WHITE
Once upon a time, there was a land in which lived good fairies, who wanted to bring peace, happiness and general flowers; and bad fairies, who wanted to bring disorder, illness and general backache, particularly to the Royal family. Naturally, when the King and Queen, Reginald and Regina White, held a christening for their baby daughter, they made sure that only good fairies were invited.
After the girl had been christened 'Snow' (having been born on the coldest day on record for 17 years), and the post-christening drinks bash was beginning to die down, all the fairies approached the cradle to present their gifts to the new princess.
"I bring her beauty," simpered Sussanna the Sugary.
"I bring her health," announced Pristeena the Perfect.
"I bring her intelligence," proclaimed Gloria the Goody-Two-Shoes.
This went on for quite some time, until Clarinda the Callous, a bad fairy who had gatecrashed the party and gotten completely smashed on tequila, approached the cradle.
"You lot make me want to throw up, you know that?" she shrieked. "I was never blessed with beauty or brains, and look at me now, more powerful than any of you. My proclamation is this: the child that you see before you shall grow up to become the most feared and evil woman in the kingdom! Ha, ha, ha!"
With that, Clarinda the Callous passed out, and all the good fairies made excuses and left abruptly.
Two and a half years after the christening, the King and Queen divorced amid a flurry of media interest - the like of which was only repeated nine months later, when the King remarried to a young woman whom everyone else could tell was extremely dodgy. The three year old Snow White eyed her new stepmother cautiously as she entered the palace for the first time. She was dressed all in black, and had long black hair, green eyes, a black cat and a servant named Giles. She gave her small stepdaughter a cold look as she entered the throne room, and made herself comfortable on the Queen's purple velvet throne.
"Forx, my dear," the King smiled, looking at her as if in a trance, "This evening I'm supposed to be unveiling a statue of myself. Will you accompany me?"
"What a pity it's started to rain," Forx stated. She clicked her fingers, and sure enough a full-on thunderstorm began raging outside. "You'll just have to stay here and tell me how beautiful I am."
It was then that Snow White, her intelligence shining through even then, began to suspect that her stepmother might be up to something.
That night, Forx went up to her opulent palace bedroom and began to unpack her things. One of the last things to come out of her bag was a brass-framed oval mirror. The new queen smiled as she hung it up. This mirror was forever telling her how evil she was, and she loved it.
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the evillest of them all?"
"You are," the mirror replied. "No question. I don't know how you've managed to pull it off, but who else would have the nerve to bewitch the King and make him fall in love with them?"
Forx gave a smug smile, and went to sleep satisfied.
The years passed. True to the words of the good fairies, Snow White grew up pretty, healthy and very sharp witted. However, true to the words of Clarinda the Callous, she also rather spoiled it by growing into an utterly nasty piece of work, with no feelings for anyone but herself. And, true to the words of no-one in particular, she and Forx grew to resent each other bitterly.
Snow White's sixteenth birthday was really what clinched it. The princess hauled herself out of bed at about eleven in the morning, rubbed her eyes, ran a hand through her jet black hair, and leaned over to her desk. She forced open the secret compartment, and fiddled about inside, pushing aside black magic amulets and poison bottles.
"Damn it - I'm out of crack."
Instead, she rolled up a spliff, and went out into the palace gardens to smoke it.
Snow White was sitting on the edge of the stone fountain, minding her own business, when the King approached.
"Happy birthday, love ... do you want to come inside for your presents?"
Snow White blew cannabis smoke nonchalantly into her father's face, and said nothing.
"Listen, Snowie,'" the King said sternly, "I'm beginning to worry about you. You sulk around all the time, you don't seem to like anyone at all, least of all your stepmother ... and I'm not sure about these substances you're taking, are you sure they're on prescription?"
"Get out of my face, Dad," Snow White yawned. "Okay, I'll come, but if you've got me another Barbie doll then I'll tell you where to shove it."
The King followed nervously as his daughter flounced into the throne room and flopped down in her seat. Forx handed over a parcel, and the princess opened it.
"What!" she exclaimed. "This skirt went out of fashion last season! Bitch!"
"Snowie ..."
"I'm going," Snow White announced.
"Yeah, give us all a break," Forx muttered.
Fortunately for her, Snow White had already stormed out. The princess ran all along the third floor corridor, not looking where she was going and ultimately colliding with a servant.
"Watch where you're *going*!" Snow White shrieked, making a mental note to put strychnine in the servant's cup of coffee. *Every* servant's cup of coffee. She was sick of the lot of them. She ran up to her room to count her strychnine bottles. She had nothing better to do that day, as she wasn't having a party due to a lack of friends. She was planning to steal some of her Dad's vodka later and get paralytic, just to mark the occasion, but it wasn't really the same.
That night, as every night, Forx looked into her magic mirror and spoke the words:
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the evillest of them all?"
The mirror hesitated before replying, " ....Actually, I think it might be Snow White."
"What?!!" Forx cried, lifting a heavy paperweight and making to smash the mirror.
"Seven years' bad luck!" the mirror squealed.
Forx put down the paperweight.
"Hear me out," the mirror went on. "I know you're very evil, so please don't feel too upset, but the thing is, the princess is getting just as good at black magic as you are, and on top of that, she's a druggie, she's stockpiling strychnine, and she's also a kind of obsessive bitch-queen who deliberately splits people up from their boyfriends and girlfriends just for the thrill of it ... beat that!"
"S..strychnine?" Forx stammered.
"Oh yes, she's been poisoning people's drinks and water tanks since she was eight. Of course she gets away with it, because she's the princess."
"Well!" Forx exclaimed. "Thinks she's more evil, does she? I'll show her two can play at that game! The girl must die! Giles!"
"Yes, milady?" Giles faltered.
"Lure Snow White into the woods and stab her, will you? And after that, pop down to the market and get me a tub of jellied frogs' eyes, there's a dear."
The next day, Giles approached Snow White with all his fingers crossed in his pockets, as he was rather afraid of her.
"Umm ... Your Highness?"
Snow White, who had gotten completely stoned last night and now had a thumping headache, replied dazedly, "Huh?"
"I..I've found some magic mushrooms in the woods, and I understand that you 'do' that sort of thing. Do you want to come and have a look?"
Snow White was unsure. "All right ... but you'd better not try anything funny."
When they were in the middle of the woods, Giles got out his knife. "Okay ... I guess I'm going to kill you now."
"What have I ever done to you?" Snow White snapped indignantly.
"Actually, I'm acting on Forx's orders. So, here goes ..."
Giles had reckoned without Snow White's skills in Kung Fu. She beat and kicked him, until he fled, bruised and bleeding, back to the palace.
Snow White wandered on through the forest, slightly lost, until she heard the noise of something or someone approaching, and she ducked behind a tree.
Into the clearing came seven red and green monsters with horns and pointy tails. *Orcs*, thought Snow White. *How strange ... I normally only see those when I'm on an LSD trip*.
Suddenly, one of the seven orcs spotted her. It pointed her out to the others, and they approached her. "Hello," one said.
"Sod off!"
"We are the seven orcs, Scary, Spooky, Dotty, Sappy, Flaky, Sickly and Crazy, and we've come to kidnap you. You are to be our personal slave."
"I thought I told you to bugger off!"
"You said sod off."
"Same difference. Go away!"
Snow White attempted to fight them off, but her Kung Fu skills were no match for the orcs, who got her in a many-armed headlock and dragged her off to their little cottage deep in the heart of the woods.
That night, Forx asked the mirror once more who was the most evil in the land, and the reply came, "You are." Satisfied that Snow White was dead, the evil queen was happy again.
After a week of serving the seven orcs, Snow White was slipping into a state of serious depression. "Can't I go home now?" she sobbed as she mopped the floor of the wooded cottage. "I don't think I've ever gone this long without heroin."
"Try whistling while you work," Spooky suggested.
"I can't whistle," Snow White sniffed. "In any case, I don't feel like it."
Sappy came into the room. "When you've done that, do the dishes," he barked.
Meanwhile, back at the palace, Forx was once again standing in front of her enchanted mirror, which, for the last week, had informed her that there was no match for her evil powers.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the evillest of them all?"
"Still you," the mirror replied.
"Are you sure?" Forx grinned.
"Yup," the mirror said. "After all, Snow White hasn't had much chance to practice her evil deeds, now that she's trapped in the seven orcs' house in the woods ..."
"WHAT???!!! SHE"S STILL ALIVE??!!!
"Oops," said the mirror in a small voice.
"If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself, haven't you?" Forx muttered. She hurried down to the palace kitchens, and returned a minute later with her arms full of apples. Only one of the apples was red, and into this, Forx injected cyanide. She then began to think of a cunning disguise ...
As Snow White was repairing the orcs' Hi-fi that Saturday, there was a rapping at the cottage door.
"Answer it, slave," Scary ordered from his bed.
Snow White opened the door. There stood an elderly lady with a basket containing seventeen organic green apples and one large, waxed-looking red one.
"I've come sellin' me wares," she croaked.
"It's a saleswoman," Snow White called to the orcs.
"Tell her we don't want anything."
"I don't think we need any apples today, thanks. Now bugger off."
"That's a fine way to speak to yer elders, young lady!"
"Hang on ... I think I recognise you," Snow White said suddenly. "Are you off the TV?"
"Err..." the woman hesitated, racking her brains for a suitable programme. "Yes, I'm in 'Buffy the Vampire's Lair."
Snow White narrowed her eyes ... which, a moment later, lit up in recognition.
"Forx!" she exclaimed. "Hey, are you still trying to kill me?"
"No, no, dear, of course not," Forx insisted, removing her shawl and wig. "In fact, I thought we could make amends. As an apology for trying to have you stabbed, why don't you take this big red apple?"
"Actually, if it's all the same to you, can I have a green one?" Snow White asked. "I've never liked red apples."
"But that's not what you're supposed to say!" Forx exclaimed. "You're supposed to eat the red apple and-" Forx stopped suddenly, having said too much.
Snow White raised an eyebrow. "You haven't, by any chance, *done* anything to that apple, have you, Forx?"
"Of course not!" Forx insisted.
"Why don't you eat it, then?"
"I''m ... I'm not feeling very hungry ..."
"Oh, apples don't fill you up very much," Snow White said coldly. "Go on, eat it."
"I ..."
"Eat it!"
Very reluctantly, Forx took a bite of the apple and instantly dropped down dead.
"I thought as much," Snow White said casually. "The work of an amateur ... I *never* get caught."
Just then, for some obscure reason, a handsome prince came riding by. He took one look at the beautiful Snow White, and gasped, "I love you!"
"How come?" Snow White demanded. "You don't know me, you've never even met me! You don't even know my name! For all you know, I could be a sixteen-year-old junkie and serial poisoner!"
"True," the prince agreed. "Well, I'll be off then..."
"Hang on a sec," Snow White said, "can I borrow that?"
"Oh, sure."
"Thanks."
Snow White took the prince's heavy sword, and proceeded to chop each of the seven orcs into seven pieces. It gave her a sense of poetic justice.
Afterwards, the prince returned to his kingdom, Forx was cremated, and the King died of grief. As for Snow White, she lived happily ever after on her father's legacy, until she died an early death as a result of her drug habits.
Being that Giles was the only one in the story left alive, he became
the king.
THE END
I hope you liked my story! I'm hoping to do some more fairy tale parodies, so please tell me in your review if you have any suggestions.
See you,
Rug