I was watching the newest House episode, and wondered, what if it had been preventable? What if Kutner was stopped just in time before his suicide? Because frankly, you know about 95 percent of House fans love Kutner and were sad to see him die suddenly. So, this oneshot will hopefully help us Kutner Fans get the REAL ending we truly deserve.
"Why is our rainbow coalition missing Brown and Bi?" House asked curiously as he took off his coat. Taub, who was situated at one end of the table, answered for him.
"Thirteen's with the patient and Kutner's dog is sick. He should be in by lunch," Taub said. House looked at him for a minute. Something deep down told him that something was wrong. And of course, House's gut was never wrong. He had to go with it.
"Taub, go to Kutner's place, get him here ASAP. Or better yet, what about you Foreman?" House suggested as he walked to the coffee machine.
"Why do you care House? Kutner should be in by noon," Foreman asked curiously, putting down the file of their latest patient. House shrugged.
"Something seems off about his excuse. It seems he wants to avoid us somehow, maybe trying to not come into work today because he's too lazy, and annoyed at Taub for taking his fabulous diagnostic idea last time," House commented, causing Taub to glare.
"Can we just get back to the medicine? I'm sure Kutner's fine and telling the truth," Taub asked, annoyed, though House saw some hesitation and doubt.
"I'm sure he is, but I don't want him to miss such an interesting case. So somebody, just go and get Kutner, alright?" House said, annoyed. The door opened to find Thirteen walking in.
"Bad news, the patient wants to be released to get home to her husband- have you guys even discussed the case yet?" Thirteen asked, spotting House's file closed on the desk. House shook his head.
"Nope, I'm trying to convince Taub over here to go check on Kutner," House replied casually. Thirteen frowned.
"Why? He said he would be in by lunch," Thirteen questioned. House sighed as he picked up the file.
"Because I need my whole team in to discuss differentials, and such," House replied, annoyed. Thirteen sighed.
"I'll go," she volunteered. Foreman raised his eyebrows as the brunette grabbed her coat. House eyes her suspiciously.
"No, you stay here. Taub, you go," House ordered. Taub stood up, confused, as Thirteen slowly put her coat back.
"Wait, why me?" Taub asked. House rolled his eyes.
"Because you're his friend, and you're also really annoying me today. Now go," House said roughly before opening the file and reading through it. Taub glared at House once more before grabbing his coat and walking out.
"Ok, so what have we got?" House's voice carried as Taub walked toward the elevators. He wasn't particularly surprised that House didn't want him there, but he was sure Kutner was fine. He just needed time to heal his dog and stuff. Then again, Taub thought, he never heard Kutner mention his dog in months. It was oddly suspicious. But what could he be hiding?
Taub sighed as he got in the elevator. Once the doors closed, he got out his cellphone. He could just call and tell Kutner to come in. It wouldn't waste much time.
Dialing his friend's number, he listened to it ring once, twice, three times before it went to voicemail.
Hey, it's Lawrence Kutner. I'm obviously not here right now, so leave a message and I'll get back to you. BEEEEEEP
Well, that was odd, Taub decided as he slipped his phone back in his pocket as he walked to his car. Kutner always answered his phone. Then again, he could be in grief for his dog, but still, maybe House had a bad feeling. House was, unfortunately, 99 percent right most of the time.
Taub felt a pang of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He got annoyed at House for being a jerk about this, but maybe it was House's way of saying, something is wrong, I have a bad feeling today about something. Go check on Kutner. Taub didn't even have to listen to House. Maybe he felt the same thing House did the bad feeling at the pit of his stomach, behind the guilt.
Taub drove to Kutner's place as quickly as he could. Kutner was alright, he was happy and fine. He was just sleeping, that was all, Taub told himself carefully. He believed in it. After all, he talked to Kutner only an hour ago. He was fine, he sounded fine on the phone. A little miserable and depressed maybe, but he was fine, sounding like the same old Kutner.
"Chris Taub," Taub answered his phone formally as he entered the hospital. There was a crackling on the phone before Lawrence Kutner talked.
"Hey Chris," he said. He sounded a little tired and beaten down, not a huge trace of cheery Kutner in his voice. Taub frowned as he pressed the up button.
"Hey Kutner, are you ok? You sound a little weird," Taub commented. There was a pause before Kutner answered.
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my dog is sick. I woke up this morning and he was laying on the floor, all pale and stuff. So I'm staying at home this morning to take care of him," Kutner answered. Again, there was an off tone in his voice. Taub kept it to himself, thinking nothing of it.
"Yeah, that's fine. What do I tell House though?" he asked. There was a longer pause, shuffling on Kutner's end before he answered.
"Just tell him that I'll be in by lunch for sure," Kutner answered. Taub faintly heard warning bells going in the back of his mind, but he pushed it aside.
"Sure. I hope your dog feels better," Taub answered as he walked down the hall as soon as the elevator doors opened.
"Uh, thanks Chris. You're a great friend," Kutner said. Taub rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. See you in a few hours," Taub said. There was another pause.
"Yeah, ok. See you later. Bye Chris," Kutner said.
"Bye," Taub said before the line went dead. Taub shrugged as he reached House's office, shutting his phone and putting it back into his pocket, spotting Foreman and Thirteen pooling over the files. Taub sat on a chair and flipped open the file.
"Where's Kutner?" Foreman asked curiously, glancing at the time.
"He's going to be late. His dog is sick," Taub answered, distracted as he read the file.
That did sound odd, now that Taub thought about it. For the first time ever, Kutner didn't sound overly cheery or happy. In fact, he sounded awful. Taub thought it could just because of his sick dog.
Why else would Kutner sound depressed? He was happy yesterday, making jokes. Yes, he was a little bit distant, but Kutner had always been a little odd some days. He was happy, he was participating in clinic duty, and he was talking normally to people.
Taub sighed as he reached Kutner's apartment. He entered the building and jogged up the stairs to his friend's apartment. Taub got ready to knock, but then he stopped. He sighed as he reached for the door handle, twisting it. Of course it was locked. Taub sighed as he quickly found the spare key on top of the door. He opened the door. It had sort of an eerie silence. He shut the door.
He heard something from Kutner's bedroom. He came to Kutner's house only a few times, just hanging out as friends, but it always felt homey. Taub sighed as he walked into the familiar apartment more before he spotted a very shocked Kutner, standing in his bedroom, looking at him. What shocked Taub even more was that he was holding a gun to his head.
"Kutner?" he asked, shocked. Kutner looked like he was trying to form the words, but he just couldn't. Taub took a cautious step toward his friend, the memory of his old friend's attempted suicide forming in his mind. No way, Lawrence Kutner, happy go lucky Kutner, the optimistic thirty three year old, could not be holding a gun to his head, as if going to kill himself.
"What are you doing?" Taub asked, taking another step. He knew he couldn't do anything drastic. Kutner could pull the trigger at any given moment. But it was Kutner, Taub thought frantically. He wouldn't possibly pull the trigger. He was too happy for that. But was he really happy? After all, Kutner had a gun to his head right now. Something was wrong with Kutner, and Taub was afraid to know what.
Kutner kept his gaze on Taub, but held the gun to his head still, afraid to move. Taub looked like he wanted to say something else, but kept his mouth shut, his mouth dry. Taub felt panicked, he never witnessed the friend actually trying to commit suicide, not like this. This time was scarier, especially seeing the gun right in front of him, directed at Kutner's head.
It felt like hours Taub stood, watching Kutner, unsure of what he would do, when really, it was only a minute. Finally, Kutner spoke.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore," he said quietly. Taub paused, letting the words sink in. It could possibly be the last words he could hear from Kutner, if he pulled the trigger.
"Do what anymore? Kutner- Lawrence, talk to me. Put the gun down, please, and we can talk about this," Taub begged his friend. Kutner shook his head slowly.
"I can't," he told him. Taub took another hesitant step, but stopped when Kutner tensed.
"Lawrence, just stop and think about this. Do you really want this? Do you really want to go this way right now?" Taub asked softly. Kutner paused, thinking about this. He then shrugged.
"I really don't know," Kutner admitted. Taub sighed.
"Please, Lawrence, we'll talk about this, figure out the problem. I want to help you, I want to know why you're suddenly acting this way. Just set the gun down on the floor," Taub practically begged. Kutner paused, thinking heavily.
"Remember what I said, Lawrence, to you a few months ago? About suicide? How it isn't the way to go? It never is. There's always a way to help, and dying is not the choice. Come on Lawrence, this isn't the way to go," Taub tried. Kutner sighed hesitantly as Taub noticed his hand inching downward. He smiled slightly.
"There we go Lawrence, it's going to be fine. Set the gun down carefully now, slowly. I'm sure you want to die another way, maybe of old age, or of an accidental death. Don't kill yourself Lawrence, please. I'm begging you," Taub said, keeping his voice as calm as he could. Kutner frowned, pausing.
"Why do you care?" Kutner asked slowly. Taub shrugged.
"Because you're my friend," he said simply. Kutner paused, taking that into heart. Taub did mean it. He might have not always acknowledged it, but he was Kutner's friend, and he was happy about it.
Finally, Taub let out a breath of relief as Kutner bent down and put the gun on the floor, standing straight up. Taub took the last few strides and made it to Kutner, who sat on his bed, shaking. Taub sat beside him, kicking the gun away as he did.
"What's wrong? Why did you do this?" Taub asked gently. Kutner sighed.
"I don't know. I just haven't felt happy for a while now," Kutner started. Taub sighed as he wrapped his arm around Kutner's shoulder casually.
"What do you mean? You've always been happy at work, and even when we hung out," Taub coaxed.
"I've been miserable ever since my parents died. I've always felt like a part of me was missing. I've been hiding it for years now, convincing even myself that I'm happy. It's worked for ten years already. I've been happy, successful and nice to everyone. I've grown as a person, and I'm happy for my changes, especially since I started working for House," Kutner said.
"What's changed Lawrence? Why are you so miserable now?" Taub asked. Kutner sighed deeply, trying to get ahold of himself.
"I don't know. I started feeling miserable again for two months now, and it's getting worse. I've hidden it from everyone because I've learned to deal with it in public. But inside, I feel-broken, awful, and just plain depressed. I've tried to deny it for a while, but every since that cat incident, I felt like death was calling to me," Kutner said.
"You've acted so normal, I didn't think anything of you being depressed. Why didn't you tell any of us?" Taub asked. Kutner sighed again as he looked down.
"I didn't want you to worry about me. I had been doing so well, and then I started feeling depressed again. I didn't want you guys to know. I didn't want to admit it myself. I wanted to try to act like myself, but in truth, it's not working anymore," Kutner admitted. Taub squeezed Kutner's shoulders.
"We could have gotten you help. Like House has, like many other people. You shouldn't be ashamed of needing help to be happy. You're a great guy, Lawrence Kutner, and you deserve to be happy. You're an excellent doctor, a great colleague and an even better friend. You're the best out of all of us, well, almost as great as House. Why give that all up to stop being depressed?" Taub asked. Kutner looked up, as he let the tears flow. Taub for the next few minutes comforted Kutner. He wasn't good at it, he didn't say anything. All he did was sit with Kutner as he let the emotions flow.
Finally, Kutner managed to get under control.
"Thanks Chris, you're a great friend too. I do want to get help," Kutner admitted. Taub smiled slightly. He was so happy Kutner was willing to get help. Taub would help him through this, as would his adoptive parents. He would make sure of it.
"That's great," Taub said before he heard his phone go off. He checked the caller ID. House, as usual. Taub rolled his eyes as he ignored the call, putting his phone back in his pocket.
"House?" Kutner asked, smiling a little bit, sounding amused. Taub nodded.
"He's the one that sent me here. I guess he had a feeling something would happen. Do you want to go to the hospital? Maybe we can get you checked out for any, well, um, problems," Taub said, inwardly wincing at what he said. Kutner, however, looked calm.
"Yeah, I would like that. I might as well see if I truly am mentally depressed, if it's genetic and meant to be, or if it can be cured or something," Kutner said. Taub smiled as he stood up, helping his friend too.
"We'll see what happens. But you know, you have to be willing to do this, to help yourself be happier. It may have worked in the past, but now, you have to be willing to go to psychiatrists and take medication if needed," Taub warned him as he led him out of the apartment. Kutner nodded slowly.
"I really am. I know it will be hard, especially since right now, I want to go back into my apartment and-well, you know," Kutner said, trailing off. Taub smiled as he brought his friend to the elevator.
"Well, from now on, you're staying at my place. Just until you're happier and not willing to kill yourself of course. And you know once you go back, anything in your apartment that you can try to kill yourself with will be taken away, alright?" Taub asked him. Kutner nodded slowly.
"Of course. I almost made a stupid mistake Chris, and I want to fix it," Kutner said.
The ride back to the hospital wasn't silent in the least. Taub kept asking Kutner questions, and trying to cheer him up. Kutner managed to smile and have a good time, Taub reminding him not to fake being happy unless he truly did feel happiness, even if it was just a little bit. Kutner was happy though, talking really helped him.
"Maybe talking is like therapy to you. The more you talk about things, especially your issues, the better it makes you feel," Taub remarked as he pulled into the hospital parking lot. Kutner nodded.
"Maybe. What do we tell Cuddy and House?" he asked curiously. Taub shrugged as he parked, opening his door.
"We have to tell them the truth. They'll find out eventually, and this way, there are no secrets," Taub said. Kutner looked at the hospital, unprepared for this.
"Come on," Taub coaxed Kutner as the two walked into the hospital together.
Ok, so for now, it's remaining a oneshot, unless you guys ask for one more chapter, which then I'll do the reactions of everyone (House, Foreman, Cuddy, Thirteen, even Cameron and Chase) when they find out about Kutner's almost suicide. But only if you guys really want to.