That's right! It's a Series of Unfortunate Events x Death Note crossover! No, WallofIllusion has not gone insane. (She's been that way all along.) But this occurred to me randomly. I'm sending the Baudelaires to Wammy's House! Yay for Wammy's House.
SoUE spoilers: few to none. Will take place between books six and seven
(Ersatz Elevator and Vile Village.) One thing from book nine will be
briefly mentioned, but don't worry about that, you can't figure out
anything major from it.
DN spoilers: existence spoilers for characters/organizations from
page.61 and page.83. Will take place before the series, in early 2003.
Warnings: None in particular. Oh, but Light's not in this at all. Just thought I'd make that clear before we begin.
Disclaimer: I don't own either series.
Nearly everyone enjoys a good mystery story. I myself, when I am not in any immediate danger or particularly confusing situation, love to curl up with a good mystery and read about people who are in such situations, for the pure satisfaction of reading as the good guy outwits the bad guy and puts him safely into a federal penitentiary, which is simply a fancy word for "prison."
But I am sorry to say that while this fanfiction contains many mysteries, it does not bear the satisfying ending that would make it at all appealing. If you opened this fanfiction in the hope of finding the type of mystery story that contains an attractive and charming detective and ends with the criminal being driven away in a police car and condemned to a life in prison, I beg you to exit this window of your internet browser at once and head over to the Nancy Drew section of this site. There you will find the more traditional mystery story, in which a criminal commits an easily-definable crime, is pursued by the hero or heroine for most of the story, and is finally captured and punished for his sins.
Unfortunately for the Baudelaires, the hero and heroines of our story, their lives had not been that clear-cut since the horrible fire that killed both of their parents and destroyed their home. The mysteries in their lives were too many to count and incredibly difficult to define, even with the latest copy of Webster's Third New International Dictionary, Unabridged in hand, and furthermore, they seemed unsolvable. No one in the world seemed to be able to answer their many questions, such as "Where are our friends the Quagmires?" or "What is VFD?" or "How does the terrible villain Count Olaf, who wants to murder us and steal our fortune, manage to pursue us wherever we go?" or even simply "Why are our lives so miserable?" At the beginning of our story, the only mystery in the Baudelaires' lives to which they had any sort of answer was, "How long will we be staying with our latest guardian?"
"Now I assure you that this is merely a temporary arrangement," Mr. Poe told the Baudelaires, turning to face them from the front seat of his car. "I'm having a little difficulty securing a new guardian for you children, and the—" Here Mr. Poe broke off into a fit of coughing. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny simply waited for him to stop, having learned long ago that Mr. Poe always had a cough and often interrupted his sentences to hack into his white handkerchief.
Finally Mr. Poe wiped his face with said handkerchief and continued, "The Wammy's House orphanage has kindly offered to house you until I can find a suitable guardian. I would have let you stay at my own home, of course, but ever since my promotion to Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs, I've been quite busy, so this is really the most convenient option for the time being."
"Uboj," Sunny muttered from Violet's lap. Sunny was the youngest Baudelaire and still a baby, so she often spoke in phrases difficult for anyone but her siblings to understand. By "uboj," she meant something along the lines of "Good, because we didn't really enjoy staying at your house anyway," and it was probably a very good thing that only Violet and Klaus understood her. Sunny also had four sharp teeth, and she loved to use them to bite hard things, such as the apple she was enjoying at that moment.
"Is it a good orphanage?" Klaus asked, pushing his round glasses up his nose. Klaus was the middle Baudelaire, and he looked very bookish. This was just as well, because he was very bookish; by the time he was eight he had read books that most adults struggle with, and now that he was twelve, he could read any book on any subject that caught his fancy. His concern over the orphanage, too, resulted from his reading. Though he knew that most orphanages are not the horrible, child-abusing places they are made out to be in storybooks, he had also read enough to realize that under-funded institutions often housed malnourished, unhealthy children because they could afford to do no better.
However, after another bout of coughing, Mr. Poe was quick to reply, "It is indeed a good orphanage. It was founded by a man named Quillsh Wammy, a world-renowned inventor who uses the money earned from his patents to set up orphanages around the globe. As the one in England, where you'll be staying, was his first, it is undoubtedly also the finest."
"Quillsh Wammy? Really?" Violet asked, her eyes sparkling with eagerness. At fourteen, she was the eldest Baudelaire, and as a superb inventor herself, she had heard of Quillsh Wammy and greatly admired him. The thought that she might meet him excited her, and she pulled a hair ribbon out of her pocket to tie her hair back so she could better think of an invention to impress him with.
"Indeed," Mr. Poe replied. "From what I've heard, there are some unusual aspects about the orphanage, but… Ah, here we are."
He stopped the car, and Violet, Klaus, and Sunny looked at the building in front of them. It was a graceful brick building, almost church-like in its design, an impression that was reinforced by the cross decorating the top. A tall, black fence surrounded it, and a small plaque on the fence read The Wammy's House.
"Now, I must be going, children," Mr. Poe told them. "I have important matters to attend to, not the least of which is finding your friends the Quagmires, so I'll just drop you off here. Ask for a man named… Roger, I believe. Good luck, and I hope to find you a guardian soon."
Klaus held back a sigh. "Yes, Mr. Poe." The three siblings filed out of Mr. Poe's car, and, with a light wave, he drove off, coughing again.
"…Hena?" Sunny asked quietly.
"I don't know what's unusual about it, Sunny," Violet replied. "We'll just have to find out for ourselves."
With that, she pushed the small buzzer by the plaque on the fence. After a moment, a crisp voice said, "State your business, please."
"We're the Baudelaires," Klaus said into the speaker. "We've just arrived, and we were told to ask for a man named Roger…"
"Of course!" The voice through the speaker sounded delighted. "That's me. Come right in; I'll be at the door in a moment."
The black gates swung open, and the three Baudelaires stepped inside and started across the slightly ragged lawn. In a moment, the door of the brick building opened. Standing in the doorway was a friendly-looking old man with a slightly stooped posture. "Hello, Baudelaires," he greeted as they drew near. "Welcome to the Wammy's House."
"Ankyuu," Sunny said, and Violet was quick to expand.
"Thank you for taking us in," she told Roger. "Things have been very confusing for us for a while, and it's very kind of you to offer us a place to stay."
Roger smiled and stooped further in a little bow. "It's our pleasure," he assured the three of them. "If you'll come to my study, there are just a few items of business to take care of before you join the other children."
His study was a dignified, well-lit room, with a large bookshelf behind his desk. The only chair in the room was located behind the desk as well, so Violet and Klaus were left to stand, Violet balancing Sunny on her hip.
"First of all," Roger said, speaking through his hands, which he'd folded in front of his face, "life at Wammy's House follows a daily schedule. Breakfast is at eight; classes begin at eight-thirty and continue until one-thirty. Violet and Klaus, you will be in the same class, so naturally Sunny may stay with you as well. Lunch is then served; after lunch and lasting until two forty-five is free recreation. From two forty-five until supper, you should engage in individual studies. Please note that this time is for applying yourself to disciplines of your own tastes, rather than for completing any out-of-class assignments the teachers may assign. You may avail yourselves of our library, which contains books on virtually every subject. Supper is served at eight-thirty and the time between supper and lights-out at eleven is again recreational time, or, if you prefer, time to work on out-of-class assignments. How does that sound?"
"That will be fine," Violet said politely, and Klaus and Sunny nodded.
"Good. Then that brings us to the most important matter. This may seem a little strange, but here at Wammy's House, no one uses their real names. In fact, Roger isn't even my real name. Everyone is given a fake name and uses only that name while at the Wammy's House. Though your stay will be temporary, I must ask you three to follow the same rules. For the duration of your stay, your names will be Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi. Will that be all right?"
The three Baudelaires simply stared; Sunny gave a little whimper.
"…Why does everyone need a fake name?" Klaus asked finally.
"There are various reasons," Roger answered. "In your case, it will perhaps make that Count Olaf's task of finding you more difficult. Furthermore, and most importantly, it's something of a tradition here, and we see no reason to break with tradition."
The phrase "to break with tradition" does not mean that someone is hitting an object with tradition until the object falls into pieces; rather, it means to change the way one has done something for a long time. Now, the Baudelaires knew that it is often ridiculous and occasionally problematic to continue to do something simply because it has been done for a long time, and this particular tradition seemed so strange that it seemed to break their hopes of a normal existence for a little while. But other than that, the Wammy's House seemed like a fine place, so Violet smiled wanly at Roger and said, "I see… That will take some getting used to, but we'll manage."
Roger answered with a warm smile of his own. "Thank you for understanding, children. It's strange for everyone at first, but it will soon be natural to you. Do you have any questions?"
"Olaf?" Sunny asked.
"Yes," Klaus added quickly, "You mentioned Count Olaf. How much do you know about him, and are you taking any particular precautions against him?"
Roger nodded. "Mr. Poe told me quite a bit about that evil man, and I've encouraged the other orphans to keep an eye out for him, but is there any specific information you three would like to share with me?"
The Baudelaires looked at each other. Mr. Poe had doubtless mentioned Count Olaf's eye-shaped tattoo on his left ankle and his unibrow, but maybe he hadn't thought to tell Roger about Olaf's shiny eyes, or about all the threats he had made on their lives, or how terrified the Baudelaires were of him. These were somehow difficult to explain, though, so after a moment Violet simply said, "He constantly disguises himself, so we should be on the lookout for anyone suspicious."
"Of course." Roger stood and came out from behind his desk. "Vanessa, Kristian, and Sammi, shall I show you three around?"
Reviews are greatly appreciated!