Flying Nun Barney Miller Crosser

by RA'AY'MOND

Sister Bertrille ‘drops-into’ the 12th Precinct.

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to either Barney Miller or The Flying Nun. Nor will I make any profit from this work of fiction.

Ten things that never happened on Barney Miller.

By: Ra'Ay'Mond.

3-The Flying Nun.

Sister Bertrille 'drops-into' the 12th Precinct.

Sister Bertrille casts a wide eyed, nervous glance over her left shoulder. The sight of the empty jail cell, along with the chanting from the crowd outside of the 12th Precinct causes her to involuntarily make the Stations of the Cross. After doing this she anxiously turns back toward the police captain with the graying hair that is talking to her and the Reverend Mother Plaseato. She timidly points at the jail cell while asking him, "Um, excuse me Captain. Is that where I'll be spending the night, or will you be taking me to another jail?"

Upon hearing this Barney takes a deep breath and puts on his best 'listen to me I'm trying to help you' face. He then opens his hands, pleadingly and replies, "Once again, Sister Bertrille, you and the other sisters are not under arrest. You have merely been…brought here for your own protection."

At this point Reverend Mother Plaseato closes her eyes and touches her index finger to her temple as she asks, "Excuse me Captain Formentto..." She opens her eyes at her error and says, "I apologize. She removes her finger from her temple and regains her rock solid composure as she says, "Captain Miller, with all due respect, as nuns of the Convent San Tanco, we may be somewhat… isolated from the out-side world. However, we are not totally ignorant of it! And I know for a fact that if you do not intend to charge us with a crime, you have no right to hold us here!" The last part of that sentence was delivered so forcefully, Barney has the feeling that she is going to keep him late after school, and make him write, 'I will never, ever, ever arrest another nun.' on the black board one hundred times before letting him go home.

Barney begins to reply, then he suddenly stops short, moves a little closer to the Reverend Mother and asks her, "By the way, who is Captain Formentto?"

The Reverend Mother momentarily breaks eye contact while unsuccessfully hiding a grin as she answers, "Captain Gasper Formentto… is the local law enforcement officer in the area of Puerto Rico where our convent is located. Your…overzealousness in this matter reminded me of him."

The other sisters, including Sister Bertrille cover their mouths with their hands while shyly giggling at the Reverend Mother's comparison of Captain Miller to their over ambitious, accident prone friend and local constable.

At this point Detective Harris steps forward and says, "Excuse me Reverend Mother, Captain Miller is correct about you and the sisters being safer in here than out there."

Barney than nods his head slowly while listening to his detective. Even though they have had their share of…disagreements in the past, he is happy to see Harris taking the initiative when it comes to backing up his boss.

Then Harris opens his mouth again and makes Barney change his mind.

Detective Harris leans a little closer to the seated Reverend Mother and says, "Besides, he's always like this before his first cup of coffee."

Once Barney recovers form his shock, he starts to say something. Harris beats him to it. He innocently raises his hands while saying, "Sorry Barn. Just trying to help." Barney just gives him a wide-eyed angry stare.

Detective Harris starts walking toward the rear stairway while saying, "Hum, I'm sure I can find something to do, somewhere else!"

Between Harris' comment, the giggling from the other nuns and what the Reverend Mother has just told him, Barney changes his demeanor. He drops both his hands, as well as his I'm trying to help you face as he somewhat forcefully says, "Reverend Mother, with all due respect, you are not under arrest. However, I'm starting to think that maybe it's not such a bad idea if you were!"

Barney then points off into the distance and stammers a little as he continues. "Because of that...that little…stunt that you and the good sister here has pulled, I now have an ever growing crowd of religious fanatics, which as we speak are standing outside of my precinct house! And if that wasn't bad enough, they are now begging for the good sister here to do everything from healing the sick, to giving them winning Lotto numbers!"

*Sister Jacqueline steps forward, away from the other nuns. She smiles and tells Barney, "Excuse me Captain Miller. Shortly before I become a nun, I was a female auxiliary officer with the police force where I lived. Naturally I am prohibited from using physical force. However, if you need help with crowd control I can man a bullhorn."

Barney is literally taken aback by both the sisters' offer of assistance, and her stating that she used to be a cop, of sorts. Once he regains his composure he tells her, "Thank you sister, however I'm sure that we will be able to get a handle on the situation. He continues, "I must say, I am somewhat…amazed to find out that you were once a cop before becoming a nun."

As one, the other nuns reply, "we're not."

Reverend Mother then looks at Barney and says, "Captain Miller, many nuns live full, interesting and varied lives before joining the order, and taking their vows. Sister Jacqueline has lived one of the…fullest!"

While all of this is going on, Det. Nick Yemana is quietly filling out a New York State lottery ticket for that week's drawing. When he thinks that he heard Barney mention something about the good sister picking winning Lotto numbers he jerks his head up, and starts to say something. Without even looking, Barney closes his eyes and slowly nods his head 'no' while saying, "Nick, don't even think it!" Detective. Nick Yemana hears this and without saying a word, drops his head back down. He decides to do what he always does. He plays different combinations of his badge number.

At this point Sister Bertrille is almost in tears as she pleadingly clasps her hands together while saying, "But Captain Formen…I mean Captain Miller, It was not a stunt! I was in Washington Square Park with the other sisters. I was taking a picture of the arch at the entrance to the park, and that's when I saw him."

Barney moves a little closer to the sister, who is sitting at Wojo's desk and asks, "That's when you saw…who sister?"

Sister Batrillia, through fearful tear-filled eyes looks off into the distance as she answers, "The bird. The baby bird that was pushed out of it's nest by its mother. She was only trying to teach it how to fly. Except it wasn't ready to learn. It fell about half- way down before I realized that it was going hit the ground and…" At this point the sister becomes even more misty eyed then before. She quickly recovers her composure, looks directly at Capt. Miller and says, "I dropped my camera and started to run over and catch it." Then she apologetically says, "but before I knew what was happening, I was in the air!"

"The good news is that I caught the little bird and placed it back in its nest with its mother. The bad news is that I was on top of the Washington Arch, in plain view of everyone in the park." The sister suddenly appears even more depressed as she turns toward the Reverend Mother and says, "And the worst part is that I broke my promise to Reverend Mother Plaseato about not flying while away from home"

She begins to cry as she continues, "It's just reminded me of the **Condorio Hawk that was shot and killed, right before my eyes! You see captain, since they destroy sugar cane fields they are hunted and killed on sight in Puerto Rico. I had to hatch the two blue-speckled eggs that were left in her nest, and raise her chicks as my own! I even taught them how to fly! It's illegal to raise them on the island, but I couldn't just let some of our Lord's creature's die, before they were even born!

Barney is taken aback, and raises an eyebrow at the mention of 'teaching the birds how to fly'. However, before he can ask if that means that she has flown back at their convent in Puerto Rico, or anyone else, Officer Carl Levitt enters the Detectives Squad Room and says, "Excuse me Captain Miller. A reporter from The New York Daily News is one the phone downstairs. He wants to know if the NYPD will be arresting any more nuns today," Patrolman Levitt raises an accusing eyebrow at his captain when he asks, "or just the ones from out of town?"

When Sister Bartilla hears this, she starts to sob uncontrollabl. The other sisters in the squad room come to her side and calm her. Meanwhile, The Reverend Mother alternates between trying to comfort the young anguished nun, and giving Capt. Miller a paralyzing stare.

Once Barney sees, and feels the Reverend Mothers angry glare, he starts thinking about blackboards and staying late after school again. Because of this he probable overreacts as he gives Patrolman Levitt a tired look as he tells him, "Not now Levitt! And they are not under arrest, just protective custody! Just tell them that we currently have no comment, becauseit is an on an ongoing investigation".

"Protective custody. Ongoing investigation. No comment. Yes sir!"

Patrolman Levitt starts to leave the squad room when he is stopped short by a ringing phone on a nearby desk. He picks up the receiver and says, "Hello 12th precinct. Patrolman levitt speaking. How may I help you?"

Det. Stanley Wojciehowicz then takes advantage of the lull in the conversation. He somewhat meekly looks at both nuns and says, "Excuse me Reverend Mother, sister. I need to talk to my captain about something." He grins at Sister Bertrille as he tells her this. Sister Bertrille not only stops sobbing, she returns his smile with one of her own. This of course causes the Reverend Mother to shift her paralyzing stare from Capt. Miller, to the young Sgt., and Sister Batrillia. Wojo (Detective Wojciehowicz) sees the Reverend Mother staring at him, and is reminded of his time in Catholic School, and having to stay after school, writing on the blackboard as punishment.

He pushes down this childhood fear, turns to his captain and says, "It's all true Barn. She can fly…She can fly!"

Barney deeply sighs, rolls his eyes and starts to argue the point with his young muscle-bound detective. Wojo interrupts and says, "Me and Chano was return'n from another call, when we roll'ed up on a crowd forming at the entrance of Washington Square Park, near the arch. We make our way through a crowd of people talk'n about a 'Flying Nun', that's on top of the arch. She's look'n real nervous, and the crowd is growing bigger and louder by the minute. But me, Chano and the other sisters manage to talk her down.

Barney quickly asks Wojo, "How did she get down"? Wojo looks off into the distance and replies, "She put one hand on her nun's hat. She held the other out for balance, and she flew down Barn. She came down in a spiral. She made about two or three small circles, and a perfect soft landing right in front of me and Chano."

Barney starts to slowly look around the room. Wojo Hold up his hands and says, "I know what you're going to say Barn. But there were no ropes, chains or pulleys. Nothing like that."

Barney looks back toward Wojo and says, "No Wojo, I was not going to disagree with you, I was looking for Chano, where is he?"

Wojo moves a little closer to Barney. He lowers his voice and answers, "He thinks that this is a miracle. Barn he's even set up an altar in the interrogation room. He's trying to give confession to a couple of the nuns."

Barney looks confused as he replies, "Wojo…I thought that only priests can take confession. Can nuns do that"?

Wojo continues to keep his voice down, but he is still more than a little emotional as he says, "No, they can't Barn! When I left them, two of the poor nuns were trying to explain that to Chano!"

The Interrogation room of the 12th Precinct is a somewhat small room. It is colored similar to the squad room. Dark green room the base of the wall to about eye level. And eye-level to the ceiling, the wall is an off-white color that has grown dingy with age. And of course like every interrogation room, there is a large two way mirror placed on the far wall and one high power incandescent lamp hanging from the ceiling.

There is a four foot, by four foot table in the center of the room. Three currently unused chairs are placed around the table. On top of the table are several white candles that are normally only used during a power failure. They are now lit, and placed each in it's own clean ash tray, to collect any melted candle wax. In the center of the table is a coffee cup with several burning incense sticks. The cup is half filled with sugar to keep the sticks from falling.

The sweet smelling frankincense smoke rises and swirls around the room. The flickering candle light and the fragrant smoke do a lot to enhance the otherwise dismal mood of this room. However, it seems to have little to no effect on its current inhabitants, Sister Ana, Sister Sixto and Detective Chano Amenguale.

Sister Ana looks from Sister Sixto to Detective Amenguale with large, expressive eyes. It's now her turn to once again to try and convince the police officer that they cannot do what he wants.

She takes a deep breath, turns to him, and in her shy quiet voice says, "I wish that

We could help you Detective Amenguale But…" Chano interrupts her and says, "Please, Sister Ana…call me Chano."

Sister Ana nervously looks to Sister Sixto for support. Once Sister Sixto smiles, and nods her head yes, Sister Ana turns back to the detective and says, "OK…Chano. I wish that we could do what you ask of us. But nuns are not allowed to take confession. You require a priest for that."

Upon hearing this, Chano drops to his knees, grabs both nuns by the hands while pleadingly saying, "Sisters please, a miracle has taken place here today! All of the old rules have changed! If a nun can fly, surely one can take a confession!"

At this point Sister Ana looks at her friend and fellow sister with such fear and apprehension that Sister Sixto decides to take off the kid gloves. She takes a hold of both Chano's wrists and gently pulls him up off the floor while saying, "Brother Chano, please stand up! Yes, you did see a miracle. But it is a miracle that has been occurring almost every day for the last several years back home at the convent San Tanco!"

Her approach works. Chano is so taken aback by the fact that a nun has been flying around for the past few years, that he stands up straight and asks the sisters, "You mean that she has done this before? But sisters, that still makes it a miracle…"

Sister Sixto interrupts and says, "Yes brother, it is still a miracle. A miracle of Sister Batrilla's low body weight, small height and the headwear that our order of nuns has on our heads. It acts like the wings of an airplane whenever a strong breeze comes along."

In a low, shy voice, Sister Ana adds, "That is correct Chano. But we have always known that if people knew about her being able to fly, it would cause the kind of reaction that has happened here. So we keep it a secret from the world. But as soon as we arrived in New York City, our secret was discovered. And now we will be in all kinds of trouble!"

Chano starts to speak, but Sister Sixto looks at the other two and says, "I guess it's true what they say about New York, "If you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere."

Chano is confused at the sister's comment, so he asks her, "Ah sister, don't you mean, "If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere."?"

Sister Sixto replies, "Oh no Chano! Because when our boss the Bishop of San Juan finds out about Sister Batrilla's little (at this point, Sister Sixto flaps her arms up and down) secret, we're not going to make it here, there or anywhere!"

After they hear her explanation Sister Ana once again looks scared and confused. Detective Amenguale merely looks confused.

While Chano and Sister Ana are still trying to take in what Sister Sixto has just told them, she throws another bit of her Malaproped wisdom at them and says, "It just goes to show you, two birds in the bush beats one in the hand."

This time it is Sister Ana that tries to correct her friend by shyly saying, "Ah, Sister Sixto, don't you mean, "A bird in the hand, beats two in the bush."?"

She replies, "No, not this time Sister Ana. Remember at home when Sister Batrilla found those two blue speckled eggs in the bush that she hatched and raised? We thought that was bad. But that was nothing compared to the bird in her hand that she saved today!

That one beats them both!!!"

Once again, after Sister Sixto has explained herself, Detective Amenguale and Sister Ana look at each other and nod their heads in agreement.

Detective Chano Amenguale is about to try once more to give his confession to one, or both sisters when Sister Sixto opens her already wide eyes a little wider and says, "It's just like that old saying, "If you want to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs..."

The good sister then brings her hand to her chin to think about what she has just said. After several quiet seconds of deep concentration she announces to her two companions,

"No wait, now I'm confused!!!"

Back in the squad room, Patrolman Carl Levitt is still on the call that he answered when we last saw him. He makes a face and says, OK sir. Hold on and I'll ask him."

He puts the caller on hold, walks over to Barney (who is now talking to his desk sergeant on another phone) and says, "Excuse me again Captain Miller. I have the editor of the New York Post on hold. He asked to speak with you personally sir."

Barney tells the person on the other line, "excuse me" and puts them on hold. He then turns (more than a little annoyed) to Patrolman Levitt and asks, "Yes Levitt, what does he want?"

Sir, he wants to know if you'll let him send in a photographer to take a picture of the sisters in the lock-up? Or at the very least, during the perp-walk?"

Even before he is finished talking, Sister Batrilla grabs the rosary that hangs around her neck and says out loud, "Oh my goodness!" At the same time the other nuns in the room run over to comfort her. At this point, Reverend Mother Plaseato gives Barney a withering gaze while saying, "Captain Miller!"

Barney begins to offer an apology to the Sisters and the Reverend Mother. His lips move, but nothing comes out. Since he cannot think of anything to say to the nuns that could possible make things better after what they just heard. So, he turns to the one person that he can think of something to say to. He looks at his patrolman and almost violently screams, "Levitt! No more interruptions! Refer ALL TV, radio and newspaper calls to the Police Departments Public Affairs Unit! I will only take calls from HIGH RANKING OFFICIALS! Understood?"

His outburst has the desired effect on the little patrolman. He stammers out the reply, "Yes sir! Public affairs unit! High ranking officials only!"

Levitt quickly turns and painfully walks back to the phone, with the call holding light blinking. He refers them to the proper department, hangs up and starts to walk away when the same phone rings again. He answers the phone and starts to transfer them to the proper department once he realizes what they are calling about. Then he hears something that makes him turn pale with fear. He places this call on hold and once again walks over to his captain, who has just informed the nuns that according to his desk sergeant the crowd is being disbursed, and they will be able to leave shortly. When Levitt walks up to him and says, "Sir, another call for you."

For the sake of his guest, Barney does not yell like before. He takes a deep breath and says, "Levitt, I thought that I said no more calls. I thought that I said refer them to the Police Departments Public Affairs Department."

Before Barney can continue Levitt interrupts and says, "Yes sir. But you also said that you would only speak to high ranking officials. I've got His Excellency, the Bishop of San Juan, AND the Pope on hold. They would both like to speak to both you, and the Reverend Mother." At this point Levitt sticks out his chest and nods his head side to side while he asks his boss, "High ranking enough for you sir?"

Barney is dumbstruck when he hears who his latest callers are. It takes him several seconds to react. When he does, he looks at the Reverend Mother and says, "We should take this in my office."

Shortly after that, the door to Barney's office is closed, with him and the Reverend Mother on the other side. Detective Harris, who was peeking around the corner of the rear hall way near he men's room, sees that the coast is clear. He slips back into the squad room and starts to make himself a cup of tea.

Wojo walks around his desk to stand over the seated Sister Battrilla and says, "Don't worry sister, everything will work out. You'll see. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

She replies, "Yes. Thank you Sergeant…" Wojo interrupts her and says, "Please, call me Stanley." "OK…Stanley." Then both of them hold their gaze a little longer than they should, and start to blush.

Stanley finally pulls himself away and walks over to the coffee machine. None of this goes unnoticed by the other nuns who trade questioning glances with each other. Nor has the last scene been missed by Detective Harris, who is currently stirring his cup of tea.

When Stanley comes next to him, Harris looks from Stanley, to the sister and back to Stanley. Stanley finallynotices this and quietly asks his partner, "What?"

Harris just looks him up and down, with slight disdain. Closes his eyes, nods his head 'no' as he turns away and says, "I don't know you!"

*Sister Jacqueline was originally not supposed to be in this fan fiction. However, her multi-careered/pre-nun references always cracked me up as a kid. So there was no way that I could leave her out.

**The Flying Nun. Season Two. Episode: Two Bad Eggs.

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