A/N: Thanks to my beta Camy! This was for the beya Secret elf thing, it was a gift for Mrs.B

Disclaimer: I do not own the show or the characters.

Regrets pt.1

Regrets.

John Shepard had many, and they came in all shapes and sizes. Some were the little reminders that lay in the Christmas cards from his brother of a family he's never met. Or the larger reminder and constant ache that he felt every time he looked into Torren John's face. It wasn't the child's fault that John had let his pride and fear stand in his way when it came to Teyla. But he still felt the ache every time he looked in the baby's face and knew that he was someone else's son. Or when he seen the happy family of three roaming the halls. John was broken out of his thoughts by his door swishing open. He got up from his bed expecting to see Rodney but instead he saw nothing. He stood there for a moment looking out into the corridor then he felt something tug on his pants. He looked down and found little Torren clinging to his legs. John smiled down at him, even though it hurt to be around the little boy, he couldn't seem to stay away from him. John seemed drawn to him much the same way he felt with the child's mother.

"Hey Little Man! How did you get in here?"

"Door." At two and a half Torren was slowly learning how to piece together words, and he already had quite the sense of humor.

"I see that." John said picking the little boy up.

"Let's go find your mom." John said as they made their way down the hall. While they walked, Torren chattered away in the way that toddlers do. John took the time to observe the little boy. In recent months his brown hair had turned even darker to an almost dark black and his smile had become larger which the whole world knew because of how much Torren smiled.

" GYM!" Torren squealed as they made it to the door of the gym. John laughed. Apparently, Torren had gotten more than his eyes from Teyla. John stepped through the door just in time to see one of the new marines hit the wall.

"Well kiddo we found your mom." John said to Torren whose reply was to grab John's hair. John didn't even fight him. He had learned months ago that trying to make him stop was futile.

He walked toward the bench and dropped Torren onto it before sitting down beside him. He watched as Teyla ran the new recruits through the basics of baton fighting. John smiled at the memory when he used to be in the same position as the marines. He missed those days, but it was his own fault those days were long gone. He wasn't sure how long he had let his brain drift off into memory lane, but soon Teyla was dismissing her class. So, he helped Torren off the bench.

"Mommy." Torren shrieked running toward where Teyla was bent down. John watched as Teyla scooped her son up in a big hug.

"Colonel Sheppard?" She asked noticing for the first time who had accompanied her son.

"Hmm Torren found his way to my room so we went off in search of you or –um—who ever was supposed to be watching him."

"His father was. It is not like Kanaan to leave him unattended. Something must have happened. Thank you for making sure he was safe."

"Of course. He means the world to me you know that." For the first time since he had walked in, it was awkward. Reminiscing of how the last three years had been something he thought they were getting past.

"I must go find Kanaan. Torren say goodbye to the Colonel." She said as she stepped past him. Torren turned around and looked over her shoulder.

"Bye-bye Col-neal" As John watched Teyla pack Torren down the hallway, he watched his biggest regret get further and further away. The regret that his son would never know him as anything but Colonel Shepard.