Rating M for offensive/triggering sexual slurs
Plain text is Derek, italic is the one he's corresponding with
SterekXXX
2 New Messages
[19.27 PM]
Another late night?
Coz I made bourguignon and you hate it to be cold
[19.38 PM]
Sorry, got a phone call from Greg
They need us to check on a cold case
keep them in the fridge for me?
[19.38 PM]
ok
everyone's there?
[19.39 PM]
yeah
Need to flip old files page by page
Am fingering Jordan and Ashley
[19.39 PM]
:O
muffin cheese, is there a conversation we need to have?
Or should I prepare the couch instead…
[19.39 PM]
damn phone…
*finding with Jordan and Ash
I swear it's the autocorrect, Stiles…
[20.01 PM]
Stiles?
I'm really working here…
John can attest for me
[20.01 PM]
Sorry
Sorry
dropped my phone from too much laughing
[20.02 PM]
glad you're entertained…
[20.02 PM]
Aawwww…don't be mad
And I'll be bringing extra bourguignon to the station
So make sure the guys get their stomach readyyyy
[20.02 PM]
thanks
love you
[20.03 PM]
^3^ luv u too
and make sure the sheriff doesn't catch you guys in the middle of hanky panky
it'll be AWKWARD
[20.03 PM]
ha ha…
[20.03 PM]
:D
…0…
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL)
[9.56 AM]
There's a new orgy for the case
Will follow up with Greg
[10.09 AM]
I'm going to assume that's a euphemism…
Or be very glad in taking a day off today
[10.11 AM]
*lube
**loin
******L E A D
Sorry, John, it's the autocorrect
[10.16 AM]
Still can't get a hang of it?
[10.16 AM]
Sometimes
[10.16 AM]
Well, I'll be meeting Stiles for lunch
Want to join?
[10.17 AM]
Yes
[10.17 AM]
Great
And tell the others not to get too loud
The station do have an appearance to maintain
No matter how subtle my deputies think they are
[10.18 AM]
…yes sir
…0…
Catrica
[16.49 PM]
can you do anal tomorrow?
[16.49 PM]
Oohhh yes!
I can bring the suitcase and you can choose the size
Should I bring in Stiles? Coz I'm sure he doesn't want to miss it
[16.50 PM]
*analysis
and no one is giving Stiles anal
[16.50 PM]
no one else, of course
;)
…0…
SterekXXX
4 New Messages
[17.31 PM]
Plot rabbits attack!
Will be type-binging!
Sorry, can't keep you entertain tonight… D: D: D:
Casserole in the fridge!
[17.37 PM]
It's okay
I'm tied up with necrophilia too, may be late
[17.37 PM]
:O
Teddy Bear, are you hinting something new?
Should we have a sit n talk session first?
Or should I inform Liv?
Can't have the evidences contaminated, u know…
[17.38 PM]
goddamn it
Stupid autocorrect!
*a new report
How are these two words related?
[17.39 PM]
:D :D :D XD XD XD XD
Your phone is your inner desires that longs to howl and be acknowledged?
[17.39 PM]
Stiles, just go and finish your next chapter
…0…
SterekXXX
2 New Messages
[15.40 PM]
At the store now
Want anything?
[15.40 PM]
Orchiectomy
[15.40 PM]
?
Derek, I'm at the STORE
Or do you need me to call Melissa for you instead?
[15.41 PM]
*****orgasm
******olly olly oxen free
WTF
******hardcore
*******glowing cumlicker
I give…
I'm calling you
[15.43 PM]
WAIT
WAIT
WAAAAAIT
Can't breathe
cramp
kdjebvfditmhj
[15.43 PM]
Stiles, somebody's calling in the station and reporting a public disturbance
…0…
Group: HAIL THE GREATS
2 New Messages
[16.22 PM]
MamaAlpha: Derek, is Laura with you?
MamaAlpha: Is Stiles coming over for dinner tonight?
[16.23 PM]
Yeah, will be dryhumping her and Stiles
Laura is taking her sweet time with her hair
[16.23 PM]
ScaryCora: Bro…
CreepyUncleP: Nephew, how adventurous of you
CreepyUncleP: And I'll be here helping the Sheriff (your FATHER-IN-LAW) to choose his guns
CreepyUncleP: Such pity, John had always wanted to be a grandpa
BigBadLaura: :D :D :D
BigBadLaura: Maybe Der-Bear can get a few tips from Bobby later
PapaMufasa: Peter
PapaMufasa: Laura
MerryLupin: Dad, you have to admit, it IS funny
[16.24 PM]
*DRIVING
I'm DRIVING them home!
Get your dirty minds out of the dirty bitch! Especially you, Peter
*ditch
[16.25 PM]
ScaryCora: Or you need to get yourself a less dirty phone
CreepyUncleP: Now, now, Cora
Creepy UncleP: Where will we get our blackmail source then?
ScaryCora: You don't need anything else to dig up dirt, you just use your 'charm'
CreepyUncleP: True, so true
[16.26 PM]
BigBadLaura: I like Derek's phone
[16.26 PM]
it's yours
[16.27 PM]
BigBadLaura: Nah, I like it better when it's with you
MerryLupin: Coz they're Mork & Mindy?
BigBadLaura: *high five!*
MerryLupin: *high five!*
MerryLupin: BUT what about Stiles?! Poor baby!
BigBadLaura: Get him and Kenny together?
MerryLupin: Agreed
[16.29 PM]
Dad, can you pick Laura up?
Mom, I'm sorry, Stiles and I won't be there tonight
We'll be BUSY
DRIVING
TOGETHER
;:(
…0…
IsaacVanDork
[14.36 PM]
Brian and I can be there for the cock tease tomorrow
[14.37 PM]
…ummm
remember that the audiences are all kindergarteners?
we don't want to scar them for life yet…
[14.37 PM]
***demonstration
stupid phone…
I don't even know where all these words come from
[14.37 PM]
well, as long as you leave the tease out we're all good
some things are not meant to be done outside of the bed
:)
…0…
Dannilicious
[11.04 AM]
Cross got us new data, can you crack it by today?
[11.05 AM]
I can try
[11.05 AM]
Ok, will give you head soon
[11.05 AM]
Umm, thanks but no thanks
You're a stud, but I don't do married husband
Especially when they're married to my friend
[11.06 AM]
*head over to you
Sorry
[11.06 AM]
autocorrect?
[11.06AM]
can we just ignore the above
[11.07 AM]
Considered it done
…0…
Hummel Tires & LUBE(LI)
4 New Messages
[10.16 AM]
Hi, this is Kurt, your neighborhood friendly mechanic!
Just calling to inform you that your baby is ready to go home!
Or texting
Technicalities
[10.27 AM]
Suck you
*** THANK
Stiles will be there, just settle and pimp him
[10.30 AM]
Ermmm…
NO?
He's one of my best friends, and favorite fiction authors, and your HUSBAND?!
Does the Sheriff know about this?
Since, you know, he's Stiles' DAD and your BOSS
Aaand your honorable father-in-law
[10.31 AM]
***settle the payment with him
would you forgive me if I say it's the autocorrect's fault?
[10.31 AM]
HOW: payment = pimp?
[10.31 AM]
I'm long done figuring it out…
[10.32 AM]
Okay, I understand
I'm done figuring out Finn's autocorrect too
It's a good brain stimulation to figure out what he really means
And Blaine says it's a great stress reliever
…0…
SterekXXX
[9.45 AM]
we'll be having a fund raiser next month
Your pregnancy ok?
[9.46 AM]
I know we have very healthy libido and rigorous nocturnal workout
but that shouldn't stop me from multitasking
Pregnant and baking cupcakes and attending a fund raiser? Easy peachy!
[9.46 AM]
I'll tell the guys you'll be baking and charity autograph
[9.46 AM]
Leave 'em to me, sweet Alabama babe!
…0…
Group: PUPPIES N ME
1 New Message
[14.56 PM]
JackScottington: Derek, you'll handle the food tonight?
[15.00 PM]
pussy hankey
the usual toppings ok?
[15.01 PM]
JackScottington: ?!
Catrica: And what toppings will we have this time? Yum
IsaacVanDork: Really? We're really having THAT?
IsaacVanDork: Can I be absent? I have a migraine. A really BAD one
Boydjangles: calm down Isaac
Boydjangles: Erica's just pulling your tail
Jackass: I'm leaving this group…
SallyAlly: guys, you know it's the autocorrect
SallyAlly: Scott dear, you can close your mouth now…
[15.05 PM]
*pizza
thanks Allison
[15.06 PM]
Dannilicious: some of these days your phone will get you into trouble
Dannilicious: and it won't be funny
[15.06 PM]
I know
John is getting wary of receiving my massages
***message
We just end up calling
[15.07 PM]
SterekXXX: OMG
SterekXXX: Why no one told me about you two?!
SterekXXX: Der-Pumpkin Boo, SHOW MEEEEEE
Jackass: Gross, Bilinski
Jackass: This group is not for foreplay
SterekXXX: Don't be jealous coz you got none
Catrica: Ooohhhh
Catrica: Showing off, batman?
SterekXXX: you wanna learn?
SterekXXX: Teaching inspiring tricks for young padawan, I can
JackScottington: hey, I thought you're my yoda… :(
SterekXXX: omg, Scotty Scott
SterekXXX: why haven't we watch Star Wars with you
SterekXXX: Tonight: Star Wars marathon!
Catrica: no
IsaacVanDork: no
Boydjangles: no
Dannilicious: no
Jackass: no
SallyAlly: love you Stiles, but no
QueenLydia: no
…0…
SterekXXX
[16.03 PM]
Got your Adderall
Need manpain?
[16.04 PM]
yeah…can't dismiss my fortnightly dosage
since I need expressive eyebrows and terrifying scowls to finish the next plot
you know how much angst and manpain is poured into it
[16.04 PM]
No, I don't
You vowed never to share any incomplete plot because you'll jinx it
And I thought it's a women pov this time?
[16.05 PM]
equal opportunities, shnookums, equal opportunities
like Laura?
[16.05 PM]
Laura is a manpain alright
A man's pain in the ass
[16.05 PM]
:D :D :D
I'm telling Lauraaa
…0…
SterekXXX
[12.54 PM]
Did you see my labia?
[13.13 PM]
No?
Laura's reading this over my shoulder
And she says you can swap it back anytime you want
she misses her hot rod too
[13.13 PM]
***letter
tell her to fuck off
…0…
Group: FAMILIES
2 New Messages
[14.29 PM]
RavenHeaven: Can anyone get more coals?
RavenHeaven: We're out of it
[14.29 PM]
MerryLupin: I can get some on my way there
[14.30 PM]
RavenHeaven: thanks, Alex
RavenHeaven: you know who'll be behind the grill?
[14.30 PM]
John will cock Peter
[14.31 PM]
SterekXXX: :O :O :O
SterekXXX: Dad, remember our TALK!
BigBadLaura: Uncle Peter, remember to be a gentleman ;D
CreepyUncleP: aren't I always ;P
MerryLupin: So, are you guys planning for spring or winter?
MerryLupin: I can get you discounts
ScaryCora: Isn't that a little too haste
Scary Cora: they haven't reach their tenth date quota
SterekXXX: no Stiles = no chaperone = no dates = no one's getting their nuptials!
BigBadLaura: YET! ;)
MelissaNightingale: And John isn't a blushing virgin anymore, Stiles
MelissaNightingale: It's okay to let him out of the nest by his own
RavenHeaven: I think they'll be a good match
PapaMufasa: yeah, I think so too
PapapMufasa: But about Chris?
GastonC: What about me?
SterekXXX: NOOOOoooo
SterekXXX: my braaaiiiinnnn…
SallyAlly: I agreed with Stiles…eewwww…
GastonC: What?
CreepyUncleP: Oh hush children
MerryLupin: It's very scarring to our delicate souls, uncle…
CreepyUncleP: I don't sponsor earplugs and I don't care
[14.42 PM]
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL): Does anyone realize it's the damn autocorrect…
CreepyUncleP: Hush John, or the fairy tale will be moot
CreepyUncleP: someone needs to keep the magic alive ;P
MelissaNightingale: we was hoping it won't be you Peter…
BigBadLaura: that's why they need Chris into the combination
GastonC: still not following…
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL): What?
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL): I used to have a son who gives me daily stomach ulcer
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL): now I have a whole family…
SterekXXX: that's why 94% of your diet are veggies dad
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL): not the point kiddo…
MamaAlpha: Welcome to the family, John :)
[15.57 PM]
JackScottington: wow…this is a lot of msg
JackScottington: what did I miss?
JackScottington: on second thought…nvm
…0…
ScaryCora
1 New Message
[10.16 AM]
Is Henry with you?
[10.16 PM]
yes, he's wanking with the coroner
[10.17 AM]
morbid
and Laura want you to warn him not to bring any maggots back to their bed
[10.17 AM]
do I even need to explain…
[10.17 AM]
nope
Laura found the whetstone anyway
…0…
Group: StilinskisFeels
1 New Message
[11.43 AM]
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL): are you both having dinner here?
[11.43 AM]
yes, Stiles will be cockblocked
*****COOKING
[11.43 AM]
SterekXXX: nice save :D
SterekXXX: and we'll never be cockblocked
SterekXXX: not even with having a cop dad/boss and his guns!
[11.47 AM]
Dad/Sheriff(WOGLOL): Son, there are some infos a parent can live without...
…0…
Boydjangles
1 New Message
[13.29 PM]
Are the two of you coming over later?
[13.29 PM]
yeah, I'll ask Stiles to bring the dildo
[13.30 PM]
Nah, they're covered by Jackson
Just bring the ice box
[13.30 PM]
ok
…0…
JackScottington
[10.06 AM]
Is Bruce okay?
[10.06 AM]
yup, just need a few injections and he'll be bouncing right back in no time
I called Stiles to pick him up later
[10.06 AM]
I can pick him up
Stiles is busy with his pregnancy
[10.07 AM]
okay, cool
[11.16 AM]
wait
not cool!
You knocked up Stiles?!
[11.17 AM]
**writing
it's the autocorrect, stop spunking
*freaking out
and since I'm his husband, it's ok for him to have my baby?
[11.17 AM]
oh right
sorry
but if Stiles IS pregnant
I get to be the honorary godfather
…0…
SterekXXX
1 New Message
[13.46 PM]
why did Scott make me promise that he'll be the honorary godfather to my imaginary baby
after my imaginary 9 months pregnancy
[13.46 PM]
because he's an idiot
along with this funking phone
*fucking
[13.46 PM]
your phone sure is eager huh?
[13.46 PM]
no, you can't have my phone's babies
imaginary or not
[13.47 PM]
Cuddle pie, your cavemanness is showing! :D
And I like my imaginary baby to have your brows and eyes
[13.47 PM]
and your button nose and mordant wits
[13.47 PM]
and your grumpy scowl and marshmallow heart
[13.47 PM]
and your beauty spots and contagious laughter
[13.47 PM]
aawww
now I definitely want to hold our imaginary baby!
Derek!
[13.48 PM]
after this trilogy?
[13.48 PM]
after this trilogy
[13.48 PM]
love you Stiles
[13.48 PM]
:D
love you too sourwolf
Been reading too much fluff and text fic, so here's the decision to post one.
And for anyone who's curious, (WOGLOL) mean 'who owns gun lol'
And yes, some are OC, some are cameos