Satire.
I own nothing, except maybe the weird idea.
A Cupcake Story
Once upon a time, on a sparkling clean bakery shelf, there lived a little vanilla cupcake. Her name, true to form, was Cupcake. Cupcake had chocolate frosting and chocolate sprinkles, and she thought she looked quite lovable and delicious.
Every day, Cupcake sat on her bakery shelf and proudly displayed herself to everyone who walked in the door. Afterall, surely everyone noticed what a pretty, perfect little Cupcake she was. She was absolutely positive that one day, someone would walk through the bakery door and take one look at her and know, without a doubt, that she was THEIR Cupcake. And then they would take her home, and she would be loved for the rest of her days.
One day, a dark, handsome man came into the bakery. He bought two loaves of healthy whole grain bread. And then he saw Cupcake, sitting prettily on the shelf, hoping someone would notice her. He looked longily at Cupcake, then gave his head a small shake. "My life doesn't lend itself to sweets." He said. And then he turned and presented Cupcake with his scrumptious backside, before walking out of the bakery door, and out of her life, forever.
"But he was supposed to pick me." Cupcake thought sadly to herself that night, when the bakery was closed and all lights were off. "He knew he was meant for me, and I for him. He felt it. And he wanted me, I know he did. Am I not pretty enough? Am I too ordinary?"
And so the days continued, and Cupcake sat on her shelf and waited and hoped that someone would come and take her home. And so the nights were long, as Cupcake slowly lost hope.
All of the other sweets laughed at her, and told her that she was too plain, too ordinary, and that she would sit on the shelf until her frosting went rancid. And one by one, those sweets found their lifelong homes where they would live happily ever after. And then the day came, where Cupcake finally lost hope.
It is strange, the timeline of life. Because on the day that Cupcake lost hope, Joe Morelli walked into the bakery door. All of the sweets jumped to attention. Everyone wanted to be bought by Joe Morelli. He knew just what to do with cannoli, and he loved his sweeties, oh yes he did. Everyone knew it, and he was the most lusted after purchaser in all of baked-goods-dom. Cupcake didn't bother jumping, though. She'd heard all about Joe Morelli. And surely, if she wasn't good enough for anyone else, she could never be good enough for Morelli.
Imagine her suprise, dear reader, when Morelli looked at the shelf, pointed at Cupcake, and said "I'll take that one." Cupcake was so shocked and excited she lept high in the air, and almost fell down. She caught herself just in time, just before her frosting when splat, and then rode proudly on the baker's hand. She got placed in her very own special little gift box, and handed to Joe Morelli like the precious little miracle that she was.
She rode home in style on Morelli's ducati bike. She couldn't not see the scenery as it drove by. Her box had to stay closed, otherwise the wind would ruin her perfect frosting. She needed the time, anyhow, to make sure she was primped and proper for her unveiling at her new home. This was such an exciting adventure!
Soon enough, the Ducati rolled to a stop and Joe - she was already calling him Joe - carefully carried her into the house. This was it, she thought, as he gently lifted her out of the box. Her new home!
Joe placed her in his hand, and started to pull down her clothes, the paper cup she was baked in to make sure she came out of the cupcake pan perfect. "Wow Joe, already? But we've only just met!" she thought, as he stripped her naked in no time. Wow. He didn't waste anytime. She couldn't bring herself to mind, though, because that just meant that Joe loved her so very much. She was glad the dark man didn't choose her, now. Joe was her soul mate.
Oooooh! And he was going to kiss her! He was bringing her to his lips... and opening his mouth...
And then...
And then...
AND THEN!!!!!
He ate her.
The final little crumbs of Cupcake realized that maybe she was better off left alone on the bakery shelf. Because then, at least, she was alive.
And then...
Joe Morelli licked her last little crumbs off of his fingers, as he said "Wow. You were the best Cupcake I've ever had."