The doctors of Cook County General teach the kids in the pediatric ward about safety and strangers
A/N: Today I watched a stupid show. It was teaching kids, like me, how to be safe with strangers. I decided to make fun of that show because it was a stupid waste of an hour. Review or I will follow out with my plan:
PLAN FOR NON-REVIEWERS
1. Find shotgun
2. load shotgun
3. dispose of bodies
I'm joking of course. Seriously, I don't mind if you don't review. It's nice to see somebody reviewed, but it isn't so bad if you don't.
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"It's time." Dr. Weaver announced to Abby, Carter, Luka, Susan and Frank.
"Let's go." Carter put on a brave face.
Abby took a deep breath. Susan put on some body armor. Luka pocketed some pepper spray. Frank ate his last donut.
The doctors and useless desk clerk walked down the hall to a lead door. It said:
PEDIATRIC WARD
Kerry used her crutch to push the button the deactivated the vacuum sealed doors. They went in.
"CRUTCH LADY! PUPPY MAN! SAD GIRL! BLOND LADY! GUY I SWOON OVER! FRANK!" 30 teeny tots ranging from ages 5-12 stopped jumping on Cleo and raced over to the doctors. 7 jumped on Carter. 3 stole Kerry's crutch. 12 bowled Frank over. 4 attacked Luka. 2 ran into Abby and 1 tripped Susan. 1 was still caught in Cleo's hair.
Cleo pulled the eight year old out of her hair and ran outside for a cigarette and crate of tequila.
There was much screaming and talking.
"Lookie what I can do!" Clarissa shouted.
"Aminals are stupid!" Jimmy announced.
"So is Frank!" Reilly shouted.
"What's this?" Natasha pulled the pepper spray from Luka's pocket and sprayed it in Trina's face.
"WAAHHHHH" Trina screamed.
Pete took a bottle of beer from Abby's pocket and took a long swig. Then he pushed Bonnie who fell on Tawny who fell into Jason who stepped on Susan who knocked over an IV poll that broke on the wall and spurted fluid everywhere, which Rosie started drinking.
"I swEAr tO dRuNk, I'm NoT GAWD!" Pete cried
"Carter's jacket is pretty colours!" Rosie hiccupped.
"SHUTUP and SIT DOWN YOU LITTLE BRATS!" Luka yelled. Everyone froze, fell down, and stared up at Luka. Including Carter. Abby pulled Carter back up.
"Luka?" Kerry asked
Luka shrugged. "It's how we control 'em in Croatia. And you see? No brats there. Just kids who train to be soldiers and doctors."
"I'm George Bush" Jimmy said helpfully.
"Sure you are." Carter sassed
"KERRY! Carter's being mean to me!!!"
"Carter. Apologize. Now."
"Sorry Jimmy." Carter pouted.
"That's better." Kerry smiled a 680 watt smile and turned to the pediatric patients.
"Today." Kerry said slowly "We learn about safety."
"what's that?" Trina asked.
"safety is how to live to be past 30" Abby said.
"Safety is what Clarissa never learned." Frank pointed to Clarissa, who sported a large pink cast on her arm.
"I was hit by a car, dumbass." The six year old brated hotly.
"Because you weren't safe." Frank replied.
"Because the driver of the other car was a drunk bas-"
"OKAY." Kerry nudged Susan and Abby, who both smiled at Clarissa.
"You're mouth is too big for your body." Abby said through her smile.
"Your brain is too small for your head." Clarissa sassed.
Abby blinked.
"Clarissa…that was not…you little *****!" Abby lunged at the six year old.
Luka dragged her back.
"OOO. Luka is strong!" Tawny, an eight year old, declared.
"Totally." Bonnie, seven, said dreamily.
"He's so cool!" Jason admired.
Luka stared down at the three kids who had moved close to him.
He stepped away. They watched him. He glanced around uneasily. They blinked. He made for the door. Kerry shut it with a bang.
"Now, let's start learning about safety." Kerry pushed all the 'doctors' into some little plastic seats. Frank broke his and Abby attempted to throw hers at Clarissa.
Once Kerry settled down the brats, she turned to the children.
"Can somebody tell me what to do if a stranger offers you candy?"
"Take it!" Jimmy shouted.
"…no."
"No, you don't take it." Melissa, the eldest, replied snottily.
"Good for you – "
"You ask for money instead" she finished.
"Not quite – " Kerry was cut off by Tawny
"My Mum says not to talk to strangers. But doctors are okay!" She looked at Luka.
"I'll give you 10 bucks to stop staring at me"
"20"
"12"
"15"
"Sold." Luka tossed Tawny some money. Tawny turned her attention to Frank. Frank gave her a donut.
"she TOOK CANDY from a STRANGER!" Pete shouted
"I'm not a stranger, I'm a loveable desk clerk."
"STRANGER!"
"DESK CLERK!"
"Enough!" Kerry tied Frank down and took the beer from Pete. "Let's try another one. If a stranger asks to give you a lift, what do you do?"
"Get in the car." Natasha replied.
"Steal the car!" Rosie clapped
"run!" Carter said fearfully
"This is for the kids Carter." Kerry rolled her eyes.
"oh" Carter slumped down in his seat. Abby laughed at him. He sulked.
"Seriously kids. Make with the answer."
59 eyes blinked. (One boy had an eye patch)
Frank choked on a donut.
Kerry sighed.
"I think we need some hands on experience."
THE STRANGER: Frank
THE BOY: Pete
THE GIRL: Clarissa
"This is role playing." Kerry told the kids and pediatrics. "Pretend Frank is a stranger. What would you do?"
"THIS!" Clarissa kicked Frank in the shin and stole his wallet.
"THIS!" Pete jumped on Franks back and pulled his hair.
"OW!" Frank yelled.
"Enough!" Kerry yelled. "This role playing scenario is over. Clarissa, give Frank his wallet back."
Clarissa did. She and Pete sat down.
"There's 30 bucks missing from this!"
"You have no proof I took it!" Clarissa's pocket bulged with bills.
"You brat!"
"You fat!"
"That's bad grammar!" Melissa stated.
"So's your face!" Pete shouted.
Everyone looked perplexed. Pete shrugged.
"I had no materials to work with. You try to make a diss with that."
"Diss this!" Melissa stuck a needle in Pete's hand.
"OW!"
"KIDS! That's not safe!" Kerry tried to break up the brawl.
"Is this safe?" Reilly jumped up and ran towards the window. She threw a plush bear out the window. A car screehed.
"NO!"
"Is this?" Jason jumped on the bed, fell off and dented a wall.
"NO!"
"Is – "
"NO!" Frank grunted.
All the kids sat down.
"We'll use some examples. The adults will show you how to be safe."
Kerry brought in some props: A door. She motioned to Carter and Abby.
"Carter is the stranger."
"I am a stranger." Carter took a script from Kerry and read it like a robot. He stood on the outside of the door.
"Abby is home alone."
"I'm never home alone."
"For this, you are."
"We're not even home."
"I know Abby."
"This plot makes no sense."
"It's not a plot, it's an example of what might happen to one of the brats one day."
"Carter's gonna come to my door one day?" Rosie asked
"No. But a stranger might." Kerry said through gritted teeth.
"AHHHH STRANGER!" Rosie screamed.
"Where?" Pete jumped up.
The kids all ran around in circles screaming and banging into one another.
"Sedate those kids!" Kerry shouted to Frank.
"I can't. I'm just a loveable desk clerk."
"Can anybody give these kids the needles?"
"I had a problem with needles." Carter the stranger admitted.
"I'm not hurting a kid." Luka shrugged.
"I'm too lonely." Susan sighed.
"I…I can't." Abby said.
"You are a nurse."
"I'm a wha?"
"Nevermind." Kerry sighed. "You are home alone."
The kids settled down to watch the drama unfold.
Carter the stranger and Abby read from scripts.
"Knock Knock. Knock." Carter banged on the cardboard door.
"Oh. No. Whatever. Should. I do. I. Am. Home. Alone. And. A. Stranger. Is. At. My. Door." Abby read the script, remembered she was acting, flashed a horrified expression, and shrugged. Frank threw a donut at her. It's sticky donutness hit her script, making it impossible to read. So she threw it away. Carter banged the door again. It fell down. Susan ran in and held it up.
"What should Abby do?" Kerry asked the delinquents.
Shrugs all-round.
Kerry sighed. Carter read his script.
"Open the door…..please. Lady, are you home?"
Susan fumbled with the cardboard door.
Abby decided it was time to teach the kids a Chicago Safety lesson.
"hey kids."
"HEY!"
"If somebody's at your door, here's what you should do." The kids watched. Abby pulled a rifle from the hospitals safe keeping closet.
"Git your rifle and shoot the strangah!" she shot. A precise hit.
Susan joined in.
"See children? Abby did the right thing by shooting the stranger before he could have come in." she smiled.
"What if it was just somebody who needed help?" Pete asked.
"You can't take that chance." Abby told them. "Shoot all, save none."
"What if it was a parent?"
"They'd forgive you."
"What if it was doctor?"
"What if. What if it was a maniac with a knife who wanted to get in and tear you apart?"
"Uhb..gfghh….ahhwhahhh" Pete stuttered.
"Children, guns are fun." Susan told them. "They protect you from the crazy, hunt down your food and provide neat slogans and clubs. There would be no gun club without a gun, after all."
"This safety lesson was sponsored by The National Rifle Association of The World."
"Could somebody please help me not die?" Carter called from the ground.
"First aid lesson!" Luka jumped up. Kerry moved aside. "Carter is bleeding to death."
"I am" Carter assured.
"So, what do we do?"
"NOTHING! He's a STRANGER!" Clarissa shouted.
"No I'm not! I'm Carter!"
"Stranger!"
"Gimme a rifle!" said Reilly.
"Git the knife!" Said Bonnie.
"They've learned well." Abby nodded.
"He's not a stranger. He's a Carter." Melissa stated.
"What the hell is a Carter?" Pete asked.
"That." Melissa pointed.
"Hey kids. Hate to break up your fight, but I'm dieing here!"
Luka gave Jason, Clarissa and Natasha doctor equipment and they stood over Carter.
"He's bleeding. What do you do to fix that?" Luka asked.
"Put Pressure on the wound." Jason jumped on the wound.
"OW!" Carter yelped.
"You do put pressure on the wound."
"YAY! I'm right!"
"So what? I knew that too, I was just letting you get it first!" Natasha yelled.
"Enough. What do we do now?"
Clarissa shrugged. "Take his wallet?"
"No."
"Give him a needle?" Natasha asked.
"Sort of. Rosie, bring in some saline."
"What's that?"
"Warm liquid stuff we pump into people to keep 'em alive until their families come."
"A huh. Where?"
"Go left. Left. LEFT. No, your other left. Straight, straight, there. Pick it up. Come back. Okay good. Now Jason, put this needle in Carter's arm."
"Kay." Jason stabbed Carter. Carter often gets stabbed.
"Now Rosie, go get the oxygen tank. Hurry up."
Rosie did as she was told. At that moment, Cleo came back from her smoke break, still holding a cigarette (nobody said any of these 'doctors' was very bright)
***SPECIAL NEWS: OXYGEN IS VERY FLAMMABLE***
KABOOM!
"SAFETY LESSON!" Frank bellowed over the fire alarm. "What do you do if there's ever a fire?"
"RUN!"
"DIE!"
"Not quite." Frank said.
"Everybody get down!"
Pete and Natasha started dancing.
Carter joined them.
"What are you idiots doing?" Frank yelled.
"You told us to 'get down'. We are." Natasha reasoned, doing the hand jive.
"I'm hot!" Pete exclaimed, sliding in a dance move.
"Ew. No you're not." Natasha exclaimed.
"No really, I AM! Holy Jebus! I'm on fire!"
"You're just dancing!" Natasha brated.
"NO! I'm. ON FIRE! AHAHAHAH!" Pete ran around in circles.
"KIDS! Settle down! What should you do if you're on fire?"
"STOP DROP and ROLL!"
Pete rolled around on the IV soaked ground.
BOOM!
"AIEEE!" Susan ran towards the doorway.
"NO." Frank ordered. "What must you do first?"
"Touch it. If it's warm, it means you're trapped and are gonna die." Melissa yelled.
"Burn baby BRUN!" Bonnie exclaimed.
"And if it's cool?" Frank asked.
"You get your ass outside." Clarissa said.
"What does the door feel like Susan?" Frank asked.
"Holy Cow Frank! The flipping fire is inside with us! We need to get out!"
"Is the door hot?"
"It is not." Susan pried open the door. The people and kids all ran outside, straight into Dr. Romano. Dr. Romano surveyed the people. Singed, bleeding, sticky.
"Good safety lesson?" He asked.
"I learned how to shoot strangers!" Bonnie yelled.
"I got money!" Tawny said.
"I learned that oxygen is flipping flammable!" Trina shouted.
"I learned that these kids are all idiots." Kerry offered. "And the pediatric patients need to brush up on their bedside manner."
"Indeed." Romano got an idea. "Suppose you teach these kids about manners?"
Frank ate a donut. Abby put down the rifle. Carter stitched himself up. Luka put the oxygen tank away and Susan threw a cardboard door away.
"I guess it wouldn't be so bad." Kerry agreed.
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A/N: THE END. Now you review.