Title: "Wonder"
Author: Clannadlvr
Fandom: Hellsing (Anime)
Summary: Sometimes, in the depth of night, she wonders. (Integra one shot)
A/N: This is based off of the anime version of Hellsing, rather than the manga. Consider yourself spoiled for the whole series.
Sometimes, in the depth of night, she wonders.
She's never been given to girlish fantasies or castles of crystal conjured in dreams. Any inclinations toward frivolity and carefree imagination sputtered out like those last few bloody coughs from her father's lips, years ago. Her subconscious no longer catalogues her childhood desires; now her dreams are a place where she works through her fears over losing control of the organization she'd been willed- no, destined to run.
But occasionally, when the reports are pushed aside and that night's vampire has been turned to dust and maggots, she wonders.
What would it be like to have seemingly limitless power? Hers would need no restraints were she to take the taste- she's learned that a strong will can put the entrapments of runes and chants to shame. And she's had an audience to the feats the mind can accomplish. A spectator who concurs.
No, it wouldn't be the possible corruption the darkness might bring. It would be something far more insidious than that which haunts the very thought of even considering the offer. Enjoyment.
She's seen Seras battle it…a disgust with the self that borders so closely on pleasure. For years, her integrity has been her badge. Her calling card. And through no small coincidence on the part of her parents, her name.
No, it's not the darkness she fears. Nor the entrance of the devil into a body made to worship God in his heaven. Nor is it the power, all consuming and controlling.
She doesn't give up control that easily.
And in that deepest, darkest part of the night, she can even let the thought into her mind that it's not really the enjoyment or betrayal of her namesake that gives her fear.
It's the fear of what happens when the master becomes the mastered.
She allows herself a few moments for the panic to set it, flowing like so much black, rich, red blood, over the steps of the estate, through the cracks in the mortar and into the room, stained glassed windows blending to sepia-tinged facsimiles of their former hues. Then the fleeting thought arises, unbidden, that perhaps the next time he asks her, the answer will be…
The first light of dawn touches the windows, just a pinprick. But it's enough. One tiny point of light that arches through and clears the glass of its impediments.
The breath she didn't even know she'd held bursts from her lips, her heartbeat, oh so human, returning to normal. The dawn brings clarity and truth, and almost erases the wonderings of the depth of night.
Almost.