Disclaimer - don't anyone mentioned.
Inspired by the episode 'meaning'.
9:16
Arrive at work. Late.
They need to look at me for the right reasons. I need to be the centre of attention for the right reasons. If they're looking at my leg, it will be a bad day. Every day must begin the same way. I must be late. The more ridiculous my entrance, the more they roll their eyes, the better. Sometimes I manage to extract an incredulous groan. Occasionally, I extract several. These are the good days. These are the days in which I don't have to work to avoid their pity. You cannot feel sorry for a person if you want to wring their neck.
10:57
Whiteboard session.
The calm before the storm; the hours I usually fill continuing my campaign of asshole-ness. I often find myself wishing these dull hours away. The patient is still talking with his/her family. They are still confident enough to question us, to lie to us. It's strange how they do their best to hinder those who help them. Wait, back up there, Greg. Cameron would laugh for hours at the hypocrisy of that remark. Anyway, the patient is still being annoyingly strong-willed. Still, it all comes out in the end. One way or another. After all, for those that remain defiant in the face of death blah blah blah, there's always the threat of a huge, scary needle.
11:22
Argument with Cuddy. (First today).
She's hot. She really is. She knows I'm not listening to what she's saying. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm right. I always am. It's the one killer flaw in all her arguments. I'm always right. I always get results. We both know that she has resigned herself to the fact that I have won. The argument is merely for show. She feels that she has asserted a little of her superiority. I get to watch her get angry. Everyone's a winner. Well, spiritually. If you want to look at the situation literally, I will walk out of the office with what I want. She will sigh a lot.
12:26
Hungry. Steal Wilson's lunch.
He sighs, but he doesn't care. He pretends he sticks around out of the goodness of his heart. It's a façade. He is always there because I intrigue him. He wonders how I can survive without the warm glow of helping my fellow man daily. He does enough of that for the two of us. He is intrigued by the way I can make him feel like an idiot. That's not a feeling he's used to. Doctors never are. In a way, I provide them a service. No one likes an arrogant doctor. That is why I avoid contact with people in general.
15:09
Patient is deteriorating.
It is the first time in the day when I am truly engaged. It is a race. Not against my team. That would be dull. No, I prefer to take on death itself. That is a competition that is a little more interesting. And anyway, patients are far less obnoxious when they are unconscious. The only problem is that it isn't long until I have an idea, and that is always closely followed by…
15:42
Argument with Cameron. Ethics again.
There are different reasons why people become doctors. Some do it for the money. Some for the puzzle. Others do it for the warm glow (see above). Cameron did it for none of these reasons. Cameron became a doctor because she truly wanted to help people. The good feelings that give Wilson his life consuming high, these are a mere fortunate bonus for her. Unfortunately, this means that she is rarely comfortable with my 'end justifies the means' attitude. She will need to get over that. Eventually, she will have to take The Risk. It is the turning point in every doctor's career, life, even. They take a risk with a patient's life. A risk that they initiate and control, not their boss, and it works. Once you take The Risk, you never go back.
16:19
Risky test goes fine. Cameron somewhat quieter.
I wasn't right, but no surprise there. It was an early theory; founded on very little. Anyway, it is useful to know what to rule out, and now that we know, I can begin wondering again. This is one of the best feelings in the world. Everything seems doubly real, as I am doubly aware of it all, constantly scanning for a clue, some detail that will trigger a memory of some obscure case history or something I picked up at college. It is only a matter of time.
18:58
Patient deteriorates further.
Death is sending me a reminder. I haven't got long. I am not overly worried. That vast filing cabinet in my head is being constantly checked through. Death is also sending the patient a warning. Now all sorts of bizarre and shameful truths come tumbling out.
19:37
Argument with Cuddy. (Again).
She really does look good when she shouts. She has more resolve than earlier – she is tired, I look very arrogant, she has had to deal with two threats to sue today, and her hair is beginning to frizz. All this makes angry Cuddy, and I am the perfect person to vent rage on. I win again, however.
20:20
Epiphany time.
It is the same feeling as stepping off a roller coaster: relief, pride, and that niggling feeling of looking forward to doing it all again. Now it's time for the team to turn the inspiration into action. Cameron has helped some one, Foreman gets to realise how good this will sound in interviews, and Chase gets to look at Cameron while she looks all sexy and professional. Everyone's happy.
23:49
Alone in bed.
Of course you're not lonely. Look at all the people whose lives you influence. Never mind that they see you as a form of entertainment, and source of funny anecdotes. You don't care. You have the puzzles.