Author's Note: Okay, so this is my first real attempt to write something purely humorous and ridiculous. Please let me know what you think :)

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all related characters belong to Bioware.

"So then I - "

Tali stops mid sentence - and mid stride - as a squawking white blur flashes across the hall in front of her, vanishing as quickly as it appeared, the only evidence of the intrusion a couple of tiny feathers left floating gently to the floor.

All previous thought is driven from her mind as she stares after the tiny beast. "Wh- what was that?"

Doctor Chakwas raises her eyebrows. "I think it was a chicken."

"A chicken? What's a chi- "

Tali's voice drops off once more as Shepard and Kasumi burst through the same door from which the chicken emerged moments ago. They both glance around, looking flustered.

"Damn it! Where'd it go?" Shepard curses, shaking her hair out of her eyes.

"Commander? Was that a real, live chicken?"
"Indeed it was, Doctor," Shepard replies. "Did you see where it went?"

Chakwas waves her hand towards where the animal disappeared. "Why is there a chicken on the ship?"

"Damned if I know. Kasumi - think you can try to sneak up on it or something?"

The thief rolls her eyes. "Maybe, Shepard, but it's a lot harder to sneak up on animals than on people."

Shepard shakes her head, starting down the hall. "That's why I said 'try', Kasumi..."

The two women slip into the room indicated by Chakwas; there is a long moment of silence, then -

A dull thud and two squeals of pain sound from the room.

"Son of a bitch!"

Shepard's frustrated shout is followed by an angrily screeching chicken speeding out of the room and out of sight once more. As Tali and Chakwas watch, Shepard and Kasumi trudge back into the hall looking distinctly foul-tempered.

Shepard narrows her eyes as she massages the side of her head. "I think we need a new plan."

...

"Skrawk!"

Garrus whips around looking for the source of the strange noise, but the main battery seems deserted. He shrugs and turns his attention back to his calibrations; seconds later movement in the doorway catches his eye and he looks over his shoulder to see Shepard creeping in on her hands and knees.

"Shep-"

"Shhh!"

"But -"

"Shhh!"

Garrus watches, bewildered, as Shepard crawls forward and peeks around the edge of the main gun.

"Ba-kawk!"

Shepard falls backward, arms flailing, as a mass of white feathers shoots past her and back out of the battery; cursing loudly, Shepard stumbles to her feet and tears after it.

Shocked and confused, it takes a few seconds before Garrus regains control of his motor functions and trails curiously after Shepard and the little white thing. He finds the mess hall in an uproar. Shepard is still swearing; Miranda is shouting; Tali is standing by the counter, wringing her hands nervously; Jacob looks torn between frustration and amusement; and Samara is off to the side, surveying the scene with folded arms and a raised eyebrow.

And in the middle of it all is Kasumi chasing a fat little white bird around the table.

Garrus has to raise his voice to be heard over the din. "Shepard? What the hell?"

"There's a damn chicken loose on my damn ship!"

Sure, Garrus thinks. That clears it right up.

The bird lets out a particularly loud squawk and takes off, weaving between the limbs of various crew members as they either try to snatch it up or leap out of its way. Shepard once again runs after it, Kasumi and Jacob on her heels; they return moments later, having lost sight of the creature.

"How does that little bastard keep disappearing?" Shepard asks no one in particular, as she sinks down into a chair and drops her head onto the table with a loud thunk.

...

For the next couple of days chaos reigns supreme on the Normandy as the chicken continues to elude capture, despite the best efforts of the crew. No one seems to know how it came to be aboard in the first place, either. As a result, Shepard has become fairly short-tempered.

"I failed, Battlemaster. I could not catch the annoying little beast."

Shepard squeezes her eyes shut and pinches the bridge of her nose, trying to keep her temper in check, as sounds of chicken-related bedlam drift in through the open door.

"That's alright, Grunt," she manages. "You did your best."

"What is the purpose of such a creature?" asks the krogan. "It seems much too small for any practical use."

Shepard sighs softly. "They lays eggs. We eat the eggs. We also eat the birds themselves."

Laughing loudly, Grunt shakes his head. "But they are so tiny!"

Shepard opens her mouth to respond, but the words die in her throat as the unmistakable sound of Jack swearing angrily cuts through the ship. Rolling her eyes, Shepard stomps down the stairs to the former convict's little hidey-hole.

"What the fuck, Shepard!?"

"Jack, whatever it is, I don't have the patience right now," Shepard snaps irritably as she rounds the corner.

Jack is standing in the middle of her living space, glaring at her bed as if it personally offended her. Coming to stand next to her Shepard turns her gaze to the bed, looking for whatever pissed off Jack. It doesn't take long to find. There, nestled in a cozy-looking pile of blankets, is a tiny white egg.

All at once, Shepard's bad mood evaporates and she finds herself fighting back laughter; she snorts and Jack glares.

"This shit isn't funny, Shepard."

Collecting herself, Shepard nods. "Right. I'll deal with this, Jack. Just give me some time."

...

Two hours later the chicken is finally locked safely in a cage in Mordin's lab, after Shepard, Kasumi and Jacob set a trap for it in Jack's quarters. The salarian is currently staring at the bird with his head cocked to the side and a thoughtful expression on his face; though relieved that the chicken is no longer running amok, Shepard still doesn't have it in her to listen to Mordin's rambling, and so she sneaks out while he's preoccupied.

Meanwhile on the flight deck, Joker sits in the pilot's seat watching a vid screen with an amused smirk on his face.

"Do you find something amusing, Jeff?"

Chuckling, the pilot closes the video feed. "It's nothing, EDI."

There is a short pause. "In that case, shall I assume you would prefer I not inform Commander Shepard that it was you who caused the chaos of the past few days?"

Joker's face pales slightly. "It was just a harmless prank."

"Somehow, Jeff, I do not predict Shepard would agree with you."

"Please don't tell her."

If EDI could project emotion, her voice would have been very amused indeed as she replied. "Do not worry, Jeff. I have no desire to see the commander cause you physical harm."