Falling

165 days. That's how long it had been since Hazel Grace Lancaster died in the Intensive Care Unit at Children's Hospital. All the obituaries said she died a peaceful death and that she was in a better place now, but Augustus knew that was all bull shit. He knew there was nothing peaceful about slowly drowning from the inside out in fluids your own body is producing. He knew the pain and anxiety that comes with fighting your own cells every damn day. Yeah. The obituaries and messages on her Facebook wall would commend her for being a Fighter, as if chronic, whole-body agony and inevitable death was something everyone should aspire to achieve, as if she could do anything but fight to breathe every minute of her goddamn life. But sure, high-schoolers who had one intermediate Spanish class with Hazel freshman year and hadn't seen her since, keep praising her for being a Fighter!

The first few months after losing Hazel had been the hardest for Augustus, especially since he still had to deal with his own cancer. Hazel had died in the midst of his worst week when everyone, including Hazel, thought he was going to bite it. That was when his primary doctor found out about a risky new experimental cancer drug that was only up for trial with patients who were considered already dead. This was so that the scientists behind the drug couldn't feel too bad when their trial patients kicked the bucket. Grim, huh? Amazingly, the drug worked wonders for Augustus, and his cancer mostly receded after only three months. What a miracle. They find a possible cure for cancer just as the love of your life dies, and now you get to sit around for the rest of your life thinking about what could have been if they would have just been able to drain her lungs and she had been able to try the Miracle Drug.

Thankfully, Isaac had been by Augustus's side for the past six months to help him cope with the pain of losing Hazel. Augustus was there to help Isaac too. After all, Isaac and Hazel had grown pretty close through their shared love of Augustus, so Isaac lost a friend when Hazel died too. And he was still learning how to be blind on top of it all. Their friendship was the only thing keeping the two teens from breaking down at some points, and when one of them did break down, the other was always there to help put the pieces back together. Although the Miracle Drug helped push most of his cancer into remission, Augustus's doctors still weren't comfortable with him going places in public much due to risk of infections from all the people and their germs. This meant that the boys spent most of their time together watching/listening to movies and playing video games made for people lacking in the vision department.

Augustus had always enjoyed the time he spent with Isaac, but lately had been feeling something more towards his friend than usual. He had come to the conclusion years ago that he was attracted to both sexes, but he had only ever been with Caroline and Hazel. That fact made his feelings for Isaac uncharted territory, and he felt like he was exploring without a map. After all, he didn't even know if Isaac would ever be attracted to another guy. The only times they had talked about relationships and love was in the context of Caroline, Monica, or Hazel. All girls. Still, there were moments when he felt something between them, and he was sure must have Isaac felt it too from the way his breath hitched or how his face flushed. Augustus was thinking of all these things while he sat on Isaac's bedroom futon playing an escape room video game that day.

Computer: "You have two minutes left to find a way out of the room."

Isaac groaned and said, "We've been playing this game for three hours and have not once came close to escaping this damn room. Either we suck, or whoever invented this game was too dumb to create a way out."

Augustus shook his head and said, "Wow dumb and blind. Maybe they're the new Helen Keller. And speak for yourself on the sucking part. Computer, approach payphone and enter the numbers: 42679."

Computer: "Code entered. *clicking noise* Lock is dismantled. Door opened. Congratulations."

Isaac raised his eyebrows and looked in Augustus's direction. "Where did you even get those numbers from?" he asked.

"Oh, when you went to the bathroom, I found a slip of paper with them in a coat pocket in the wardrobe," he answered.

"And you didn't bother to tell me? That was also like ten minutes ago. Did you really not think to try that until we had 15 seconds left?" Isaac questioned.

"No of course I thought of it as soon as I found the paper, but a close finish is just so much more exciting," Augustus said with a smirk.

"You really are the worst," Isaac teased.

"Oh yeah," Augustus said, "Then why do you invite me over here nearly every day?"

Isaac shifted on the couch and replied, "The more time I spend with you, the more I question that."

"I've been suspecting that you've been using me for my looks," Augustus joked, now hyper-aware of Isaac's leg pressing against his all the way down to where his knee once was.

Isaac's hand fumbled for the remote but landed in Augustus's lap instead.

With a sharp inhale of breath, Augustus said, "Well, I am single now and completely irresistible, but you really need to take me on a grand European vacation or at least buy me dinner first."

Isaac chuckled at his friend and withdrew his hand. "You know you equating romance to expensive, material things really is a turn off," Isaac uttered in an attempt to shift the subject.

But Augustus noticed how Isaac's breathing hitched during that laugh, no matter how much Isaac tried to prevent the sound from escaping his mouth. Just as Augustus was about to question his friend's behavior, Isaac's bedroom door swung open to reveal Augustus's mom. Augustus had been doing much better since he started the new treatment, but his parents still weren't comfortable with him driving on his own, which meant his mom was acting as his chauffer to and from Isaac's house, doctor's appointments, and meetings with his tutor for all the school he had missed. At the sound of the door opening, the two boys scooted away from each other on the futon.

"Sorry sweetie, but we have to go. We promised your sister we would meet her at her house for dinner at 6, and it's 5:30," she explained, a knowing smile spreading across her face.

Augustus quickly rose from his spot and bid an awkward goodbye to Isaac, realizing that he couldn't keep his hidden feelings chained inside of him much longer.

Several days passed before Augustus saw Isaac again. During this time, his mother inexplicably put up an Encouragement over the TV saying, "Love is beautiful in all its forms." He suspected that was his mom's "subtle" way of telling him that she knew about his feelings for Isaac and supported him. While the Encouragements had always rubbed him the wrong way, he accepted them because he knew it helped his parents cope with his illness, and he could never tell them to take down one of the only things that helped them through such a shitty situation. This one in particular, though, bothered him more than normal. Sure, he appreciated her support, and he knew that was more than a lot of people got from their parents, but her passive way of showing him was irritating. He supposed his mom was waiting for him to approach her about the topic to actually verbally acknowledge it, but he preferred to avoid relationship conversations with parents, as most teens do.

When he eventually asked his mom to drive him to Isaac's house, she gave him an appraising look and tossed him the car keys while saying, "We talked to your doctors, and they agree that you're ready to drive again."

Augustus grinned and immediately headed towards the door.

"Not too far! And be back before it gets dark!" he could hear his mom shout after him.

He got in his SUV and adjusted the seat, reveling in the freedom of having a car to himself again. All the way to Isaac's, he smiled and blasted The Hectic Glow.

When he arrived about 10 minutes later, Isaac was waiting in living room with a book in his lap, running his fingers along the pages. Augustus shut the door behind him and sunk into the couch next to his friend.

"That looks like quite a sophisticated novel," Augustus said after snatching the book from Isaac and looking at the title: Learning Braille: Grade 2.

Isaac let out an indignant grunt and mumbled, "My mom is making me learn so I can be more 'self-sufficient.' But this stupid fucking book," he raised his voice and his arm, book in hand, "doesn't make any sense," he finished as he swung his arm and let the book sail across the room, making an audible thud as it collided with the wall.

Augustus sighed and put his arm around his companion's shoulders, which were softly shaking with quiet sobs.

"I'll help you. The book has the words printed below the braille ones," said Augustus, attempting to comfort his frustrated friend. He got up to retrieve the book from the floor and sat back down on the couch, closer to Isaac than before, book in tow.

So for what seemed like hours, Isaac ran his fingers along the pages, verbalizing what he thought the words he felt were saying. If he was wrong, Augustus would gently grasp his hand and guide his fingers over the words again while reading to him. When they got to the last page, Isaac turned to Augustus suddenly and said, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

"That's a weird thing for a children's braille book to say," Augustus responded.

A strangled noise escaped Isaac's lips before Augustus let out a good-natured laugh and Isaac realized he was joking. "Do you ruin every moment you've ever been in in your life, you arrogant prick?" Isaac asked, clearly exasperated.

Augustus shifted on the sofa and leaned forward until his breath was tickling Isaac's face. "Only the ones that make me feel something," he replied, closing the limited space between them and allowing his lips to brush Isaac's lightly.

"You're sure you want to do this?" he asked Isaac.

"More than anything," Isaac replied, his voice trembling slightly.

"I was just worried because I mean I never even knew if you would like me since you've never talked about if you have feelings for other guys like that and I just—," Augustus rambled, tripping over his words.

"Oh just shut up and kiss me again," Isaac demanded. And so he did. Over and over.

"Do you really think she would be okay with this?" Augustus asked Isaac while he absentmindedly played with the newly grown grass around the tombstone inscribed 'Hazel Grace Lancaster: Loving Daughter and Friend.'

It was now the six-month anniversary of Hazel's death, and the two teens made the half-hour drive to the cemetery to visit her together. It had only been a couple weeks since the two admitted their feelings to each other, but they were gracefully, albeit slowly, growing into the unfamiliar territory.

Isaac let out a nearly inaudible sigh. "Well, she actually talked to me about this when you were doing really bad," Isaac said. Augustus gave him an incredulous look and didn't say anything, so Isaac continued, "She came over one day after being with you. We were talking about losing you, and she said she didn't know if she would ever be able to love anyone after you—since you were the star-crossed love of her life and all. I told her that I was sure you wouldn't want her to be haunted by your memory for the rest of her life—that you would want her to be happy after you passed, even if it meant being with someone else. She said she wasn't sure, but when I asked her what she would want for you if the roles were reversed, she agreed that she would want you to move on when you were ready."

Augustus was laying on his back now, parallel to the still visible mound in the grass, staring at the cloudless blue sky. After several minutes of thinking through what Isaac said, he said, "I really miss her."

"I really do too," Isaac replied.

The pair spent what felt like an eternity in silence, thinking about Hazel and reveling in their own memories of her. When the sun began to set, Isaac reached where he thought Augustus's hand was, missing by several inches. Augustus chuckled and grabbed Isaac's hand from where it was now resting in the lawn and brought it to his lips to place a soft kiss on his palm.

"I wonder if I'll ever get a handle on this whole blind romance thing," Isaac pondered.

A smile spread across Augustus's lips, and he sighed, "Oh, love. You already do."