Randomly place British gamer 1!

by unknowngamer000

this is the story of an AVGN parody gal, who is very MUCH like AVGN... lol.

The Randomly Placed British Gamer

In…

BGA

Gamer: At last, we have the recent British Gamer Adventures, also produced by Yolo Games, developed by Freak 1 Games, and officially endorsed by me. Which means, I better check it out, make sure they didn't frigg it up.

Gamer: In the intro, I get pulled into the TV by my Hair. Story of my life. Next thing, I'm inside an 8-bit platformer getting nagged by Navi, the patronising firefly. Press A to jump? Thanks. "You're a frigging genius! Now leave me alone, you darn helluva sprite!" My 8-bit self says it all.

Gamer: After that tutorial, we get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest BGA game yet. I'm using an Jbox controller and the controls feel a 100% fluid. There is no doubt about it, this is a legitimate side-scroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. You don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so frigging awesome?

Gamer: You can play as hidden characters, like the Rotten Buffalo Nerd, is that guy dead again? (Referring to Banjo Guy appearing as a skeleton in-game.), and Joe. ... Who the frigg is Joe? I don't know anyone like that. Not to mention, there's lots of hidden cameos, see if you can find 'em. There's also powerups like SUPA DUPA DIE CARL, which obliterates everything, and the Glitch Goblin, who makes everything go lolz.

Gamer: You know, I've heard a lot of people say this game is very difficult, but I'm not having any trouble with it. I mean, c'mon, it's MY game! I'm the Friggin' Gamer!

(The BG Adventures characters die over and over again, as the Gamer gets progressively frustrated.)

Gamer: Okay, whoever came up with this is- (The in-game Gamer's text says: "Whoever came up with this level is a helluva APPLE!") -exactly. They read my mind, they're an apple! This means the apple who made this game acknowledged that they're an apple, and that I called them an apple! You apple.

Gamer: Great, do I really need to be reminded of Golden Surfer again? Why does everything look like a frog? Oh, no, not the where'd-you-learn-to-fly NOOB! Then, there's the happy land where everything is smiling. No matter where I die, or how I die, there's always one of these things makin' fun of me! (Smiling, happy-faced sun-faces are bouncing all over the level. The Gamer stares at them spitefully.)

Gamer: The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try Dungeons & Derps. (In-game Gamer descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap with lasers, sharks, volcanos, lava, and bombs! The Gamer is horrified!) Now, this is going too far! THIS IS SO- What were they THINKING?!

Gamer: What THE FRIGGING HELL? No way. They didn't... It's Master Glove. It's as big as a Spaceship, how did it get in this game? It just barged right in, like a Spaceship crashing into a harbor. It's taking so many hits, like bullets on a Spaceship. It's a flying Spaceship!

Gamer: This isn't the first time Master glove appeared in a video game, it was also in another Freak 1 game based on another terrible movie: BOMBS: The Hands of Fate. So, it begs the question: When will the Giant Claw strike again? Hmmm.

Gamer: I don't know…

Gamer: The next is a level based entirely on the Atari Geeky games. Who would do that?! Don't look, Geeks! Then, there's Transylvania, it's as if you took all the things that were frustrating about the Castlevania games and the Megamax games, and put them all together! The biggest obstacles are these Death Blocks: you touch 'em, you die. It's all about getting these patterns down, and there's hardly any room to mess up. Ugh, undershot it. AUGH, overshot it! You think there's enough Death Blocks?!

Gamer: Then, there's Blizzard of Pewp, a Christmas snow level. Nothing says "Christmas", like PEWPING RAVENS! The best part is killing Frosty, and using his body as a sled. On the polar opposite: we have the Hell level: Thy Pewps Consumed, where you fight Pewp zombies. You ride on a shark shooting lasers! ... This is ridiculous. Then, of course, you fight the Pewp King himself!

Gamer: And don't you love the intentional typos? "Conglaturation!", is that the new, hip way to spell it? Is what the kids are doing now?! The remaining level is: Boom! Airship Level. You have to play the whole level in tunnel vision, and this is where they get really get carried away with the Death Blocks! Even when you know it's there, it's still hard not to touch it! Oh, WHAT?! Oh for Frigging... Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh God! Oh, oh God! I-AIUHM, frigg!

Gamer: After you've conquered all the stages, one last, final stage appears: Creepy Smilin' Ghosts, the bane of my existence! This is deliberately designed to be one of the most unfair stages in video game history. For example: You have to shoot this gear to make the platform move, but then, you're killed by the Death Block. So, you have to jump faster than your own bullet. And, after that, more Death Blocks appear out of nowhere! Meanwhile, there's all kinds of Pewp, flying everywhere!

Gamer: There's not one stable spot to stand to catch your breath. You gotta keep movin', you don't even have time to think! Look at this: LOOK AT ALL THESE FRIGGING DEATH BLOCKS! I hate 'em! I hate 'em as much as the hell-faced Medusa heads in Castlevania! Or the grass in Bill and Max. Every game has its thing, and this ones' thing: IS TO MAKE ME ANGRY! It was made to MAKE... ME... ANGRY!

Gamer: And at the heart of it all, the final boss: my arch-nemesis. It's... IT'S... Justin O'neil. It's the programmer Helluva Guy Justin O'Neil! (spelled "Justin O'Speil" on the screen) ...Finally, I get to kick his PEWP! Yeah, I HATE YOU, Justin O'neil! URGH! WHO CARES, Justin O'Neil! AHHHHHHH! Got him!

Gamer: (He blows a heavy sigh of relief.) Feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once! And now others are playing it... because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences! It's all my fault! WHY THIS GAME!?

(The Gamer flashes back to the abuse he inflicted on previous games. He moves in to strangle the Keyboard 99, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Gamer types on the keyboard and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key.)

Gamer: Take That! YEAAAH!

HOW TO BEAT FINAL LEVEL: Creepy Smilin' Ghosts

Go past the Ghost beam when it clears and crouch under the second fireball

(or Ghostball) to avoid the missile. Watch out for spike on the next block

and a loose block after it. You'll need to time it that you can jump when the

flames are clear. Just hold jump up when the spikes pop out if you need more

time. Jump on the flame block when it's clear from the loose block and time

the flames before jumping again from the loose block below. Jump off the

vertical flame block to the Gray rings and watch out for the Rocket. Jump

each ring to the checkpoint up ahead. The block below the checkpoint is loose

so wait for the flame to jump and ignore the Rockets. Stand on the block

between two skull blocks and wait for the beam to clear before dumping on the

loose block next to the skull block. Let it fall and jump to the platform

below. Use 'Banjo Guy' to shoot through the blocks at the Flamed shark before

going over. The block on the left of the vertical beam is loose so time the

beams then jump onto that block then to the one to the right of it. The blocks

near the beam and skull blocks are loose as well. Time the beam as usual and

jump onto these blocks and over the skull blocks while not landing too close to

the flames. Jump when it's clear and use the checkpoint. Switch to 'Joe' and

stand in front of the skull blocks. Draw the skull closer and swipe it. Switch

back to 'Gamer' and immediately after you shoot jump over the skull blocks. Fire

again to boost the platform then shoot the remaining skulls or switch to 'Joe'

and let them come to you so you can easily swipe them. Keep the platform moving

by hitting the Gear and use 'Gamer' to shoot back at the Gear from the far right

of the platform so that if you shoot continuously the two platform will touch

each other. There will be invisible skull blocks that suddenly appear so be

prepared to jump twice. Move to the right platform and while it moves jump

over a single skull block, then over a pair , and move then under the last two.

Use the checkpoint and go right on the ghost blocks when it's clear. Head up

and jump over the skull block and over another one as you go right. Stay on the

ghost blocks while firing at the enemy. The blocks in front of the Red ghost

block are loose. After disposing of the enemy jump on the green ghost blocks to

begin moving right. Jump immediately over the skull block and follow the blocks

as it goes up toward more skull blocks. You won't touch the high skull block so

just follow and jump over the next skull block and beside it as it passes under

it and then down. When you go down jump up to avoid the Ghostball then over

the skull block to the left when the ghost blocks start moving left, then up

and right. Jump again to avoid the Laser and go right, jumping over more

skull blocks and onto the checkpoint. Switch to 'Joe' if you like and time

the toggle blocks to go through. First wait until the red block appears AFTER

the orange block above it disappears. After the red block jump to the yellow

block that will appear under the orange block. Jump up toward the right to the

blue block. Jump the Grey rings and land on the block where the flame shark

is. Two toggle blocks appear on the right so just stand on the block jumping

over the shark or use 'Gamer' to jump shoot down at the shark to kill it until

the lower block appears. Jump on that, and jump up again to reach the second

toggle block and to the safe blocks. If you haven't killed the shark yet just

aim down at it from here. You see toggling platforms around skull blocks. Jump

over them using the platforms and get the checkpoint. Get on the green springy

platforms and jump over the columns of skull blocks. Just jump from the highest

point to get over to the other side. The third column has orange skull blocks

so just wait until it's clear. Land on the checkpoint, and up ahead are stacks

of skull blocks that toggle. I used 'Joe' to get through this. Just time it

and move quickly to the safe areas. Don't hold the jump too long when you try

to go up. From the ledge go right to the next ledge and wait until it's clear

to go down. The red skull blocks down here toggle faster so be quick to reach

the checkpoint. The row of blocks after the checkpoint are loose, and ghost

skull blocks are in the way. And Fireballs come at you near the end. When you

go right the sequence is over, under, over, over, over, under and over the

last skull block. Just crouch to avoid the second Fireball on the ghost blocks.

Watch out for the beams in front of you and go to the next ghost blocks when

it's clear. Three pairs of skull blocks are in the way when you use the pink

platform. Shoot the Gear and it's over, under then over to the next platform.

Don't shoot the next Gear too much as it will launch you straight onto another

pair of skull blocks. As soon as you move enough jump onto the loose block

behind the skull blocks and then to the checkpoint. Jump over the skull block

and wait for the orange skull blocks to clear before shooting the Gear and

jumping over more skull blocks. Jump over the Ghost and wait for the flames

to clear before moving ahead. Crouch on the lower block to avoid the Ghost

ball and move over to the ghost blocks while dodging the missile. There will be

a path of ghost blocks under the two flame blocks to the other ones. Duck

under the missile before going up. Wait on the last two ghost blocks and time

the beams before reaching the checkpoint. Jump on the Missle and stay near

the upper area since the Flame shark will always stay low. Dodge the Ghosts,

Darleks, skull blocks and shoot the flying skulls and Dragons. After you reach

the checkpoint there will be spikes and beams. Go past those and past the red

skull blocks quickly to land in the final boss stage.

BOSS: Justin O'neil

The culprit of this trash game is no one other than the blandly named "Justin O'Speil",

THE programmer and apparent nemesis of 'Gamer' who doesn't seem to know

him because even he didn't think such a name existed. The stage has two Soda

bottles on spike blocks, five pairs of ghost blocks at the bottom and one each

beside each spike block.

Justin flies around in a jetpack, swooping in a "V" pattern and throwing Poke-balls

at you. The Poke-balls go low and high at times. I used 'Banjo Guy' and

stayed in the middle block to shoot Justin as he swoops low. I think when he

swoops low to the left side the Poke-ball come at you low, and when he swoops to

the right, the fireball come at you high. Jump and crouch to avoid them. After

he takes some damage he will have Flaming Chickens around him. Only 'Banjo Guy'

can shoot through his spikes so use him. He'll repeat the same pattern just

crouch when he swoops near you. After inflicting more damage (a litle over

half) it will cause him to have a SEIZIER (at this point,

turning the sound off won't detract whatever value this game has left, if it

even had any)! He will sway back and forth at the top from one end to the other

dropping Pewp. Some things you can try: either stay in the middle, aim up to

shoot him when he passes and dodge or stay on a ghost block beside any spike

block and use 'Banjo Guy' to shoot through Justin and moving down to dodge any

Pewp then back up to continue shooting at him. Rapidly tapping the fire button

also helps. If you're low on bottles grab them while you can. Once his health

drops less than two-thirds he will start swinging a chained Flame. He moves in

the usual infinity (sideways eight) shape pattern at the top. Stand on the

spike or ghost block to shoot him with 'Banjo Guy' and when he gets close

step down while avoiding his Flames. Dodge and when he passes go back up top

to continue shooting him. As his death nears he will use two chained Flames to

swing at you. If you're lucky and he's on the other side when it happens just

keep shooting him from the ghost or spike block to finish him off. Once he

explodes Game Land begins to fall apart sending you back to the real world.

Conglaturation, you finally beat the game. And apparently, only nerds would

DARE play this game again while it takes an idiot to go through it first.