Okay another new fic. Just a one shot. Thanks very much to Amy who noticed my error... lol... hope you like. Plz read and review (if you want to)
Love Leanne xxx
Dear Sam...
Dear Sam,
This is without a doubt the hardest letter I've ever had to write but I just wanted to let you know how much I love you one last time, even if I can't say it in person. You mean the world to me, you always have done and you always will do no matter what.
From the very first time I laid eyes on you I knew that I was in love with you and that you were the person I would spend the rest of my life with, even if it took me a while to admit that to myself.
I'll be honest here, okay. When you first arrived at Sun Hill, in my eyes you were a pretentious, self-righteous bitch who liked to be in control. But as time went on I saw another side to you. I saw the funny, gorgeous irresistable side to you… it was damn near impossible for me not to fall in love with you.
I never in a million years thought someone like you would ever fall for someone like me. Before I met you I was in a pretty bad way. You helped me to turn my life around…get back on track and for that I'll always be grateful. I owe you so much Sam; I'll never be able to thank you enough.
You've been there for me during some of the worst times of my life, in the tunnel with Dennis Weaver, when Chrissie told me she was taking Maddy away to name but a couple. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. You're one in a million, one of the two most special people in my world and I'm so glad I never settled for any other woman because when I found you, I truly found the person I was meant to be with for life.
The best decision that we ever made was 4 Christmases ago when I asked you to marry me and you said yes. Our wedding day was the most amazing day of my life without a doubt. I'll never forget that wonderful feeling, when I saw you walking down the aisle towards me. I kept thinking that it was all a dream and that if I thought you were beautiful on our first 'date' then I hadn't seen anything until I saw you in that dress. You looked totally amazing in that dress and I can't tell you how proud I was to be marrying you.
That day and all of the days that followed it were perfect, as long as you were around. I can honestly say that I've had the time of my life with you and I've never once felt sad around you.
A year ago, on our wedding anniversary, you gave me the best Christmas present anyone can ever wish for. You gave me our beautiful daughter, Ella May. That first night when we took her home from the hospital and we sat up and watched her sleep was another one of the proudest moments of my life.
I write this letter to you on our daughter's first birthday. I have been ill for eight and a half months now and I'm not sure how much time I have left. I just want you to know that you and Ella are the only reasons for me to wake up each morning. Every day I wake up, and seeing you beside me makes me smile. As I write this I know my time with you is limited. Whether I live another three weeks or thirty years, the amount of time I spend with you will never be enough. I swear it is impossible to spend too much time with you. I know just lately I rely on you for everything though and for that I'm sorry.
As you know that these past few months have been a struggle for me. I'm not saying that they haven't been difficult for you…(I know it hasn't been a picnic) but I'm just trying to say how I feel. The hardest part of my illness hasn't been the radiotherapy… the drugs… the constant trips back and forth to the hospital – although they haven't exactly helped. The hardest parts though are watching Ella – knowing that I'll never get to see her grow up, and watching you deal with what's happening. I'm trying to be tough and brave for you because I know you need me to be. But the truth is Sam I'm falling apart inside; at night I need you to make me feel safe. I'm scared of everything that's happening to me. Everything's moving so fast…
It hurts writing this next part down, and I know it'll probably hurt you just as much reading it but I don't want you to put this letter down until you have read it completely. When I'm gone, I want you to move on. I want you to find someone else. Ella needs two parents and you both need someone to love. I'm not saying start hitting on someone at my funeral but you know what I mean…wait until you're ready… They should preferably not be as handsome, or nowhere near as good in bed as I am… but yeah…anyway. Seriously though, you don't have to worry about what I would think. If they're the one then you'll know. It's not fair of me to ask you to be on your own for the rest of your life. You deserve only the best, and I want you to be happy – or as happy as you can be. Make the most of your life because if there's anything that this has taught me, it's that you never know how much time you've got left.
Just do me one favour though. Don't let Ella forget about me. I want her to know who her 'daddy' was and how much she meant to him. Tell her every day that I love her very much, I always will and that I miss her. When she's old enough I want you to tell her all about me (I trust your judgement that you'll leave out the bad stuff, and by that I mean the stuff I did that wasn't very smart… okay the stuff that made me seem like the jerk I used to be), I just don't want her getting the wrong impression of me.
So this is it baby. Til death do us part and all. Keep my gravestone looking nice, and bring Ella to visit me occasionally. Know that I'll always be looking down on my girls. I'll be watching and waiting for you. Remember, life is the most precious gift you can have, so I want you to make the most of it. Know that I'll always love you and Ella-May more than you'll ever know, and nothing…not even death will sever that. Hope the rest of your life is as wonderful as you deserve. It's not like this is goodbye forever though, I know I'll see you again some day, in wherever it is you go on to when you die…
All my love to you and Ella forever and ever and always,
Phil x x x x