Random Idiocy at the Smash Mansion
This is my second Super Smash Brothers story. I am writing this so I have something to do while waiting for people to review my other story. My other story is serious, however, this is meant to be funny (If it isn't funny, it is probably because of my weird sense of humor).
Chapter One
It was late in the afternoon when Ike arrived at Smash Manor by way of dimensional portal (What? I don't know how they get there!). He headed to the registration desk to check in. A few of the other new recruits had already checked in, and the clerk registered Ike and sent the swordsman on his way to the mess hall. On his way, Ike spotted a pink ball with shoes charging through the halls, screaming "Food!" at the top of it's rather high-pitched voice. Ike figured the pink ball was on it's way to the dining hall, and followed it in the hopes that it would lead him to his goal.
Sure enough, the puffball had led him truly. Ike entered a huge dining hall, and headed towards the cafeteria line to get his dinner. The food was very, very good and soon the swordsman had eaten more than was really good for him.
"Food?" came the voice from somewhere next to Ike. The swordsman looked around, but saw no one. Then he looked down. The pink...creature he had followed to reach the mess hall stared up at him with innocent eyes.
"Food?" it asked again.
"Uhh...sure." Ike said, giving it some of the food he was unable to finish. Before his astounded eyes, the puffball literally inhaled the food.
"I Kirby!" the puffball loudly informed Ike. "You friend!" Kirby darted off, presumably in search of more food. Ike just sat there, pondering his strange encounter. Suddenly he heard a yell.
"Get offa me you little glutton," rang out through the room, followed by a scream remarkably like Kirby's. Ike, not wanting to abandon the only being to talk to him since his arrival, hurried to find out exactly what the screaming was all about. When he arrived at the general vicinity of the yells, Kirby saw him and came running. The puffball promptly hid behind Ike's leg, trembling.
"What's wrong?" Ike asked. Kirby could only point. Ike looked up...into the eyes of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her long golden hair was pulled back in a ponytail, with two locks of hair left to fall forward in front of her ears. Her blue-grey eyes captivated the viewer, drawing attention to her lovely face. Her perfect figure was clad in a light blue jumpsuit. (If the description sounds retarded, it is because I am very bad at describing anything) Only one thing marred the vision of beauty before Ike: a rather dangerous-looking gun was drawn and pointed directly at the pink ball cowering behind Ike's leg.
"Hey, what's with the gun?" Ike asked.
"This bottomless pit on legs tried to steal my food!" she replied heatedly. "It's not the first time either. He always tries to steal food from the rest of us." Ike looked at Kirby.
"I hungry!" the puffball squeaked. Ike sighed. This was obviously going to be harder than he thought. Kirby did not seem to understand that people were offended when their food was stolen.
"Kirby," Ike said patiently, "if you're hungry, just come get me and I'll get some for you."
"Yay!" Kirby squeaked, and charged headlong off to parts unknown, spilling large amounts of food onto Marth's head (Ha ha!-Nelson Muntz) and crashing into several walls along the way, finally smashing through one of them with a wooden hammer and getting into a hammer war with the Ice Climbers, leaving Ike at a table with an extremely hot girl.
"Hey," her voice called Ike's attention away from the direction the manic puffball had taken.
"I'm Samus Aran." she said.
"Wow. That Kirby's a handful." Ike said, slightly in shock.
"Oh, he's not all bad," Samus told him. "He's just..."
"An ADHD 6-year-old on a sugar rush and caffeine." broke in an anthropomorphic fox a few seats down.
"Can't argue with that," Ike replied.
"I'm Fox McCloud," the fox informed him.
Suddenly Ike felt himself shouldered aside by a muscular man in a blue spandex suit and a red helmet.
"Hey there, Samus," he said, leaning onto the table.
"Leave, pervert," she snapped. The change in her attitude was marked. Where before she had been open and friendly, she had immediately changed to cold and unwelcoming at the sight of the other Smasher. Captain Falcon was unperturbed, flashing her a smile and blinding all in view with the light from his incredibly white teeth, much to the distress of Fox, Samus, Link, Mario, and Falco. Captain Falcon seized the opportunity to grab one of Samus's boobs and then run like hell. But if Samus was blinded, Ike was not. The swordsman didn't think. He just acted. Ike lunged, his fist crashing into Captain Falcon's stomach. Faster than the eye could follow, the swordsman laid the offender out on the ground, Ragnell's (Ike's sword) tip at his throat.
"Where I come from, disrespecting a lady like that would give me every right to take your life," he hissed. "However, I don't know the customs of this land, so I will defer to the lady." Turning to Samus, Ike said "My lady, his life is in your hands. You decide whether he lives or dies."
Samus pondered the question. Captain Falcon had been harassing her ever since they had arrived at Smash Manor, and though she had gained some relief by beating the crap out of him whenever necessary, Ike's more permanent solution had a lot of appeal. However, she knew that Master Hand would not be happy about the death of a Smasher, even one as useless as Falcon.
"Spare him," the bounty hunter told Ike. Ike removed his blade from the terrified Captain Falcon's neck. The Captain left in a hurry.
"Thank you," Samus said, flashing Ike a smile that lit up the whole room. "And," she said slyly, "A lady should reward her brave protector." She stepped closer to Ike, put her hands on his shoulders, stepped up, and kissed his cheek. Her lips burned like fire on his skin. For the second time that day, Ike lost all awareness of the world around him.
Ike's trance was broken when a heavy claw descended upon the dazed swordsman's shoulder.
"You botherin' Samus?" a deep voice growled behind him. Ike turned around to see a massive creature with a green shell on it's back, a spiked collar around it's neck, spiked arm and leg bands, yellow scales, and a face that was somewhere between a demon's and a dragon's.
Samus groaned.
"It's okay, Bowser," she informed the King of the Koopas. "He just beat up Captain Falcon for me."
"What!" snarled Bowser. "Has that jackass been bothering you again?!"
"Unfortunately, yes," the bounty hunter said. "Ike took care of him for me. I'll tell you about it later. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think a walk in the garden will help me relax." Samus left, to pursue the aforementioned walk.
Bowser growled and lumbered off.
"Hey." a blond swordsman dressed in green said. "I'm Link," the elven-looking warrior introduced himself. "Come sit with us. A friend of Samus is a friend of ours."
"She doesn't make friends easily," Fox whispered confidentially, only to be punched in the ribs by Falco. The two pilots started furiously poking each other.
"Ignore the idiots," Link muttered.
Smash Manor Garden
Samus was walking through the garden. The scents of nature had always calmed her down for some reason. Just as she was getting nice and relaxed, she felt a pair of hands on her ass.
Samus reacted quickly, kicking back and up. She heard a grunt of pain and turned around to see a blue anthropomorphic hedgehog on the ground in a fetal position, holding his balls. She bent down and grabbed Sonic by the throat.
"If you ever, ever, touch me like that again, I will beat you so hard that it will be months before you can even breathe without pain," she hissed.
Sonic could only whimper in agony and fear. Disgusted, Samus turned and walked back to the dining hall.
When she arrived, she sat down with her friends, Ike having been accepted as one of them.
Suddenly, Master Hand's voice boomed over the loudspeaker.
"Due to the number of new arrivals, we must use the dorms constructed recently to house all of you. Listen carefully, and I will read the list over the intercom."
Crazy hand suddenly screamed "Cheese puffs!!" randomly over the intercom.
"In dorm number one, we have Samus, Krystal, Katt, Zelda, and Peach."
"Great," Samus groaned. "I get stuck with the narcissist."
"In dorm two, we have Bowser, Yoshi, Meta Knight, Marth, and Wolf."
"Why me?" Bowser asked. "I have a dinosaur that craps eggs, the guy who uses big words, the pretty boy, and a homicidal maniac!"
"Dorm three is Red, Lucario, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and Red's pokemon."
"Dorm four is Link, Ike, Ness, Sonic, Olimar, and Kirby."
"Why the puffball!?" screamed Link. "Why!?"
"Hey," Ike said, "At least you got me."
Dorm five ended up being Mario, King Dedede, Donkey Kong, Snake, and Captain Falcon. Dorm six was Fox, Lucas, Pit, Wario, and Diddy Kong. Luigi, Snake, Lucas, R.O.B., and Mr. Game & Watch ended up in dorm seven.
Ike was adjusting to the news when suddenly, something smacked him in the back of the head and sent his face smashing into the table.
"Yet another victim of death by yo-yo..." Fox sighed. Ike heard Link chewing someone out behind him. The blue-haired swordsman sat up. He turned around to see a pudgy kid in a striped shirt and a sideways baseball cap cowering in terror of Link's wrath.
"Oof..." Ike groaned. "What hit me?" he asked.
"This idiot and his yo-yo," Link snarled.
"Hi. I'm Ness." the kid piped up. Ike, still dazed from the yo-yo blow, managed to introduce himself.
"Lights out in half an hour," Master Hand boomed over the loudspeaker. The Smashers all reported to their dorms. As soon as Ike arrived, he said goodnight to the other dorm residents and staggered up the stairs to his room. The others followed. Ness fell asleep on the stairs and rolled downward, knocking the other Smashers over, except for Kirby, who simply floated over the obstruction. Link walked up the stairs, grumbling and dragging Ness by the ankle.
Ike made his way to his room, oblivious to the semi-chaos behind him, and collapsed in his bed. Samus's face was the last thing in his mind before he fell asleep.
Wow...that was exhausting. Random hilarity starts next day/chapter (this was more a set-up for the rest of the story than anything else). I want a review before the next chapter is posted. -Gigabowser