Regrets

6/11/18 Update: First, I want to thank each and every one of you that have reviewed this story. It means the world to me. Reviews are so important because not only do you feel appreciated for your work but also it can point out flaws in your stories or elements that are missing. I made a huge faux paus with this story – I forgot to put Joe's death as something that has shaped Jamie to who he is today and also I neglected to point out in this story how much it affected him. So thank you (dixiekittyva and Beepmybanana) for pointing this out. You guys are absolutely right. And because of that I have updated this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy the add on's (which may be minimal) but I think that they are crucial if I want to write Jamie…well as Jamie!

So I've been toying with this fic for a while now. It will be based out of Eddie getting shot and Jamie never having told her he loved her prior (8X18 – Friendship, Love and Loyalty). It will be an alternate reality. The only thing based on the show will be how she got shot and everything that happened between them prior to the episode.

As always, I do not own Blue Bloods. I am just Jamko obsessed now. And these thoughts on how their lives are, were and should be keep swirling around in my head. And I just have to write them down.

Jamko…Jamko….Jamko…Jamko

The sound of those gunshots kept playing over and over in Jamie's head. The way Eddie had fallen to the ground, the loud thump as she landed at the bottom of the stairs. His abject fear when he saw her laying there. The way it had seemed an eternity as he ran towards her. And as he reached her and fell to his knees, he slid his gun out, prepared to kill anyone that would further threaten her.

For a second he had thought that the bullet may have lodged in her vest and he was praying to God for that. But when his hand started searching the surrounding area where the vest had not protected her, he felt something warm and he looked down. Blood. She had been hit. And his heart sank and his eyes were filled with the horror that his partner, the woman that he loved above everything else, was laying before him bleeding. Shot. In pain. Scared. And dying.

As he came back to the present, Jamie turned to look at her laying in the hospital bed and he felt like crying. Again. He didn't know how many tears he had shed since he got into the ambulance with her and ran with the doctors and nurses as they wheeled her into the OR. He would have gone inside the OR if they hadn't stopped him. He recalled putting up a fight and demanding to go in. Two security guards had to come and hold him back. He had been out of his mind. Eddie had been unconscious and bleeding and she hadn't opened her eyes to tell him everything was going to be okay. She had to be okay. She had to be. She had to be. She had to be. That single thought kept playing in his mind on repeat.

All of this had happened a few hours ago. He had been alone maybe for an hour or so but then everyone - all the Reagan's - had been with him outside in the waiting room. Yet he spoke to no one. Not yet. He couldn't speak. He couldn't even get up off the chair for fear that he would fall to the ground and not be able to get up. Fear did that to you. Fear of losing the one person that you loved yet never had told. Fear that you wouldn't have the opportunity anymore. Fear that you would regret for the rest of your godforsaken life how much of a coward you had been.

His family knew him well and let him be. Thankfully. Frank, Henry, Danny, Erin, Nikki, the boys, everyone was here. Yet he looked at none of them. He also had no way of knowing that most of the cops that they interfaced with day in and day out were out in the main lobby just waiting for news. At this point, he didn't care. He would let his family deal with that. He also didn't care if everyone – Reagan's, colleagues, enemies, and the media, hell whomever, knew how devastated he was. And the why of it. All of them talked about it, he was sure of it. He was just confirming – silently – what they all knew to be true. He was in love with his partner. And she could die. And he had never told her. And he was deathly afraid of not having the opportunity to voice it to the one person he should have told years ago. Her. His Eddie.

If Jamie had looked up, he would have seen his family guarding him from afar. Ready to go to him as soon as he needed someone, as soon as he spoke. They were also guarding him from the people who wanted to know how Eddie was doing. Danny made sure that he gave all of them updates - as he knew them - so they would not call Jamie or try to ask him personally. But Jamie couldn't look up. If he opened his mouth, what would come out would be a gut wrenching wail. One that he feared would not stop if he let it out. He would lose control of everything. He would scream and scream and scream until his throat was raw and bleeding. He was in agony. He never knew pain like this. He never knew regret like this. He never knew that you could love someone as much as he loved Eddie. Everyone else in his life had been just a stepping stone to learning how to love unconditionally and without expecting anything in return. He had loved Eddie from afar since probably the first year of them riding together. Sydney? She was nothing. He believed he had loved her enough to marry her. He believed her to be the love of his life and when she broke off the engagement? He thought that was pain. It wasn't. This was pain. The kind that if the worst happened and Eddie wouldn't make it? He would not be able to go on. He would be a shell of himself.

He heard someone softly knock at the door. He didn't care. He didn't even turn. His eyes were glued to Eddie's. He would not stop looking at her until she opened her eyes, until she told him – out of her own mouth - that she was going to be okay. Jamie just wanted to be left alone but somewhere deep inside he knew he couldn't be that selfish. Everyone was worried. Everyone needed to hear him say something. Anything.

Erin looked at his brother and her heart broke for him for the tenth time tonight. He was not talking to any of them. He was just waiting. Waiting for Eddie to wake up. To be okay. To what? Tell him not to worry anymore? Erin knew how strong Jamie's feelings ran for Eddie. But clearly his brother was in love with her. Eddie needed to be okay. If not, she truly did not think that Jamie would ever recuperate from this. He had lost so much already. His mom. Joe. Vinny. Linda. As much as Jamie didn't express his emotions and didn't wear them on his sleeve on the regular – this would be a blow that would not even compare to what he already had gone through. Joe and Jamie had been so close that seeing him rip to shreds with Joe's death had been excruciating. She prayed that Jamie would not have to go through another death. There had been so much loss already.

She slowly walked towards him and lightly put her hand on his shoulder. "Jamie?" she asked, tentatively. "Hey."

Jamie didn't even flinch. His eyes never left Eddie. "Jamie." Erin tried once again. "Please. Tell me what I can do to help." She whispered, almost desperately. Seeing your brother in so much pain crippled you. Jamie was the baby of the family. The heart of the family. The one that always had a positive thing to say to you no matter how hard life threw punches at you. He was the one that always was there to lend a helping hand. Helping others. Making them help others. Yet right now he couldn't help himself. And the most heartbreaking thing? They couldn't help him. There was nothing they could do but wait.

Jamie's eyes filled with tears but he still didn't look at Erin. He wiped them with his hands. "Can you make the past ten hours go away? Make like they never happened? Make Eddie be okay?"

Erin closed her eyes as a tear of her own fell down her face. "I wish I could Jamie."

"She has to be okay." She finally heard Jamie utter. "Erin. I can't. She has to be okay." Jamie said, as his voice cracked. If he lost her, as he had lost Joe, he just couldn't even go there. He would probably not be able to function much less go on about his life. She had become his north star, his true north. If she was no longer in his life, he would be lost.

"I know." Erin muttered. "I know."

"I never got to tell her." Jamie sniffed, as more tears fell down his face. "That I love her. That I'm in love with her. That she is everything to me. The most important thing in my life. That I simply adore her. That my life without her? It would have no meaning." He finished as he put his right hand to his mouth. Hoping that with that a sob would not escape him. He was finally voicing what had been in his head forever. He had been so afraid to express what he was feeling for her that he hid by being non expressive. But he knew how he felt for her – eloquently. He just had never voiced it to anyone but himself – in his head.

"You'll get your chance." Erin said, equally emotional, surprised at how Jamie just spilled his heart out to her. She was glad he did it. You needed to let emotions out once in a while. If not they would boggle down inside of you and kill you.

"What if I don't?" Jamie said, leaving the question unanswered.

Erin pulled up a chair next to him and sat down. "Jamie. You listen to me." Erin started, as her hand went around his shoulders. "You can't think like that. You have to stay as positive as you can. For Eddie. Let her know that you're here and that you are waiting for her to wake up. Tell her that you love her. Right now. She can hear you."

"You think?" Jamie asked, as he finally tore his eyes from Eddie and stared at Erin. His eyes were red from the tears he had already shed. And his eyes were full of fear. Of anguish. Of something Erin couldn't understand. They had both lost their mother and their brother and the ache and the pain was excruciating. But she had never lost the man that she loved. No. She reminded herself. Eddie was not lost. Not yet. She would be okay. She had to be. Her brother would not survive her death.

"Thank you." Jamie said, as he turned back to Eddie and grabbed her hand. He had been afraid to touch her thus far. But Erin was right. Eddie needed to feel that he was right here with her. "Hey." He found himself uttering to her as he pulled his chair closer to her. "You gotta wake up now. I'm really scared here and I need you to tell me you're going to be okay. Eddie. Please. Wake up Eddie. Please wake up."

Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko

The Reagan clan was sitting directly outside Eddie's room. They had brought them some chairs because there was no moving them from there. They were all guarding her room. And the majority of them were cops, detectives and the main guy for the NYPD, Commissioner Reagan. The former Commissioner as well. Let's just say they didn't need any uniforms guarding Eddie's door right now. They would handle it. She was after all like family. And the way that Jamie was feeling and treating her? There was no doubt that he loved her and wanted Eddie in his life. More than a partner. So in essence – in their minds and in their hearts – she already was family.

"Mom has been in there a while." Nikki observed. "Maybe Uncle Jamie finally let someone support him." She stammered out, hoping, maybe beyond hope, that her Uncle Jamie would open up. He couldn't keep something like this bottled up inside. Things like this tended to eat you up until you voiced them out loud and let people around you help.

"He's in shock." Henry offered "His partner is badly hurt. That takes a toll on a partner. Especially in a partnership that works. They've been riding together a long time."

"No Pop." Frank said. "This goes beyond partnership." Frank had suspected for a while that Jamie had feelings for Officer Jenko. It had been so long that Jamie had even mentioned going out with someone. Because he hadn't. All his free time had been spent with his partner and he seemed fine with it. Moreover, so did Eddie. He didn't presume to know what her status was but it didn't seem she was in a serious relationship with anyone because they were always together. And the looks they gave each other when they thought no one was looking? It was evident.

"Yes." Danny interrupted. "I knew that Jamie had feelings for Eddie. He's had them for a while but this goes beyond that Dad. This feels eerily familiar to when I lost Linda. And she's my wife." Danny finalized. What does that tell you?" Danny recognized the pain that Jamie was in as his own from about a year ago. The same expression. The same far-away look. The not wanting anyone to approach you. He had just wanted to be left alone and that's why if anyone would try to overstep with Jamie, he would be there to tell them to back off, unless they were family. And even if they were family, if he felt that Jamie was on the brink he would tell them to back off. It was the least he could do.

Nikki nodded and answered Danny's question. "He loves her. Uncle Jamie loves Eddie. They belong together."

"I don't know if Jamie can recuperate if he loses her. He lost his partner Vinnie but this? This will be a million times worse." Danny pointed out. "Losing Vinny was hard enough but losing Eddie? He would lose his soul. Because he ain't fooling any of us. Partners? Pffft. No way."

Erin opened the door and wiped her tears. "He doesn't want to leave her side. He doesn't want to drink or eat. He doesn't want anything. He just keeps repeating that he wants her to wake up."

All of them nodded solemnly. "He's a wreck." Erin continued.

"What can we do?" Nikki asked.

"I'm not sure there is much we can do sweetheart." Frank said. "But be here for him. And pray that Officer Jenko makes a full recovery."

"The first time I knew that he had strong feelings for Eddie." Danny started. "Was when she went undercover for me…Jamie was in the back seat listening on the wire and at the first sight of trouble he wanted me to light up the car and get her out of the van. He didn't even give it five seconds. It seemed like he wanted her out of that van and inside the car safely with him."

"Really?" Henry asked. Now realizing that maybe the whole family noticed something he didn't. He wasn't offended. Jamie and he were very close and even hung out together some nights but he never divulged to him his feelings for Eddie. He kept those close to the vest apparently. He had not seen them together as often as the others had. So it was expected that they would deduce more than him. But if what they were saying was true, then Jamie was in a world of hurt right now and he would do anything to make his pain go away. Unfortunately, it was out of his hands.

"Oh yeah. And then I told him that he had to let Eddie do her job. He seemed to calm down for a bit but once that van stopped and we didn't know what was going to happen? He literally made me tell everyone we were going to get her. He was so afraid. The last thing he said to me was 'you better get her out'. I had my little brother threatening me on the job because Eddie was in danger. And in his mind I knew he was blaming me that she was in that predicament."

"He wasn't playing." Frank stated. Not a question but a statement.

"No. He was not." Danny confirmed. "He loved her then. I am willing to bet he loves her more now than he did then." Of course he did. As time went on for him and Linda –as they were dating and when they were married - the love for each other grew. You had so many hours in the RMP the only thing to do was talk and bond. And in Eddie and Jamie's case fall in love.

"I'm going to check on him." Nikki said. "Maybe I can get him to at least leave the room for a few minutes to get some air."

"Good luck with that." Erin said. "At least try to get him to drink something. Cause I know he won't eat."

Jamko…Jamko….Jamko…Jamko

Nikki walked in and saw that her Uncle Jamie was leaning towards Eddie's bed and he was stroking her hair with one hand and grasping one of her hands with his other hand. "My whole family is here Eddie." Jamie was telling her. "I think they are worried about me but they want you to be okay too. You're scaring all of us. You gotta wake up."

Nikki went behind her Uncle and did what she had wanted to do since she saw him a few hours ago when she got to the hospital. She hugged him from behind and kissed the top of his head since he was looking down at Eddie. "Hi Uncle Jamie." She softly said, as she brought the chair that her mother had left vacant closer to him and to Eddie.

Before she sat down, she went to the other side of the bed and leaned towards Eddie and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Hey Eddie." Nikki said. "I'm here. I'll take care of my Uncle Jamie for you. Don't you worry – all you gotta do is wake up. Then all will be right with the world."

Jamie looked at Nikki and he half smiled. "Thank you Nikki." He said, as he saw her come back to his side of the bed and sit next to him.

"How are you doing?" Nikki asked.

Jamie shrugged his shoulders and let out a long sigh. "I could be better. I just need Eddie to wake up."

"I know. But you have to take care of yourself too because when Eddie wakes up she's going to want to see that you're okay."

"Yeah." Jamie said, non-committal. He wasn't going to be okay. Not until he knew for a fact that she was out of danger. And he didn't care how many people walked into this hospital room. He was not leaving this room and he was not leaving her.

As if sensing his train of thought Nikki asked: "Can I get you some water at least?"

"Thanks." Jamie said. When was the last time he had even had any water? He couldn't remember. Everything was a blur. "How is everyone?" he finally asked Nikki. Knowing that they had been out there for hours with no reaction or news from him.

"Don't worry about them." Nikki said. "We are all here for you. Whatever you need."

"I need her to be okay Nikki." Jamie said, honestly, turning his gaze back to her. "Once I know that, I feel like I may be able to breathe again."

"I know Uncle Jamie. And she will be. Eddie just needs a little time."

"I hope so."

"Uncle Jamie. I want to tell you something." Jamie turned to her. "You may not believe this." Nikki started. "But I think that Eddie knows that you love her."

"How?"

"Uncle Jamie everyone knows you love her. That you are in love with her. She feels it. I'm sure of it. All I have to do is see you guys together to know that you belong together. I'm not going to presume to know the reasons you guys have decided to not already be together and out in the open. But she knows."

"I'm not sure about that." Jamie told her honestly. "We have had so many opportunities. Well I have had so many opportunities but I always stopped myself. I didn't want to lose her as a partner. I didn't want to lie about us. I just stayed status quo and now I may never get the chance to…"

"NO Uncle Jamie." Nikki said forcefully. "You will get to tell her and you will get your happy ending. You guys deserve it. If anyone does, the two of you do."

"You really like Eddie huh?" Jamie smiled at her.

"I do like her. I actually love her because I know she loves you."

"Yeah?" Jamie asked. "Since when are you so wise?"

"The way you two hang out? The way you guys are always together and if you're not you guys are texting or calling. I don't know how you manage to not have your phone out at Sunday dinner."

"Eddie knows that's sacred time."

"Maybe one day soon she'll be joining us for Sunday dinner and you won't have to miss her when you're with us."

Jamie looked at Nikki and smiled once again. "I love you Uncle Jamie." Jamie heard Nikki say as she hugged him one more time. "I'm gonna go get you that water."

Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko

"Hey kid." Jamie heard Danny say as he handed him a water. "I told Nikki I would bring you the water. How is she?" Truth be told he had been worried about Jamie for hours and he needed to see for himself that his little brother was hanging on. Maybe not doing okay but hanging on.

"I don't know." Jamie responded telling him the truth. "She hasn't moved. She can't move. And I know right now is too soon for her to wake up. But I keep hoping."

"Eddie is a fighter. She will pull through." Danny said, as he put a hand on Jamie's shoulder and squeezed. "I know this isn't easy."

Jamie nodded his head as he opened the bottle of water and drank half of it. He didn't realize how parched he was until the water was in front of him.

"How long have you known?" Danny asked. He thought that maybe having a conversation with his brother may – if only for a few minutes – have him think about something else.

"What?" Jamie asked.

"That you're in love with her. How long have you known?"

"Years." Jamie said, without hesitation. "Forever it seems. Maybe even from our first year riding together." Jamie finalized as he shrugged his shoulders.

"And you never said anything?" Danny stated, more surprised than anything else. How do you do that? How do you keep something that huge locked inside?

"Nope. We hinted around having feelings but love? No. That was never uttered."

"I knew you loved her. And I know she loves you. I have no doubt about that."

"Nikki said the same thing."

"We all think the same thing. And Baez thinks it too. Hell all the precinct thinks it. Your precinct. Linda knew as well."

"Really? Linda? Linda always knew me so well. Do you think I'll ever get to tell her?" Jamie said, as he felt the onslaught of tears come once again.

"Yes." Danny said, confident. "On both counts. One of the last things Linda told me about you was that one day soon she was going to have to sit you down and have a stern talk with you. She couldn't comprehend how the two of you could be so stupid and stubborn."

"Really Danny?" Jamie said, looking at him straight in the eye, as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek. "I was stupid and stubborn. Linda of course had it right."

"Yes." Danny said, as he reached out and grasped his brother by the shoulder. "You will get to tell her. You will get your chance. Stupid and stubborn you will no longer be. All right?"

"I just want her to wake up already. She is able to breathe on her own but she will remain sedated for a while. They're hoping that in the next few days her body starts healing and it will be easier for her to wake up. She's on pretty high drugs so she won't feel pain."

"That's good kid. That's good."

"How is everyone out there?" He asked Danny as he asked Nikki.

"We're fine. Cheering Eddie on." He said, as he approached Eddie and patted her hand. "You gotta wake up sweetheart. You're scaring the living life out of every Reagan here, especially Jamie."

"You guys don't have to stay here." Jamie offered. "Pop may be tired."

"He's not going anywhere. No one is kid. Until we know that Eddie is okay."

"The boys?"

"They're old enough. Besides I asked them thinking maybe Pop could go with them but the three of them declined. We are here for the long haul."

"Dad?"

"Sitting in a chair. Quiet. Worried. About you. About Eddie. You know Dad. He worries about everything."

"Thank you." Jamie finally said. "To everyone. It means a lot that you all are out there. Even if it doesn't seem that way. I just can't. I just can't leave her. It feels like I'm stuck to this chair and this room until I know she's ok. I would go out there if I could."

"We wouldn't be anywhere else. And we know. Nobody expects you to leave the room and we all know better than to ask you that."

"Thanks." He said, as he turned back to Eddie and grabbed her hand. He got up from his chair and kissed her temple.

Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko

As Jamie saw Danny walk out he stood by Eddie's side and murmured: "Hey."

She didn't stir. "I hate this Eddie. I hate seeing you like this. I need you to wake up so that I can tell you what I have wanted to tell you for five years. I love you." He whispered into her ear. "I always have. I always will. No one has ever meant as much to me as you do."

Jamie kissed her one more time on her temple and sat back down never releasing her hand. A part of him hoped – maybe beyond hope – that she could hear him. That it would make a difference. That the knowledge of him loving her would make her wake up.

The thought of another woman had not entered into his mind in years. At the first and maybe second year of their partnership, Jamie had gone out with other women but it never quite felt right. And when he saw how it affected her, he had stopped. He didn't know why he did. She sure didn't stop dating but it just seemed wrong to him to lead a woman on with the knowledge – at least on his end – it would go nowhere. His heart had already been taken by a short, feisty blonde that drove him to distraction. It would have been a perfect opportunity to tell Eddie exactly how he was starting to feel about her when he had asked Jen out for dinner. The reaction Eddie had when she found out they had already gone out to drinks did not go unnoticed by him. Yet when they had talked about it once she had ditched him for McKenna – if only for a day – had them at least admitting that what they had was undefined and he didn't know what the fuck he was doing. But he left it at that and still had gone out to dinner with Jen and left her behind. It had felt so wrong to leave. He actually didn't want to leave. But what could they do? What could he do?

They both had swept it under the rug and supposedly moved on. Pretending that what they were feeling was a fleeting attraction that would go away eventually. But it didn't. It was still there – between them – growing each and every day and making each time they hurt each other that much worse. For Jamie, talking to Eddie about the men she was dating and giving her sound advice cut him to the core each and every time. But he decided that he would rather do that than not have her. If only he had listened to his heart instead of his brain. The organ that told him that it just would be better if he came clean. But he had been afraid. What if they wrecked each other? They were so different. How could it work between them? And if he told her how he felt? And then they broke up? He would have nothing. He would not have her as a partner, as his best friend, as his constant companion. And he just didn't think he would be able to handle that. And if that made him a coward, he had accepted that. Until today.

The world that they lived in – more importantly – worked in was a dangerous one. Thoughts of her getting hurt on the job were always present for him. He always mitigated those fears with the knowledge that he would be there to protect her. No one would be able to hurt her if he was by her side. But that hadn't been true. Today was the prime example. What the fuck were they doing then?

Jamie was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't hear Frank come in. "Hey son." Frank said, quietly – well aware that Jamie was so deep into his thoughts, the opening of the door didn't register.

"Hey Dad."

"How are you feeling?" He asked, Jamie. He was concerned for Eddie but seeing his youngest in so much pain made him ask how he was doing first.

"I feel like a broken record." Jamie said, half smiling. "But I'm hanging in there."

"Everyone is worried about you."

"I know Dad. I was half joking. I know you guys are here because you're worried about me."

"And we're worried about Eddie too."

"Yes,"

"You know after this I can give her any reassignment she wants. Maybe it's time that you both consider the alternative to being partners."

Jamie answered honestly: "Dad right now all I want is for her to wake up. I – and she – can figure everything out later."

"Understood."

"But there is no more lying. Not between her and me and not between all of us. I love her."

"I know son. I think I've known for a while."

Jamie nodded his head. "Thank you all for being here."

"Son we love you. And we will be right outside if you need anything. I know I can't make you come out, get some air, eat or drink. But know that when you're ready we will be here for you."

With that Frank left the room and gently closed the door behind him.

Jamko…Jamko…Jamko….Jamko