Mourning Hour
Author: Brittany "Thespis" Frederick
E-Mail: AgentThespis@msn.com
Rating: PG for language
Category: Coda, Vignette
Spoilers: If you don't know Jamey's final fate, don't read this.
Summary: Life and death cannot break bonds and lies, as Jamey has to own up to the person she hurt the most.
Original Character Bio: Liz Rycoff is CTU's Chief of Technology. She is close friends with Jack and with George Mason, and has a political alliance with Mason, who wants her to go to work for him at District, but Liz's loyalty to Jack holds her back.
Author's Notes: I have to thank many people for this. First, Karina Arroyave, for a great performance as Jamey. All the people who provided positive feedback for my fics, which got me writing more. And Karen for this super-cool fic format. Anyway … this one's for you, and for those muses who can't wait 'til Tuesday (go ahead, you say no to Jack Bauer…)
I realized, having reflected in portions of previous fics ("Human Position," "Crossing the River") that Liz was deeply affected by Jamey's death. In fact I don't think there's a fic written post-Jamey that hasn't noted that. So I figured that they deserved a little denouement to go with all that angst. This is the result.
CTU was empty in its grandeur, completely deserted though everything may as well have been on pause in the way that monitors were still lit up with data from the wire services, chairs were left ajar, and effects were scattered across workstations. It suggested to Elisabeth Rycoff that the scene was the result of the entire unit staff being abducted by aliens or somesuch, kidnapped right out of the middle of their daily lives, except for one person who had managed to avoid the whole chaos by being in the hiding place at the right time. Laying eyes on Jamey Farrell was when Liz realized that it wasn't CTU she was standing in at all.
"So is this my dream or your creation?" she said to the young woman who sat at her former workstation as she crossed to her own station nearby, pulling up a chair.
"Probably both." Jamey looked much as Liz remembered her – before the fall, that is. She had never seen Jamey after she had been outed as the mole. The last time Liz had seen Jamey was in passing an hour or so before, still looking every bit the Assistant Chief of Technology for the Los Angeles Domestic Unit, young, happy, dedicated. Physically, she was still the Jamey that Liz knew. But the eyes gave it all away – haunted, ethereal, and boring into her. "I know I've been trying to talk to you for a while now."
"I did have a few things I wanted to say." Liz leaned forward in the chair, studying Jamey. "I've just been busy with the Palmer campaign." She glanced around the room. "So this is where you picked, huh?"
"Who said I was in control?" Jamey replied, a note of sadness in her voice.
Liz sat up again, assuming an old posture that she'd frequently used when the younger agent had felt she was faltering or failing, for those rare times when she would have to take Jamey to task or inspire her to soldier on. She folded her hands in her lap and stared right at Jamey. "You took the coward's way out, Jamey. I won't be able to forget that, God help me, for as long as I live. That may not be long, but still…" and here she trailed off, thought lost. What exactly did you say to dead subordinates?
But her dead subordinate was silent. Liz exhaled, tried to start over. "Do you know what happened after you died? Later Mason grabbed me and interrogated me in the break room. He indirectly accused me of being responsible for your breach of security, and furthermore, your death, because I was your boss. I told him to shove the Chappelle rhetoric, but later I realized maybe he wasn't wrong. Leaders have responsibilities to their followers, even the ones that aren't really followers at all. And that's what's going to hurt me the rest of today and the rest of my career, probably past that as well."
"I know that," Jamey replied quietly, looking away from her auburn-haired superior. "I knew it when I died, too, at the back of my mind. But what else did you want me to do?"
"Tell the truth, perhaps. Maybe try to rectify your wrongs. We've all screwed up today and we're all still alive, and we're trying to fix those problems. No one said you had to die today except for you, Jamey."
"They would have killed me anyway."
"You don't know that," Liz insisted, then on an impulse suddenly quoted one of her favorite films. "The future isn't set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves."
"Gaines knew it too," Jamey shot back, her voice gaining strength with the testament. "Why do you think he coerced Jack into shooting him? He knew if Jack didn't, Drazen would. He wanted to die at the hands of an honorable person and I'd rather have gone with Nina and Tony than live the rest of my life in fear."
"Do you know how close we are?" Liz said, "If you can see all this, don't you know we're close to some sort of solution?"
"Liz, you're not close!" Jamey's voice rose then, perhaps higher than intended, charged with desperation and painful knowledge. "You don't even know half the things I've seen, and even if I tell you, you can't prove them. You're farther behind than you think you are."
"Tell me," Liz implored her. "If Jack's dead…" Her voice broke slightly on the last word.
"Jack's alive," Jamey said. "But Kim has been re-abducted on her way to CTU, Jack told Drazen Alexis is still alive, and Chappelle…"
"Is the other mole," Liz finished on a random guess.
"How did you know?" Jamey blurted, surprised. "Did you find him?"
"It started when Tony told me that you wanted to talk to Chappelle before you said anything. Then I went to Mason and he and I have done a lot of research over the last few hours and we found out for ourselves." Liz paused. "We haven't been able to find the evidence to nail him, but we've got bigger problems … problems he caused."
"The assault." Jamey nodded understandingly. "You're looking in the right places."
"Thank you for that validation." Liz took a deep breath. "If you were still here you could be helping me save lives, Jamey. I need you now. Milo is good at his job but Milo's not you. I need you and you've let me down."
"You wouldn't have helped me anyway."
"That's not true." Liz was standing now, surprised by the firmness of her former friend's accusation. "If it was about the money, you know I've had some saved up from my parents' inheritance. If it was about Kyle, you know I would have protected him. I would have been there."
"Not that. If you'd found out and I was still alive, you would have crucified me, Liz. We both know it." Jamey looked her superior in the eye. "It never happened but it could have and I've seen what it would have been like. Do you want to know? Do you want to know how much it would have hurt me? If it had happened, I would still have killed myself. I couldn't live with that kind of torture. And I couldn't lay that on you, knowing you'd pushed me over the edge." She paused. "See it for yourself," she said. "I've still got some control over this situation."
And in front of their eyes, the nightmare reprised itself in ways Liz had never even begun to fathom.
Somehow, Liz knew before Tony could tell her.
It had nothing to do with the fact that Jamey was handcuffed and looking like a scared deer in the headlights, or that Tony and Nina had evidence to back up their claims, or that it was probably on the office wire by now. Liz knew what had happened because Liz knew Jamey and Liz also knew herself.
She stood there regarding Jamey, not knowing what to think or feel. This moment of very human indecision was soon replaced with the calculating steel of personal justice – or, as it had been called by someone once, "the hammer of God." She looked at Jamey and wondered why, then looked again and realized why didn't matter. Liz had been betrayed, and she acted for herself, her agency and her mission, but mostly for herself.
Even as Jamey's eyes pleaded for a sanctuary she could not – would not – give.
"This is how things are going to work," she said, her voice cold and emotionless, something she'd picked up from George Mason, as she committed to the inevitable. "If you are placed on charges, I will not offer testimony in your defense, and if evidence presents itself to me, will testify on behalf of the prosecution. I will not act beyond what the facts If you remain with the unit, which I sincerely doubt, my first action will be to request your immediate transfer to another shift, section, or preferably program. To that end, I will continue to work with you as necessary, but your security privileges will be downgraded and your actions heavily monitored, and you will be demoted as soon as another Assistant Chief can be located to replace you. Outside of professional assignment, you will be dead to me."
Jamey was looking at her almost on the verge of tears, but in such a state, Liz could not be moved. Even Tony and Nina, who remained on the fringe of the room, were struck by the severity and absolutes of Liz's statements. Liz remained stolid as ever, turning to walk out of the room. In the doorway, she stopped, with all eyes on her to see if she could possibly come up with anything more cold and simply cruel, but altogether justified, by any means.
She could.
"You understood when you signed on to work under me that my trust was implicit, both as a representative of this agency and as a person. You were fully aware of these kinds of consequences. We entered into a partnership which you've dissolved. I know that this hurts you, Jamey, but you should have thought of that before you decided that financial security was more important than personal loyalty and the safety of innocent people. I understand your pain, but I can't condone your actions."
And then she walked out, leaving Jamey broken inside. But the person who hurt more was Liz, who out of very human emotions she had kept caged during that whole tirade put her fist into the wall shortly thereafter and broke two bones in her hand.
"It's okay to admit it would have happened," Jamey said in the resulting silence. "I can't fault you for speaking the truth. You did warn me."
"That doesn't make it right," Liz said as she tore herself away from the vision.
"In your eyes, I did the worst thing anyone could have possibly done," Jamey continued, unmoved. They had switched places for just a moment – Jamey becoming the hard-line advocate and Liz mellowing to a state of leniency. "What other choice did you really have?"
"There's always a choice," Liz muttered, but Jamey did not hear her, or chose not to. "It doesn't matter," she was saying. "I tried to reach you because I wanted to atone for what I did. We can stand here and debate this or we can do something, right?"
Liz looked at her, surprised by her sudden backbone, imploring her to continue.
"What I've already told you is happening around you now, so maybe you've got a chance to stop it. You can't prove it, but wait for it and maybe you can. I can also tell you a few things you're probably already sensing. Mason's on the edge, and he will need your help. But you will need to trust more than him. Tony isn't just there as furniture, Liz. With him and Milo behind you, you can do something."
"Tony and Milo can help me save Jack?" Liz said, sounding doubtful of the combination.
"If you ever trusted me, trust me now," Jamey insisted. "You may not trust anyone else, but I'm telling you that as far as I know, those two are clean. You can't save Jack and CTU by yourself, Liz. You need help and they can give it to you."
"Suppose I trust you."
"Suppose you don't want Jack to die and CTU to collapse."
"Fair point." Liz paused. "Assuming I remember any of this when I wake up. Which would be any moment now, considering the time and situation."
Jamey managed the barest hint of smile. "With your memory? No problem."
"Glad to see someone still has confidence in me. Even after I lost mine in you. Even after I lost you," she corrected herself. "Tell me what I have to do."
"I can't tell you. I can only lead you," Jamey insisted. Then she paused, looking around. "You know, I can tell this is your dream as well as mine." She looked over Liz's shoulder. "It's the only place in the world where Mason and Jack would get along."
Liz chuckled lightly. "And why would you pick here?"
"It's where I am now. I don't know about the afterlife, but here I can rectify my mistakes, at least in my own mind. Get a second chance." Jamey sighed. "This is my second chance and I'm asking you to take it for me."
"Can I think this over?" her superior said, still doubtful.
"Not for long. If you walk away, this dream ends and you wake up at your desk more than likely." Jamey was looking head-on at her now. "No matter what, do not walk away from me now."
Liz looked around the room. Mason and Jack were gone and the room was empty again. She and Jamey had managed in those few minutes to completely change places, and she felt herself realizing that the change might have happened anyway if Jamey had stayed alive long enough. Looking into the face of what she might have done, knowing what she had just been told, could she really put her personal vendetta ahead of justice? She realized if she did, she'd be like the Jamey Farrell she used to know. And this Jamey needed her to not become that person.
"I'll do what I can," she said quietly, then turned and started walking toward the front door of CTU. Then she paused. "Jamey … will I ever see you again?"
Jamey smiled sadly. "I don't think you need to. There are other people who need you more."
And she watched Liz smile, turn and walk away; after that there was nothing but her own world. Her own afterlife where things could be different. She only hoped that maybe she could make things different in the real world, and hopefully take a large burden off her boss's soul. It would be her life's work in death. That would have to be good enough.
She'd never know how good, but she thought she already knew.
Author: Brittany "Thespis" Frederick
E-Mail: AgentThespis@msn.com
Rating: PG for language
Category: Coda, Vignette
Spoilers: If you don't know Jamey's final fate, don't read this.
Summary: Life and death cannot break bonds and lies, as Jamey has to own up to the person she hurt the most.
Original Character Bio: Liz Rycoff is CTU's Chief of Technology. She is close friends with Jack and with George Mason, and has a political alliance with Mason, who wants her to go to work for him at District, but Liz's loyalty to Jack holds her back.
Author's Notes: I have to thank many people for this. First, Karina Arroyave, for a great performance as Jamey. All the people who provided positive feedback for my fics, which got me writing more. And Karen for this super-cool fic format. Anyway … this one's for you, and for those muses who can't wait 'til Tuesday (go ahead, you say no to Jack Bauer…)
I realized, having reflected in portions of previous fics ("Human Position," "Crossing the River") that Liz was deeply affected by Jamey's death. In fact I don't think there's a fic written post-Jamey that hasn't noted that. So I figured that they deserved a little denouement to go with all that angst. This is the result.
CTU was empty in its grandeur, completely deserted though everything may as well have been on pause in the way that monitors were still lit up with data from the wire services, chairs were left ajar, and effects were scattered across workstations. It suggested to Elisabeth Rycoff that the scene was the result of the entire unit staff being abducted by aliens or somesuch, kidnapped right out of the middle of their daily lives, except for one person who had managed to avoid the whole chaos by being in the hiding place at the right time. Laying eyes on Jamey Farrell was when Liz realized that it wasn't CTU she was standing in at all.
"So is this my dream or your creation?" she said to the young woman who sat at her former workstation as she crossed to her own station nearby, pulling up a chair.
"Probably both." Jamey looked much as Liz remembered her – before the fall, that is. She had never seen Jamey after she had been outed as the mole. The last time Liz had seen Jamey was in passing an hour or so before, still looking every bit the Assistant Chief of Technology for the Los Angeles Domestic Unit, young, happy, dedicated. Physically, she was still the Jamey that Liz knew. But the eyes gave it all away – haunted, ethereal, and boring into her. "I know I've been trying to talk to you for a while now."
"I did have a few things I wanted to say." Liz leaned forward in the chair, studying Jamey. "I've just been busy with the Palmer campaign." She glanced around the room. "So this is where you picked, huh?"
"Who said I was in control?" Jamey replied, a note of sadness in her voice.
Liz sat up again, assuming an old posture that she'd frequently used when the younger agent had felt she was faltering or failing, for those rare times when she would have to take Jamey to task or inspire her to soldier on. She folded her hands in her lap and stared right at Jamey. "You took the coward's way out, Jamey. I won't be able to forget that, God help me, for as long as I live. That may not be long, but still…" and here she trailed off, thought lost. What exactly did you say to dead subordinates?
But her dead subordinate was silent. Liz exhaled, tried to start over. "Do you know what happened after you died? Later Mason grabbed me and interrogated me in the break room. He indirectly accused me of being responsible for your breach of security, and furthermore, your death, because I was your boss. I told him to shove the Chappelle rhetoric, but later I realized maybe he wasn't wrong. Leaders have responsibilities to their followers, even the ones that aren't really followers at all. And that's what's going to hurt me the rest of today and the rest of my career, probably past that as well."
"I know that," Jamey replied quietly, looking away from her auburn-haired superior. "I knew it when I died, too, at the back of my mind. But what else did you want me to do?"
"Tell the truth, perhaps. Maybe try to rectify your wrongs. We've all screwed up today and we're all still alive, and we're trying to fix those problems. No one said you had to die today except for you, Jamey."
"They would have killed me anyway."
"You don't know that," Liz insisted, then on an impulse suddenly quoted one of her favorite films. "The future isn't set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves."
"Gaines knew it too," Jamey shot back, her voice gaining strength with the testament. "Why do you think he coerced Jack into shooting him? He knew if Jack didn't, Drazen would. He wanted to die at the hands of an honorable person and I'd rather have gone with Nina and Tony than live the rest of my life in fear."
"Do you know how close we are?" Liz said, "If you can see all this, don't you know we're close to some sort of solution?"
"Liz, you're not close!" Jamey's voice rose then, perhaps higher than intended, charged with desperation and painful knowledge. "You don't even know half the things I've seen, and even if I tell you, you can't prove them. You're farther behind than you think you are."
"Tell me," Liz implored her. "If Jack's dead…" Her voice broke slightly on the last word.
"Jack's alive," Jamey said. "But Kim has been re-abducted on her way to CTU, Jack told Drazen Alexis is still alive, and Chappelle…"
"Is the other mole," Liz finished on a random guess.
"How did you know?" Jamey blurted, surprised. "Did you find him?"
"It started when Tony told me that you wanted to talk to Chappelle before you said anything. Then I went to Mason and he and I have done a lot of research over the last few hours and we found out for ourselves." Liz paused. "We haven't been able to find the evidence to nail him, but we've got bigger problems … problems he caused."
"The assault." Jamey nodded understandingly. "You're looking in the right places."
"Thank you for that validation." Liz took a deep breath. "If you were still here you could be helping me save lives, Jamey. I need you now. Milo is good at his job but Milo's not you. I need you and you've let me down."
"You wouldn't have helped me anyway."
"That's not true." Liz was standing now, surprised by the firmness of her former friend's accusation. "If it was about the money, you know I've had some saved up from my parents' inheritance. If it was about Kyle, you know I would have protected him. I would have been there."
"Not that. If you'd found out and I was still alive, you would have crucified me, Liz. We both know it." Jamey looked her superior in the eye. "It never happened but it could have and I've seen what it would have been like. Do you want to know? Do you want to know how much it would have hurt me? If it had happened, I would still have killed myself. I couldn't live with that kind of torture. And I couldn't lay that on you, knowing you'd pushed me over the edge." She paused. "See it for yourself," she said. "I've still got some control over this situation."
And in front of their eyes, the nightmare reprised itself in ways Liz had never even begun to fathom.
Somehow, Liz knew before Tony could tell her.
It had nothing to do with the fact that Jamey was handcuffed and looking like a scared deer in the headlights, or that Tony and Nina had evidence to back up their claims, or that it was probably on the office wire by now. Liz knew what had happened because Liz knew Jamey and Liz also knew herself.
She stood there regarding Jamey, not knowing what to think or feel. This moment of very human indecision was soon replaced with the calculating steel of personal justice – or, as it had been called by someone once, "the hammer of God." She looked at Jamey and wondered why, then looked again and realized why didn't matter. Liz had been betrayed, and she acted for herself, her agency and her mission, but mostly for herself.
Even as Jamey's eyes pleaded for a sanctuary she could not – would not – give.
"This is how things are going to work," she said, her voice cold and emotionless, something she'd picked up from George Mason, as she committed to the inevitable. "If you are placed on charges, I will not offer testimony in your defense, and if evidence presents itself to me, will testify on behalf of the prosecution. I will not act beyond what the facts If you remain with the unit, which I sincerely doubt, my first action will be to request your immediate transfer to another shift, section, or preferably program. To that end, I will continue to work with you as necessary, but your security privileges will be downgraded and your actions heavily monitored, and you will be demoted as soon as another Assistant Chief can be located to replace you. Outside of professional assignment, you will be dead to me."
Jamey was looking at her almost on the verge of tears, but in such a state, Liz could not be moved. Even Tony and Nina, who remained on the fringe of the room, were struck by the severity and absolutes of Liz's statements. Liz remained stolid as ever, turning to walk out of the room. In the doorway, she stopped, with all eyes on her to see if she could possibly come up with anything more cold and simply cruel, but altogether justified, by any means.
She could.
"You understood when you signed on to work under me that my trust was implicit, both as a representative of this agency and as a person. You were fully aware of these kinds of consequences. We entered into a partnership which you've dissolved. I know that this hurts you, Jamey, but you should have thought of that before you decided that financial security was more important than personal loyalty and the safety of innocent people. I understand your pain, but I can't condone your actions."
And then she walked out, leaving Jamey broken inside. But the person who hurt more was Liz, who out of very human emotions she had kept caged during that whole tirade put her fist into the wall shortly thereafter and broke two bones in her hand.
"It's okay to admit it would have happened," Jamey said in the resulting silence. "I can't fault you for speaking the truth. You did warn me."
"That doesn't make it right," Liz said as she tore herself away from the vision.
"In your eyes, I did the worst thing anyone could have possibly done," Jamey continued, unmoved. They had switched places for just a moment – Jamey becoming the hard-line advocate and Liz mellowing to a state of leniency. "What other choice did you really have?"
"There's always a choice," Liz muttered, but Jamey did not hear her, or chose not to. "It doesn't matter," she was saying. "I tried to reach you because I wanted to atone for what I did. We can stand here and debate this or we can do something, right?"
Liz looked at her, surprised by her sudden backbone, imploring her to continue.
"What I've already told you is happening around you now, so maybe you've got a chance to stop it. You can't prove it, but wait for it and maybe you can. I can also tell you a few things you're probably already sensing. Mason's on the edge, and he will need your help. But you will need to trust more than him. Tony isn't just there as furniture, Liz. With him and Milo behind you, you can do something."
"Tony and Milo can help me save Jack?" Liz said, sounding doubtful of the combination.
"If you ever trusted me, trust me now," Jamey insisted. "You may not trust anyone else, but I'm telling you that as far as I know, those two are clean. You can't save Jack and CTU by yourself, Liz. You need help and they can give it to you."
"Suppose I trust you."
"Suppose you don't want Jack to die and CTU to collapse."
"Fair point." Liz paused. "Assuming I remember any of this when I wake up. Which would be any moment now, considering the time and situation."
Jamey managed the barest hint of smile. "With your memory? No problem."
"Glad to see someone still has confidence in me. Even after I lost mine in you. Even after I lost you," she corrected herself. "Tell me what I have to do."
"I can't tell you. I can only lead you," Jamey insisted. Then she paused, looking around. "You know, I can tell this is your dream as well as mine." She looked over Liz's shoulder. "It's the only place in the world where Mason and Jack would get along."
Liz chuckled lightly. "And why would you pick here?"
"It's where I am now. I don't know about the afterlife, but here I can rectify my mistakes, at least in my own mind. Get a second chance." Jamey sighed. "This is my second chance and I'm asking you to take it for me."
"Can I think this over?" her superior said, still doubtful.
"Not for long. If you walk away, this dream ends and you wake up at your desk more than likely." Jamey was looking head-on at her now. "No matter what, do not walk away from me now."
Liz looked around the room. Mason and Jack were gone and the room was empty again. She and Jamey had managed in those few minutes to completely change places, and she felt herself realizing that the change might have happened anyway if Jamey had stayed alive long enough. Looking into the face of what she might have done, knowing what she had just been told, could she really put her personal vendetta ahead of justice? She realized if she did, she'd be like the Jamey Farrell she used to know. And this Jamey needed her to not become that person.
"I'll do what I can," she said quietly, then turned and started walking toward the front door of CTU. Then she paused. "Jamey … will I ever see you again?"
Jamey smiled sadly. "I don't think you need to. There are other people who need you more."
And she watched Liz smile, turn and walk away; after that there was nothing but her own world. Her own afterlife where things could be different. She only hoped that maybe she could make things different in the real world, and hopefully take a large burden off her boss's soul. It would be her life's work in death. That would have to be good enough.
She'd never know how good, but she thought she already knew.