The Pretzel Class
By Silvertail
(I'd like to say that this is my first humourous Disney story. It's based on my own cooking class, although the only real similarities are the "hand egg" confusion and that once we made pretzels. Personally, I like it. Please tell me what you think.)
(Setting: A large school cooking class. There are three small kitchens in the back. Each kitchen contains counter space, a dishwasher, a stove, and a microwave. There is a fridge and washing machine/dryer in the back. Mrs. Lapchinsky, the teacher, is standing at the front of the room, and various Disney characters are listening to her.)
Mrs. L: Welcome to your first day of cooking classes! I hope this will be a valuable learning experience for all of you. Today we are making pretzels from my yummy-delicious pretzel recipe. I want all of you to split into groups, grab a recipe, wash your hands and go to work!
(There is disarray as the characters all join up together, but it's eventually done. Here is a list for reference.)
Team 1: Pacha
Aladdin
Jasmine
Belle
Quasimodo
Team 2: Mulan
Shang
Meg
Hercules
Pocahontas
Esmeralda
Mrs. L: Hmm…We seem to be short a team member.
(The door flies open.)
Kuzco: Boom, Baby!
Mrs. L: (sternly) You're late.
Kuzco: I'm always on time. It's you that's early!
Mrs. L: Nevertheless, you're joining Team 1.
Kuzco: Uhh…I don't think so. As a matter of fact, I brought my own team!
(A parade of servants comes through the door, enters the kitchen and whips up a batch of golden brown pretzels in five minutes flat.)
Kuzco: I'll just take that A now…
Mrs. L: THERE'LL BE NO SUBSTITUTES IN MY CLASS! IS THAT CLEAR???
Kuzco: Yipe!
Mrs. L: (to servants) GET OUT! (to Kuzco) YOU WILL JOIN TEAM ONE, MAKE PRETZELS, AND LIKE IT! OR WOULD YOU RATHER DIE???
Kuzco: (blink)
***
(The teams are in the kitchens, examining their respective recipes. Mrs. Lapchinsky is eating Kuzco's servant's pretzels at her desk, leaning back with her feet up on the desktop.)
Team 1:
Pacha: (reading) Let's see…we need 2 cups all-purpose flour, and 1 cup whole wheat flour.
Aladdin: Well, what do we need whole wheat for if we've got the all purpose?
Jasmine: Just go get the flour, Aladdin.
Belle: I'll go get the yeast. I've baked a loaf of bread in my time.
Kuzco: Yea, whatever. Listen, if you're all such experts, I won't bother to tell you all about what you're doing wrong.
Quasimodo: What would that be?
Kuzco: Oh, I don't think you're interested.
Quasimodo: Well, we need all the help we can get.
Pacha: Quasi, I wouldn't be pushing him.
Quasi: If he can help-
Pacha: He can't.
Quasi: Maybe he can.
Kuzco: Well, that's all I need to hear. Move aside.
(Kuzco pushes everyone aside and starts dumping ingredients together.)
Team 2:
Mulan: (reading) Grease two baking sheets.
Pocahontas: What are these sheets? I don't see any kind of fabric besides my apron.
Esmeralda: Well, obviously it means metal sheets.
Pocahontas: How was I supposed to know this? I grew up in the wild, you know.
Esmeralda: Well, I'M from PARIS.
Hercules: Ladies, let's not fight. We have to put the flour, yeast and salt all in one bowl.
Shang: (does so)
Mulan: Wait. Is that supposed to be the regular or coarse salt?
Shang: Regular goes on as topping.
Mulan: But…
Meg: Apparently this is a tricky part. Water has to be exactly the right temperature. Warm enough to activate the yeast, but not so hot it kills the yeast. Not a problem.
Esmeralda: Yes, I bet you have that problem with Hercules all the time.
Meg: WHAT???
Team 1:
Aladdin: Okay, we've got the water, oil and honey mixed together. What next?
Pacha: Keep adding flour until we've got a soft dough.
Kuzco: Watch a pro at work.
(He takes handfuls of flour and throws it all in.)
Pacha: Uh, Kuzco? You think that might be a bit too much?
Aladdin: I think this is enough for a soft dough.
Jasmine: Yes, it's perfect.
Kuzco: (hands full of flour) Oh, okay.
Jasmine: Now we have to knead it.
Quasimodo: I'll do that. I've got strong hands.
Belle: Yes, we noticed.
(He kneads the dough.)
Kuzco: I guess you really-
Mrs. L: Class, I forgot to mention. The first student to make a bad pun about kneading the dough gets an F and a month of detentions.
Kuzco: Um…I'll finish that thought later.
Team 2:
Mulan: (reading) "Cut the dough into 12 equal pieces."
Hercules: (pulls out his sword and cuts up dough.)
Esmeralda: Thanks.
Shang: Now we get to roll it into long tubes.
Meg: Oh boy. The FUN part.
(They all start rolling dough into tubes.)
Shang: Mine is too long.
Meg: Mine is too short.
Mulan: I like my long one.
(Meg steals a piece of Shang's dough)
Shang: Hey!
Hercules: Mine's short too.
(He steals from Pocahontas)
Pocahontas: Hey! I was saving that for John!
Team 1:
Pacha: "Form into a pretzel as per diagram."
Kuzco: NO PROBLEM!
(He takes his tube and ties it in a square knot.)
Kuzco: Ok, maybe I need practice.
Jasmine: (tries to make pretzel shape, finds the diagram impossible to read, and throws it in the stove.)
Belle: Hey! I was reading that!
Aladdin: (starts to eat his pretzel raw)
Quasimodo: (forms his tube into a bell shape) (To Esmeralda) Look what I made!
Esmeralda: (from other table) Very nice, Quasi!
Kuzco: Hey, quit talkin' to the other side!\
Pacha: Am I the only one who can follow a diagram?
Team 2:
(Hercules is placing the pretzels on the baking sheet.)
Meg: (reading) "Enlarge the holes with your fingers."
Shang: They aren't large enough already?
Meg: Mine are!
Pocahontas: I think my holes need to be a little larger.
Esmeralda: Mine have no holes and I like it that way!
Mulan: I'm a failure at enlarging my holes.
Shang: Don't worry, Mulan. You just have to believe in yourself.
Hercules: Yes, it's not the size of the holes; it's the size of your heart.
Mulan: Thanks, everyone. You're my best friends.
Shang: Not as good as me, though, right?
Team 1:
Aladdin: (reading) "In a small bowl, use a hand egg beater to combine 1 egg with 1 tbsp cool water. Brush-"
Kuzco: Wait-wait wait a minute. There's a few little things in that sentence that are messed.
Pacha: Yeah, what's a tbsp?
Quasimodo: What's a hand egg beater?
Jasmine: I guess you use that to beat your hand eggs.
Aladdin: What's a hand egg?
Quasimodo: Maybe you're supposed to beat it in your hand?
Pacha: That's disgusting!
Belle: (rolls eyes)
Team 2:
Meg: Okay, we've brushed the egg mixture on the pretzel, sprinkled with salt and/or sesame seeds, and put the pretzels in the oven. They'll be done in about twenty minutes.
All: Hooray!
Shang: How's team one doing?
Mulan: They look like they're arguing about something.
Pocahontas: Do they have their dough rolled out yet?
Esmeralda: It looks like they're almost done. I wonder what their problem is.
Team 1:
Aladdin: For the last time, I do not want sesame seeds!
Jasmine: Aladdin, just because I put sesame seeds on mine doesn't mean they have to go on yours.
Kuzco: (piles salt on his pretzel)
Pacha: Hey, Kuzco. Save some for us!
Jasmine: (sprinkles salt on her pretzels)
Belle: I still think Kuzco's measurements were off. These pretzels are STICKY.
Kuzco: Yeah, blame me. The guy who did NOT make the flour, but just added it in like he was asked.
Pacha: I don't know. These might turn out okay.
Quasimodo: Well, there's always God.
Aladdin: There's Allah, too!
Jasmine: Aladdin, I'm putting sesame seeds on mine and I don't care WHAT you say. You do NOT own me.
Aladdin: Okay, it's your teeth…
Team 2:
Meg: I think they're done, and they smell delicious!
(She takes them out and they are beautiful golden brown.) I can't wait to show some of these to the teacher!
Mulan: Mmm…I want mine now!
Shang: Wait for them to cool down. You don't want to get burned.
Esmeralda: Well, DUH.
Hercules: (eats his pretzels) Yum, scorchy.
Shang: Well, I'm a big tough man too.
(he bites into a pretzel)
Mulan: Well, how is it?
Shang: (mouth full) Mmmphh!
Meg: Hot?
Shang: (mouth full) Mmmphh!
Team 1:
Pacha: Ugh. What stinks?
Belle: I think the diagram Jasmine threw in there is on fire.
Quasimodo: Don't worry, it was a harmless mistake.
Aladdin: What are you talking about? She started a fire!
Belle: Don't worry; it'll go out without oxygen.
Pacha: I better get a better look at it.
(he opens the oven door. The fire fills the entire oven.)
Fire: WHOOOSH!!!
All: AAAaaahhh!!!
Kuzco: OH NO! OUR PRECIOUS PRETZELS!
Jasmine: Shut up!
Pacha: (grabs the fire extinguisher and starts spraying the inside of the oven)
Kuzco: (freaking out) They're just a little burnt…and covered with gas. They'll be okay, right???
Aladdin: (throws apron on top of fire. It ignites.)
Jasmine: Aren't those supposed to be flame-retardant?
Belle: I guess not!
Quasimodo: FIRE!
Team 2:
Meg: What's the short guy yelling about?
Shang: Are they having a stove problem or something?
Pocahontas: I smell fire.
Esmeralda: Oh no, FIRE!
(They all run over and start dumping stuff into the stove)
Quasimodo: (praying)
Jasmine: Where's Mrs. Lapchinsky???
Pocahontas: Smoking pit! Smoking pit!
Kuzco: Hurry! We can still save the pretzels!
(The fire is finally put out.)
All: Whew!
Pacha: Kuzco, I'm afraid we lost the pretzels.
Kuzco: What? But…
Aladdin: C'mon Kuzco. Always remember the time you had making them and you'll feel better.
Kuzco: I wish I could remember eating them.
Meg: C'mon, team. Let's go collect our A's.
(They leave the room. Team 1 stays and looks at the stove sadly.)
Aladdin: Well, we tried.
Belle: I can't believe they're gone.
Jasmine: I can't help but feel responsible.
Quasimodo: Well, I'm sure Kuzco's flour didn't help anything.
Kuzco: (Is at other team's kitchen, eating one of their pretzels.)
Pacha: Kuzco! What the heck are you doing?
Kuzco: Well, I figured we might as well get something out of this.
Belle: Well, it's not right. They worked hard to make those pretzels. They earned those A's.
Aladdin: (walks over and starts eating)
Jasmine: Aladdin! How could you?
Quasimodo: I hate to betray Esmeralda like this, but they smell so good…
Pacha: I can't make myself eat these pretzels!
Aladdin: Sneeze on it. Then you have the perfect excuse.
Pacha: (shrugs, and does so.)
Belle: Well, as far as I'm concerned…I went through heck working with you all. I'm going to treat myself to a delicious pretzel that SHOULD have been ours.
Jasmine: Well, it looks like I'm outvoted.
(The finishing shot goes out on the group gorging on the pretzels.)
Kuzco: Hey, do you think there's mustard?
THE END
By Silvertail
(I'd like to say that this is my first humourous Disney story. It's based on my own cooking class, although the only real similarities are the "hand egg" confusion and that once we made pretzels. Personally, I like it. Please tell me what you think.)
(Setting: A large school cooking class. There are three small kitchens in the back. Each kitchen contains counter space, a dishwasher, a stove, and a microwave. There is a fridge and washing machine/dryer in the back. Mrs. Lapchinsky, the teacher, is standing at the front of the room, and various Disney characters are listening to her.)
Mrs. L: Welcome to your first day of cooking classes! I hope this will be a valuable learning experience for all of you. Today we are making pretzels from my yummy-delicious pretzel recipe. I want all of you to split into groups, grab a recipe, wash your hands and go to work!
(There is disarray as the characters all join up together, but it's eventually done. Here is a list for reference.)
Team 1: Pacha
Aladdin
Jasmine
Belle
Quasimodo
Team 2: Mulan
Shang
Meg
Hercules
Pocahontas
Esmeralda
Mrs. L: Hmm…We seem to be short a team member.
(The door flies open.)
Kuzco: Boom, Baby!
Mrs. L: (sternly) You're late.
Kuzco: I'm always on time. It's you that's early!
Mrs. L: Nevertheless, you're joining Team 1.
Kuzco: Uhh…I don't think so. As a matter of fact, I brought my own team!
(A parade of servants comes through the door, enters the kitchen and whips up a batch of golden brown pretzels in five minutes flat.)
Kuzco: I'll just take that A now…
Mrs. L: THERE'LL BE NO SUBSTITUTES IN MY CLASS! IS THAT CLEAR???
Kuzco: Yipe!
Mrs. L: (to servants) GET OUT! (to Kuzco) YOU WILL JOIN TEAM ONE, MAKE PRETZELS, AND LIKE IT! OR WOULD YOU RATHER DIE???
Kuzco: (blink)
***
(The teams are in the kitchens, examining their respective recipes. Mrs. Lapchinsky is eating Kuzco's servant's pretzels at her desk, leaning back with her feet up on the desktop.)
Team 1:
Pacha: (reading) Let's see…we need 2 cups all-purpose flour, and 1 cup whole wheat flour.
Aladdin: Well, what do we need whole wheat for if we've got the all purpose?
Jasmine: Just go get the flour, Aladdin.
Belle: I'll go get the yeast. I've baked a loaf of bread in my time.
Kuzco: Yea, whatever. Listen, if you're all such experts, I won't bother to tell you all about what you're doing wrong.
Quasimodo: What would that be?
Kuzco: Oh, I don't think you're interested.
Quasimodo: Well, we need all the help we can get.
Pacha: Quasi, I wouldn't be pushing him.
Quasi: If he can help-
Pacha: He can't.
Quasi: Maybe he can.
Kuzco: Well, that's all I need to hear. Move aside.
(Kuzco pushes everyone aside and starts dumping ingredients together.)
Team 2:
Mulan: (reading) Grease two baking sheets.
Pocahontas: What are these sheets? I don't see any kind of fabric besides my apron.
Esmeralda: Well, obviously it means metal sheets.
Pocahontas: How was I supposed to know this? I grew up in the wild, you know.
Esmeralda: Well, I'M from PARIS.
Hercules: Ladies, let's not fight. We have to put the flour, yeast and salt all in one bowl.
Shang: (does so)
Mulan: Wait. Is that supposed to be the regular or coarse salt?
Shang: Regular goes on as topping.
Mulan: But…
Meg: Apparently this is a tricky part. Water has to be exactly the right temperature. Warm enough to activate the yeast, but not so hot it kills the yeast. Not a problem.
Esmeralda: Yes, I bet you have that problem with Hercules all the time.
Meg: WHAT???
Team 1:
Aladdin: Okay, we've got the water, oil and honey mixed together. What next?
Pacha: Keep adding flour until we've got a soft dough.
Kuzco: Watch a pro at work.
(He takes handfuls of flour and throws it all in.)
Pacha: Uh, Kuzco? You think that might be a bit too much?
Aladdin: I think this is enough for a soft dough.
Jasmine: Yes, it's perfect.
Kuzco: (hands full of flour) Oh, okay.
Jasmine: Now we have to knead it.
Quasimodo: I'll do that. I've got strong hands.
Belle: Yes, we noticed.
(He kneads the dough.)
Kuzco: I guess you really-
Mrs. L: Class, I forgot to mention. The first student to make a bad pun about kneading the dough gets an F and a month of detentions.
Kuzco: Um…I'll finish that thought later.
Team 2:
Mulan: (reading) "Cut the dough into 12 equal pieces."
Hercules: (pulls out his sword and cuts up dough.)
Esmeralda: Thanks.
Shang: Now we get to roll it into long tubes.
Meg: Oh boy. The FUN part.
(They all start rolling dough into tubes.)
Shang: Mine is too long.
Meg: Mine is too short.
Mulan: I like my long one.
(Meg steals a piece of Shang's dough)
Shang: Hey!
Hercules: Mine's short too.
(He steals from Pocahontas)
Pocahontas: Hey! I was saving that for John!
Team 1:
Pacha: "Form into a pretzel as per diagram."
Kuzco: NO PROBLEM!
(He takes his tube and ties it in a square knot.)
Kuzco: Ok, maybe I need practice.
Jasmine: (tries to make pretzel shape, finds the diagram impossible to read, and throws it in the stove.)
Belle: Hey! I was reading that!
Aladdin: (starts to eat his pretzel raw)
Quasimodo: (forms his tube into a bell shape) (To Esmeralda) Look what I made!
Esmeralda: (from other table) Very nice, Quasi!
Kuzco: Hey, quit talkin' to the other side!\
Pacha: Am I the only one who can follow a diagram?
Team 2:
(Hercules is placing the pretzels on the baking sheet.)
Meg: (reading) "Enlarge the holes with your fingers."
Shang: They aren't large enough already?
Meg: Mine are!
Pocahontas: I think my holes need to be a little larger.
Esmeralda: Mine have no holes and I like it that way!
Mulan: I'm a failure at enlarging my holes.
Shang: Don't worry, Mulan. You just have to believe in yourself.
Hercules: Yes, it's not the size of the holes; it's the size of your heart.
Mulan: Thanks, everyone. You're my best friends.
Shang: Not as good as me, though, right?
Team 1:
Aladdin: (reading) "In a small bowl, use a hand egg beater to combine 1 egg with 1 tbsp cool water. Brush-"
Kuzco: Wait-wait wait a minute. There's a few little things in that sentence that are messed.
Pacha: Yeah, what's a tbsp?
Quasimodo: What's a hand egg beater?
Jasmine: I guess you use that to beat your hand eggs.
Aladdin: What's a hand egg?
Quasimodo: Maybe you're supposed to beat it in your hand?
Pacha: That's disgusting!
Belle: (rolls eyes)
Team 2:
Meg: Okay, we've brushed the egg mixture on the pretzel, sprinkled with salt and/or sesame seeds, and put the pretzels in the oven. They'll be done in about twenty minutes.
All: Hooray!
Shang: How's team one doing?
Mulan: They look like they're arguing about something.
Pocahontas: Do they have their dough rolled out yet?
Esmeralda: It looks like they're almost done. I wonder what their problem is.
Team 1:
Aladdin: For the last time, I do not want sesame seeds!
Jasmine: Aladdin, just because I put sesame seeds on mine doesn't mean they have to go on yours.
Kuzco: (piles salt on his pretzel)
Pacha: Hey, Kuzco. Save some for us!
Jasmine: (sprinkles salt on her pretzels)
Belle: I still think Kuzco's measurements were off. These pretzels are STICKY.
Kuzco: Yeah, blame me. The guy who did NOT make the flour, but just added it in like he was asked.
Pacha: I don't know. These might turn out okay.
Quasimodo: Well, there's always God.
Aladdin: There's Allah, too!
Jasmine: Aladdin, I'm putting sesame seeds on mine and I don't care WHAT you say. You do NOT own me.
Aladdin: Okay, it's your teeth…
Team 2:
Meg: I think they're done, and they smell delicious!
(She takes them out and they are beautiful golden brown.) I can't wait to show some of these to the teacher!
Mulan: Mmm…I want mine now!
Shang: Wait for them to cool down. You don't want to get burned.
Esmeralda: Well, DUH.
Hercules: (eats his pretzels) Yum, scorchy.
Shang: Well, I'm a big tough man too.
(he bites into a pretzel)
Mulan: Well, how is it?
Shang: (mouth full) Mmmphh!
Meg: Hot?
Shang: (mouth full) Mmmphh!
Team 1:
Pacha: Ugh. What stinks?
Belle: I think the diagram Jasmine threw in there is on fire.
Quasimodo: Don't worry, it was a harmless mistake.
Aladdin: What are you talking about? She started a fire!
Belle: Don't worry; it'll go out without oxygen.
Pacha: I better get a better look at it.
(he opens the oven door. The fire fills the entire oven.)
Fire: WHOOOSH!!!
All: AAAaaahhh!!!
Kuzco: OH NO! OUR PRECIOUS PRETZELS!
Jasmine: Shut up!
Pacha: (grabs the fire extinguisher and starts spraying the inside of the oven)
Kuzco: (freaking out) They're just a little burnt…and covered with gas. They'll be okay, right???
Aladdin: (throws apron on top of fire. It ignites.)
Jasmine: Aren't those supposed to be flame-retardant?
Belle: I guess not!
Quasimodo: FIRE!
Team 2:
Meg: What's the short guy yelling about?
Shang: Are they having a stove problem or something?
Pocahontas: I smell fire.
Esmeralda: Oh no, FIRE!
(They all run over and start dumping stuff into the stove)
Quasimodo: (praying)
Jasmine: Where's Mrs. Lapchinsky???
Pocahontas: Smoking pit! Smoking pit!
Kuzco: Hurry! We can still save the pretzels!
(The fire is finally put out.)
All: Whew!
Pacha: Kuzco, I'm afraid we lost the pretzels.
Kuzco: What? But…
Aladdin: C'mon Kuzco. Always remember the time you had making them and you'll feel better.
Kuzco: I wish I could remember eating them.
Meg: C'mon, team. Let's go collect our A's.
(They leave the room. Team 1 stays and looks at the stove sadly.)
Aladdin: Well, we tried.
Belle: I can't believe they're gone.
Jasmine: I can't help but feel responsible.
Quasimodo: Well, I'm sure Kuzco's flour didn't help anything.
Kuzco: (Is at other team's kitchen, eating one of their pretzels.)
Pacha: Kuzco! What the heck are you doing?
Kuzco: Well, I figured we might as well get something out of this.
Belle: Well, it's not right. They worked hard to make those pretzels. They earned those A's.
Aladdin: (walks over and starts eating)
Jasmine: Aladdin! How could you?
Quasimodo: I hate to betray Esmeralda like this, but they smell so good…
Pacha: I can't make myself eat these pretzels!
Aladdin: Sneeze on it. Then you have the perfect excuse.
Pacha: (shrugs, and does so.)
Belle: Well, as far as I'm concerned…I went through heck working with you all. I'm going to treat myself to a delicious pretzel that SHOULD have been ours.
Jasmine: Well, it looks like I'm outvoted.
(The finishing shot goes out on the group gorging on the pretzels.)
Kuzco: Hey, do you think there's mustard?
THE END