A Clerks fan fic: Hardly Clerkin
Written By, Gabe Ricard
Based on characters created by View Askew
Well here it is my much-talked about Clerks fan fic. I'm hoping this will be the definitive Clerks fan fic and had a really good time writing this. Enjoy the story and let me know how much you either hated or liked it.
"Explain to me again why I have to leave with you when the video store doesn't open for another five hours."
"Because, I don't want you hanging around my house alone for five hours."
Randal got into Dante's car as Dante did and glared at him. "It's not my fault my house is being sprayed for roaches."
"It's your fault for choosing to come crawling to me in your time of need so stop whining." Randal said nothing only yawning and drifting asleep. Dante pulled out of his house and headed for Quick Stop.
"You hear Arthur quit?" asked Randal a couple hours later sitting behind the counter with Dante.
Dante's eyes widened as he looked up at Randal. "You're joking."
Randal shook his head; "No I'm not. He quit a couple days ago."
"Why?"
"He said he was tired of dealing with the customers as well as me."
"The boss told me Arthur would be here to take over at 12!"
Randal flipped a page of his magazine and snickered. "Looks like you're closing again tonight."
"Fuck! I closed Monday and the day before yesterday! What about Vincent?"
"I don't know where that psycho fuck is."
Before Dante could reply a man wearing shorts and a party naked T-shirt walked up to the counter. Dante turned from Randal to look at the man at the counter who had an eerie, glazed look in his eyes. "Can I help you?"
"I NEED COFFEE!"
Dante and Randal jumped back. "There's coffee over there." said Dante pointing to the coffee machine. The man gave no reply instead stumbled over to the coffee machine, yanking the pot out and drinking its contents never once flinching despite the coffee being incredibly hot. The coffee man dropped the pot and just as quickly as he came in, stumbled out the door.
"That sure as hell isn't something id want to deal with at eight am." Said Randal.
"Tell me about it. That guy shows up again I'm calling the cops." Replied Dante picking up the pot, putting it back in the machine, and, turning it on before heading back to the counter.
"Where were you last night? We where supposed to grab a bite to eat after I got off work."
"Date with the girl who works at Food City" Replied Dante.
"Really? How did it-"
"Go open the video store." Said Dante cutting Randal off.
"That bad huh?"
"Go open the video store." Repeated Dante.
"It doesn't open for another three hours." Whined Randal. Dante replied by shooting Randal a vicious glare. "Okay, okay…Jesus." Randal got from behind the counter and left. Dante dropped his head into his arms and sighed. He had been on three dates in a year and all of them ended horribly. He knew it was his fault since to him these days dating seemed like a waste of time after what had happened with Veronica and what had happened when he paid Caitlin a visit during Christmas last year. Off and on he would try to get in touch with Veronica but as he figured would happen she still wanted no part of him. He sighed again and went back to the magazine he was reading.
"Randal Graves! Wake up!"
Randal shot up and looked around rubbing his eyes. He glanced up at the clock and realized it was 11:30. He looked in front of him to see a woman in her mid thirties.
"What?" asked Randal annoyed at being woken up. The woman said nothing only pulling out a piece of paper and slamming it onto the counter.
"That's a nice piece of paper you have there."
"This is a petition of twenty signatures to have you fired from your job at RST video in order to put an end to your corruption of our children and to give the position to someone who will treat the customers with the respect they deserve!"
Randal surprised anyone even cared picked up the piece of paper and studied it and almost burst out laughing when he saw Vincent's name at the top of the list. Randal then looked up at the woman held the paper in front of her and in one swift motion tore it in two and threw it at the woman. "This is what we mean!" she cried. "Now I can see why Vincent came to us about this! Mark my words, you have not heard the last of us!"
"You're Mrs.Jones aren't you?"
Mrs.Jones nodded flustered. "Yes! What does it matter!"
Randal punched a few keys into the computer then looked up. "You owe $20.50 in late fees." The woman said nothing and simply stormed out. Randal stood in silence for a moment taking in the events that had just occurred before jumping over the counter and heading next door.
"You'll never believe what just happened to me." Began Randal walking into Quick Stop and going to the counter. Before he could continue his story Dante held up a hand to hush him then pointed ahead. Randal looked ahead to see the man from earlier this morning slamming down another pot of boiling hot coffee.
"Java-Man's back?" grinned Randal. Dante nodded. "Aren't you going to call the cops?" asked Randal.
Dante shook his head and held up a fifty-dollar bill. "This should cover both pots of coffee." Randal said nothing quickly moving behind the counter as Java Man stumbled out. "What where you saying?" asked Dante putting the money in the register.
Randal shrugged, "Doesn't matter. So what happened at this date?"
Dante sighed, "It was actually pretty good until we went back to her house."
"She turned out to be a guy again huh?"
"Not this time. Anyway we where going at it most of our clothes where off when she slowly began to move south."
"You poor thing. I always feel for the guy who gets head on a first date."
Dante glared. "So she's working it and this girls amazing but she reminds me of someone."
"Your mother?"
Dante ignored Randal and continued his story. "Normally I would be able to push this sort of thing out of mine but considering my blissful state and how familiar her tactics are my mind isn't in the right place. Which was why as she was going down on me I moaned the name Veronica."
"You called out Veronicas name?"
"Four times."
Randal burst out laughing. "That's messed up."
"Tell me about it." Sighed Dante.
"You're so fucked up. One girl in the asylum, one in the grave, another that wont ever speak to you again and another that's forced to hear you call out the name of a girl you broke up with god knows how long ago."
"Well. At least I didn't call out the name of my best friend as I climaxed." Replied Dante.
Randal's head jerked up and swung back to face Dante. "Who the fuck told you that?"
"Trisha Jones."
"When the fuck was this?"
"Monday morning, she came in for Orange Juice."
"I told you before, people say crazy shit during sex." Shot back Randal trying to salvage himself.
Dante stifled laughter, "Sure Randal whatever you say."
Randal glared and headed for the door. "At least I didn't try to suck my own dick." He mumbled pushing the door open and storming out. Dante grinned feeling extremely satisfied.
"Shit! I'm fucked, I'm fucked." Cried Randal busting into Quick Stop an hour later.
Dante looked up, "Back already?"
"Jesus man you gotta help me I'm in deep shit!"
"What's wrong?"
"You know my cousin Katherine right?"
"Yea."
"Well awhile back I was in really big trouble and needed 300 bucks in a hurry. Katherine said she would lend me the money but she made me swear on the Graves/Bruce name that I would owe her a favor which could be anything she wants. Being the desperate fool I was I agreed and now, I gotta pay that favor back."
"Since when do you ever make good on a promise?"
"You don't understand when you swear on the Graves/Bruce name you HAVE to make good on it no matter what."
"What does she want you to do?"
"She wants me to come to her house and watch her five year old sons birthday party."
"So? That doesn't sound so bad."
"You don't understand. This just isn't any birthday this is the ultimate five year old birthday part there's like 20 kids there!"
"Wow. So when do you have to go?"
"Right now."
"Have fun."
"I need you to come with me."
"What? Why?"
"I can't do this shit alone!" cried Randal.
"Who's going to watch the store?"
"I will." Came a voice. Dante and Randal spun around to the door to see Vincent standing in the doorway.
"See? Angst boy will watch the store for us."
Dante was about to protest but knew it was futile. "How long?" he asked hanging his head low.
"It's only one and we'll be four hours, tops."
Dante turned to Vincent and sighed. "We'll be back at five I swear."
"Take your time I welcome the opportunity to prove to those in charge my superiority in maintaining a convenience store over yours."
Dante said nothing pushing the door open and walking out with Randal in tow. Vincent watched them go and grinned darkly. "Soon Randal Graves I will have my revenge." He turned around to walk to the counter but felt someone tap him on the shoulder.
"Yes? Can I help you?"
"I NEED COFFEE!"
"You owe me." Reminded Dante walking up the driveway of Roundel's cousin with Randal.
"Yea, yea."
"You brought a movie?" asked Dante pointing to the move in Randal's hand.
"Yea, some Mooby shit." Replied Randal knocking on the door.
"Thank god you're here!" exclaimed Katherine opening the door.
Randal sighed, "I owe you right?"
"You do. Anyway the kids just ate like 10 pounds of candy so they should be okay. I'll be back in a few hours but the party will be over at 3:30 and you don't need to clean up."
"Why do you need to go out anyway?" asked Dante.
"Oh look at the time!" said Katherine looking at a watch that wasn't there. "I'm going to be late, see you in a few hours." Before Randal and Dante could say anything Katherine nearly streaked to her car and pulled out of her driveway so fast she knocked her garbage cans over.
"Ready?" asked Randal.
"No."
"Sure you are." Randal stood there in silence for a moment before opening the door and walking in. "They're little kids how bad could it be?"
Ten minutes later
"Ow! My leg you evil, little shit!" cried Dante pushing off a little kid which had clung to Dante's leg and bit him. Dante clutched his leg in pain and tried to get up but was bombarded with hamburger patties which caused him to fall back and get piled on by twelve hyper five-year-olds. "I hope Randal has a better time than I am." Thought Dante moments before one little kid ran him over with a Tricycle.
"Stop jumping around and I'll cut the fucking cake!" cried Randal trying in vain to yell over the voices of 15 screaming children. Randal was about to cut the cake but felt something hit him in the back of the head which caused to fall onto the cake. Randal slowly pulled his face out of the cake and whipped most of it away. "Okay, who's ready for a movie?"
"Well aint this some sad shit right here." Dante threw another little kid off his head and looked up.
"You two?"
"Don't be so surprised." Said Jay standing next to Silent Bob. "Lunchbox's nephew is here."
Dante got to his feet and dusted himself off. "Which one?" Silent Bob took a drag of his cigarette and pointed to a large child who bore a striking resemblance to Bob.
"Hurry up and say hi so we can get the hell out of here." Silent Bob nodded and walked over to his nephew.
"How long you two gonna be here?" asked Dante ducking a ball which nearly beamed him in the head
"Until tons of fun says hi to his cousin. Why?"
"Will you stay and help us out?"
"Fuck no."
"Give you fifty bucks." Pleaded Dante.
"Fuck yea."
"Hope this works." Sighed Randal slipping the tape into the VCR and hitting play. Randal stood back awaiting the start of Mooby the Golden Calf but instead was greeted with the title Ass Blasters From Outer Space. "Shit, brought a porn." Thought Randal reaching over to turn the movie off but then stopping as he realized the children had quieted down. He turned around to see that all the children had stopped jumping around and where now completely engrossed. Thinking better of turning it off, Randal slowly backed off and walked into the other room to check on Dante.
"So what's his cousins name?" asked Dante looking over at Silent Bob who was still talking to his nephew.
"Kevin." Replied Jay pulling a blunt out of his pocket.
"No! You're not gonna light up in here!"
"Relax yo."
"What are these two junkie dick lickers doing here?" asked Randal walking into the room ducking a plate which was been flung at his head.
"Fuck you you cock smoking clerk!" snapped Jay. "Me and the tubby bitch are pulling out now later."
"Wait a damn minute!" said Dante. "You said you'd hang around and help me! I even paid you fifty bucks!"
"I lied." Grinned Jay. "Should have waited to pay me, snoogins" He walked over to Silent Bob who was playfully wrestling with several children and smacked him in the head. "Get up Silent Bob we got other shit to do." Silent Bob glared and slowly got to his feet slapping Kevin's hand and slowly turning around and walking out of the house with Jay.
"How much longer?" asked Dante.
Randal glanced up at the clock on the wall. "Couple hours."
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this. Were are the other kids?"
"Watching a movie."
"You got them to be quiet with a movie? What are they watching?"
"Children's programming."
"Thank god Katherine came home an hour early." Said Randal driving back to Quick Stop with Dante.
"Yea, she was none too pleased about the fact that all the kids where watching porn and most of them where stoned from when Jay was smoking."
"We did the best job possible." Replied Randal. "Besides at least we didn't take care of kids the way my cousin Walter did."
"How did he take care of children?" asked Dante.
"He'd stuff them in an oven and tell them for every sound they made he would turn the oven up a hundred degrees. Dante did not say a word until they pulled into Quick Stop.
"Go open the video store." Said Dante stopping Randal from coming into the store. Randal sighed and turned around walking into the video store.
"Hey Vincent, thanks for watching the store."
"Is Randal at the video store?"
"Yea, why?" Vincent gave no reply grabbing his jacket off the counter and walking out the door.
"I hate children." Was all Dante managed to say dropping his head on the counter. At that moment for some truly bizarre reason Dante decided to try and phone Veronica. "I doubt this will work anyway." Thought Dante picking up the phone and dialing Veronicas number.
"Hello?"
"Veronica?" asked Dante his heart freezing at the sound of Veronicas voice.
"This has been a really long day." Thought Randal, sitting behind the counter watching Phantom Menace. "What the hell's that sound?" he wondered aloud getting up and jumping over the counter and stopping at the sight of a dozen woman pounding at the door. Randal took a step back and as he did the door burst open and the women stampeded over Randal and began beating him mercilessly with their purses. Randal tried to get to his feet but was hit in the face then in the stomach with a purse that felt like a brick and crumpled over in pain as the small army of angry women continued their assault.
"YES!" Dante jumped up in the air. "I've got an hour before I go meet Veronica and I need someone to close." Dante jumped in the air again and sprinted out the door and headed for RST. "Holy shit!" Dante stopped at the sight of the crowd of women beating on something that looked like Randal. Dante pushed the door open and instantly an idea came to him. He saw the fire extinguisher behind the counter and grabbed it, aimed it at the mob and, blasted them. Dante leaped in front of them never letting up until they finally charged out the door getting into some of the cars that where parked across the street and driving away but not before one of them whipped her bag into Dante's face gashing his fore head open.
"How's your head?" asked Dante applying a bandage to his forehead and putting an ice bag on his head.
"Not good." Groaned Randal who had four ice bags on his head, shoulder, leg, and chest. "What about you?"
"I'm okay. The only thing they did to me was whip a purse into my face."
"I know who caused this too." Said Randal.
"Who?"
"Who do you think? That psycho fuck Vincent!"
Dante thought for a moment then nodded in agreement. "He obviously wants your job."
"What gave it away?"
Meanwhile at the Marlboro Home For The Emotionally Troubled
"Any changes?" asked Caitlin Bree's mother standing outside Caitlin's room next to a doctor.
"I'm afraid not." Replied the doctor. "She briefly came out of her coma last Christmas eve. However after a confrontation with a visitor whose name I believe was Dante Hicks she quickly went back into her coma.
"Dante…" growled Caitlin's mother. "Can I go see her now?"
"Of course." The doctor smiled and pushed the door open.
"Hi Caitlin." Said her mother walking into the room and kneeling down next to her daughter who lay slumped in the far corner of the room. "Your father Sang sends his best wishes. One day Caitlin I swear to god you will get better and we'll make that son of a bitch Dante pay. Here's a little something in case you come out of your coma early." She looked around then slipped a screwdriver into her pants pocket. She sat with her daughter stroking her hair for several minutes before finally getting up and walking out the door.
"Murray, lock up." Said the doctor to the man in a white shirt and pants standing next to the door.
"Sure thing Dr. Smith." The doctor nodded and walked down the hall with Caitlin's mother.
Murray watched them go then turned around to shut the door and felt two hands grab his head and pull him into the cell slamming the door as he flew in there.
"That son of bitch Dante WILL pay." Said Caitlin standing over the unconscious guard with the screwdriver. She quickly ran to the window unscrewing the bars the grabbing the guards nightstick and shattering the window as quietly as she could then leaping out the window. Once in the parking lot, Caitlin jumped into the nearest car and sped off.
Back at Quick Stop
"You're going home?"
Randal nodded. "Yea I feel like shit. I'll probably call in sick tomorrow."
Dante sighed. "I'll probably be forced to close again."
"One day my friend, you're going to have to show some balls."
"Maybe, need a ride?"
"Got one. Supposed to meet him at Comic Toast. Later man."
"Take it easy." Randal nodded and walked out. Dante glanced up at the clock as a horrible realization came over him. "Holy Shit Veronica!" Dante was about to bolt out the door but stopped as he also realized that at this rate he would be four hours late and going now would be futile. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." He mumbled, walking behind the counter.
"There he is." Cackled Caitlin, pulling into Quick Stop. She jumped out of the car and was about to storm into the store and extract her revenge but stopped at Dante's face. At that moment a flooding of memories came to her. Memories of all the good times she and Dante shared and what he had said to her on Christmas Eve. Soon, only moments after pulling into the driveway with the intent to kill she now wanted Dante to hold her in her arms more than anything.
"Can I help you?" asked Dante not looking up from the magazine he was looking at.
"Hello Dante." Said Caitlin.
Dante nearly jumped out of his boots at the sound of Caitlin's voice. "C…Caitlin?!"
"In the flesh." She smiled slowly walking behind the counter
"I thought you where in the Marlboro home." Stammered Dante leaning back on the counter.
"I felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer me so I released myself." She walked closer and closer to Dante and soon had him backed against the counter.
"Why did you break out?"
"To be with you." She smiled. Before Dante could say another word Caitlin grabbed the back of his head and pulled his face onto hers, kissing him deeply. For a few moments, sheer bliss was all that ran through Dante's mind. Then, a picture of Veronica flashed in his head and he knew what he wanted.
"Caitlin, no!" Dante pushed Caitlin off of him. "Caitlin…I'm sorry for the longest time I thought that I could be happy if I was with you but I realized that was along time ago and now I love Veronica. I didn't truly realize it until a little while ago and even then didn't have the courage to come to you and break it off. I'm sorry…"
Caitlin stood in shocked silence for a moment before her thoughts and reasons for wanting to kill Dante reentered her mind. "You son of a bitch! I'll fucking cut your dick off and feed it to you through your ass you fuck!" Caitlin let out a shrill scream and leaped onto Dante wrapping her hands around his throat and violently strangling him. "Die!" she screamed over and over again.
"Get away from him you fucking whore!" cried a familiar voice. Caitlin let go of Dante and turned around to meet a fist which cracked into her nose knocking her to the floor out cold.
"Veronica?" Dante fell off the counter clutching his throat. Veronica ran over to him and held his head up looking him in the eyes."
"Veronica, I-"
"It's okay Dante I heard everything you said. I love you."
"I…love you too." Was all Dante managed to say before grabbing Veronica and locking her in an embrace he hoped he would never have to release.
"I think she'll be going away for a long time." Smiled Dante as the police shoved Caitlin into a car.
"Dante! What that hell happened here?"
"Mr. Synder?" asked Dante turning around to see his boss.
"What is it with you and customers here?! I have a good mind to fire your sorry ass!"
"Mr. Snyder?"
"What?!"
"I'm taking the rest of the week off. I'll be in Monday." Dante's boss was about to protest but fell silent as Dante tossed him the keys and walked to his car, his arm around Veronica.
End.
Well how did ya like it? I really hope to get some feedback on this so let me know what you thought. Thanks for reading and keep an eye out for my future stuff.