An author's note: In this story, vampires can get drunk. Just so you know. Doesn't work any other way.
"All right, girls!" Alice called in a clipped, yet still musical voice among all the Hindu courtesan harem-like decorations. "The decorations are perfect, the bar is ready, and we are kicking it, the strippers are on their way with no mishaps..."
Rosalie smoothed her hair. Bella looked in the mirror at what some generous soul might call a dress. "Can I have another appletini?" she said.
"Help yourself," replied Alice.
Bella downed another magarita, her chalk white cheeks gaining some color.
Rosalie inspected her heels needlessly and went to get the doorbell.
"Hola, my name is Romero," said one of the strippers. He looked Rosalie up and down with the glance of a man who likes what he sees.
"I'm Rosalie Hale," replied the vampire.
"A pleasure," he replied.
The strippers filed in, Bella going from tipsy to drunk as they stood upon the platform.
Romero, the leader among them, was dropping his drawers as there was a giant crash through the wall.
"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen," growled Rosalie.
"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen" screamed Esme.
"Edward, you little..." Alice burst into a stream of giant profanities. "You did not just crash this bachelorette party, collapse a wall in our new house, and ruin Rosalie's celebration!"
"Yes," replied Edward, having no sense of self perservation, "I did."
Bella gasped. "Oh no you di-n't," exclaimed Alice, stretching on her toes to look him in the eye. "Oh, yes I di-id," replied Edward.
"Are you drunk, honey?" called Bella from the back of the room.
"Um... a little?" said Edward sheepishly.
"That's all right, I am too," replied Bella, patting the bed. Edward sank into the cushions.
"Oh no, EDWARD ANTHONY!" screeched Rosalie. "You do not just crash my party and cuddle up with your inebriated wife! No, it doesn't work that way! You do not just get to break through a wall and-,"
"Excuse me?" said a Romero in boxers. "Should we go now?"
"Yes, take the tip jar!" called Alice.
"AND GET LUCKY! Do you have any idea what you've done? You've messed with a ROSALIE HALE party! And NO ONE on this PLANET messes with a ROSALIE HALE party and lives!" She then let loose a stream of creative, disgusting, and terrifying profanities involving Edward's mother, spoon, sex life, parentage, wife, and ability to hunt.
Edward looked very, very scared.
"YES, you should be scared, you son of a beekeeper!"
"Call Jasper and Emmett, Esme, please?" said Rosalie to her mother.
"Yes, dear," said Esme, scared.
"Tell them they better come here," chirped Alice.
Esme nodded.
Jasper and Emmett quickly walked through the wall. Emmett noticed Rosalie giving Edward That Look. The look that had caused the Great Concert Fire of 1985.
"Rose baby, we'll have another party," soothed Emmett while simultaneously glaring at Edward.
"Can I throw cinderblocks at him?" sobbed Rose.
"Of course!" said Esme, still sobbing over her wall.
"I have an idea," ventured Bella. "Let's make the boys play games," she said wickedly. "Like Would You Rather?"
Rosalie smiled vindictively as she threw a cinderblock. "It's a start," she said.They all sat in a circle around the bed nervously, some on chairs, some on the edge of the bed.
"Edward, would you rather watch Alice and Bella get busy or gouge your eyes out with hot saucy spoons?" said Rosalie.
"Spoons!" said Edward.
"Liar," muttered Jasper.
"Alice... would you rather kill Jasper with a pointy stick or a cinderblock?" asked Edward.
Alice considered this, and then replied, "Cinderblock."
"What?" Jasper said.
"Well, Jazzy, I wouldn't want to kill you, but a pointy stick wouldn't even do anything!" said Alice defensively.
Jasper still looked wounded, but moved on to Esme, still sobbing by her wall.
"Esme, would you rather kill Edward or me?"
"I can't kill you both?" asked Esme, glaring.
"What is it with the hypothetical violence toward me tonight?" exclaimed Jasper.
"Be glad it's hypothetical," muttered Edward, still being hit with the occasional cinderblock by Rosalie.
"My turn, Jazzy... you skipped me!" exclaimed Alice. "Emmett would you rather kiss me or Bella?"
"Bella," said Emmett without thinking. Rosalie glared and threw a cinderblock at her husband. "Ouch... out of the two, Rose! I would so much rather kiss you out of all the women in the world if you were included!" Edward rolled his eyes.
Rosalie returned to throwing cinderblocks at her brother and not her husband, who continued to wince and growl at Emmett.
"Jasper... would you rather have Alice never ever speak to you again or swallow a bomb?"
Jasper said, "Bomb. I could still spend time with her." Edward pouted.
Bella shouted, "Rosalie... would you rather be a human and not be able to have children, or be a vampire and be able to? Hey... your hair's like a pretty rainbow..."
"Vampire... it's easier to snap necks," hissed Rosalie. Bella giggled... she was way far gone. Edward winced as the eighteenth cinderblock cracked against his skin.
"Edward... would you rather be a male stripper or a serial killer?"
"Well... I did have a brief period in which I was..." Bella smacked him. "Fine, stripper. But only for Bella."
"No other way, Eddy-kins."
Emmett giggled. "Esme... would you rather have your own child or us?" inquired Emmett.
Esme looked open-mouthed and attacked her son.
After a lot of tossing and turning, Jasper suggested, "Perhaps a new game?"
"Couples Dare Circle!" squealed Alice.
Edward and Bella looked up. Bella readjusted her blouse, waving and giggling stupidly, while Edward buttoned his pants. Emmett quirked an eyebrow.
They all got in a circle, Bella and Edward in each other's laps.
"Bella, Edward, we dare you to come in as the bad examples in the abstinence class Carlisle is teaching," said Emmett.
"Huh? Oh, sure."
They retreated into the bathroom.
Ignoring the moaning as best they could, Emmett and Rosalie said, "Jasper cannot wham Aice for two weeks!"
Alice said, "No big..." while Jasper looked very scared. "It's not just the whamming it's the whole experience..." Jasper looked even more scared.
"For, that Emmett and Rosalie, teach a class on abstinence."
The irony made them drop their mouths open and howl.
Edward and Bella came out of the bathroom looking considerably more sober.
"Can we play Spin the Bottle?" suggested Rosalie.
They blinked, but the intoxicated vampires gathered in a circle.
"If it lands on the opposite gender, a French kiss. If it lands on the same gender, a regular kiss. If it lands on your partner, the closet. If it lands on the same person twice, into the closet."
It landed on Bella and Alice. They grinned identical evil grins and kissed. Alice spun the bottle ever so slightly so it landed on the two again. They went into the closet. Edward watched every swing of Bella's hip as they went in, as did Jasper. "What's going on in there?" asked Emmett.
"Well, they're giggling and putting on their tank-tops. And kissing a little, just some nuzzling..." Edward broke off to pant a little. Jasper was filling the room with lust.
Then they walked out, Alice's hand on the small of her sister's back. They were wearing blue spaghetti tanks with the words "I'd go lesbian for a Cullen girl," emblazoned on the front. Alice tossed Rosalie one too. She looked at it like she would a posionous snake.
The bottle went for a spin again and landed on Emmett and Edward.
The two brothers looked absolutely panicked.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Carlisle burst through the hole in the wall.
"Hello, family! Wait..." He frowned, perplexed.
"Shall we end this party, dear?" ventured Esme to Rosalie.
Rosalie let loose a stream of curses, and finally said, "WELL THAT'S JUST FREAKING DANDY!", threw the last five cinderblocks at Edward, and sashayed out of the room in grand Rosalie Hale style.
"And yet the question remains..." mused Emmett, "why were there cinderblocks in the corner at any rate?"
COMING UP: CULLENARY EDUCATION! SEX EDUCATION ROSETT AND BEDWARD STYLE!