School Daze

Chapter 01:

"A Most Embarrassing Predicament"

Hiei didn't like his holding cell much. It was small, for one thing, not even big enough to mock-spar in, and he didn't enjoy the prospect of sitting immobile in a room for more than a few hours at a time, for another. His wandering nature egged him on, made his muscles twitch beneath his skin, made him consider rushing the door at the first sign of it opening, but he knew the wards on the walls would keep him inside no matter how many escape attempts he executed. He was just too weak after his run-in with that blasted Spirit Detective, too weak to even…

He cracked an eye open, counting the number of talismans—strips of paper marked with black symbols and golden seals—decorating his Spirit World prison. There were many, it seemed that the child-prince Koenma was desperate to keep him fenced in, and each and every talisman seemed to mock him. You can't get past me, I am an impenetrable barrier of doom, I own you! their black font screamed. Each seal was a watching eye, a Cyclops of malice and imprisonment.

Teeth ground together as Hiei closed his eyes again, settling down even further into his slumped seat against the wall. Most of his face lay concealed behind the mound of his white scarf. Oh, he mused in the haven of his mind, he could have easily fried those wards and escaped at one point during his life, in the time before the Jagan dropped his power level down from upper A-class demon to nothing stronger than a D-class weakling, but he didn't regret his decision to acquire the eye at all. The powers it would afford him—the powers he could have once he trained, grew used to it, and learned the ins and outs of its scope and depth—would more than make up for his momentary weakness.

Still, Hiei wasn't totally satisfied with himself; if one were to be perfectly frank, that dissatisfaction was the thing wholly responsible for landing him in this Spirit World jail in the first place. He had been impatient to get stronger after the Jagan surgery, and that impatience was what had driven him to steal the Artifacts of Darkness from the Spirit World. He had been planning on using the items as a placeholder for his lost power, at least until he managed to make full use of the Jagan and gain it back, and his plan would have worked out quite well, too, had a certain meddling Spirit Detective not gotten in his way…

Damn that human boy, he thought with an audible growl that no one but his empty cell bore witness to. Damn him and Koenma both. I'll rip their innards from their bodies with pleasure if I ever get the chance.

Thinking about the error in that statement, he amended: I'd rip the guts from any human if I could!

Shoulders tensed a second later as Hiei felt an energy signature—a massive one, an upper-A class, though Hiei didn't know the lettergrade-classifications quite yet and simply thought of that particular signature in terms like massive, bestial, gargantuan—come breezing down the hall. A key clicked in his cell's lock, and when he heard hinges squeal open he let his eyelids part.

The member of the Spirit Defense Force was tall, broad-shouldered, and pissed beneath his pretty-boy white hair and ice blue eyes. "On your feet," he snapped, and Hiei—knowing that resistance would be both foolish and embarrassing—stood up, smirked, and walked out of his cell. Two more SDF agents stood waiting in the hallway, their uniform armor looking like it had never seen the battlefield. Hiei could feel the power in them, however, and knew that was probably not the case.

"We're taking you to see Koenma," the original Spirit Defense Fighter said.

"No funny business," said another. This one was short with green hair and orange eyes, but he was as muscular as a bull.

"Any signs of resistance and we kill you," said the third. She stood the tallest of the three, and her power was the most noticeable. Hiei made a mental note to watch out for that one—brown braid, golden eyes, oval face, and pretty. Pretty but deadly and probably not the type to take his shit lying down, in fact.

So, Hiei just grunted and let the woman lead them all out of the cell block. Other inmates watched him go in silence, and without seeming to he let his red gaze wander over the bars of the other cells. Demons and renegade human souls stared at him with a mixture of hate and fear, but he ignored the looks in favor of searching for cool green eyes, ones that assessed and waited instead of seething like a caged tiger…

Hiei wasn't sure if he was pleased or disappointed to not see Kurama lurking in any cell they passed.

It didn't take long to reach Koenma's office, and the ogres and ferry girls they passed in the halls leading to it gave Hiei and his escort a wide berth. He caught more than one of them whispering about the Artifact thief, caught by the new detective!, but he restrained himself to merely glaring at them. One short ferrygirl with red hair fainted dead away.

"Don't do that," said the short SDF, and Hiei grimaced as they opened the office doors. Inside the room was bare and blank, the white tile on the walls making their voices echo. A large screen behind an even larger desk made the child standing in the chair between them look even tinier than he was, and Hiei stopped dead in his tracks to stare.

"This is the ruler of the Spirit World?" he asked, tone mocking as he stared at Koenma's pudgy face and pacifier, and the SDF stared at Hiei in horror. Koenma himself grew livid, face purpling in a way more befitting of a drunken man of middle age than a toddler. "I wasn't aware they let children in on the secrets of the universe."

"This child," Koenma retorted, "happens to have your very fate in his hands. I'd suggest you remember that before mouthing off again."

"Or what?" Hiei sneered.

Koenma's glare could have melted rock. "Or I'll have the reapers behind you do their job, like they've been wanting to for the past two weeks."

"It's been hard not to visit and give you the beatdown in that cell," said the blue-eyed SDF. He cracked his knuckles in one hand. "You embarrassed our junior members by breaking in, and you embarrassed our boss in front of King Yama himself. I was hoping for an execution, but—"

"That's enough, Inari," the female SDF snapped.

"But Omura—"

"Enough, I said," she said, eyes flashing. She turned back to Koenma. "Sir. I believe we are here to discuss this felon's punishment."

"Right," said Koenma, and he flipped open the file on his desk. "You have five counts of assault on Spirit World personnel, two counts of assault on the humans Yukimura Keiko and Urameshi Yusuke, three counts of theft, and—"

Hiei promptly stopped listening. His rap sheet was miles long, and whatever they did to him he knew he could handle, hence his composure.

That composure was shattered, however, when the doors to the room burst open.

"Koenma, sir!" a blue ore in a loincloth called, arms around a porcelain tub of water and ice cubes. It sloshed onto the floor as the ogre tried to carry the massive object over to the toddler's desk. "I brought the bath for your butt, Koenma sir!"

The jaws of the SDF dropped as one. Hiei's eyes opened as wide as they could go, mouth parting in surprise.

Koenma just froze. A bead of sweat bubbled on his temple, fists clenched atop the table as his face said this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't—

"You must be so tired of standing in your chair all the time," the ogre said, jovial and totally unaware of his discomfited audience. He probably couldn't even see them over the top of the tub he carried. "King Enma's spankings sure are terrible, aren't they sir? No wonder you need an ice bath for your butt—it's probably going to be sore for another week!" He set he tub down on the desk with a tidal wave of icy water.

"George," Koenma said. His body shook as his face grew redder, redder, and then even redder. "What have I told you about checking the room before bringing up my personal matters?"

George's grin vanished, and he turned toward the others for the first time.

"Oh," he said in a small voice. "Oh. I see. You have visitors." He turned to Koenma and scratched the back of his neck, smiling with nerves jumping in every line of his face. "Koenma sir, I didn't mean to bring up your spankings in front of other people, but—"

But George couldn't finish because at that point Koenma had grabbed him by the throat and was shaking him as hard as his pudgy arms could manage. "I HATE YOU!" Koenma was screaming. "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE—"

"Please have mercy, Koenma sir!" George the Ogre choked out, eyes streaming as he fought to breathe.

Koenma's red face turned mauve. "Mercy? MERCY? Why should I show you MERCY when you just embarrassed me in front of—"

And then Koenma stopped.

Hiei, you see, had started to laugh.

Hiei does not laugh very often, and when he does the sound is usually enough to make his enemies turn tail and run away in terror. He has the habit of inflecting bloodlust, despair, and dark menace into each peal of sound, and the flashing of his eyes says I am going to kill you, you fool, so run while you still can and before I break your legs and make running nothing more than a fond and forgotten dream.

But this laugh was not that laugh.

This laugh was different.

"The great Koenma, feared by demons everywhere, is not only a toddler," Hiei cackled, tone manic and full of humor that was as sharp and unforgiving as a sword, "but a toddler who gets spankings as punishment for failure? Spankings?" He threw back his head and howled in a way he would never, probably, howl again, but this situation was just too good to pass up, now wasn't it? "And here I had begun to think I was going to really be punished for making a fool of you!"

And Hiei laughed without a care.

Koenma stared at Hiei. George stared at Hiei. The SDF stared at Hiei. Their leader was the first to break free from her shocked trance.

"How dare you laugh at Koenma?" the female barked, coming to stare down at Hiei like he was a bug.

Too bad for her that he wasn't afraid to stare right back. "How does it feel being a toddler's bitch?" he asked, smirking when her mouth fell open. "Does he make you change his diapers, or does that job fall to your cohorts?"

"Such impudence will not be tolerated in my presence!" she growled, and in a millisecond her hand pulled back, poised to strike him across the face. Hiei steeled himself as her fist descended, knowing full well that there was no point in fighting back even though his pride screamed at him to kill the woman then and there, but—

"No."

Her hand froze an inch from Hiei's face. "No?" she breathed, wild golden eyes locked on Hiei's impassive cherry ones. "No? But he—"

"No," Koenma repeated, and his face was open and clear when Hiei took the time to look.

A tremor of unease made the fire demon's stomach quirk, and the laughter died in his throat.

"Don't kill him," Koenma said slowly, and with steady hands he began flipping through the file on the desk. "Oh, no. Death won't do at all. I have something much worse than death planned for Hiei, here." He smiled the smile of a cherub. "Tell me, Hiei—how much do you hate humans?"

Hiei banished his unease because his pride wouldn't let him acknowledge it. "Not as much as I hate you," he snapped.

Koenma's smile grew (as did Hiei's trepidation at the sight). "But you hate them a lot?"

"They're spineless and weak," said the fire demon, remembering with bitterness the way that damned Spirit Detective had bested him in the warehouse. "They pack together because they're too afraid of failure to rely on their own strength. They're bugs, just waiting to be stepped on."

This time it was Koenma's turn to laugh—gleefully, with a fist pressed into his lips as his eyes watered with mirth.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Hiei," he chortled, "because very soon you're going to be living as one!"

Silence.

Then: "WHAT?"

"You heard me!" Koenma said, and he threw himself on top of the desk so he could beat his fists on it and laugh. "You're going to live as one! Hoo ha! That's rich! THIS IS PERFECT!"

"I'll kill every last human you put me near, you fool!" Hiei bellowed, fists clenching at his side.

"Yes, Koenma sir, putting Hiei out amongst the humans seems like a very bad idea!" George said, leaning on the desk so he could get on Koenma's level. "He'd kill them as soon as he'd look at them! I know he embarrassed you, but this punishment isn't the way you should be getting your revenge!"

"Shut it, ogre!" Koenma snapped, laughter breaking off in an instant. "I know what I'm doing!" He looked to the stunned members of the SDF, who struggled to regain their collective composure under the gaze of their master. "You three take Hiei away so I can make the necessary arrangements. He has been sentenced to six months labor in the Human World." He couldn't hold back another burst of laughter, one that sent him rolling across the desk in spasms. "Details to come! HA!"

"You can't do this!" Hiei growled, and when the SDF closed in he snarled with teeth bared: "Don't touch me! We're not done here!"

"I'm afraid that I can, and that we are," Koenma said. He waved a hand at the SDF, who nodded and proceeded to hustle Hiei out even though the fire demon was still shouting obscenities at the ruler of the Spirit World. "Toodle-loo, Hiei! See you soon!"

"I'm not sure this is wise, Koenma sir," George said as Hiei's furious voice faded down the hall. "I know you're mad, but this is a bad idea. A very bad idea. Hiei will not cooperate."

"I have ways to make him cooperate," Koenma said.

"I'm sure you do, sir, but aren't you being just a little selfish in all of this? I feel like this punishment is only serving your sense of vengeance!"

Koenma's brow furrowed as he climbed back into his abandoned chair, careful not to aggravate his inflamed backside, and motioned for George to ready the ice bath. "I'm not going to deny that seeing Hiei live in the Human World as a human will amuse me," he said, and he promptly broke down into laughter at the thought of the irate fire demon doing things like using a can opener, or riding a bus, or anything, really. When he recovered, he went on with the words: "Hiei is a strong demon, with a reputation among demons as a particularly bloodthirsty individual. He is feared, you see, and just killing him or keeping him in prison is a waste of his… talents."

George raised an eyebrow as Koenma took off his pants and sank into the ice bath with a sigh, eyes closed in relief. "So you're going to let him use those talents on a bunch of unsuspecting humans? That's not very nice, Koenma sir."

Koenma cracked an annoyed eye. "I want him to work with Yusuke, you blue idiot." Eyes closed again when George stared at him in shock. "Don't act so surprised. Hiei is strong and feared. Having an infamous demon openly become an ally of the Spirit World will bolster my reputation tenfold."

"But… having him live as a human?"

"Think about it logically, ogre," Koenma said. "Hiei hates humans. He said it himself. Why would he ever deign to work closely with one, as I want him to work with Yusuke when the boy gets back from Genkai's training camp?" A low chuckle. "No, Hiei needs conditioning. He needs to see humanity outside of the demon perspective. Maybe then he'll become tolerant enough of them to work with Yusuke without killing the poor boy."

"So you really did think about this punishment before you gave it!" George said, delighted. "Oh Koenma sir, I never doubted you for a second!"

"That's because I'm a genius, ogre, and I would take care to not forget it," said Koenma dryly. He shifted when his sore butt rested too sharply on the bottom of the tub. "Now bring me something to eat. I'm hungry!"

George scurried off, grinning at the intelligence of his boss. Little did he know that most of those lofty reasonings on Koenma's part had been made as afterthoughts.

I'm brilliant without even knowing it, were Koenma's thoughts on the matter, followed by: Revenge brings out the best in me, I suppose.

The revenge brewing in Hiei's mind at the time, of course, wouldn't bring out the best in him (not to mention Koenma) at all.

NOTES:

PLEASE, don't kill me for this story. (*dodges bullets*) Calm down—just let me explain!

I've been reading fanfics for years. YEARS. And one of the things fanfics are infamous for are putting innocent, unsuspecting characters into a traditional highschool setting with little to no explanation. I did just that back in my early days. An AU is one thing (although it's a rarely well-done thing), but sometimes highschool!fics are so badly done that I want to RIP MY HAIR OUT. No explanation, little regard for what (if any) parts of the canon used, no reasoning besides "Ooh, what would Hiei and a self-insert of myself get into in highschool? And what stereotypes would each of us be! ZOMG, FTW!"

I hate that. But, I LIKE taking clichés and turning them inside out.

Hence my inflated ego thinking it can take on this fanfiction trope in a creative cagematch and still come out alive. It was only a matter of time, right?

Now, I have no idea if I'll be able to pull this off. Let's just get that out there while we can. But I plan on bringing in every last cliché I can think of (and please, suggest some if any come to mind) and making them work. I plan on having a plot, and reasons behind every direction this story goes, and I plan on having things make a limited amount of sense (yay!). We'll see what happens.

I consider this story, for these reasons, as much a parody as it is a crackfic. Because it's definitely a crackfic. There's no denying it. This fic is as cracky as they come.

Now about this story's timeline. I actually worked it into the canon! WHAT? Yes! In case you couldn't tell from the millions of clues I worked into the text, this takes place right after Yusuke beats Hiei in the Articfacts of Darkness case. Yusuke spent six whole months with Genkai, but where was Hiei during that time? I touched on Kurama's whereabouts in this chapter, too, and I'll touch on them again with more detail soon enough. But Hiei will be the focus of this! HIEI, I SAY!

Hopefully, this crack-thing will give us an amusing "what if?" to fill the canon's missing space.

Just, please, DO NOT TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY!