Disclaimer: ST: VOY is not mine.

Always

By mistress amethyst une

I probably thought that the cold would numb me to the sight of you lying there, frozen. I was wrong to think that the warmth I had found in another woman's touch would protect my heart from the knowledge that I wasn't there to hold your hand as you clattered to the floor like a doll. The force of impact must have knocked the life out of your body in that moment. At least I hope so. The thought of you surviving the crash and lying there waiting for the cold to claim your life as the biting cold formed crystals, tore at your flesh and encased you in this horrid white sheen is enough to make a lump form in my throat. You shouldn't have suffered at all. You shouldn't have died in the first place.

I refuse to break down. Kathryn, I'll fix this. Living without you has been… difficult. Everyday, I've sought Voyager and thought of ways to reverse this catastrophe. The night before you died, you asked me if I was with you on your decision.

"Always…"

I was supposed to be with you through everything. Not just decisions concerning the ship. Everything. Always… To think that I broke that promise so quickly. To think that I wasn't there when death claimed you and the little family we had grown to hold so dear.

Harry has never forgiven himself. He should. I was his superior officer. I should have known better. I should have opposed you.

"Always…"

That was stupid. If I had known what was good for you, I would have stopped you. Protected you... I had harbored doubts but I chose to please you instead of caring enough to break your heart a little so that you could reach home alive. In promising to be 'with you, always,' I tore us apart for what I fear is forever.

I feel sorry for the woman beside me who isn't you. She loves me. Turning back time and bringing you and all our peers back to life will mean that I will never have met her. Torn as I am and hoping with all my might that she will not oppose me, I consider her feelings and ask her if she wants me to do this even if it means that it will cancel out all the years of fulfillment we had together. She and I had fifteen years that were wonderful in their own way. Fifteen years that still pale in comparison to the five I had at your side…

She answers that she understands and knows that my heart was always on this ship. Always with you…

Satisfied with her answer, all my doubts disintegrate. It's about time I truly fulfilled my promise. No matter what happens, no matter who I fall in love with, no matter where this journey takes me, no matter when I get back to you, my heart will be with you and always will be. This time I will not break that vow. I can't lose you again.

Author's Note: Hopefully, I didn't mess up any details. I'm iffy about my grammar since I usually don't write in the first person and for a male character at that. And yes, that remark about his heart being with Kathryn even if he falls in love with someone else is my little allusion to C/7 not possibly working. xD

By the way, does anyone have any possible J/C challenges? I want to push my skills but I haven't run into any good ideas in awhile.