Disclaimer – I don't own Bleach.

Liking Oneself
De- Zombification
I'm a Zombie

The smell of death was in his nostrils and the taste of death was on his tongue. His eyes never closed, constantly seeing a version of the world through some kind of odd filter. He could hear things, but it came to him through some kind of filter as well. There was also the urge to tear off his own skin with his own two hands, digging his finger nails into his back to get rid of the nasty feeling. He couldn't though control his own body anymore and knew full well that it was moving of it's own will. It wasn't exhaustion his body felt either, but death. He was dead.

"I don't want to be dead." Was one of the thoughts that easily crossed his mind. "I haven't had the chance to live."He caught glimpses of familiar faces and familiar sites while painful mental flashes crossed his mind of the things he could have done had he lived, many of which were things he missed out on because he had to become a Shinigami at such a young age. The rest of what was going on was pure instinct, but one thought... the thought that he wanted his fukutaicho stood firm in his head. He wanted Matsumoto Rangiku and he didn't know why.

A mental flash of her came to him and he felt a sudden pulse through his entire body. Something told him it wasn't a mental flash but something he was actually seeing. He tried to speak, but found himself unable to do so as his mind struggled to focus beyond the task he had been dealt with. He could though hear her voice. "Taicho I know you're still there!"

"Ma..." He struggled to speak. "Itamu..." He watched as the figure in front of him suddenly pulled him into a very gentle hug while Ikakku and Yumichika yelled at her that she was being stupid.

"I'm never, ever giving up on you. Never taicho. You belong with me, not that person." He heard the sound then of a sheath dropping to the ground as well as a blade. He watched as Rangiku moved one hand behind her for her blade and at first he thought that she was going to put an end to his misery, only to bring the hand back up to him. "Roar! Haineko!"

He suddenly heard a screaming, the scream sounding similar to the buzzing voice he had heard in the back of his head. When it stopped, he felt his body collapse and could see Rangiku pulling him into her lap. "It's all right taicho. You're not under their control anymore."

His eyes couldn't blink and could only stare up into the woman's face. He watched as some tears fell from her eyes and landed on his face, but he couldn't feel the tears as they landed. He wondered how much he actually truly did sense. He could hear Ikkaku's voice from the side and then saw him lean in. "Rangiku... close his eyes. He's gone."

"I can't. I don't want to believe the he is gone." Rangiku's eyes clenched shut. "He's... he's..."

What he would call instinct suddenly kicked in and his small hand raised up, only to pause part way. He could see the looks of shock on Ikkaku and Yumichika's face. Pausing he saw that his arm was shaking and a strange hue. Yumichika tried getting her attention."Rangiku..."

The woman shook her head. "No. I don't want to believe he's gone. Let me be for awhile."

It was then that his hand reached up to wipe the tears away from her face, causing her to flinch. A hand reached out to grab his and the crying stopped. A smile appeared on her face. "Taicho..."

"Don't... cry." The words came out of his mouth in a jumbled manner.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you anymore then I could Taicho."

"I'm dead Rangiku."

"Taicho... don't you dare leave me."

"I don't want to." His vision though was beginning to blur. "It hurts... I'm scared." As he blacked out he could hear the three yelling, but couldn't understand their words.

M

Everything was white and the first thought that crossed his mind was, "is this heaven". This ended up brushed away upon remembering that he was already considered dead. The next thought that crossed his mind was, "is this the reincarnation process... it sure is boring" and then "I don't want to be dead. It's not fair. I've never gotten to do the things I want to do."

Then to his dismay... "once a monster, always a monster. What an ending befitting someone who was honestly just a tool. If you could have remained in that half dead state they would have just used you." He turned his head to see the person who had enthralled him and\he shook his head as they continued to speak. "Didn't you make a nice doll. I enjoyed dressing up your dead corpse. Once a puppet, always a puppet."

Toshiro shook his head and turned to look away, only to see Rangiku approaching him with her blade drawn. A thumping sound was heard to his side and he turned his head to see that his left arm had come off as well as his left leg. He fell down in a panic and backed away. "Taicho... I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I have to do this. Roar Haineko!"

He suddenly felt himself surrounded by burning ash that bit into his skin and tore it off in a painful manner. The next thing he knew he was sitting up and his hands were reaching back to claw at his back as a ferine scream came from his mouth. His entire body shook and drool dripped down out of his mouth. "I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm fugotin dead!"

Two hands suddenly reached out to pull his hands away from the personal attack on his backside. "Toshiro! Toshiro! Please stop! Look me in the eye!"

Toshiro looked up, the drool having gone as far as his chin. His entire body continued to shake. "I'm a fugotin zombie!" He watched as she looked in his eyes, only to suddenly have to jerk her own away as if something was upsetting her. His lip began to tremble and his head went left and then right. "I'm a fugotin monster. She hates me." He watched as Rangiku's head turned back and he turned to look away, only to have her take his chin gently in her hand and wipe away the drool.

"It's all right sweet heart."

"No it isn't." Toshiro pulled away from her grip and back peddled to the wall, pulling his knees up to his chin and burying his face as he wrapped his arms protectively around his legs.

"Sweet heart... please." Rangiku's tone of voice was pleading.

"No. I'm a monster... a zombie... a freak." Toshiro's breath suddenly pulled short as his head suddenly began to jerk backwards involuntarily while his hands fell to his side. He could feel more drool going down his cheek as his body shook uncontrollably. His head also hit the wall a few times, but Rangiku's hands reached out and grabbed his and pulled him into her arms as his body continued to do what he didn't want to do.

One of Rangiku's hands reached up and ruffled his hair as he continued to tremble and finally it stopped. He was in her lap and at first he felt safe. The thought that she thought he was a freak crossed his mind and he tried pulling away, only to find that his body didn't want to move anymore. "I'm dead. I'm dead... I'm..."

"Toshiro..." The woman began to rub her back. "Isane and Urahara says that your recovery is going to be hard, but I'm here. I'll take care of you."

"Recovery... how does one recover from being a zombie?" His eyelids lowered though as she hummed a soft tune and his body soon relaxed. There was an urge to "cry" but he fought back this thought with... "zombies don't cry or have any feelings". He also couldn't hear Hyorinmaru for some reason and he just wanted to sleep. "I don't want to die though..."

M

A few days in the room allowed him to pick up on some information. One of the first things he picked up on was that he was in one of the forth division hospital rooms. Despite being a zombie he was in a nice bed, but his mind kept telling him, "that's only so they can trick you and think that you're alive by treating you as if you were... they plan on using you..." Attached to this piece of information was the fact they had won and things had gone back to normal.

He had also apparently been out of it. His mind kept telling him though that no real time had passed and that the forth division had been set up in order to fool him into believing he was alive. Any day now his body would rot away to nothing. If he believed what they wanted him to believe though, they somehow managed to bring him back to life. They didn't though go into details, which made him doubt what they were saying.

Most of the time he curled up in a fetal position letting everything go by. If someone opened the curtains though, he would get up as soon as they left in a rather stumbling manner and close the curtains back up. If someone turned the temperature up, he would turn it back down. "I'm a zombie. Zombies need the cold and dark so the deterioration slows down." The one positive side was that he hadn't had an attack like he did despite the fact he was drooling all over the place.

He also constantly removed the needle from his arm that was attached to a bag. He figured it was drugs slowing down the process of his body rotting. His mind of course didn't stop and think about how the two things were actually in conflict, the fact he removed the needle to make sure his body would rot away, and that he also closed the curtains and turned down the temperature to prevent his body from rotting.

On the table were various gifts that seemed to be there to help make him believe that he was actually alive when he actually wasn't. There were various stuffed animals and even a video camera, likely with that video Matsumoto made a long time ago to try and make him feel better about himself. Sometimes he would stare at the camera from his fetal position, tempted to pick it up and play the video, only to have the lack of motivation kick in.

A knock came at the door on the door frame but he choose to ignore it. A man cleared his throat and then spoke, the voice belonging to Kyoraku Taicho. "Hitsugaya? I need to talk to you about something. It is important."

"No." More drool came out of his mouth and he pulled his knees up tighter into a fetal position.

"No, we need to talk. I asked Rangiku to step out for awhile because she needs some rest and it won't do for you to..." The man paused for some reason. "Well, to see her in such a sorry state from not leaving your side all this time."

"I don't remember that." Toshiro continued to keep his head buried. "No."

"I hear that you don't like your curtains open." Kyoraku stated, only to be ignored by the boy. The sudden light streaming through the room caused Toshiro to sit up, his face twisted up in panic. He stood up and his small hand reached up to try and pull the curtain back close, only for the man to take his hands and pull it away.

For some reason he started to kick and scream, that same scream from when he woke up from the nightmare coming from his lips. Kyoraku tried to pull him to the bed, but the white haired youth would have nothing of it. It was then that Rangiku came hurtling back into the room and pulled Toshiro to her. "I leave for a few minutes and suddenly he's screaming his head off as if someone is trying to murder him! What did you two do?"

"I just opened the window. He shouldn't be acting that way."

The boy shook and Rangiku spoke calmly. "Please... just close it. I don't understand why, but he doesn't like it."

Ukitake was the one that stepped over and closed the curtains. "This wouldn't also have anything to do with him turning the temperature down in his room, or why his eyes don't open and close."

Toshiro could feel Rangiku's body tense but didn't register the fact. "I'm honestly not sure what is going on in his head right now."

"Can you get him to sit up and look me in the face?" Kyoraku spoke firmly. "This is important."

"I don't think so."

Toshiro could hear the man sigh. It was Ukitake who spoke first. "Isn't he supposed to have an IV in his arm."

Rangiku suddenly held up the child's arm. "See this bruising? He's been pulling it out."

"Does he want to die?" Ukitake's voice sounded quite upset.

"No... I don't want to be dead... but I already am."

"No... I don't know." The woman rubbed the small of his back, up and down in a comforting manner.

Kyoraku sighed again. "Look. I came to tell you Hitsugaya that you're being removed from your command post as a captain."

Toshiro sat up, the man's words finally having caught his attention. "Because I'm a zombie?"

He saw the looks of shock on the two taicho's faces and felt Rangiku tense up. Ukitake swallowed before speaking. "Did you just say 'am a zombie' instead of 'was a zombie'?" There was a few minutes of silence. "Shiro-chan... do you think you're a zombie?"

"What else am I?" Toshiro felt the drool come from his mouth and made to reach up to wipe it away without realizing, only to have Rangiku beat him to it.

"You're a living person."

"I died." Silence fell over the room.

Kyoraku looked at him, his eyes filled with worry. "Yes... you did. We brought you back."

Toshiro pointed at where the IV was. "No. You're just trying to sustain my body with some kind of drug Kurosutchi cooked up."

Ukitake got up and pulled the IV drip back over. "Shiro-chan, hold out your arm."

"Isane's worried about him tearing it out of his arm again."

"I know. Hold it out. Please... Rangiku and I don't want to lose you." The taicho of the thirteenth division watched as the boy reluctantly held out his arm and he gently stuck it in. Toshiro didn't react to it going in at all and just watched. "This IV contains the nutrients your body would normally be getting if you were eating and taking in sustenance."

"What... you want me to eat people? That's not going to happen. I'd rather die... or completely die."

Kyoraku took a deep sigh. "I'd be laughing right now if I didn't know you weren't making a joke."

"Shiro-chan... you're not dead. By sustenance I mean what we all eat." The man took Toshiro's hand in his own and closed his eyes.

"Why then? Why remove me? Have I outlived my usefulness?"

"No. You've not outlived your usefulness." Kyoraku tilted his hat down.

"Where am I supposed to go? If the Shinigami won't accept zombie me, then who will?" Toshiro heard the adults breath draw tight.

Ukitake's voice chocked up. "You're not dead, not a zombie. We almost lost you, we don't want to lose you. We feel it is time though you got a chance at that childhood you've been missing out on despite the fact you've aged into being a young teenager."

"Where am I supposed to go..." The boy held back saying that he didn't believe them that he was dead.

"You'll stay with me, in my quarters." Rangiku pulled him close.

"So... I'm to be a doll stood up in the corner."

"However... if you want to come home with me, you've got to start eating so they can release you."

"Home... home sounds good."

M

Toshiro tried to eat the foods that were brought to him but ended up only eating bland foods of a liquid substance. Rangiku complained about him being a picky eater and that he should eat more then the things his mood dictated. He on the other hand felt that he was eating the only things he could eat. His mind couldn't shake the idea of being a zombie and he constantly found himself still curling up into some kind of fetal position.

Then the air conditioning broke.

He at first didn't notice, but then the temperature began to rise in the room. Getting up and going to the thermostat did nothing and his mind began to panic. The only option to cool down was to strip completely and then curly up on the bed in a fetal position. He dozed off and in his dreams he heard the voice of the person who enthralled him. "Don't you make a cute doll. Why don't I put you in this cute outfit."

He found himself jarred from his sleep by Rangiku's voice. "Toshiro..." He felt himself pulled up. "Come on, get dressed."

"Aren't I a doll to you."

"Of all days for you to do this. I'm supposed to be taking you home. Come on. Get dressed." Rangiku paused, waiting for him to respond. Instead of getting himself dressed he went and sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her to do it. "Toshiro..." The woman sighed and picked a nice cool summer kimono to dress him in and pulled one arm at a time into the outfit before tying it snugly around his waist. She then tugged on his arm. "Come on, go home."

Toshiro followed after her, only to freeze upon seeing the daylight. He began to tug back. "No... not the sunlight."

"Toshiro..." The woman took a deep breath. She let him retreat back to the room until later in the day and let him sit on her lap. When the sun had gone down she pushed him up and then tugged on his sleeve. His hand slipped down to take hers and she walked with him. They arrived back at the tenth division and he found himself stopping short. Rangiku noticed his reaction. "Don't worry Toshiro. You're staying at my place."

"So I can be a doll in the corner of your room." He continued to hold her hand like an obedient doll. When she opened the door, he blinked a couple of times. "Matsumoto..."

"You get the top bunk."

"Why..."

"My old bed wasn't big enough for the two of us, what with you growing."

Toshiro nervously climbed up the ladder and stopped near the top. The blankets were a nice icy color and the pillows looked soft. There were a few stuffed animals stacked near the pillows as well. He climbed up and picked it up, then leaned over. "This?"

"I know you've never been for childish things, but there is something comforting about a nice soft stuffed animal. And there isn't anything wrong with..." The woman looked him right in the eyes, only to have to look away. "... making up for your lost childhood."

"Why?"

"Why there is nothing wrong with making up for your lost childhood?"

"No. You can't look me in the eye." The boy leaned over, his arms pulled back, leaving the stuffed animal also looking down at her as well. His chin rested on the edge.

He watched as Rangiku swallowed. "You have his eyes."

"What do you mean I have his eyes."

"Gin's I mean."

"That person replaced my eyes with Ichimaru's?" Toshiro's voice strained.

Rangiku looked up at him. "No, no. That's not what I meant. Before you... before that incident they were this lovely bright teal color, but now they're the exact same color as his."

"So... the reason you're keeping me around is because I'm a replacement?"

"No... no." The woman looked up at him. "Your hair is a mess." Toshiro pulled back at this statement. "Toshiro... let's go to the baths."

"No."

"Please. Pretty please."

"No."

There was silence for awhile and he heard Rangiku leaving. Eventually she came back. "Guess what." A paper was suddenly held in front of his face. "I talked to Isane and she signed these papers saying that the baths will do you good but that you also need adult supervision. Come on. Doctors orders."

Toshiro got up and slowly climbed down the ladder, not at all pleased with this particular then this turn of events. He took Rangiku's hand again and followed her to the bath house. He didn't listen to the conversation Rangiku had with the bath attendant, but then he didn't care. "I'm dead." He let her undress him and dump the water over him. He ignored the stares from the females that were there, not noticing who they were.

Then it came time to go into the water and he complied by going in. The heat made his vision swim and the sudden thought of his rotten innards spilling out caused him to stand up. "Hot. It's hot."

"Toshiro! Calm down sweet heart!" The boy turned to her, his eyes widening in panic. She reached out to pull him out of the water as his body shook from fear. "Don't worry. I won't make you do that again until you're ready."

When she had reached out for him his arms instinctively reached out for her, wrapping around her neck. His breathing at first was rough, but he found the warmth of her body to be comforting as well as her smell. His eyes blinked a couple of times. "Matsumoto..." There was a pause as he chocked out the words. "I can feel you..." A particular thought crossed his mind. "Zombies can't feel..."

"Yes sweety. I can feel you too."

"I can feel you." His body still trembled.

"That's because you're human. Since you're human, you're very much alive."

Relief suddenly rushed over him as he leaned his forehead into the nook of her shoulder. "I'm alive. I'm actually alive." The emotions suddenly overwhelmed him and he began to sob into their shoulder.

Note – The "fugotin" actually isn't an edit on my part. I thought about having him use a particular "f" word at those points because he was that upset, but then I realized that wouldn't be how it sounded in his head due to his frustration. It's a key word that triggers his "string of curse word rants" he sometimes goes into.

Also... the video is pretty much like it is in Liking Oneself except for the parts that would made it AU to the Bleach time line. Those are either different then the version in the fic or non-existent.