He's just kidding himself; he doesn't really love me.
Justin Taylor. Seventeen years old. Christ, 17! To be 17 again... He'll always be younger than me. Yes, always. Me 30, Justin 17. Me 40, Justin 27. Me 50, Justin 37. Me dead, Justin happy and *alive*.
Yes, happy. Even if he told me he'd never be happy without me. Yeah, that's what he tells me. He's a goddamn drama queen. A fucking drama queen who wants me to be *romantic*. Like it'd change anything! Romance is about words and little actions. Simple, loving gestures like dinners in candlelight. It will not change anything, it will not *mean* anything. Fuck, why does he want it so much? If he didn't, he'd be happier with me, goddamn it! I don't want romance. I hate it. It can let you down, it always does. Oh he tries to be romantic with me, Jesus Christ he tries so hard and I just reject him. I have to. I don't want him to have any fucking delusions. He'll get hurt. Yeah, he gets hurt with me all the time, but I can't do anything it. It's not my fault! I need my space. I have a life. I have friends, a job, a son... and Justin. Yeah well, Justin *is* a big part of my life - a too big part. I hate it. Hate it that I've let him so close. Hate myself for letting him so close.
I've never seen anyone happy once they've let the wrong person too close to themselves.
For example, there was my family. Yeah, and what a fucking big shit that was! It was disgusting. I hated my dad and I hated myself. Living with my parents made me feel dirty. Everything was off balance all the time.
Okay, enough of my parents - back to Justin. He wants me. He tells me that in actions. He loves me. He tells me that in words. The first times he said it made my heart twist; I knew I had hurt him. Or that I *would* hurt him. And I did. And yet he kept coming back, trying to make me go crazy. And I did. I let him into my life. The biggest fucking mistake of my life. And the best thing I've ever done. I don't know; I can't decide whether I'm happy or not.
Later on I've grown to accept his love - but I don't wish I could love him. Sometimes I believe I do; but when I hate him enough, when I'm so angry with him I could kill him, then I know better. It's not love. It's some sort of need. But it's not love. *Not*. I've told him that. He doesn't like it, but continues to love me. He says he knows I love him. I say bullshit. He smiles and kisses me.
I hate it when he kisses me; it makes me want him so bad. Yet I love it. It makes my body shiver. A kiss deep enough makes me almost believe in love.
Every time I wake up with him by my side, sharing my bed, I feel guilty. Guilty for taking comfort in him once again. Me feeling so fucking guilty, can you believe that? But then I start thinking about how happy he is to wake up with me, that he doesn't regret anything, and I start feeling better. Okay, I never really regret our nights together; they're more than *amazing*. The kid can really make me feel like in heaven. He's like a drug; I need him. I need him so fucking bad it makes my stomach hurt. And I don't want to need anything. It's weakness. Everything you feel is weakness. Well, wanting is not a weakness, not if you know how to get what you want. Needing is a weakness, but of course, it's not necessarily a visible one - if you know how to get what you need, no one will ever know it's about needing, not wanting.
When it comes to Justin, I do both. I want him. And I need him. And he's just a fucking *kid* for god's sake! 17! He's so young that he's naïve. Here we go back to the romance part. He really is naïve enough to believe in this romantic stuff! Jesus Christ I hope there was something I could do to make him realize that he's just kidding himself. Whatever we have will not last long! Okay, it has already lasted a while, but it's just a matter of time I'll get fed up with him and kick him out of my life. Okay, Bri, so who is kidding himself now? Justin finding someone better is closer to the truth. He's got a great body, a fantastic sunshine smile, he's talented and artistic and funny and he's amazing in bed! It won't be long until someone else realizes what kind of a treasure it is I've got fallen for me.
The goddamn stinging pain in my stomach right now has nothing to do with the thought of Justin leaving; it must be something I ate. And the fact I haven't eaten anything today has nothing to do with anything.
Okay, I might be kidding myself, too, a little, sometimes. I have feelings for him - I like him. That's about it. I like him. Like I said, he's got a great body, a fantastic sunshine smile, he's talented and artistic and funny and he's amazing in bed. I'd be crazy if I *didn't* have feelings for him. And better yet, he adores me. He'll do *anything* for me.
But actually, I don't really give a shit about him. Some people might say he's an angel and doesn't deserve the shit he gets from me; yeah he probably doesn't. But he's the intruder here; he's messed up my whole fucking life!
I hear the key turn in the lock. Someone's coming in, so I lie back on the couch and pretend I'm interested in some fucking hockey news on TV.
"Hey." Justin's voice is quiet.
I look at him. He looks exhausted.
"Hey," I say and with a little movement I invite him to come and sit next to me.
A little reluctantly he takes a few steps closer and sits down. He doesn't relax until I wrap my arm around him and pull him closer. He puts his head on my chest and sighs.
"A hard day, huh?" I ask in a soft voice. Fuck, even to *me* that sounds caring!
He doesn't say anything but I feel him nod.
God, this kid's almost dead with tiredness! He'll talk to me; I know he will. Sometimes he just has some bad days. And there's nothing I can do about it. I try to make him feel safe, make him feel it's ok. I hold him and keep looking at the TV screen not really thinking about anything.
"Bri?" he asks quietly.
"Yeah?"
"I just... wanted to know you're here."
I just look at him for a moment, not knowing what to say. Christ this kid loves me, he fucking loves me! Without realizing what I'm doing I say:
"Yeah, I'm here, Justin, I'm here for you."
And then I don't know who's kidding whom anymore.
~Feedback more than appreciated~
Justin Taylor. Seventeen years old. Christ, 17! To be 17 again... He'll always be younger than me. Yes, always. Me 30, Justin 17. Me 40, Justin 27. Me 50, Justin 37. Me dead, Justin happy and *alive*.
Yes, happy. Even if he told me he'd never be happy without me. Yeah, that's what he tells me. He's a goddamn drama queen. A fucking drama queen who wants me to be *romantic*. Like it'd change anything! Romance is about words and little actions. Simple, loving gestures like dinners in candlelight. It will not change anything, it will not *mean* anything. Fuck, why does he want it so much? If he didn't, he'd be happier with me, goddamn it! I don't want romance. I hate it. It can let you down, it always does. Oh he tries to be romantic with me, Jesus Christ he tries so hard and I just reject him. I have to. I don't want him to have any fucking delusions. He'll get hurt. Yeah, he gets hurt with me all the time, but I can't do anything it. It's not my fault! I need my space. I have a life. I have friends, a job, a son... and Justin. Yeah well, Justin *is* a big part of my life - a too big part. I hate it. Hate it that I've let him so close. Hate myself for letting him so close.
I've never seen anyone happy once they've let the wrong person too close to themselves.
For example, there was my family. Yeah, and what a fucking big shit that was! It was disgusting. I hated my dad and I hated myself. Living with my parents made me feel dirty. Everything was off balance all the time.
Okay, enough of my parents - back to Justin. He wants me. He tells me that in actions. He loves me. He tells me that in words. The first times he said it made my heart twist; I knew I had hurt him. Or that I *would* hurt him. And I did. And yet he kept coming back, trying to make me go crazy. And I did. I let him into my life. The biggest fucking mistake of my life. And the best thing I've ever done. I don't know; I can't decide whether I'm happy or not.
Later on I've grown to accept his love - but I don't wish I could love him. Sometimes I believe I do; but when I hate him enough, when I'm so angry with him I could kill him, then I know better. It's not love. It's some sort of need. But it's not love. *Not*. I've told him that. He doesn't like it, but continues to love me. He says he knows I love him. I say bullshit. He smiles and kisses me.
I hate it when he kisses me; it makes me want him so bad. Yet I love it. It makes my body shiver. A kiss deep enough makes me almost believe in love.
Every time I wake up with him by my side, sharing my bed, I feel guilty. Guilty for taking comfort in him once again. Me feeling so fucking guilty, can you believe that? But then I start thinking about how happy he is to wake up with me, that he doesn't regret anything, and I start feeling better. Okay, I never really regret our nights together; they're more than *amazing*. The kid can really make me feel like in heaven. He's like a drug; I need him. I need him so fucking bad it makes my stomach hurt. And I don't want to need anything. It's weakness. Everything you feel is weakness. Well, wanting is not a weakness, not if you know how to get what you want. Needing is a weakness, but of course, it's not necessarily a visible one - if you know how to get what you need, no one will ever know it's about needing, not wanting.
When it comes to Justin, I do both. I want him. And I need him. And he's just a fucking *kid* for god's sake! 17! He's so young that he's naïve. Here we go back to the romance part. He really is naïve enough to believe in this romantic stuff! Jesus Christ I hope there was something I could do to make him realize that he's just kidding himself. Whatever we have will not last long! Okay, it has already lasted a while, but it's just a matter of time I'll get fed up with him and kick him out of my life. Okay, Bri, so who is kidding himself now? Justin finding someone better is closer to the truth. He's got a great body, a fantastic sunshine smile, he's talented and artistic and funny and he's amazing in bed! It won't be long until someone else realizes what kind of a treasure it is I've got fallen for me.
The goddamn stinging pain in my stomach right now has nothing to do with the thought of Justin leaving; it must be something I ate. And the fact I haven't eaten anything today has nothing to do with anything.
Okay, I might be kidding myself, too, a little, sometimes. I have feelings for him - I like him. That's about it. I like him. Like I said, he's got a great body, a fantastic sunshine smile, he's talented and artistic and funny and he's amazing in bed. I'd be crazy if I *didn't* have feelings for him. And better yet, he adores me. He'll do *anything* for me.
But actually, I don't really give a shit about him. Some people might say he's an angel and doesn't deserve the shit he gets from me; yeah he probably doesn't. But he's the intruder here; he's messed up my whole fucking life!
I hear the key turn in the lock. Someone's coming in, so I lie back on the couch and pretend I'm interested in some fucking hockey news on TV.
"Hey." Justin's voice is quiet.
I look at him. He looks exhausted.
"Hey," I say and with a little movement I invite him to come and sit next to me.
A little reluctantly he takes a few steps closer and sits down. He doesn't relax until I wrap my arm around him and pull him closer. He puts his head on my chest and sighs.
"A hard day, huh?" I ask in a soft voice. Fuck, even to *me* that sounds caring!
He doesn't say anything but I feel him nod.
God, this kid's almost dead with tiredness! He'll talk to me; I know he will. Sometimes he just has some bad days. And there's nothing I can do about it. I try to make him feel safe, make him feel it's ok. I hold him and keep looking at the TV screen not really thinking about anything.
"Bri?" he asks quietly.
"Yeah?"
"I just... wanted to know you're here."
I just look at him for a moment, not knowing what to say. Christ this kid loves me, he fucking loves me! Without realizing what I'm doing I say:
"Yeah, I'm here, Justin, I'm here for you."
And then I don't know who's kidding whom anymore.
~Feedback more than appreciated~