So, this is actually a follow-up to my other story, "Lupin's Worst Nightmare." If you haven't read it yet, please do. It's pretty short, and this will make so much more sense if you do. One of my readers asked me for this and I figured it was long overdue.
Summary: Remus writes an angry letter to the headmaster after said wizard foolishly allows Sirius to view Muggle movies. What happens when Dumbledore writes back? Madness, that's what!
Rated: T because Remus is a bad bitch! XD
Disclaimer: I own nothing! NOOOOTHING!
Dear Headmaster,
I had the most wonderful day today, you will never believe! First, I got peed on by one of Hagrid's new pets (do encourage him to stop cross-breeding unicorns with Hungarian horntails), then I tripped down the stairs and landed on top of Snivellus (I mean Severus) and then, just when I thought I'd get peace and quiet in the common room, Sirius whipped out a parade of badly delivered movie lines and scares the bejeebus outta me. Do you see why I might be a tad bit angry right now? Who was it who allowed Sirius to view such movies in the first place?
Oh, that's right. It was YOU.
How DARE you! I thought you were on my side! All this talk about "Remus doesn't need to deal with this, Remus doesn't need to deal with that" yet you unleashed the worst doom on poor Remus that could ever be unleashed on anyone! I swear, Dumbledore, there will be punishment for these horrible misdeeds of yours. The time has come for you to face the music, or get crushed by the piano!
Sincerely,
Remus J. Lupin
Dear Remus,
I am terribly sorry about your current situation, and I do feel awful that I unleashed such a terror on your life. In my defense, though, it was Muggle action movies or Muggle porn. How would you like to see Sirius Black wondering into the Great Hall clad in leather lingerie?
Sincerely,
The Headmaster.
Dear Albus,
Do you honestly think your weak little apology is enough to nullify me? Or are you just too scared of that damned piano fulling on your superior bum?
Sincerely,
Angry werewolf
Dear Butt-licker,
Oh, it is on little boy! Come on let's see what you got! What is a mere prefect going to do against THE Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin, First Class? I've performed magic that would make you shite your fur, wolf-boy!
The End.
Dear Dumble-Whore,
Your mom shites her fur every night, so what now? Bring it, gay boy!
BOO-YA!
Now recieving an IM from Albus Dumbledore:
How dare you bring my sexuality into the conversation? Just jealous because I get more men then you do?
Please, you wish, old man!
Oh yes, I seemed to have forgotten about your affair with Snivellus!
Below the belt, much? You wanna go, then let's go! I've had way more men then you!
Oh yeah? Well, I shagged your father, so what NOW!
...you what?
Remus Lupin has left the chat room.
Dear Shite-face,
You shagged my father? Ohmygod, I knew it, I knew she wasn't my real mother! Oh, Mommy, I'm so glad we could finally meet! Does this mean I can live with you? Does this mean you'll rock me to sleep and sing me lullabies every night? Oh, please say yes, I beg of you Mommy-dear!
Love,
Your baby Boy
Dear Not-my-son,
What? NO! What? Since when do I have a vagina? Oh sweet Merlin, save me!
Sorry kid.
Mua-ha-ha!
YOU JUST GOT PUNKED! What now! That's what you get for being a promiscuous little fruit tart! Keep your hands of my dad, old man, or I'll pull a Luke Skywalker and cut 'em right off!
Muahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHA!
No further reply could be found, since Dumbledore promptly disapparated (I don't know how) into the Griffondor common room and started an epic duel with Remus. This could take a while, feel free to grab a snack while you wait.
Que the music, old man! YOU'VE LOST!
No, How can I lose to a mere mortal!
You're a mortal too, you know?
Oh, am I?
Dumbledore promptly turned into Lord Voldemort and jumped out the window, landing on Severus Snape's back, who had evidently turned into a bat.
"Well, looked like team rocket's blasting off again," Remus smiled, congratulated himself, and wondered into the Great hall for breakfast. That morning a picture appeared in the Daily Profit of Dumblefore snogging Gellert Grindlewald. Everyone just assumed he had run away to get away from tyrannical werewolves, and people learned never to cross Remus Lupin again.
The End
Wow, Even I'm not sure what happened there. One minute it was letters, then all that just kinda came out! I must be really bored! Anyway, hope you enjoyed, sorry for making Remus and Dumbledore very non-canon in this. Trust me, that was not my original intent.
Reviews, please! Thanks for reading!