Pants...cause that's how it started
Sanji snorted. "Don't blame your shitty personality on me! You were doing this shit before I came around!"
"I...lies." Zoro stopped, not really knowing what else to say on the matter.
"Yes. You're lying about not being a self-made bastard. You should be ashamed."
Zoro snorted himself, jerking his head back with the noise. "I'm never ashamed."
The blond rolled his eyes. "Don't I know it. News flash: no one wants to see your mossy ass hanging out. Pants are not optional!"
"Pants are totally optional." The swordsman nodded firmly.
"NO!"
"YES!"
"BAD MOSS, BAD!"
Zoro stopped, mouth hanging open as he stared at the other man. "Oh, I see what's going on here. You are simply jealous and don't want others to see my ass. HA! I'm on to you." He slammed a hand onto the counter, all proud of his sudden enlightenment.
Sanji raised an eyebrow at the moron in the room with him, tone flat as he spoke. "Oh my god you're insane. And stupid. How sad."
The swordsman simply grinned and shrugged. "You're just mad I got you figured out."
"I'm not mad. I'm concerned about how you're breathing without a brain."
Zoro tilted his head to the side in curiosity. "Isn't that a question for yourself?"
The blond sneered. "Very original comeback there, parrot moss. Go find a real insult and try again."
"It take you all day to think up that original nick name shit head?"
"Ah yes. Resorting back to petty names. I have more wit in my piss than you do in your whole damn, overly-muscled body you giant fucktard!"
"You're in a shitty mood today. Who pissed in your cereal cook?"
Sanji scowled at the other man, rubbing at his temples. "I couldn't sleep. But really I'm just sick of your stupidity, and I'm trying to help you out with some common sense."
"My stupidity? Why do you always have to go there? You know damned well I'm just as fucking smart as you are, I just don't have to go parading it around like you do. I'm sorry you're tired, but I am not your scapegoat." The words were barked out, anger rising through Zoro's veins at the conversation.
The cook simply blinked. "Now who's being pissy? Can't take some teasing? Don't act like some emo bitch, Zoro. You know I know that you're a fucking sword genius and that you're plenty smart about lots of shit - aside from navigation." He paused to cross his arms. "Or do I need to get on one knee and beg for forgiveness?"
Zoro raised an eyebrow at the cook's comment, mumbling under his breath. "You could get on two..." Then he snorted and shook his head. "You don't always need to be a dick about it though, ya know? I don't get up in the morning and think to myself 'oh jee, when do I want to head to the galley to get my daily dose of shit from my lover.' It would be nice to come in here once in a while and, I don't know, get the affection I present returned..." He trailed off as he spoke, voice growing quiet and rubbing a hand through his hair as he looked away. He could feel the slight burn to his cheeks as he did so.
Sanji snarled as the hackles rose and his temper flared. "Oh I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be keeping track of the nice things I do because I fucking owe you every time you are nice to me! What the fuck, Zoro! I work hard every goddamn day to cook for you, and I don't bitch when you don't thank me! I should. But that's not why I do things for you! I'm not in this relationship to see what I can get from you! When I do stuff, it's because I fucking love you!" He pinned a glare at the moss head. "And you start most of the fights, asshole."
The breath he sucked in sounded like a hiss and Zoro narrowed his eye dangerously. "Owe me? You think you owe me?! Did it even occur to you that since you do love me that it wouldn't hurt to break down your shitty walls once in a while and just be nice? I do it. Why is it so hard for you? I don't come in here every day and give you shit. Well I try not to, you make that kind of hard. And I do thank you, I just don't say it! Every kiss, every caress, every touch...isn't that enough for you? Or do I need to come in here everyday and worship you cause you know I worship no man more than you!"
Sanji crossed the space between them in a flash, marching into Zoro's space and slamming his forehead against the swordsman's. "I. Don't. Owe. You. Shit. I'm sorry if my fucking personality is a problem for you. I'm sorry if I'm not jumping through your goddamn hoops to win a fucking lover-of-the-year trophy. Maybe you should just go take your fucked up idea of a relationship and go try to force it on SOMEONE ELSE!" His whole body shook with rage at this point, his own eyes locked on Zoro's.
"Wait..." The fuel died inside him and Zoro stared at Sanji. "Fucked up idea? How can you seriously say that to me?" He backed away from him, hurt flashing across his face. "You think me being nice and affectionate is fucked up? That's fucked up Sanji, really. I know we both are a lot of things and tender isn't one of them...but..." He shook his head and growled, harness coming over him again as he regained his control. The momentary slip pissing him off as well. "Fine. We will do it your way shit cook."
Sanji growled and turned his back on Zoro. "This isn't about 'my way'. It's about you expecting me to act like someone I'm not. That's what's fucked up - not your actions. Your fucking thoughts, marimo. I'm done with this conversation. Either apologize or get the fuck away from me."
With a nod, more to himself than Sanji, Zoro sighed. "Fine. I'm sorry Sanji. I'm sorry you can't see past your own fisade to notice what's going on around you. I'm sorry you think I am trying to change you, cause I'm not. Your sharp tongue and quick whit are some of the things I enjoy most about you. All I am asking is for you to show that you care in ways other than harsh words and bone shattering kicks. And I'm sorry you can't do that." Turning he walked quietly to the door. "I'll be back when the foods done." Without another word, the swordsman opened the door and walked out.
Sanji listened to the sound of Zoro's boots fading away until he was left with only the silence of his kitchen. The room felt far too empty and a chill gripped his heart, making it ache. Had he been wrong?
Slowly, he lit up a cigarette and breathed in the soothing smoke - but the pain in his chest didn't ease. Maybe he wasn't right, but he wasn't truly wrong either. "He'll come around."
When he saw the marimo at lunch he would apologize for losing his temper, give him a whole bottle of that sake he liked and then threaten him into helping with the dishes - and everything would go back to normal...
Zoro hadn't meant to growl at Chopper when he passed the small doctor on the lawn deck, but after that...he was just not in the mood to play fucking cards. The fuck was that shit cook's problem anyways? It was hard enough for him to even move on his feelings most of the time, let alone act on them and for Sanji to just go and...throw them aside like that. The hurt that ebbed it's way into the swordsman's chest was unwanted.
Climbing the rigging up to the crow's nest, he decided to waste his morning away training. The burn in his muscles and the mindless focus he would get from this was just what he needed to calm and regroup before lunch. Zoro had to admit though, he wasn't so much mad at the other man, well he was, but that was common, as he was disappointed. He had thought better of his lover and to have this smack him in the face was not something he had been expecting.
One thing was for sure though, as he realized it was time to wander to the kitchen for lunch, towel thrown over his shoulders as he gathered up his swords, things weren't going to be the same anymore. Not for a while, if ever.
Sanji threw himself into serving the food to his favorite ladies. He attentively poured Robin more coffee, and eagerly sliced fresh fruit at Nami's request. He did his best to ignore the moody atmosphere radiating from one mossy swordsman.
Somehow his plan wasn't working. He had bent and whispered an apology in Zoro's ear, but the swordsman didn't even twitch. He given the man three bottles of the good sake, but Zoro just downed them like water - not appreciating the taste the way he usually did.
Sanji didn't know what else to do.
So he fawned over the girls, threw more meat at Luffy and pretended that everything was okay. There was still the dishes. He would get Zoro to help and then speak to him when they were alone. Surely the swordsman would be able to agree that they had both gone too far?
The snarl and curl of his lip when Sanji had the audacity to bark orders at him went unnoticed as Zoro turned to gawk at him. "You have got to be kidding me right? You are seriously going to act like everything is normal? Do you even realize how much that just pisses me off more?"
He had no idea what the hell Sanji had been thinking trying to sneak an apology on the fly like that. Like a half-hearted mumbled 'I'm sorry moss head' to his ear was justifiable. And the booze on top of it! Normally he would have been just as giddy as the cook over the girls at the sight of not only one, but three bottles of the good stuff, but he had been so pissed at that point, he barely even tasted them as he washed down his food.
"Well?" He questioned as the blond stood there staring back at him, eyes lidded in that 'I don't give a fuck' look. "I'm not just going to pretend this morning didn't happen. If you are...then you find someone else to wash the dishes." And with that he turned on his heel, fully prepared to let Sanji brood on his own.
Sanji snarled from around his cigarette. "I don't know what your problem is! I apologized! I even tried being 'nice' like you wanted!"
He gestured angrily, fighting down the panicky feeling that was beginning to churn in his gut. "I just tried to make it all right and you're being a stubborn ass! This was what you wanted isn't it? But I can't be the only one working on this..."
He had to make Zoro see he was in the wrong or things would only get worse. The fear in his belly drove the words out of his mouth before his brain could catch up. "If you walk out of here, that's it. We're done."
Nausea welled up in his throat as he stared at Zoro's back. Waiting. He wrapped his arms around himself and mentally pleaded with his lover to come back - to be reasonable. He just wanted things to go back to how they should be.
Zoro paused, foot in the air at those last bitten out words. Surely Sanji didn't mean that...did he? He was being the unreasonable one here, not Zoro. The swordsman knew he didn't want things to end this way, if at all, enjoying the time he had with the cook more than words could ever describe, but this? This was beyond rational thought at this point and he wasn't sure how to process it.
Letting his foot hit the floor, he spun, grasping at his sword hilts, the grip tight around Wado Ichimonji's hilt as his chest heaved a sigh for him. His heart beat erratically in his chest, despite the schooled expression he pinned on the blond. "What I wanted..." He started, trying desperately to keep his voice stable, despite the slight shake he knew was in it. Whether Sanji heard, or cared, was beyond him. "What I wanted is for you to be sincere Sanji. I don't want you to just throw things at me in hopes of placating me so things go back to the under lying tension that's been building."
"I want you to try." He finished, already bracing himself for the kick he knew would be coming.
Relief flooded his body and washed out the fear. Without that cold panic squeezing his insides he could be angry again. Sanji lashed out, his shoe landing solidly on the swordsman's half-drawn blade. He glared at his stubborn lover, "That's not an answer. I am sincere! I'm always sincere! When are you going to realize that I'm not like whatever fantasy you have stuck in your damn skull? I have my own way of doing and saying things, and just because I'm not perfect doesn't make me WRONG!"
Sanji pushed off Zoro's blade and raised his leg threateningly. "So answer me for real, marimo. What do you want me to 'try'. Go ahead. Tell me all the shit you just can't stand about me!"
Zoro ground his teeth in frustration, re-sheathing his blade when it looked like the cook was going to be more hot air and sharp tongue rather than resulting to dealing blows. Slowly he shook his head, running a hand through his hair and dropping it to his thigh with a smack. "The only thing I can't stand about you is how you want everything to be so one sided. I try, Sanji, you have to see that. I'm not exactly the most open person either, but you don't try. Unless you want something, it's me that's kissing you. It's me that's closing the gaps when we are alone. Can you really not see that?"
He started to walk forwards, jerking to a halt when he realized he was once again doing just what he always did, making it easy for the blond to wait. Why? Cause Zoro would go to him. Crossing his arms, he pinned a knowing glare at the cook and waited. Ball was in his court this time around.
"So that's it..." Sanji sneered as he stared down the swordsman. "I was right. There is a fucking tally and I'm just not measuring up, am I?"
His anger regained momentum as Sanji drew himself up to his full height. "Would it be good enough if I kiss your hand? If I cook you special treats and tell you how pretty you are in the sunlight? WOULD THAT FINALLY BE GOOD ENOUGH?!"
Sanji spat out the cigarette he'd chewed to shreds as he shot Zoro a venomous look. "Do you want me to hold you? Tell you, you're precious and radiant as I fuck you? You want me to treat you like I would treat a woman?"
Biting his lip, the swordsman repressed the groan he wanted to let escape. Sanji just wasn't getting it. "Wow, cook," He said instead, blinking slowly as he watched the rage visibly shake through the other man's core. "There is no tally. All I am doing is pointing out fact. Hell," He raised a hand to point at the blond, motioning towards his entire person as he spoke. "Your words are speaking as clear as your actions. Did it ever even occur to you that perhaps I look at it as more than just fucking, for starters."
Closing his eye, he dropped his head and pinched at the bridge of his nose. A tickle rose in the back of his throat, but he swallowed it back down. "I do want something from you actually. Do you know what I want? I want the Sanji that would randomly bring me drinks under the guise of snack time. I want the Sanji that would sit on the deck with me at night just because he could."
He took that step, cursing his lack of control over his own body as that same sensation from his throat tingled in his nose and stung behind his eyes. "I want MY Sanji back."
Zoro almost never showed his emotions, and the fact that the swordsman was getting so caught up in his own misunderstanding just sharpened Sanji's own emotions into dangerous blades. Zoro had moved into his space but they weren't touching. The swordsman was just there, stifling and unwilling to bend his views even a little. Why did it always have to be this way?
"I'm right here, Zoro. I never left, never changed, never lied to you once. But if it makes you feel better to blame me, so be it. I want nothing to do with it."
Sanji widened the gap between them as he turned away to light a new cigarette.
His vision blurred beyond his control. "Sanji!" Zoro choked out, unable to hide the pain in his tone. How could he not see? What could he do to make the blond see? True, Sanji as a whole hadn't changed, but his actions towards the swordsman had indeed shifted over time and not for the better.
He felt the hot track trail down his cheek and wiped it away before the blond could look back at him, feeling the tingling grow and build in his nose. It was quickly replaced by another, but he set his jaw, taking a second before speaking. "I never said you lied to me," His voice was quiet, even to him and he hated how...broken he sounded in his own ears. The blond needed to know though and it was obvious his actions hadn't been enough.
Hell, words hadn't been enough today. "And I'm not blaming you." Zoro bit his tongue, trying to force the words back down, but fuck it, he was here already. "Do you not want this anymore Sanji?" The tears slipped down his other cheek as well and for once, the swordsman didn't give a shit.
Zoro was crying.
He knew that choked voice. He'd heard it the first time he'd met Zoro. When the swordsman had been in deep, deep pain - heart exposed to the world. Zoro was really, truly in pain now. It wasn't him getting caught up in the moment, and he wasn't trying to manipulate Sanji into admitting he'd been wrong. That sound sent a chill over his skin, and he swore that his heart stopped when he heard Zoro try to swallow a sob.
Sanji turned and stared into Zoro's teary eyes with the expression of a rabbit caught in a snare. This wasn't supposed to happen. Zoro was supposed get angry and lash out like he always did, or get surly and sulk silently for weeks. He'd never imagined that Zoro would be seriously hurt.
And it was all his fault.
Bile burned at the back of his throat as he watched those tiny tears slide down over Zoro's jaw and splatter the swordsman's clothes. He'd been wrong. Zoro wasn't trying to insult him or 'fix' his shitty personality. He had been hurting for a long time, and Sanji's own blindness had been the cause.
"No...!" Sanji finally forced the words past the aching lump in his throat. "I want this..." Tentatively he reached out and brushed Zoro's damp cheek with his fingers - afraid that his lover would flinch away or reject him like he deserved. "I... I need this..."
He closed his eyes at Sanji's touch, barely resisting the urge to tilt his cheek into the caress of those fingers. "Prove it," The words still came out quiet, Sanji's hand pausing in his attempt to pull away. Zoro could taste the salt tang on his tongue when he licked his lip, opening his eye and meeting the cook's wide eyed stare. "Can you prove it to me? Right now, I don't feel like you care about this. About us; about me."
The words were simple, just like Zoro needed them to be. Now that he had the cook's attention, maybe now he would be willing to talk about this. He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, sniffling as he did so and waited for what Sanji would say next.
It only took Sanji a moment to decide.
Striding over to where he hung his large cooking tools, Sanji took down his sharpest cleaver. Placing his right hand flat on the chopping block, Sanji held the cleaver over his wrist - close enough to barely split the skin and send a thin trail of blood along the edge of the blade.
His whole body trembled but he looked at Zoro with resolution in his eyes. "I'd rather lose my hand than lose you, Zoro."
The sound that escaped him was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, relief flooding him at the fact that the cook was willing to try to work through this. Whatever it was. The blood was way too bright against his pale skin as Zoro watched it spill over the underside of his wrist and he shook his head. "Put it down Sanji," he spoke calmly, crossing the kitchen to where the blond stood.
He would never dream of letting the other man hurt himself. Not like this at any rate. The resolve in those blue eyes spoke volumes though as they looked at each other once more. "Please..."
Sanji's hand tightened on the handle in one last bout of stubbornness. "Do you believe me now?"
He couldn't bear to see his own blood, so he looked ahead into Zoro's eye instead. His voice was strained as he searched the swordsman's gaze. "Can we... Can we fix this?"
Reaching over the counter, Zoro pried the cleaver from Sanji's fingers, setting it aside with a nod. "Why do you think I came in here this morning?" He moved around the counter, grabbing at a towel as he did so and pressing it against the bottom of the cook's wrist. "I don't want to see you bleed for me Sanji. Not like this."
The tension left his body in a sigh of relief and Sanji reached out with his free hand to pull Zoro as close as possible. All the anger, all the fear was gone and cathartic tears were filling the empty space left behind.
Burrowing his face into Zoro's chest he could do nothing to hold back the deep sobs that shook his shoulders and made his chest ache.
Keeping the one hand pressed over the blond's wrist, Zoro wrapped his other around shaky shoulders and gently kissed at the crown of Sanji's head. He inhaled the scent of the blond's shampoo, masked by the smells of the kitchen and sighed. "I can't keep going like this Sanji. I can't keep doing these temporary fixes. If we do this, we fix it right. You hear me?"
Sanji nodded wordlessly into Zoro's chest. He never wanted to go through this again. He never ever wanted to see Zoro cry again.
"Just tell me what I can do."
"Think for starters." The words came out and he shrugged, pushing Sanji back so he could look at him. His visible eye was rimmed in red and tear tracks stained his cheeks. Reaching up, Zoro wiped his thumb across one of them. "You're always jumping to conclusions. Quick to snap and fight, but you never take a second to realize what may actually be going on around you."
He sighed, dropping his forehead against Sanji's and taking a deep breath as his hand slid to the back of the blond's neck. "Can you just try to think before you act? Even if just with me. Right here and right now. We will start small, okay?"
Sanji closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I can't promise I'll be able to keep myself from getting angry right away every time."
He opened his eyes to search Zoro's face, "But I can promise to back off when you tell me to back off. And then I'll remember to think."
His fingers tightened nervously where they were tangled in Zoro's clothes. "Is it okay to start like that? I don't want to lie to you. I'm a bit of an asshole you know."
"Mm." Zoro hummed in agreement, a faint smile ghosting across his face. "It's one of the reasons I love you." Nodding towards Sanji's hand, he moved the towel. "We should get that taken care of. Let me see."
Carefully he picked up the cook's hand, inspecting the shallow cut. It didn't look all that bad, just was bleeding fairly well still, blood welling from the thin line even after having the towel pressed to it for a minute. "Want me to get Chopper?"
"No." Sanji jerked his chin to indicate a cupboard on their right. "I have my own stock of bandages in there. No need to stress the emergency food supply."
With a nod, Zoro moved to gather the things he would need before returning to where Sanji was still standing awkwardly in his own space. They didn't speak anymore, not really having a need to as the focus shifted to him applying his basic medical techniques to his lover's hand.
It was a start, a very small one, but to get Sanji to even acknowledge that they had problems was a huge step. One day at a time, Zoro reminded himself. One day at a time. He wasn't perfect either, had never claimed to be, but this was the step he had been looking for and he couldn't have been happier.