Chapter 1

Sight

She had seen her. She knew that much for sure. 'The nerve,' Olivia thought to herself as she watched the long-legged woman walk right by the large front window of the bar. Olivia glanced back to her co-workers to see if anyone else noticed. They didn't. Olivia was just out to enjoy herself, or try at least.

It had been a long few months. Earlier that day, Elliot had lovingly told his partner that she looked like "complete garbage" and since they had just closed their latest case, he asked to take her out. Rather, he demanded. Nothing fancy, he promised. In fact, that small, shitty bar in Alphabet City was just what he thought they needed. Fin and Munch joined happily, ready for a break from the hell the past week had been. Cragen was reluctantly tagging along. He knew, as a recovering alcoholic, that he should probably stay away from bars. However, after their last case, they were all in need of some friendship, and with that loving closeness that the detectives at the 1-6 provided for him, he knew his temptation for the drink would never consume him more than that bond.

This latest case had taken a toll on Olivia and Elliot, as well as the whole 1-6. An unidentified young man was mercilessly kidnapping, brutalizing, raping, and murdering older women, most of them in their early 80's. He had a connection at a nursing home in the lower east side, which made his pickups so much easier-even assisted. Olivia and Elliot always seemed to be one step behind the suspect. On Tuesday, an anonymous phone tip led them to an abandoned warehouse. Body. The warehouse led them to a penthouse on the upper west side. Body. Before they had reached the third victim, they thought they had the suspect in their grasp, but he made an unprecedented move by changing his original plans. Yet another body. By early Thursday morning, the trail was cold, until they found another body in close proximity to the last one. Both Olivia and Elliot were utterly devastated and frustrated, spending night after night in the squad room, only catching occasional breaks in the crib. Finally, Dr. Huang had recommended that they go in another direction—cut off his source.

Captain Cragen approved the placement of plain-clothed officers to guard the patients at the nursing home. Miraculously, there were no other women taken. Things seemed ok for the first 24 hours or so, until odd disturbances starting happening at Five Oaks Nursing Home. The power went out, the phone lines were cut, and one member of the staff stopped showing up for his two shifts on Thursday afternoon and early Friday morning. In Olivia's opinion, these could only be distractions by someone who is trying to throw the unit off balance, and find a way into the nursing home.

By chance, a plain-clothes officer picked up a suspicious person lurking outside the entrance speaking with the absent employee. Suspicious of drugs, the officer was quick to arrest both men and take them to vice. However, Cragen wanted to make sure that these people were not the men (or man) they were looking for. After comparing DNA and blood type found at the crime scene, along with the defensive wounds on the man, it was easy for SVU to pass this one on to Casey Novak, the ADA for the squad.

Shortly after Olivia and Elliot entered the interview room, everything poured out of young Jeffery Collins, a 23 year old man who looked no older than 17. Olivia thought he seemed proud, and Elliot agreed. He seemed to labor under the impression that the detectives were interested in his stories—that they actually liked hearing how he slashed, raped, and murdered these elderly, defenseless women. Both detectives had mentally checked out throughout his happy saga, but checked in just long enough to hear him confess as to what he did, how he did it, and who helped him. Without incident, he confirmed everything Dr. Warner speculated at the crime scene, and later at the morgue, mentioning pieces that were not made public. Looking through the one-way glass, Olivia cast a sight through to where she knew Casey, Captain Cragen, and Dr. Huang were standing. 'Please tell me this is enough for you. I can't stand to be in the same room with this piece of shit anymore.' She was done. Both she and Elliot had heard enough. Opening the door, they sighed collectively.

"I'm just glad we caught the bastard…You know, I honestly don't think we have seen anyone as ruthless, unyielding, and just downright crazy as this guy. But maybe it's just the lack of sleep and coffee." Olivia said with a small, lazy curve of her lips. There was no reason to smile-four women had been murdered. People had lost their parents, grandparents, aunts and friends. But, there was a small matter of satisfaction in knowing that everyone at Five Oaks would sleep safely tonight.

After Jeffery and his accomplice, the young nursing assistant who was helping him abduct women, were booked, all of the detectives and Casey convened in the squad room. Captain Cragen had thanked them all for their hard work. He normally didn't give speeches like this. After all, there were no easy cases in SVU, but this one just seemed to hit everyone a little harder. This was the moment that Elliot so sympathetically looked at Olivia, his light blue-grey eyes connected with her warm brown ones, just like they had a thousand times before. He cocked his head slightly while keeping her eye contact. He knew that they could communicate with no more than a look, but chose to speak anyway.

"You look like complete garbage," Elliot said. "Seriously Liv, you look like shit." He had thought about holding it in before he said it, but he knew she could take it. After looking around the squad room, he knew that he very well could be speaking to any of them, but, especially recently, his partner had been in a mood that Elliot didn't appreciate. It's not that it was hateful, or even pessimistic, but it was just not Olivia, and Elliot felt for her. He wasn't sure what had happened, if anything specific, but he knew that something was up, and it was only a matter of time before he got to the bottom of it-even if all he could do to help was lend an ear.

"Wow. You really know how to make a girl feel special El. No wonder Kathy keeps you around." Olivia chuckled as she playfully jabbed Elliot in the ribs with her elbow. She knew that he was right, though. Besides the case, there were just so many other things that Olivia was dealing with. She had been doing a lot of self-reflection lately: volunteering when she had time at the rape crisis center, playing with children involved in a Big Brothers, Big Sisters-type organization, and (even though she couldn't believe it herself) doing a fair amount of yoga and meditation. All of this seemed to have the opposite effect. She felt more distant, disassociated, and just plain blah. She had realized during the Jeffery Collins chase and arrest that she was most likely treating the symptoms and not the cause. Hopefully a night out with the guys would help. Elliot had suggested their usual shithole hangout in Alphabet City, and at that moment, nothing sounded better.

Olivia let Elliot drive, with Fin and Munch in the back—it's always easier for everyone to take the subway home when they all get wasted. This was an unspoken understanding between them all, and at the end of this case, they all knew that's exactly what was going to happen. Kathy had called on their way to the bar, encouraging Elliot to spend time with his fellow detectives, Olivia especially. Kathy had been saying for 8 months that something was up with her, but Elliot had only just noticed. Knowing she was right, he lovingly thanked her and hung up. Olivia quietly wished she had someone calling her and supporting her like that. 'Oh well. It's nice to dream,' Olivia thought.

Her thoughts slowly strayed back to the case. Finding elderly women's tattered and slashed bodies was not on a list of something either of them ever wanted to do again, and Olivia had a feeling that the reason her partner wanted to go out was because of this case-to help clear his own head, and Olivia's mood lately was an easy reason for him to justify doing so. She knew she had been distant towards her partner, but she also knew that he was a sensitive, loving soul. He was a truth-searcher, and Olivia always saw herself as tainted, muddied, and moralistically bankrupt when it came to some of his values, but she knew that this case hit him hard. It hit everyone hard.

Following Fin into the bar, they crept into the back corner table where they always sat. A few minutes later, Captain Cragen joined them. He always drove himself. Everyone knew he would always be sober, and if he wasn't, their first priority wasn't how to get him home-it was how to get him help. He slid into the circular booth next to Olivia, which gave her a perfect view of the large window in the front of the bar. Elliot took the liberty of ordering two pitchers of Sam Adams to get them started, but ordered Olivia her usual, a Jack and Coke. He knew that his partner hated when people ordered for her, but he also knew that she didn't drink beer very often, and he didn't want her to feel like she had to help them down those pitchers.

"Make it a double," Olivia added from behind Elliot, scooting into the booth. He raised his eyebrows at her and chuckled. "What? Isn't this about trying to forget Jeffery Collins?"

"Absolutely. Just surprised, that's all."

"Thanks, El. Love you." She said with a smile. She knew that alcoholism ran in her blood. Her mother was an alcoholic—rightly so, Olivia always thought, after what had happened in her life. However, she knew how to control herself and was all too aware of the effects of her mother's alcoholism. She had never had a problem with it before. She liked to enjoy herself, but knew when to stop.

"Love you too, Liv." With that, Olivia smiled and turned to look outside. The warm, brotherly feeling Elliot gave her was unlike any she had ever had. She knew that he had her back, and she had his. She knew that she wouldn't ever feel this way about just any partner, and that allowed her to trust Elliot with her life. Olivia had heard the speculation about their relationship. Besides the fact that Olivia outed herself as a lesbian long ago, she would never cross the line with Elliot. He was her brother. End of story.

The wind was lightly blowing in the summer night, moving the young, solitary tree outside the bar to and fro. There was some kind of beauty in that tree surrounded by the concrete jungle that was New York City. She could see an old newspaper gliding across the sidewalk, which also seemed wonderfully artful at the time. Perhaps she was just feeling pensive, forcing herself to see the beauty in life, suppressing everything she had seen the past week. 'Only in New York,' Olivia thought as she watched remnants of the newspaper catch in the tree, blowing pieces apart. She sipped from her drink until she had realized she was sucking air. It was gone already. 'Wow,' she thought. 'What the hell.' Signaling to the waitress, she held her glass and nodded. She slowly refocused out the front window, now seeing the newspaper tear piece from piece, section from section, out of each branch of the tree. It now seemed that there was more newspaper in the tree than actual leaves. 'How quickly beauty is overtaken,' she thought.

"Hello? Earth to Olivia Benson. Come in Detective." A single hand waved in front of her line of vision. A hand she knew belonged to John Munch.

"I'm sorry-what?" Olivia asked with a shake of her head.

"I was just saying that I hope Collins gets what he deserves in the brig tonight. A guy like that, even killers and rapists will look down on him. Can't wait to hear about the conviction and the needle in his arm."

"Yeah." Olivia smiled a sad smile and nodded towards Munch. "What was he thinking? I mean, I guess he wasn't. People like that just don't deserve anything."

Her answer was evasive. It wasn't a typical Olivia Benson response, and everyone had noticed. The detectives and Captain Cragen were all expecting some smart-ass remark about a stupid bastard and what else Olivia would do if she could get her hands on him. The detectives all exchanged questioning looks as Olivia asked Captain Cragen to scoot out.

"Ladies room," she said when she noticed the looks on her co-workers faces. "Calm down! I'm not leaving!" She smiled, nodded, and headed to the bathroom.

"Liv!" Elliot had shouted as she was walking away. "Want another?" He held up her empty glass.

'Holy shit. Is it gone again? Surely I haven't drank that much.'

"Yeah! Thanks!" As she walked towards the front of the bar she had seen it. It was one moment, a flash in her eyes. Her heart sank and her legs failed her. She leaned against the bar for support as she watched the blonde hair blow in the wind. The younger woman stopped to remove her glasses and wipe the rain off of them. She removed her black suit jacket from her slender frame and gently folded it over her arm. The younger woman placed the glasses in her purse and continued on. As she moved out of the sight of the window, Olivia staggered to the bathroom. She was not drunk, however she felt it in the moment.

She used the toilet and then sat in the stall. She leaned her head against the stall door and blinked, as an involuntary tear ran down her face. 'Not now. No. no. no. I can't even put myself together for me, much less for her. Who does she think she is? The fucking nerve. To walk right past this bar and look like that, wearing that shirt and taking off that jacket. God, this hurts.'

'Find your resolve, Olivia Benson. Figure it out and let it go for tonight.' She mustered all of her academy training, exited the stall and washed her hands. Staring at her face in the mirror, she spoke these same words to herself over and over. After drying her hands, she pushed the door open and exited the bathroom. Quickly locating the guys, she headed back to the booth where her drink was waiting.

"You OK girl?" Fin asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just a long week, you know. I'm surprised we are all here even walking and standing, much less speaking to anyone. Ha!"

"Yeah, you're probably right." Fin said with a smile. He had always loved Olivia like a sister and wanted her to be happy.

Olivia signaled to the waitress again, still sipping her drink that had been delivered while she was in the bathroom.

"Another double Jack and Coke, ma'am?"

"Oh wow. Uh, No ma'am, please. And, I'll take a double scotch on the rocks, please. And thank you….uhh…" she threw the waitress a smile and a glance as she read the nametag. "Sarah." Now here was the old Olivia that the other detectives knew and loved. Putting the moves on the waitress was, if nothing else, classic Olivia Benson. She had a way of making people feel like they were the only ones that mattered. In fact, all of the detectives had stopped talking and were focused on only Olivia and her new interest, Sarah.

"Putting it down hard tonight, huh?" Finn said as he smiled at Benson, giving her a wink and a nudge. He knew that this was her typical M.O for the past few months. A new day off meant a new woman for detective Benson. Not that she was easy, but Fin knew she wasn't trying to have a relationship. Sometimes it was just easier to go from fling to fling—Fin knew that better than anyone.

"Well, you know what they say…" Olivia said. "Go hard, or go home." And with a wink, she was up once again, this time heading for the bar to meet Sarah with her drink. Sarah was younger than Olivia, perhaps 33 or 34, wearing a typical waitress uniform-blue jeans and a bar t-shirt, although Olivia couldn't deny that the outfit hugged her in all of the right places. She was rather flat chested, but Olivia didn't care about that. She was more of an ass woman. 'That ass does NOT quit,' Olivia thought as she walked up behind Sarah. Her curly, black hair flowed from her shoulders down to the middle of her back, and she swept her side bangs out of her green eyes to turn and face Olivia.

All four of her co-workers gawked in amazement. She worked fast. Although they knew of Olivia's fondness for beautiful women, they had never actually seen her in action. The pickup artist that was Olivia Benson was now in full force, lightly touching Sarah's arm and laughing at a conversation they were having. Olivia was wearing her typical ensemble: tight black jeans, a long sleeved white V-neck sweater, complete with a chain necklace and minimal amounts of makeup. She was dangerously beautiful, and everyone knew that. Apparently, Sarah had figured that out as well.

Fin, Munch, and Cragen all laughed this behavior off, but Elliot knew that there was something more that had affected her. But, he would have to let her go. 'Whatever this is, she's going to have to figure it out for herself first,' Elliot thought. He knew that tonight would be full of meaningless sex for his partner, and part of him chuckled. Maybe Olivia getting laid would relieve some stress, but more than likely, it would be just that: meaningless. He wanted to remind himself to bring this up on Monday, or Tuesday—whenever he saw her next. He knew that everyone needed a break. It was Friday, but everyone had worked close to 85 hours already on this case. Fin and Munch were catching this weekend, so they made sure not to get too drunk, while Elliot had time to spend with his family, and Olivia had time to do whatever it was that she did on the weekends.

Shortly after Olivia finished her scotch, she returned to the table. She gave all of the guys a loving smile. "I think I'm gonna hang around here for a while." She glanced back towards Sarah.

"Be careful Liv. Call me if you need me," Elliot offered over the higher volume of the music that permeated the bar.

"Will do. Go home and spend some time with Kathy. Tell everyone I said hello." She hugged all of her co-workers. Even with this crazy drunk buzz she had going, she knew that these people were her best friends in the world. "Thanks, guys. I'll see you soon."

"No problem, Liv," Munch offered. "We all need to get our heads off of this case. Try to forget about it tonight." They all walked out of the bar after paying their tabs and separated out into the night.

Olivia turned back towards the bar to see Sarah clocking out and saying goodbye to her manager. Her beautiful torso escaped from under her shirt when she removed her work t-shirt and revealed a short royal blue crop top that enhanced her dark skin tone. Her eyes were carefully studying Olivia, who, in her drunken stupor, didn't notice and continued to stare right back.

The fact that Alex Cabot had walked by the window of the bar that night forced Olivia to think that Alex was all she would be thinking about tonight. But, Sarah had her thinking something totally different at the moment. She had to forget about Alex. It didn't happen. She needed someone to help her forget what she was remembering, and Sarah was just that person.