The Change, a seinfeld fanfic

SEINFELD

"The Change"

Written by Martin A. Stihec

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. Massachusetts PRISON – DAY – ESTABLISHING

INT. PRISON – HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

There are cells all along the left side of the wall and a walking area on the right. We see JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER and ELAINE being escorted through the right side of the hallway towards by a PRISON GUARD. All four are dressed in civilian clothes, not prison clothes.

JERRY

I can't believe it's all over. One year behind bars.

ELAINE

Finally. Finally I can have a real shower. Do you know how long it's been since I've had a real shower Jerry?

JERRY

Well, at least when you were in the shower you didn't have to worry about accidentally dropping the soap – hey Kramer.

KRAMER

(emotionally vulnerable)

I don't want to talk about it.

ELAINE

Huh, that's nothing. One woman tried to make me her "she-thing."

JERRY

Really? I always thought the girls' ward would be more… feminine than the men's.

ELAINE

(grunts)

Anything but. Most of them have twice as much testosterone than you do.

GEORGE

You think NBC still wants to do the series?

JERRY

I don't know. I tried calling them a few times but they didn't answer. I'll try again once we get back in New York.

On this, we

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

INT. PRISON – HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Just where we left off…

GEORGE

(to Guard)

Can I ask you a question?

PRISON GUARD

Sure.

GEORGE

Do they give you a chair to sit on while you're doing your rounds?

The Prison Guard gives George a confused look.

GEORGE

(explaining)

Y'know, a bench or something to rest on between cell blocks.

JERRY

George…

GEORGE

What? I'm just asking the man a question.

KRAMER

What do you need to sit down for anyway? I haven't had anything to sit on in my apartment for two years.

ELAINE

What are you talking about Kramer? I've see your apartment, you have a couch. No chairs or carpet, but I remember seeing a couch.

KRAMER

Naa, I got rid off that piece of junk years ago.

JERRY

I thought I saw a table in there once…

GEORGE

(to Guard)

So, do they give you a chair of something?

PRISON GUARD

Nope.

GEORGE

Well, if I may say so, that's a little inconsiderate. Your working, literally, with some of the worse scum the country has to offer –

PRISONER (OS)

Hey, who are you calling scum, tubby?

GEORGE (Cont'd)

And they don't even let you sit down for five minutes.

The Prison Guard shrugs his shoulders.

GEORGE

Would you like a chair?

PRISON GUARD

I suppose if they gave me a chair I'd sit in it.

GEORGE

Well there you go. I'm gonna talk to your supervisor. Things are going to change around here my friend. They're going to curse the day they ever heard the name George Costanza.

JERRY

I know I have.

INT. PRISON ADMINISTRATIONS AREA – MINUTES LATER

The room is no mare than a few desks and an entrance. We see the Prison Guard escort Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine to one of the desks. There is a heavyset woman behind it. She takes out a box from under her desk and puts it on the desk in front of them.

WOMAN

Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, Mr. George Costanza, Ms. Elaine Benes, and Mr. Cosmo Kramer.

JERRY

Yeah, that's us.

The Woman gestures to a piece of paper stuck to the box.

WOMAN

I need you all to sign here.

JERRY

Okay.

Jerry signs his name, then George, then Elaine. Kramer step up to the box – pen in hand, and accidentally falls forward.

KRAMER'S POV

He plunges towards the heavyset woman – pen about to hit her face.

INT. PRISON HALLWAY – DAY – LATER

Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine are being escorted back they way they came by the Prison Guard. All wearing prison clothes.

JERRY

Ya had to trip, didn't ya?!

KRAMER

I said I was sorry.

EXT. Massachusetts PRISON – DAY

SUPERIMPOSE: Four days later…

INT. PRISON HALLWAY – DAY – LATER

We see Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine being escorted – AGAIN, through the hallway by a different Prison Guard.

GEORGE

So, you're telling me that they didn't even offer you a chair. How could they not do that! It's our right as Human beings to be able to sit –

JERRY ELAINE

(both fed up)

Oh, will you let it go George! Why don't you shut the…

INT. PRISON – NEAR ENTRANCE – MINUTES LATER

All four are walking towards the door. George is carrying their possessions box – which is covered in blood!

GEORGE

What if we're recognized?

ELAINE
Come on, it's been a year. Who's going to recognize us?

KRAMER

Yeah. People forgot who Princess Di was the day after her funeral.

EXT. PRISON ENTRANCE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

They walk out the door.

JERRY

I doubt anybody even remembers who we are.

CROWD (OS)

Boo!!

They find an angry mob in front of them.

JERRY

On the other hand…

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY – LATER

Just to establish.

EXT. NEW YORY STREET – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine are walking down the street. George is still carrying the box they got from prison.

JERRY

(mid-sentence)

… So I asked my parents to pay the rent on my apartment while we were in prison. It's going to be hell trying to give them the money back though.

ELAINE

I wish I had thought of that. I just got a friend to move all my stuff out.

(beat)

What about you George?

GEORGE

Oh, I, um… I've taken care of it.

JERRY

Totally slipped your mind didn't it?

GEORGE

Yeah.

JERRY

Well, I'm sure the landlord just moved all your stuff into storage.

ELAINE

You Kramer?

KRAMER

Jerry's…

JERRY

I'm paying for him too – as usual.

GEORGE

Elaine, you still got your job with Peterman?

ELAINE

I don't know. I haven't checked with him yet.

JERRY

You know, me and Kramer better check on our apartments.

GEORGE

Me too.

ELAINE

I suppose I'd better go see Peterman – OH, oh, Puddy! I totally forgot about Puddy!

JERRY

I thought you trying to breakup with him.

ELAINE

Yeah, I was. But I haven't had sex in over a year.

JERRY

Didn't you said you were someone's "she-thing."

ELAINE

No, I said she tried to make me her "she-thing."

JERRY

Oh. So she wouldn't take ya, huh?

Elaine fake laughs.

ELAINE

Very funny, Jugdish.

EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY

Just to establish.

INT. BUILDING ENTRANCE – DAY – LATER

Jerry and Kramer enter and look around. The lobby looks drastically different than in the series; walls painted pink and blue, etc.

JERRY

What's happened here?

KRAMER

They must have redecorated.

JERRY

Redecorated? It's like an entirely different building.

A lady tenant walks by – MRS. STRATON

JERRY

Hi Mrs. Straton.

She just walks past and ignores them. A male tenant walks by – GUSS.

KRAMER

Hey Guss, hows the…

She just walks past and ignores them.

JERRY

I can't believe it. I've lived here in the building nearly twelve years – must have talked to her a hundred times in the lobby, she doesn't even say hello.

KRAMER

I know; I was the one who introduced Guss to his fiancée.

(to Guss)

Thanks a lot buddy!

JERRY

I always thought Guss was a bachelor. Where did you introduce them?

KRAMER

In a strip club.

JERRY

Really? A stripper?

KRAMER

No, no. He was the bartender.

Jerry gives Kramer a strange look.

INT. OUTSIDE JERRY AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry and Kramer walk up to Jerry's apartment. Jerry takes out his key and is about to open the door, when he realizes Kramer is still there.

JERRY

Aren't you going to check your apartment?

KRAMER

Yeah, but I'm hungry.

JERRY

You do realize that any food in there is over a year old?

KRAMER

Yeah, I know. So, come on – lets giddy-up-up.

Jerry shakes his head in disbelief and starts unlocking the door.

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry finishes unlocking the door and they both enter. All of Jerry's furniture is gone. Instead of a couch there are five chairs and a large dining table. There is no TV and the carpet is bright orange. Jerry is speechless – in shock. Kramer doesn't even notice and heads straight for the fridge – which looks like Jerry's but isn't.

KRAMER

Hey Jerry, didn't you have a pizza in here before we left New York?

Kramer continues scavenging.

KRAMER (Cont'd)

What's this?? Since when do you drink apple juice Jerry? Jerry?

JERRY

Kramer!

Kramer takes his head out of the fridge.

KRAMER

What? What is it?

JERRY

Look!

Jerry waves his arm around the apartment. Kramer finally notices something odd.

KRAMER

Oh. Guess they redecorated more than the lobby, huh.

JERRY

Something's very wrong here Kramer!

KRAMER

I know. Orange…

Kramer makes a face of disgust.

JERRY

Not the colour! My stuff! My Furniture!

WIFE (OS)

Try and keep it down in there Honey, I've just put Malcolm to sleep.

A woman – WIFE, comes out of the bedroom holding a small child.

WIFE

Who are you?

JERRY

Who am I?! Who are you?!

                        WIFE

Get out of my apartment. My husband is a police officer and he'll be home any second, so don't try anything.

                        JERRY

            Your apartment?! This is my apartment!

The HUSBAND enters the apartment – wearing his police uniform.

                        HUSBAND

            Honey I –

The Husband sees Jerry and Kramer

                        HUSBAND (Cont'd)

            Who are you people, and what are you doing in our apartment?

                        JERRY

            It's not your apartment –

                        KRAMER

(overlapping)

            It's our apartment.

                        JERRY

(to Kramer)

            It's my apartment.

(to Husband)

I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I was out of the city for year. I've lived in this apartment for twelve years – I told my parents to pay the rent for me while I was away.

                        HUSBAND

            When we applied for the apartment the landlord said it was vacant.

                        JERRY

            What??

                        KRAMER

            Could I get something to eat?

                        JERRY

            Come on Kramer, let's go.

                        KRAMER

            But I'm hungry.

Jerry and Kramer leave the apartment.

INT. OUTSIDE JERRY AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry closes the door behind them.

                        JERRY

            Well, let's try your apartment.

Kramer puts his hand in his pocket.

                        KRAMER

            Uh oh.

                        JERRY

            What now?

                        KRAMER

            I can't find my keys.

(beat)

            I'll have to go get my spare from Newman.

                        JERRY

            Newman? I thought I was your backup.

                        KRAMER

            You are. Newman's my second backup.

                        JERRY

            How many backups do you have?

                        KRAMER

            Well, Lomez is my third… I think I gave one to Bob Sacamano…

                        JERRY

            Okay, okay. You go see Newman and I'll talk to the landlord about my letter.

Jerry starts walking back down the hall.

                        KRAMER

            Give his wife my best!

EXT. NEW YORK – STREET – DAY – LATER

George is walking down it carrying their box.

                        PASSERBY #1

            Go back to Massachusetts; we don't want your kind here!

                        PASSERBY #2

            You should have got thirty years, ya murderer!

                        GEORGE

            I didn't know the invitations were toxic!

                        PASSERBY #2

            Go to hell!

A beat passes…

                        GEORGE (Thinking)

I need to go to the bathroom. Think – where is the nearest high quality restroom… Ah, here we are – the end of thirty Fifth Street.

INT. RESTROOM – DAY – MINUTES LATER

George enters with their box. He sees a magazine on the floor.

                        GEORGE (Thinking)

            Is that a Glamour magazine? I think it is…

George looks around to see if he is alone. He puts the box down next to a stall and enters it – magazine in hand. A MAN exits another stall and sees the box. He washes his hands and walks out with the box. As soon as he's gone George exits his stall and washes his hands. As he turns back to the stall he sees the box is missing! On this, we

                                                                                    FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. PETERMAN'S OFFICE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Peterman is at his desk reading an old J. Peterman Catalog. Peterman's SECRETARY enters. The office is not the same one as seen in "The Frogger."

                        SECRETARY

            Mr. Peterman. There's an Elaine Benes here to see you.

Peterman puts the catalog down.

                        PETERMAN

            Elaine Benes…

Peterman gets up and moves to a window.

                        PETERMAN (Cont'd)

(darker)

            I new this day would soon come…

Peterman returns to his desk.

                        PETERMAN (Cont'd)

(normal tone)

            All right, send her in.

Elaine enters the officer.

                        PETERMAN

Well hello Elaine. Long time no see. You know, I was just thinking about you the other day while I was walking through the city in my Himalayan Walking Shoes. It was a bitter cold night. A figure leered out of the darkness. It was a homeless woman. She was crying. I went to comfort her, to assure her that better days were ahead…

                        ELAINE

            Ah, Mr. Peterman…

                        PETERMAN (Cont'd)

            She told me that her children were sick.

                        ELAINE

            Mr. Peterman…

                        PETERMAN (Cont'd)

They had caught the chickenpox from a young Asian man they sat next to on the bus. I offered to drive them to the hospital – but she refused. She did not want pity. She wanted an equal chance to –

                        ELAINE

Mr. Peterman, when I took a leave of absence a year ago it was because a few friends were planning a trip to Paris –

                        PETERMAN

            Paris. I remember my first time in Paris. It was back in nineteen seventy six…

                        ELAINE

Anyway, we didn't expect to be arrested for some stupid law in Yokel Ville, Massachusetts. And, well…

                        PETERMAN

            You want to know if you still have your job.

                        ELAINE

            Yes.

                        PETERMAN

            Well, I'm afraid we already replaced you.

                        ELAINE

            Oh.

                        PETERMAN

But I can offer you another position. I believe there is currently an opening in the editing department. My secretary will show you the where to go on your way out.

                        ELAINE

            Thank you Mr. Peterman, you won't regret it.

                        PETERMAN

            I'm sure I won't. Now, off you go before I change my mind.

                        ELAINE

            Yes Mr. Peterman. Thank you Mr. Peterman.

Elaine exits Peterman's office.

INT. OUTSIDE THE LANDLORD'S APARTMENT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry walks up to the door and knocks on it. The landlord opens the door (the same one from "The Reverse Peephole.")

                        LANDLORD

            Ah, well if it isn't Jerry Seinfeld. Where's your, ah, fur coat, huh?

                        JERRY

            Hey…

                        JERRY (Thinking)

Oh my God, I can't remember his name! Ah! Come on, think. It starts with an S. Simar, Silvar, Silvo, Silvio… Well, say something…

                        JERRY (Cont'd)

            … You.

                        LANDLORD

Hay, what's the matter with you, huh? You leave one day and you don't come back. I have to rent out your apartment again.

                        JERRY

            Didn't my parents come by and pay my rent for me? Didn't they tell you where I was?

                        LANDLORD

Your parents? Why would your parents be paying your rent for you? You broke or something?

                        JERRY

            So my parents didn't come here.

                        LANDLORD

            No. I put all your things in storage. You can pick them up whenever okay?

                        JERRY

            Oh, sure. Thanks Sss…

                        JERRY (Thinking)

            Oh no, you've done it again!

                        JERRY (Cont'd)

            … Ssee-ya.

The Landlord closes his door. Jerry leaves with a confused look on his face.

INT. OUTSIDE NEWMAN'S APARTMENT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Kramer walks up to Newman's door and knocks on it.

                        KRAMER

            Hey Newman! Come on, it's me Kramer!

Newman opens the door.

                        NEWMAN

            Hello Kramer. I see it's been a year. Does that mean Jerry…?

                        KRAMER
            Yeah, he's out.

                        NEWMAN

            Blast it!

                        KRAMER

(sarcastically)

            And thanks for visiting me by the way. Really appreciated it.

(beat)

            Anyway, I need my spare keys.

                        NEWMAN

            I thought Jerry was you first backup.

                        KRAMER

            Yeah, but his pair was in his apartment – which was rented out to another tenant.

                        NEWMAN

            Oh, that's too bad.

Newman goes back into his apartment for a second, and then comes back with Kramer's keys (the same ones from "The Keys.")

                        NEWMAN

            Here.

Newman hands Kramer the keys.

                        NEWMAN

            A shame Jerry's letter didn't make it the Seinfelds. It must have gotten lost in the mail.

Newman closes the door and starts chuckling.

                        KRAMER

(to himself)

            Newman.

INT. BUILDING ENTRANCE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry is dialing a number on the lobby phone.

INT. SEINFELD'S HOUSE – FLORIDA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Mrs. Seinfeld answers the phone.

                        MRS. SEINFELD

            Hello.

INT. BUILDING ENTRANCE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry is on the phone. During their conversation we intercut between the two settings – Jerry on the phone and Mrs. Seinfeld on the phone.

                        JERRY

            It's me, Jerry.

                        MRS. SEINFELD

Jerry! Where have you been? Your father and I have been calling you all day. This woman kept answering and saying she never heard of you – I felt like I was going crazy!

                        JERRY

            Didn't you get my letter?

                        MRS. SEINFELD

            Letter? What letter? I didn't get any letter.

                        JERRY

Like, a year ago I sent you letter asking you to pay my rent for me while I was away. You didn't get it?

                        MRS. SEINFELD

No. Why would you write a letter? Why didn't you just ask us when we visited you? Would have been a lot easier than writing a letter.

                        JERRY

            The whole time I was in prison you visited me, like, three times.

                        MRS. SEINFELD

            Now you know how we feel.

                        JERRY

Okay, I've got to make another call to NBC. I'll let you know if they still want to do the show. See-ya… Love you too.

Jerry hangs up the phone. Kramer walks up to him.

                        KRAMER

            Hey.

                        JERRY

            Hey. You get the keys?

                        KRAMER

            Yeah. Let me guess – your parents never got the letter.

                        JERRY

            Right. How did you know?

                        KRAMER

I think Newman had something to do with it. He said it was probably lost in the mail.

                        JERRY

            But Newman doesn't work in Massachusetts. How…?

                        KRAMER

            Well, you know Newman – he has contacts everywhere in the mail industry.

                        JERRY

(to himself)

            Newman.

EXT. NEW YORK – STREET – DAY – MINUTES LATER

George is walking around in circles – confused. A YOUNG MAN walks by.

                        GEORGE

            Excuse me, wasn't there an apartment building around here?

                        YOUNG MAN

            There was. They tore it down about six months ago.

                        GEORGE

            What?! They tore it down?!

                        YOUNG MAN

            That's what I said.

The Young Man continues walking along. George grabs his head with both hands – about to have a tantrum.

                        GEORGE

            Ho ho!

INT. J. PETERMAN EDITING DEPARTMENT – OFFICE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Elaine is being shown around by MRS. CONWAY – a middle aged woman in a business suit.

                        MRS. CONWAY

            And here is where you'll be working.

                        ELAINE

(not impressed)

Really? I can't say it's much of a position for someone who used to run the whole company. Junior Editor Elaine Benes – I don't think so.

                        MRS. CONWAY

            Actually, that's my title. This is my office…

She points to a small desk just outside the office.

                        MRS. CONWAY (Cont'd)

            That is where you work.

                        ELAINE

            I'm an assistant to a Junior Editor?

                        MRS. CONWAY

            Maybe – in a few years. You're my secretary.

                        ELAINE

(laughs in denial)

            No, no. I think you've made a mistake.

                        MRS. CONWAY

I'm afraid I haven't. This is the only current opening in the company. So, you can either take it or leave it.

Elaine's face sinks.

INT. OUTSIDE JERRY AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry and Kramer walk up to Kramer's door.

                        JERRY

Can we make this quick; I still have to call NBC about the sitcom. Its not as if anyone's going to rent your apartment anyway.

                        KRAMER

(offended)

            Oh, and why is that?

                        JERRY

You have to be crazy or named Cosmo Kramer to put up with that place. There's no heating system, half the outlets don't work…

Kramer takes out his keys and unlocks the door.

INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jerry and Kramer enter. The place is piled up with furniture and supply – including all of Jerry's stuff.

                        KRAMER

(taken back)

            Yoyo-ma.

                        JERRY

Wow. I guess Silvvv… the landlord must've changed it into a storage room while the building was being redecorated. Oh, there's my couch.

EXT. GEORGE'S PARENTS' HOUSE – DAY

Just to establish.

INT. GEORGE'S PARENTS' HOUSE – DAY – LATER

Estelle Costanza is ironing in the living room. We hear the doorbell ring. Estelle puts down the iron and answers the door. She is overwhelmed to see George standing behind it.

                        ESTELLE

            Oh, Gorgie!

Estelle hugs him tightly.

                        ESTELLE

            Frank, Gorgie's home!

                        FRANK (OS)

            What!!

Estelle walks it the house – George follows with an "I've hit rock bottom… again" look.

                        ESTELLE

            I said Gorgie's home!!

Frank COSTANZA comes out of the kitchen.

                        FRANK

            What did you say!

Frank sees George.

                        FRANK

(smiling)

            Ah, George. Come here will ya.

George walks towards him – slowly. Frank hits him on the head.

                        FRANK

            What's the matter with you huh? Think you're tough mugging a fat guy?

                        GEORGE

            I didn't mug him. I just kinda watched, and… insulted him a little.

                        ESTELLE

            Will you just leave him alone Frank.

                        FRANK

            I'm just teaching him a lesson!

                        ESTELLE

            Oh, shut up Frank! It doesn't matter.

Estelle reuns up and hugs him again.

                        ESTELLE (Cont'd)

            Georgie's finally home.

                        GEORGE

(crying)

            I'm home.

EXT. MONK'S Café – NIGHT

Just to establish.

INT. MONK'S café – NIGHT – LATER

Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine are sitting in a booth together with separate meals in front of them. Jerry and Elaine on one side, George and Kramer on the other.

                        JERRY

Anyway, Kramer and I have to sleep in a motel until we can find new apartments. It's going to be hard leaving that apartment behind.

                        KRAMER

            I know what you mean. I can't even imagine not living three feet away from it.

                        JERRY

(to Elaine)

            How did it go with Peterman? Is he letting you have your old job back.

                        ELAINE

            Not quite. He did give a job though.

                        JERRY

            Well there's something to celebrate.

                        ELAINE

            I'm the new Junior Editor's secretary.

                        JERRY

            Oh.

                        ELAINE

            It pays a sixth of what I was making before.

                        GEORGE

            Ever find Puddy?

                        ELAINE

            Yeah.

                        GEORGE

            And…?

                        ELAINE

            We had sex. I'm moving in with him – for now anyway.

                        KRAMER

            What about you George?

                        GEORGE

            They, ah, tore down my building.

                        ELAINE

            No…

                        GEORGE

Everything I had – my books… all gone. And on top of that I have to live with my parents again until I find a job.

                        JERRY

            Kruger didn't take ya back?

                        GEORGE

            He didn't even remember me. Me. George Costanza.

                        JERRY

            Oh – I forgot to call NBC. You think they're still open?

                        GEORGE

            Of course they're open – they're a TV station.

                        JERRY

            I'll call them now.

Jerry leaves the booth and goes to the phone and dials their number.

                        JERRY

Hello, it's Jerry Seinfeld – I'm writing a sitcom for the network. I was wandering if I could talk to Mr. Kimbrough.

(beat)

            Okay, I'll hold.

INT. VICE PRESIDENT OF PROGRAMMING'S OFFICE – NBC – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

James Kimbrough is sitting at his desk. He picks up his phone.

                        KIMBROUGH

            Hello.

INT. MONK'S café – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

Jerry is on the phone. During their conversation we intercut between the two settings – Jerry on the phone and Kimbrough on the phone.

                        JERRY

            Hello Mr. Kimbrough, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

                        KIMBROUGH

            Seinfeld. I remember you.

                        JERRY

            Well, now that we're out of prison we was wandering when to start producing the series.

                        KIMBROUGH

            My initial response would be "When Hell freezes over."

(sighs)

But, we did sign a contract. So, as long as you have you're copy you can come to California anytime and get your thirteen episodes shot.

                        JERRY

            Great. We'll get down there straight away.

Jerry gets off the phone and sits back in the booth.

                        JERRY

            They don't want to produce it… But we're gonna anyway!

                        GEORGE

            What?!

                        JERRY

Yeah! They wanted to back out, but as long as we have our contract they can't stop us from doing it!

                        KRAMER

            Where's the contract?

                        JERRY

(realizes)

Oh, it must be in that box they gave us when we left Massachusetts. George where did you put it?

George's face drops. On this, we

                                                            FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN:

While the credits roll…

CLOSING monologue

                        JERRY

I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes when someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because that is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the gay community. They're probably discriminated against because of that, people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but I think it's about time, Y'know that you got in shape, tucked the shirt in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume that people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doin' this: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [Waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum: "Y'know I think Joe might be vroom [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little vroom.

On this, we

                        FADE OUT:

END OF TAG