"Agony"

I sit alone in my office, staring blindly at the pages in front of me. I try to concentrate on the neatly typed text but it's impossible. Sighing, I reach for my mug of tea, grimacing as I realise I've let the soothing liquid cool to an unpalatable temperature. I close my eyes and take a slow breath, concentrating on the sensation of air flowing in and out of my body, the rise and fall of my chest. Ordinarily, I find this action calming, centring but today I gain no such comfort. Today my mind is flooded with thoughts of him. Of her. Of them. Stabs of jealousy make my chest ache as I remember the past few weeks - the heated glances between them, the shared smiles, the flirtatious conversation. He didn't mention her when he told me he was going to New York but he didn't have to. I know she's the reason. She's the reason he has light back in his eyes and a smile creasing his features. And my stomach twists as I realise I love and hate her in equal measures for that. I'm glad she appears to have bestowed on him a sense of peace, of healing and yet…my selfish heart wishes desperately that I could have been the one to give that to him. I squeeze my eyes shut once more as I remember how I watched him from a distance those weeks ago, standing forlornly at Mel's grave. I had taken no more than a few steps towards him, wanting to comfort him, to share his pain. And then I had glanced up and noticed her standing beside him…and felt anguish penetrate to the depths of my soul. I feel physically sick when I think of that memory. It reminds me that he doesn't need me anymore. That maybe he never did.

I glance at the clock on my desk and wonder what he's doing now. Thoughts of him lying in her bed, his body wrapped around hers, are agony to my battered soul and I try desperately to banish them to the furthest recesses of my mind. As his friend, I know I should be happy for him but I can't shake the darkness that has settled about my shoulders. I can feel ugly tendrils of envy seeping into my very core, making my head pound and my stomach churn. Christ knows it's pathetic. And I hate myself for feeling this way.

The sound of laugher breaks me from my self-loathing and I look up, through the glass panes of my office, to see Spencer, Stella and Eve in the main meeting room, engaged in jovial conversation. Their faces are radiant, a sharp contrast to my bitter mood. I catch Eve's eye and watch her expression change from a brilliant smile to a concerned frown. She wanders over to my office and leans against the doorframe.

"Grace? You all right?" She asks, softly.

I force a smile, my muscles aching with the effort. "Yeah. Fine." I lie, desperately hoping her inquisitive, scientific nature won't lead to further probing about my mental state.

Eve's dark eyes narrow and she examines me more closely. "You sure?"

I can't look at her anymore for fear she'll see right through my pretence so I divert my gaze down onto the paper on my desk.

"Absolutely." I say, fighting to keep my tone even and controlled, despite the rising emotion in my chest.

She pauses for so long before replying that I look up to see if she's still there. Her expression tells me that she's unconvinced by my forced affirmatives but I haven't got the energy to reassure her further. She smiles brightly, trying to lift the atmosphere of gloom that so obviously surrounds me.

"Yeah, well, we're going to skive off early to the pub, if you want to join us. While the boss is away and all that…" She shrugs and laughs throatily.

The mere mention of him and his current absence compounds my pain and I take a breath, forcing the ache into my stomach.

"I think I'll give it a miss, if you don't mind." I say, quietly, unable to meet her eyes. "I've got loads of paperwork to catch up on…"

Eve frowns at the excuse, her forehead creasing. "All right. If you change your mind, though, you know you'd be welcome."

I smile genuinely for the first time, touched by her words. "Thanks, Eve."

"See you tomorrow, then."

She gives me a final smile before turning and walking back towards Spencer and Stella. I watch the three of them gather their things and begin to move from the office, each of them waving as they pass me by.

I hold myself together just long enough for them to leave and then sob unashamedly into the silence, my tears falling in rivers down my cheeks, my shoulders shaking. I take a deep breath and my chest shudders with the effort. The pain in my heart is overwhelming. I feel like I've lost him and the realisation of that is almost unbearable. I've never felt so alone…so isolated….so unloved. The dark thoughts remain with me for the rest of the night.