Matt Thompson
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Episode 467 "The One Where Rachel Dates a Porn Star"
Location: The Subway
The subway, en route to a concert together, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are stuck as the train grinds to a halt and the lights flicker abruptly. Nothing can be seen, only voices are heard. They are all in the camera's view.
CHANDLER:
Maybe they're just letting us know there's a police officer ahead.
PHOEBE:
Or maybe we had to stop to let a train full of zoo animals pass. They'd have priority I bet.
The lights flicker again and stay off causing complete darkness.
JOEY:
I can't see anything!
MONICA:
If we just relax for a second...we'll be moving again in no time.
RACHEL:
Is that what Chandler tells you?
CHANDLER:
I'm still right here; despite not being visible.
PHOEBE:
You're not visible? You should see a doctor about that.
ROSS:
I agree with Monica. I think everyone should just calm down.
CHANDLER:
Of course you agree with Monica, you're probably clinging to her for dear life right now.
ROSS:
Old habits die hard...they told us in school to grab hold of something sturdy...she used to be pretty sturdy.
Ross's girly scream can be heard in tandem with a crashing noise.
MONICA:
That floor sturdy enough for you?
JOEY:
...How you doin?
RACHEL:
Joey that's me...you can take your hand off my butt now.
PHOEBE:
Your other one can stay.
The lights come back on but the train remains motionless. There is a man they don't know sitting in between Chandler and Joey. Camera closes in on the men.
CHANDLER:
Hi there...friend.
The man looks up as if surprised and nods. He says nothing and looks back down. It looks like he's reading something between his legs.
JOEY:
I know that look. Are you reading lines for a part?
Camera pans to Rachel and Monica, standing nearby and holding onto a safety pole. Phoebe is within earshot of both conversations.
RACHEL:
Aside to Monica.
I think I went on a date with that guy a few months ago.
MONICA:
Are you sure? I don't have your dating chart with me.
RACHEL:
What chart?...
Gasps.
Monica, do you chart my dates? I thought you'd worked through this. You promised you would quit charting.
MONICA:
It's just every once in a while...when I've had a tough week.
RACHEL:
Were you having a tough week last Friday?
MONICA:
Maybe...
Camera focuses back on Chandler and Joey, with the strange man sitting in between them. Ross stands nearby.
CHANDLER:
You're really not gonna tell us what you're doin? Just gonna sit down between us...bein all conspicuous, and...nothin! Not even for say...
Rummages through his pocket and brings out his hand and counts coins.
A dollar and seventy six cents?
JOEY:
What if I do some acting for you eh? Maybe a little Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days of Our Lives?
The man still doesn't look up. He looks down impassively between his legs.
ROSS:
You guys, I think maybe I can help.
JOEY:
Ross...you're not gonna try and marry him are you?
CHANDLER:
No he's going to offer him some very outdated advice...even carbon dated you might say...
Joey and Ross both scrunch their faces at Chandler.
CHANDLER:
You win some you lose some.
ROSS:
What I was going to say was...you guys are approaching this all wrong. He's clearly trying to solve a complex mathematical equation...and neither of you could possibly be of assistance...
To the man:
Excuse me sir...I was wondering if you need-
The man looks up at Ross, stands up, and walks to a different seat. He drops a piece of paper, Phoebe picks it up.
JOEY:
You were right Ross. You could help. You made him go away. I don't know how we didn't remember you're so good at that.
Joey stretches out over the seat where the man had been sitting.
When you think Ross, all you think is...divorce guy...you've got so many more talents too.
Cameras pans to Phoebe who is reading the piece of paper.
PHOEBE:
Oh my god!
The subway gets very quiet and everyone looks at her.
PHOEBE:
Quietly:
Oh my god. You guys...this is a porn script.
MONICA:
He's definitely not on my chart.
RACHEL: Let me see that.
Phoebe hands the piece of paper to Rachel just as the train lurches suddenly forward. The man who dropped the script is thrown backwards and falls directly into Rachel. They fall to the floor. The man props himself up by his arms and looks down at Rachel who looks flustered. The camera zooms in close on them.
MAN:
Oh hey Rachel.
The overhead speakers crackle and an announcement is made.
Attention passengers: we apologize for the inconvenience. We had to stop to let a train carrying some new animals for the zoo pass by. That is all.
Fade to black.