Illusion
By GeoGirl
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters are owned by ABC and Bad Robot and whomever else, but not me. I'm just playing in their playground a bit and will go home either by dark or when Mom calls.
It was all an illusion, to begin with, I think.
For my Country, to rid the world of evil, I was told. Pretty lies. The propaganda was thick, full and heady to someone so young. Although at the time I didn't think of myself as young. I knew the world. I faced it everyday.
They told me of the glamour and the prestige it would bring my family and me. They paid well too. It was the only prospect that even wetted my appetite, what else was I to do with my life? Any other choice was dull, boring, and lifeless. So I signed up, sold my soul to the Devil. How absolutely naive I was.
What They forgot to tell me is how the edges of my life would become so sharp and yet so dull at the same time. The pain and the lies rolled over everything else. Happiness and serenity were killed. Love was used, manipulated. Trying to live day to day became so hard, so jagged.
Fatalistic, yes, that would describe me. Every mission was wrought with the possibility for failure. I began to remove failure from my thought patterns. If I didn't accept it, then it could not happen. Yet at all times, I thought that each new mission would bring my death. Death in degrees, death of small parts of me until all that was left is a functioning corpse.
Then my mission brought me to you and the sun shone again. I thought that happiness and love could be possible. I wasn't faking. I wasn't. I couldn't. Your touch made my blood sing.
Then the Devil was back and even more ferocious than ever. Waving my soul in front like a red flag. I had no choice you know. They threatened all I held dear. They also convinced me that these were dangerous people. I had to do this. I had no choice. I had no choice. Who thought that County could triumph over humanity?
Now They are telling me I have to leave. To abandon you, I know how deeply this would wound you. Leave my daughter, my heart. That little piece of my soul I got back from the Devil. I am to die in a car accident. I wonder if I really will be killed. They would not hesitate to do that, I know. It would make things so much easier to Them. Less loose ends to tie up, less illusion to maintain.
It will happen soon I'm told. I'm trying to act normal around you and Sydney. Not to cling to you both and give everything away. I do not want to let you go. To let my life go. It is a good life, if you forget the killing. I am happy here and I will miss you both. My heart is breaking each time I touch you or see my child smile. I watch you both sleep at night. So peaceful. How can I leave this!
My Country needs me again, They remind me. Have They even thought of what I may need? NYET! I am reminded again and again that I chose this life and that my family and friends would suffer if I even considered backing out. So I am to die. My heart already has. What is it that my body should join it?
Maybe someday you will know that it was not all a lie, an illusion. I have to believe that. It makes dying easier.