Caution: The waffle machine came out and went on a ramble.

Rosie's POV

The truth is, I was too ashamed to tell Dad. Or anyone for that matter. I was and still am ashamed in myself that it had ended. It also hurts too much to admit it, to remind myself.

Max and I had always had a rocky relationship, we knew it and so did most other people. Right from the beginning it was a love/hate kind of thing but we knew we had feelings for each other. The amount of arguments we had in our first year of being together probably was above average for most couples, but we seemed to brush past it. One minute we disagreed on something, the next minute we were in love again, as if nothing else mattered. People could tell too, Dad always asked 'how we were' and I just said fine, because it was. It was fine.

I think we lasted those 5 years in total because neither of us felt the arguing was a problem, as I said, it would all brush over soon enough. When Max asked me to marry him I'd never felt so happy in all my life. It came as a shock of course, we were still young and hadn't really been seeing each other for that long compared to other people, but it felt right. This was the man I fell in love with, who I couldn't prise myself away from, why wouldn't I marry him?

Maybe I should've known earlier on? Maybe someone was trying to tell me something. Max saw me in my wedding dress and even though he said he didn't believe in superstition, he was probably wrong. The bush fire, the arguing, the baby.

I'd say we were probably at our happiest when we did get married. We'd grown up by then, a lot. When Sarah died I felt I had to step up a gear both for Dad and for Evan and Olivia. We matured; we did things that adult couples do, not teenage ones. I remember the day we went to Jo'burg and set up a joint bank account. Max couldn't quite understand why I was so excited about it, he was in it for all the financial serious stuff and just kept telling me I couldn't spend all of his money. I laughed it off; it just felt like everything was falling into place.

Then we found out I was pregnant. Though it was unexpected and at first I was a little unsure, Max was in his element. I knew that it would be ok, and since I'd turned down my uni offer it seemed that everything was happening for a reason. We were happy, more than happy, everything was perfect. We moved into the old surgery and it felt as if this place of our own meant we were settled.

We got married (eventually). That was it, the rest of our lives set in stone. Until the following day, when we lost the baby. Again, were we tempting fate? I didn't know. I can't blame our unborn child for what followed, but it didn't do us much good.

Thank god we were in the situation where we had to be forced to talk to one another otherwise everyone would question it. Maybe that's why what's now happened has happened. No one was pushing us to sort things out, once again we accepted defeat.

Once we did sort it out we were happy again, we realised what each other had been through and what we had was special. I think we began to appreciate each other a lot more which was why when we moved to Cape Town, as scary as it was, we were ok.

Max could tell how anxious I was but he looked after me. He always did. He helped me, he reassured me, he knew what I was thinking and somehow managed to sort me out. Though the first year back was tough, it was fun. It was great being in a new place, having our own lives feeling independent again and grown up.

Then things started to go wrong again. The first year of uni hadn't been too tough on me seeing as I learnt a lot already from Dad. Max just picked up from where his father had left off on one of his bars, it was a bit of a breeze for him, but I knew he wasn't happy. He wanted his own project, his own business, have a challenge again. Max bought his own bar/club type place and loved getting stuck back into working hard; however I seemed to start spending more time in university or on placement and Max still continued to run his father's bar as well.

It was hectic, stressful. There were problems in the bars; I struggled with all the academic writing and things I had to. It wasn't healthy, we weren't happy. We went on a few days holiday further round the coast, it was nice to physically get away from everything but mentally we were still thinking about everything at home.

The arguing and bickering flagged up again, we barely saw each other. Max worked late into the night when I was home and when he was home I'd be in lectures and things. We seemed to lose time for each other, and though it kills me to say it, the care. It was like we were falling out of love with each other. Max suggested we go back to Leopards Den to see every one, so we booked the flights and were ready to go, until there was another problem at the bar and Max was forced to stay behind. I had a go at him; I went too far I know I did. I hated myself for it, still do. Probably was one of the worst arguments we'd had, then I had to go back to Leopards Den – on my own – and pretend everything was fine.

Things went from bad to worse, we tried to talk about things, but it only escalated into more misunderstandings and barriers. Months, it went on for, months.

And then it happened. I had a feeling it was coming but I never wanted to admit it. I'd lost the will to try and sort it out, I guess we both just let it all fall apart in front of our own eyes.

It was a late Saturday afternoon. I (for once) didn't have much on at the time, nor did Max really. He'd just come back from a run and I was sat watching TV. The days when he used to come in and try and give me a sweaty kiss and hug just to wind me up were long gone. Instead he disappeared off to have a shower, muttering something about the oven on his way. Not that I took much notice.

He came back, had a go at me about the state of kitchen and how I 'hadn't put the oven on'. I yelled at him about god knows what and that was it.

"Fucks sake Rosie, don't you care about anything anymore?" He'd said

I didn't know how to respond. I shrugged I guess.

"Right, well if that's how it is" He muttered

"Yeah well Max. Clearly this isn't going to get any better" I'd said

"Clearly. What are you trying to say?" He spat

"Just..." I began

"Just what Rosie? That it's over" Max had yelled

"Yeah" I had to agree "it is. You don't care for me anymore"

"Well clearly you don't for me either."

"Glad we're on the same level" I tried "we both know where this is heading"

"That's it then. I'll speak to the solicitor"

And that was it. Then it was over.

I didn't tell anyone about it. If I could've gone back home, to Leopards Den, I would've done. But for one I couldn't face anyone else and two, they were all up in arms having been evicted anyway.

We had to stay living in the same flat, there was nowhere else for us to go. Max didn't say anything to his parents, our friends knew, they'd always known things weren't great. So we crashed at other peoples places from time to time. Rarely saw each other, and to be honest it was probably for the best. It was too painful to see the man I had once fallen in love with, married and had so much history with and now I couldn't help but feel nothing towards.

Forms and letters were shoved under my nose, I just signed them and let Max deal with it. I didn't want anything of his. He'd supported me so much financially since we'd been married (all of which I was eternally thankful for), I couldn't face his reaction if I asked for anything more.

I had to stay in Cape Town, I had one more year of university to do before I could leave. I looked into transferring to Johannesburg but it was too complicated. The whole situation didn't help me get on with things uni wise, I failed my pathology exam, even started to lose interest in parts of the course.

Then Caroline phoned.

The taxi journey from the airport to Leopards Den was strange. It reminded me of when I quit uni in Bristol and returned home, that journey, when I didn't know what life would hold for me at the other end. It was similar. Only the end of that journey was very different to the end of this one. Maybe it was closure. I wouldn't walk into the bar and meet Max for the very first time. I'd go home and accept that, albeit unfortunate, he was now history.

I didn't know how or even when I'd break to everyone. Instead I forced myself to push my ring back onto my finger and great the family as if there wasn't a problem in the world.

Luckily things were busy so I didn't have to think much about what was going on. It just killed me that I was lying to Dad. Since I've been back I've often had a go at him for keeping things from me. Lies about Peeters, even the smaller lies that I was kept from just for my own good I had a go at him for.

Every time though I knew I was just contradicting myself. There I was saying how close we were, how we were a team, we shouldn't keep things from each other and I was hiding the biggest secret of my life.

I wanted to tell him but I couldn't. I didn't want him to know that after all the faith he's had in me that I was fast becoming a failure. My marriage was over. I was ashamed, I knew both of us could've helped rescue it earlier on but we didn't. My life had changed so much since I'd left Leopards Den 3 years ago, I used to think for the better but now it was like I'd gone back 7 years.

People mentioned Max, and us, as a couple. I just had to nod along and smile, pretend it was fine. I was always good at drama a school, so I tried my best to a front on. I helped them unpack they're things and put everything back in Leopards Den how it used to be. The box of photo's came out and it killed me to put these 'happy family' images on display. Caroline put the one of me and Max on our wedding day in my room without me knowing. A gesture of kindness it was supposed to be, but it hurt me. I had to hide the image; I couldn't be reminded of the happiness and love we once shared here.

I had to pretend I'd spoken to Max on the phone as well. When I got attacked by the cheetah, I was so thankful none of them had suggested calling him the night they were looking for me. Instead I quickly mentioned when we got back, I said I'd ring him myself. At least it would stop anyone else doing so.

As time wore on it got easier, I found it easier to forget about Max and no one seemed to notice. I wore my ring on the odd occasion but it was easier to pull the 'can't wear it when you're working' excuse which everyone seemed to accept.

When Robert was born I found it hard. Memories of the miscarriage and what we once had together came flooding back, we'd said back then that we would wait til I'd finished my degree before having children. It's hard because now I know that it won't happen. Max would be a great Dad I know he would, all I've ever wanted is to have a strong and happy family unlike what I had to deal with at times of growing up, but that won't happen. Not now.

I knew one day I'd have to spill the beans, if Alice had been there I know she would have got it out of me sooner. She's good like that, she knows what people are thinking, she can tell when something's wrong. I admire what her and Dad have more than ever now. Perhaps it's jealousy.

I didn't mean for it to come out when it did, of all people I'd never planned for Ed to be the first person I told! I guess it was the heat of the moment, the fact that he had told me what he was going through, I couldn't sit and pretend I didn't understand. Because I did. Everything he said made sense to me, we were both suffering.

Everyone else would have to find out; I didn't want to face Dad. I was so sure he'd be ashamed of me. I wasn't sure if he'd be surprised or not, other people may have sussed it out but Dads not like that. In a way he's rather oblivious to everything else bless him! I didn't think he would've seen it coming. Well to be honest, nor did I.