Hello everyone. I want to apologise for how long I am taking with updates at the moment. I have been suffering with depression and it has affected me quite a bit. Don't worry though, I am working on Chapter 46 of the Order Redeems at the moment, but I've had a silly idea and I've decided to take a brief break from the chapter to write it. The inspiration for this was certain aspects of Red Dwarf. Anyone who has seen Red Dwarf will know the aspect I'm talking about. This won't be very long and I hope you find this funny.
Execute Order Er…
Yes, that fool, Skywalker, was finally his. At last he had convinced the young idiot to give in to his calling and join the Dark Side and Sidiuos gave an evil cackle of glee. Everything was now in place. Sidiuos had his new young and powerful apprentice and he had the Jedi Order right where he wanted them.
He had just defeated the four council masters that those fools believed could defeat him and that had concluded by electrocuting Mace Windu and throwing the idiot out of the window. Sidious was even more pleased to get rid of him than the rest. Even for a Jedi, Sidious had always found Windu to be annoying and up himself. Well now, the joke was on him; big time.
All of his schemes over the last thirteen years had come this moment; this moment of revenge, where the Sith could finally rise up and claim their rightful place as the rulers, where the injustices and weaknesses of the light could finally be washed away. It was the moment when his glorious new Empire would rise out of the ashes of the silly and weak Republic and the weakness of democracy would be a distant memory. Oh how glorious it was going to be.
Now came the moment; the moment when the Jedi would pay for their lack of vision. With the newly named Darth Vader bowed behind him, Sidious turned to the holo system that was built unto his office. He had had it secretly installed especially for this very purpose and it linked directly to every clone commander in the Grand Army of The Republic. Yes, the time and nigh and Commander Bly was the first on the list; oh Master Secura wasn't going to like this very much.
Sidious cackled to himself whilst he waited the few seconds for the call to connect. Before long, a small hologram of Clone Commander Bly appeared.
"Sir!" Bly exclaimed. He stood in full attention, and waited.
"The time has come, Commander," Sidious started in an evil voice. "Execute Order Er…" At that moment, Sidious' mind went blank. No, his master plan would not fail due to a simple failing of his memory. Memory problems were a side effect of aging, but he was the dark lord of the Sith; he would not tolerate a failed memory. He thought for a few seconds; Ah, got it. "Execute Order Seventy One!"
A bright smile went across Bly's face. "The men will be delighted, Excellency, but do we have enough female Twi'leks for everyone? I suppose we do have General Secura. We might be able to convince her to help us. I suppose we could use Zeltron girls as well. I don't think the men will mind."
"What are you on about Commander?" Sidious asked with anger. This was not how he expected the clone to respond.
"Executive Order Seventy One, Sir: From now on, all clone companies in the Grand Army will be accompanied by Twi'lek dancing girls. As I said, sir, the men will be delighted; Twi'lek girls are beautiful. It will really help with moral."
"What?" Sidious blasted. In his mind, he pictured finding the idiot who had designed the orders in the chip which the clones had, and torturing the incompetent fool with Sith Lightening. "That is not what I wanted, at all."
"No Twi'leks, Sir?" Bly enquired, downhearted. "The men have really earned them."
"Yes, I suppose that's true, Commander. Alright, they can have their Twi'lek girls, but they will have to earn them." Sidious ignored the happy grin on Bly's face and went into thought again, as he desperately ignored Vader laughing behind him. He had to get the correct order; the Jedi must meet their end. The worse thing was, he couldn't ask the clone; that wasn't how the chips worked. Sidious racked his memory. His main problem was that there were one hundred and fifty orders and only one would give him what he wanted. Eventually, another number came to the desperate Sith Lord. "Execute Order Fifty Three!"
"Order Fifty Three, Sir? Really?" Bly responded with a puzzled expression. "I can appreciate the need to conserve resources, but is that really important?"
"What are you blithering on about now, Commander? And it had better be good." Sidious could feel his patience start to slip. He had waited for his moment of triumph for thirteen years, but this clone was really starting to test him. He was severely tempted to choke him right here, right now.
"Executive Order Fifty Three: From now on, all clone commanders are only to be allocated one speeder." Bly paused for a second, gave a deep breath and added, "Is that really relevant, sir? I mean, here we are fighting a galactic war with the Separatists which could determine the future of the Republic, and you're worried about Commander Cody having two speeders."
Sidious' patience snapped. The fact that it wasn't really Bly's fault didn't bother Sidious at all. He was seriously going to end this clone very soon. "I AM NOT BOTHERED ABOUT SPEEDERS." Sidious' breath caught and he gave himself a moment to try to calm down. Despite everything, he had to get the correct order; his years of work and planning depended on it. One last number came to his mind and he hoped that this one would be the one. "Execute Order Thirty Three."
A smirk glinted across Bly's face. "Yes Sir. It will be done."
At last he had the right one and relief swept through Sidious. "It had better be Commander, or you'll be next." Sidious ignored the slightly puzzled expression on Bly and ended the connection. It was time to spread his order. The Jedi must die.
-0-0-0-0-0-
Jedi Master, Aayla Secura was not having a good day on Felucia. She was expecting a major Separatist offensive any moment and the intelligence had suggested quite an onslaught of droids. As she was walking through the Felucian flora, she glanced upwards and a bird flew overhead. The Twi'lek smiled at the birds beauty; a rare moment of peace in this hectic war.
All of a sudden, her thoughts were interrupted by Bly screaming behind her. "Brothers, the Chancellor has called for Order Thirty Three. I decree, that the last one in the pool has to give Jabba the Hutt a sponge bath."
A huge cheer went up from every clone as they dropped their blasters and ran away; every one of them boasting over how many intoxicating beverages they were going to consume. Aayla stood wide eyed for a second before she ran to catch up with Commander Bly. "Bly, what is going on here?"
"The Chancellor has called for Order Thirty Three," he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the galaxy.
Aayla blinked her eyes. What in the name of the Force was Order Thirty Three? "What?" she asked, "What is that?"
"Executive Order Thirty Three: Every clone trooper is to be immediately relieved from duty and given paid leave in the bars of Corellia." Bly grinned. "Got to love those Corellians; they know how to party," he added before he ran into the nearest gunship.
Aayla stood wide eyed and dumfounded; time to call the temple.
Now you all know why the Jedi were never wiped out.
The End.
There you go, I hope you all like it. I will continue on with The Order Redeems chapter now, but it will take a while since I have a bit of a block on it at the moment, but I will do it. Oh, by the way, did you get the Red Dwarf link?