I can't, not anymore; I can't stand this empty feeling. I can't stand seeing him with another. I can't smile around them any longer. It physically hurts to smile at the sight. God, he's so beautiful. I mean in a manly sense. Sure he's short, but the man is strong, both mentally and physically. It's so attractive. The way he can kick you with just words, how he can stab you with only his eyes. At the same time, his hands so warm could hold you with such compassion. His smile whenever it shows can light up a room. He can be so warm, yet so cold. Maybe that's what attracts me to him. Maybe that's why I find myself lying awake at night.
But he's with another. A tall blond, I can't blame him on that choice. Erwin is tall, blond, strong-oh and not to mention he's not a monster. Heh-I guess it really wouldn't work. Maybe I should just look elsewhere. Or maybe I should just give up.
"Oi- Jaeger, come here for a second" Levi beckoned the boy with a finger. He sat at a chair, his right leg on top of his left as he looked Eren straight in the eyes. Levi's words could be quite scary if he held the right tone, even then, just one change in his eyes and you could be paralyzed with fear. But for whatever reason his eyes held no sign of anger as they usually did when addressing Eren.
"You wish to speak to me sir?" Eren asked as soon as he reached the short man, made even shorter by his sitting position. He had to tilt his head upwards to look Eren straight in the eye, before letting out a noise of disgust.
"Sit on the floor Eren; I shouldn't have to look up to you." Levi ordered pointing at the floor in front of him; Eren would have laughed had it not been for the tension he felt in the room. He felt like he was going to be punished, but Eren had no idea what for. He had been pretty good these past weeks, and saw no need for a punishment or a lecture.
"Tell me Eren, what are your feelings for me? Honestly." Levi questioned, his eyes not daring to break contact as he did so. But the question caught Eren off guard and he ended up looking at his lap as he started to think.
"Well sure, I-Honestly I like you, more than anyone else. But I understand you're in a relationship with the commander and I fully respect-"
"Eren, I'm not in a relationship with the commander, nor with anyone else." Levi cut him off, his eyes now closed with what seemed to be annoyance.
"Look Eren, in all honesty I'm not looking for a relationship with anyone. Do you see the situation we're in? Our friends are dying around us. If I made a special relationship with someone and they were in danger, what would happen if I went out of my way to protect them? What if both of us died and in the process caused the downfall of a whole mission? Maybe if things were different. Maybe I'd consider your feelings, or anyone else's. But as of right now a relationship between two soldiers is a death sentence, especially considering our jobs." Levi added, finally standing up from his chair and moving to a window, suddenly finding interest in the framework. His eyes seemed to follow something outside though as his fingers traced the window.
"What would you do Eren? If your partner was about to be eaten, and it was between them and the mission. Would you have the heart to leave them to die in order to carry out a mission? Would you be able to hold yourself together when and if they died?" I know I couldn't. Levi continued, paying less and less attention to the boy who approached him from behind.
"Levi, did you lose someone?" Eren simply asked, noticing how the man tried his best not to face him. Eren wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him, so tell him it would all be alright.
But would that be a lie?
"No Eren, I didn't lose someone." Levi lied, turning from the window to look up at him.
Please don't share their fate. I don't care what I have to do, please don't let Eren, or Erwin share the same fate my own squad did. I simply don't know if I could handle losing another piece of myself.