Greetings. I am the No-Name Narrator. I would have chosen Nameless Narrator, but it was unavailable. Hopefully the name isn't too bad.
A few points before we begin (*snore*):
1. This is my first fanfiction. Take from that what you will.
2. I do not own Ratchet and Clank and will not make any money off of this.
3. This story is rated T. Expect the following:
Violence, some strong. I will avoid blood/gore.
Mild language. I'll try to keep this as close to zero as possible.
Some Crude Humor. This is a Ratchet and Clank fanfic, after all.
Viewer Discretion is Advised.
Rather Strange
In space...
Ratchet and Clank were sent to the IRIS supercomputer on the order of… a small error. A very small error. So small they didn't even understand it. The error was never communicated well with them before they started traveling.
They were cruising in their marginally inferior Starship Aphelion. Sure, it had a decent engine. A decent weapon system. A unique personality. But the shields were terrible. They could be depleted in less that ten skillfully placed shots, and could not recharge. The only thing that really has kept them alive through these space trips was their 'mad skills' they had since their second adventure. Maybe their first, but that's debatable.
"Ratchet, the only thing that I made sense of in that conversation was 'communication error'. That description is very broad. Do you have any idea what kind of communication error that was?" Clank said, still a bit puzzled.
"Probably sentence fluency." Ratchet responded, out of character, and trying an attempt at humor. He, of course, had no better idea what those robots were saying. It was all gibberish or completely random.
"I meant on IRIS" Clank retorted.
"I-"
"Incoming call from Captain Quark." Aphelion interrupted.
Ratchet hesitantly pressed the light green button on the steering mechanism, accepting the call.
"Heeeey. How is everyone's favorite killer kitty today?" Captain Quark said in both a clever and goofy manner. Ratchet and Clank remained silent for the moment, simply looking at each other.
"Quark, will you stop calling me those kinds of names? I told you before, only call me Ratchet, sir, or handsome."
"And charming, right?"
"And that."
"And Mister Fantastic…"
"Quark…" Quark was starting to push his limits, as his voice turned to slight annoyance.
"And Lllllady Magnet!" Quark pushed on, returning to his clever and goofy voice. He got this from the Hottest Topics in Polaris magazine, naming Ratchet number three in the most charming would-be husbands.
"Quark!" Ratchet yelled.
"Sorry Ratchet. I just haven't heard your voice in so long. It's just so lonely around here."
"Quark, it's been a day and a half." Ratchet replied. "Why are you even calling me?"
"Big news, Ratchet." Quark's positivity spiked.
"What now?" Ratchet was, as always, not looking forward to the "big news", as described by Captain Quark.
"I finally beat Helga in a boxing match!" Quark exclaimed, actually thinking he did something impressive.
"…Finally?" Ratchet questioned after a brief pause. He thought that Quark would have already beaten her at least a hundred times by now.
"Yep. And now that my two stallions are in better than perfect shape, I shall slay every enemy that stands in my way, alone, without the help of two measly sidekicks. I will regain my spot as hero of the century!"
"Good luck with that Quark." Ratchet was not offended. He couldn't have taken him seriously the first time they met.
"Approaching Kreeli Comet." stated Aphelion.
"Alright Quark, switching to personal communications."
"Quark on standby."
A couple minutes (and a few button presses) later...
"Quark, are you on?"
"Whew. It's good to hear your voice again Ratchet. I was starting to get worried there for a second."
"Worried about what?" Ratchet skepticized as he started making way toward the many monitors up front. The path was cleared out since Tachyon's and the pirates' defeat. There were no more of those pesky ships hoarding the precious machinery.
"You know, Cragmite abductions, black holes consuming planets..."
"…And apparently giving me nightmares." Ratchet concluded. He wasn't actually afraid; he just wanted to stop him from going any further.
Ratchet and Clank were out of the cold, crusty climate and in IRIS. An automatic door was placed just before one would get to the screens. It was about time. None of this cold would have been any good for the electronics. They would have parked closer, but non-cargo carrying transportation devices are banned from getting closer than 250 yards from any side (even an underground side) of the computer.
"Say, what are you two doing on this…place?"
"We're trying to find a bug."
"Ratchet?" Clank says after a moment, tapping Ratchet on the shoulder lightly.
"Yes Clank?"
"Do you remember what I told you about using that kind of language around Quark?"
Ratchet froze, realizing he made a big mistake. A really big mistake.
Rule number one: Always speak literally to Quark.
"Yeah, I remember." Ratchet said in a faint voice, knowing the calamities he caused before by using alternative language.
"Ratchet, I have the perfect solution to all your bug problems!" Quark announced with great enthusiasm. "I just have to find it…around here…somewhere…I'll be right back." Quark stated as he went off screen.
"Not what I meant..." Ratchet said, but it was too late.
Ratchet looked around. There was himself, Clank, the supercomputer, and no one else.
"I thought there were supposed to be maintenance bots here."
Ratchet intended a response from Clank, but the computer interrupted instead.
"Hello Ratchet. Maintenance bots have left thirty minutes ago." The voice was the usual. Highly digitized, very soft, and, at times, barely comprehensible.
"So they bailed, then. Typical." Ratchet was always unimpressed with helper robots (except Clank of course). However, Grummel-Net robots were downright awful. Those inconveniences were nowhere to be seen when needed.
Ratchet returned his thoughts to the problem at hand. "So, what's this error we have here?"
"There is one minor error. Error, unknown connection to IRIS."
Ratchet thought for a moment.
"I can bring up a list of current connections." IRIS informed.
"Sure."
A list of three connections appeared on the main screen. Only two pieces of information were shown; the type of connection and the planet the connection is from. Two of the connections were known, one from Igliak, one from Terachnos. The last connection had an unknown type and an unknown location.
"Clank, why do I get the feeling that this error has nothing to do with any hardware?"
Ratchet was much more of a hardware than software geek. If this was indeed a software issue, Ratchet would not be of much help.
"It appears a possibility. There is a 'learn connection' feature available. Perhaps we should use that."
"That might be a help. IRIS, learn the unknown connection."
"Learning initiated. Gathering information…Failed."
"Why would it fail so quickly?" Ratchet thinks for a moment. "Disconnect and reconnect."
"Disconnecting…Complete. Finding connection…Init-Connection established."
Ratchet, with a strange look on his face, said: "There should be more to the process than that."
"It skipped the security protocol." Clank remarked.
"How do you know that?"
"I am using near-field communication to scan the computer. It was starting a security check when it abruptly went to accepting the signal."
Ratchet turns his attention to IRIS once again. "IRIS, use the unknown connection to update security information."
"Updating security information. This may take fifteen minutes or more, depending on the source."
"Clank, can you scan the last time the inside was checked?"
"The motion sensors indicate two years ago."
"Two years?" Ratchet responded with a slightly light voice. His subtle disgust for the maintenance bots kicked in again. He can't complain too much, though. He's done that enough. Making his voice sterner, Ratchet spoke up.
"IRIS, permission to access the inside."
"Access granted."
They were both inside when Clank heard a voice saying, off in the distance, "Ah-ha! Found it!" Clank realized this was from the communication unit. He handed the device to Ratchet.
"Captain Quark has returned."
"Oh, great." Ratchet took the device.
"Whew. Finally found it. I have no idea how it ended up with the dessert toppings."
"Quark, what I meant by the bug is-"
"Now I know why the pie tasted strange. And why my tongue is numb." Quark interrupted.
"Quark, would you listen to me?"
"Ratchet, I introduce to you, the Bug Annihilator 10000! This baby is the most deadly insect killer ever made! It even says it on the can!"
Ratchet sighs. "And how do you know it works?"
"It's got the official seal of approval from the one and only." Quark holds up the can, showing a small picture of Quark with the phrase "It's Quarktastic!" near the bottom of the container.
"Riiiight." Ratchet remembers some of his other "Quarktastic" products.
"Still skeptical? Allow me to show you a demonstration" Quark said with confidence. It was perfect timing. A small fly landed on a table a short distance from him.
"Quark, I don't have time for a demonstration."
Quark proceeds to ignore Ratchet, while Ratchet starts focusing on the inside of IRIS.
They were located in perhaps the most fantastic spot in the techno-verse. Dozens of killer processors on one side, memory on another, and so much storage that Ratchet couldn't name the suffix of how much it held (it was 5.5... something).
"Now how does this thing work?" Quark says as he finds the directions on the side of the can.
"Clank, check over there for problems." Ratchet commanded, pointing to the side opposite of where he was, toward the memory.
"Hmmmm. Let's see. Step one, remove cap from can." Quark opens the cap, emitting a pop. That pop startles the fly and sends it moving around randomly.
"Shoo, fly" Quark says as he swings his massive arms, trying to punish the insect. After a few seconds, he gives up, allowing the fly to land on his nose.
"Stay still fly." Quark looks at the directions again. "Step two, point directly at the source."
Hearing this, Ratchet turns his head toward the communication unit. Captain Quark was pointing the bug spray at his face! Ratchet's eyes widened.
"Quark! Don't spray that stuff on your face!"
"Step three, hold down the sprayer for a half second on small insects, one and a half seconds for larger insects." Quark presses down on the sprayer.
"ssssssssssssss" The chemicals came out rather weakly, a combination between a mist and a stream. The spray hit the fly, making it curl up instantly and fall off of Quark's face.
"Got em. Told ya it would work."
Ratchet stood there, stunned. He always thought Quark had the slightest form of intelligence, but every meeting brought that thought farther from existence.
"Why are you staring at me?"
There was a few seconds of motionless calm.
"My eyes!" Quark starts his own panic. Quark, not (ever) used to panic, covers his eyes with his hands and runs in small circles.
Hearing Quark's distress across the room, Clank questioned, "Ratchet, what is going on?"
"Quark sprayed bug spray in his face."
Clank face-palmed. He walked back over to Ratchet, seeing if he could be of any assistance. Of course, speaking intelligence to an unintelligent being is quite a difficult task.
"Ratchet! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!" Quark yelled, hyperventilating.
"Quark, try flushing your face with water." Ratchet's idea simply came from the fact that this is labeled on most pest control cans. Quark, desperate for a solution, leaves the view of the screen briefly.
Clank was now next to his partner, both near the back of the room, away from where the monitors were mounted. He was going to address the situation with Quark, until he saw a broken wire near the ceiling.
"Ratchet, there is a broken wire over here."
Ratchet oriented himself to where Clank is pointing.
"Good catch." Ratchet was actually not paying much attention to his surroundings, as he was occupied by a "hero" in distress. Hearing a troubling amount of coughing, he turned back to see the captain drenched in water.
"Ratchet!" Quark was in quite a serious coughing fit. "That didn't help my breathing!"
"No Quark. I meant... ugh." Quark had no hope of getting anything right. Ratchet had no hope of being a real help to him.
"Clank, I give up. You're in charge."Ratchet gave the device to the unsuspecting robot.
"No. You're the one who started it." Clank pushed the communication unit away. He was merely going to help, not take over.
Captain Quark, in a frenzy, to find a cure, left the view of Ratchet. The latter felt a wave of relief travel through him. He didn't have to deal with that numbskull for now. He could actually get something done.
The Lombax was staring at the severed part of the circuit. Nothing special. Just a complete tear. What caused it? Not a great chance that would be known.
"Hey Clank, could you give me a lift?"
Being an experienced backpack, Clank jumped onto Ratchet's back perfectly. He adjusted a little; he had not used his thrusters for a while. The small robot engaged his thrusters and…
"Wwoooooaaaaahhhhh!"
They veered sharply to the left, charging straight above the walkway the two of them just had strolled. As fast as the duo went left, they went down. Clank cut the power of his feet.
"Oof" Ratchet exclaimed after landing quite hard on the not-unlike-concrete bottom.
"Are you alright Ratchet?"
"I'm fine." Ratchet responded, wiping the nonexistent dirt off of his left side. "What did you do to your thrusters?"
"Nothing." Clank sat up, checking his right foot, while Ratchet headed toward the split wire. There was another, almost effortless, way to get up there.
Ratchet jumped on one of the power supplies, rectangular in shape, and larger than him, then towards the pull-up bar sized pipe, hanging from it. The break on the wire was almost perfectly positioned; Ratchet only had to extend his reach slightly. Reaching for his pouch on his side, he pulled out a micro melter (somewhat similar to a soldering iron) and a micro softener (a weaker version of the micro melter for plastic). It was all delicate handwork from there.
After Clank finished checking his foot, he walked directly behind, and below Ratchet, taking note of the one-handed repair.
"Interesting. You're surprisingly able with one hand."
"Haven't noticed?" Ratchet had done repairs single-handedly before, just not often.
After completing the repair, Ratchet dropped down and took a couple of steps back. He stared at his accomplishment for a few moments.
"Hmmm, nothing." IRIS was designed to acknowledge any fixes to its structure, but it seemed there was no fix to detect.
"Perhaps it wasn't a critical break." Clank said with a slightly disappointed tone.
"The only thing I can think of now is resetting the communication devices. If that doesn't work, we'll just get a specialized person to investigate."
They navigated towards the wireless control room, entering a completely different section of the computer. It got quieter, darker, and cooler. Not an ounce of excitement. Of course, this was the perfect time for Captain Quark to re-enter the scene.
"Ratchet." Ratchet jumped the slightest bit, not expecting Quark to return quite this soon.
"I don't like it. It's too dark, too quiet."
"Kind of what happens when your in an empty area with no people around."
"It's… just.. that..."
"Afraid of the dark?"
"No! Not at all!"
"Whoa! What's that?" Ratchet suddenly moved the communication unit so Quark could view Clank's face. Unfortunately, the area they were in was dim enough where the only object visible was Clank's moderately glowing eyes.
"Ahhhhh!" Quark screamed. "Killer robot! Killer Robot! Ratchet! Run!"
"Quark, it's just me." Clank stated, looking slightly annoyed (at Ratchet of course).
"Oh, whew. I just thought you were a...Hey! That wasn't very nice!"
Ratchet could be heard chuckling the whole time. Clank gave him a stern nudge on his shoulder.
"Hey, it was a joke."
"Quark!" Helga could be heard yelling at Captain Quark. "Your fifteen minutes late! Get off your lazy butt and do the back breaker workout! Don't make me use the Walloper!"
"Sorry guys, have to go. This is going to be torture." Quark shuddered as he made his goodbye.
Perfect timing. They arrived at the communication control room. It was a small room; only a hundred Lombaxes could pack themselves inside, without standing on each other, if it were empty. Ratchet searched briefly over all the small buttons on lengthy columns and blinking lights covering all four walls, and the desk on the door side.
"Clank, which button turns the communications off?"
"Hold on..." Clank was using the near-field communication again. Apparently, this near-field includes all of IRIS.
"There should be a large lever switch in here."
"I was expecting a big shiny red button."
Ratchet walked to what was the only lever in the room. Noticing the notification buttons, he pressed the button marked 'Restarting Communications'.
"Restarting communications. Expected downtime two minutes." IRIS informed.
Ratchet pulled the lever, shutting off communications for no more than a few seconds, before pushing it back. After ten seconds of start-up, the typical 'communication restored' statement was announced. They waited a minute afterward.
"Clank, check too see if..."
"Error, unknown connection to IRIS. Slight security risk."
"...Never mind."
"Error, power intake to backup battery Z unusable. Battery no longer charging. All other power systems functional."
"Look at what you did, Ratchet." Clank joked lightly.
Ratchet was in a state of confusion. He quick-checked the control panel to make sure he didn't do anything strange. Surely enough, nothing he did had anything to do with batteries.
"How did that happen?" Ratchet was mildly shocked. This was either a perfectly timed error, or a very serious problem with the computer. No matter what, the first action was to check out the battery.
They left the control room, walking again in the long, dimly lit hallway. After only traveling a small distance, there was a whisper that emitted somewhat behind and to the right of them. Ratchet just continued on while Clank wasn't paying attention.
"Ratchet! Don't you dare walk away from me!" a familiar voice scolded.
Ratchet instantly turned around. That voice could only be Talwyn's. Her semi-transparent hologram was still very near the Lombax, even though Ratchet "walked away" from her.
"Whoa! Sorry Talwyn!" Ratchet exclaimed, also surprised to see her at this time.
"Wait a second. Why didn't it announce your name?" Ratchet said to Talwyn, questioning the holo-com unit.
"You turned the notification off." Clank replied.
"Ratchet, why are you at Kreeli Comet?" Talwyn said this plainly, but inside she had a little worry. Ratchet was supposed to be on vacation, and to be at IRIS at this time caused a bit anxiety.
"Just fixing a minor problem."
"How minor?" She knows Ratchet tends to understate problems like these quite a bit.
"No power to a battery."
There was nothing for about three seconds.
"Still on your vacation?" Ratchet spoke up. Coincidentally, they both planned the same time for a vacation (though they didn't plan together).
"No, had to meet with officials. Someone caught a thug killing Zoni. We have him in captivity and we're trying to get more information."
Clank became more infuriated than Ratchet. Talwyn could clearly see the expression in his eyes.
"How many have been killed?" Clank said with a vexed tone.
"Don't know, but a witness saw him kill two. Perhaps I should have said that he was Thugs4Less."
"Are there any connections to other Zoni killings?" Ratchet wanted to get all of the information, even though he knew he wasn't going to get an answer.
"We still need more information." Talwyn repeated. "I'll get back to you when we get some."
A short while later, they were in the power/energy storage section of the computer. It was still dark, still relatively empty, but quite a bit warmer. All they could see was different kinds of large batteries. There were cell batteries, capacitor batteries, and a great amount of other obsolete technology.
The battery that they wanted to see was under a big, metal lid in the floor. All four of the bolts securing the lid were just a little bit small, but could still be turned by Ratchet's wrench. After taking out the seventy pound circular blockade and setting it aside, Ratchet climbed down the mounted ladder seated vertically, away from the battery. It had some wear from sitting there for many years, but was still more than sturdy. This lead into a short, narrow hallway. On the other side: the glowing battery. Clank helicoptered down and dropped the final two feet.
Ratchet, with Clank now beside him, walked closer to perhaps the most hypnotizing piece of the computer (other than those awesome sister-boards). Clank noticed something, and it wasn't good.
"Ratchet, that battery stores Zoni energy."
Ratchet paused briefly.
"How many innocent Zoni did they have to trap to get this thing working?" Ratchet could only remember trapping forty Zoni. There had to be thousands in there.
"No Ratchet, some component of the computer picks up some of their secondary energy to store."
"Secondary?" Ratchet was not the best at recognizing the properties of Zoni.
"It is a basic energy that radiates away from them. The energy is used for new appliances. All you need is enough Zoni to exist."
"Wish I knew that." Imagine what Ratchet could have done and made knowing that.
The "room" (if you could call it that) that the battery was in was tiny. There was only enough space around the cylindrical power source for Ratchet to fit rather uncomfortably inside.
"Who ever made this place should be fired." Ratchet stated, not liking the construction at all.
Clank stood there looking around, and taking into consideration what Ratchet had said.
"I think this place was optimized for Zoni."
Ratchet continued to slowly make his way to some papers he had his eye on.
"Well, at least they were considerate enough to leave a manual."
He peered through the limited manual. In it there was simply product specifications, and a picture depicting the parts. Ratchet stared at the first page until…
CLINK!
His head shot up, eyes trying to find what caused the sound.
"Sorry Ratchet, didn't see the metal beam up here."
"What are you doing up there?"
"Checking the power intake."
After putting his robotic hands on one of the thick wires, he confirmed what IRIS had erred about. There was only a trace of energy going into the battery. Using his 'special robotic senses', he also concluded the wire was not damaged in any way.
He knew this could only mean one thing. There is no energy available from the outside. And there were two possibilities for that:
One, most or all of the Zoni traveled very far away (the radiated energy concentration decreases with distance).
Two, almost all of them died.
The first one is disturbing. The second one is scary.
Scary, because the Great Clock uses the same energy. You simply can't operate the clock without needing some. Once Clank realized this, he had to call Sigmund. He still had the internal ability to call the inside of the clock.
"Sigmund, are you there?" Clank said, hoping he could get an answer quickly.
It only took fifteen seconds for him to show up.
"Clank! I thought you were never going to call again!"
"Sorry about the wait. How is everything in the clock?"
"Everything is up to standards."
"Are there any abnormalities?"
"It's a bit lonely, but otherwise...wait. Have any of you been opening portals again?"
"Why does it matter?"
"The radiation from them scared off the Zoni about three months ago."
"No. Not that I know of." Clank went silent for a second. "So you're implying that the Zoni are gone again?"
"Haven't seen any for a week."
"Heads up Sigmund, we have lost power to a Zoni battery. I recommend preparing for a significant power loss."
"I've already cut the unnecessary stuff. What else should I do?"
"Do a deep scan for all disturbances and fix them. Then, cut the power to all tertiary machinery."
Sigmund entered the command in his personal machine. Clank remained online.
"Starting deep scan...Calculating remaining power...forty percent." the lady voice of the computer processed out loud.
"FORTY PERCENT?!"
"No joke. I recommend the slow scan...unless your feeling a little bit risky."
"Slow scan."
"Caution, this scan will get rid of ALL disturbances, even if they are beneficial. Confirm?"
"Confirm."
"Starting slow scan, time remaining, 3 days 14 hours."
"Clank, should I be freaking out right now?"
"No, but if this lasts another week, we will be in trouble. Hate to leave, but I can't leave Ratchet for too long. I'll check back in a couple of days."
Clank disconnects. He then jumped off the battery, using his heli-pack to break his fall. Ratchet, hearing the entire conversation, could clearly tell Clank wasn't any happier than when he went up there.
Ratchet put his hand on Clank's shoulder.
"There's always a way out. If there weren't, we would not be here."
"Do you think all of them died?" Clank still had his head down.
"Don't know, but we'll investigate. Let's get out of here."
Thanks for reading. Don't forget to give this a like, put a comment in the comment section below and suscr... Wait. Forgot this wasn't Youtube.
All that I ask for is a review. Constructive but Honest is best.
Have a quarktastic day!