The Chains That Bind Us

-darksaber

Nothing binds like pain in one's heart. Nothing breaks like that pain as well. Pain they say is proof of one's existence. So the longings we have to connect, to feel, to love, to hate, to break free, to protect, to destroy are all there because we are alive. It all seems futile. Life seems so meaningless. And yet death is a fear naturally imprinted deep into our being. Such is a dilemma of living.

This apartment, dark, cluttered, and ruined, is a place I once lived in. I've had two roommates living with me here in the past. Their voices haunt the walls of this place. One has passed on, sacrificed herself to save me. Why? I keep asking myself. Why? I keep asking her her image every time I close my eyes. My life is worthless. I am a failure. I, who you you believe is the last hope for mankind's survival, has become the instrument of it's demise. Tears run down my face as the loneliness, shame, and hatred rush through me once again.

I have heard from Kaji how that incident, the second impact, took away those you hold dear. How, in an instant, you were all alone in the world. Because of that I felt you somehow understood. I grew fond of you. And I've ended up taking you for granted. With you gone, I've realized how much faith you have placed in me. And all that makes my betrayal of your trust seem so much more unforgivable.

My watch was beeping. I however did not notice that until the sun's rays blinded me. The sun has risen. It was time I go to her. My comrade in arms. The only one I have left in this world. The only other survivor as far as I can tell. It pains me to know that despite her survival, the state she is at now could be barely called living.

I walked the deserted streets of Neo-Tokyo. The once busy street has become a ghost town. The city though, despite this condition, has sustained me. I salvage food, clothes, and other various supplies I have ever needed from convenience stores, various shops, and even the abandoned homes of the residents of this city.

As a gust of wind blew past me, I thought how much colder everything was with everyone gone. The silence was deafening. Many times have I screamed, till I was left breathless, just to drive the silence away. To drive the insanity that has slowly been creeping into my mind. It seems so pointless though. No matter how much or how long i scream, the silence is always there to follow it.

In the midst of all the vestiges of war, she has become my only refuge in this god forsaken place. The fiery demoness that has always been like an angel to me. Well, angel in a traditional sense. She has become so vital to me. Is this love? I have asked myself a multitude of times. Or is it just my longing for contact with another that splurged these feelings? I try to remember how it was like before. I try to remember if I had harbored these feelings from the start. I am unsure of the answers. Reality and fantasy has intertwined to the point where I could no longer distinguish from the two.

I reached the hospital where she lies in life support. Her mind was unable to cope with the manic battles we had. She survived the mind rape only to be put down again. My foot steps reverberate across the empty halls. The lights flicker as I walked by. It puzzles me how the nuclear generator powering the city survived the onslaught of the enemy, yet mankind itself did not. How all these buildings, bridges, statues, all these relics to man's greatness outlived its creator. It worries me though. The relics are all succumbing to nature's elements. Soon the relics will join the creator to oblivion. I hope that happens after my time left on earth though.

I enter her room and see the life support that was feeding her. Keeping her alive despite her catatonic state. I went to open the window and to let fresh air and light in. The curtains blew past me with the wind. I instinctively close my eyes and as I opened them again. My eyes fell to where she lay. The veil that surrounded her bed swayed with the wind as the sun lit up and illuminated the white sheets of her bed. The scene looked dreamy.

For a moment I see her sitting up. She had a beautiful smile on her face. I see myself reaching out and gently sweep the hair that fell across her face with the tips of my fingers. I could feel my fingers brush across her warm soft skin as I lost myself in her glistening blue eyes. I feel a warm twinge in my chest as I move my hand to cup the side of her face. Her eyes closed as she held her hands to mine.

The wind blew past me again. And as the veil grazed against me, I found my hand on a spiritless Asuka. My imagination has run wild again. Before me I saw the once radiant auburn of her hair dulled, the glistening eyes that had just bewitched me torpid, her soft warm skin had become pale and sickly. I looked at her hoping that she would come alive again. Hoping she would come alive even if it be just another dream.

My hand ran across her cheek tracing her once feisty features. I found her lovely despite her pallid complexion. I drew close to her and whispered her name. I greeted her good morning as cheerfully as I could. It feels painful to smile though.

My gaze fell on a small scar by her temple. I know there is another even larger scar that ran across her arm where broken bone had once pierced. If I look closely I could see scars in other parts of her body. Scars caused by the relentless battles. All these scars that have permanently marked her, are they for nothing?

The scars reminded me of the times she had stood by my side in our battles with the angels. I could not help but be amazed by her confidence; the sheer will that pushed her forward, her thirst to be the best, to be victorious. With her by my side, I really believed that we could win. In all probability, we should have won. Misato is not the only one I have failed. I feel deep repentance for what I had done. All her scars, I've taken away their significance.

Hours past and I was just sitting there. My eyes following her steady yet weak breathing. I was entranced, as though I was being hypnotized. Visions of how she used to be flashed back in my mind. Visions on how she put me down to raise herself up, when she would brag and draw as much attention to herself, came to mind. How we had to live, eat, sleep, and even breathe together, just to be in perfect sync. How she literally took my breath away as we shared a kiss. How she cried at night as she was haunted by the memories of her past. I was drawn by her spirit. I was drawn by her sadness.

My gazed then fell to her chest, and how it very slightly rose when she took a faint breath. Deviant thoughts corrupted me as I was noticing her supple breasts. Despite good judgment, I found myself caressing her. I felt her softness in the palm of my hands. Thoughtlessly I even opened up her gown and touched her with out prevarication. My hands were shaking as I touched her skin that was still smooth and soft despite her current sate. I felt excited. I could not bring myself to stop. I traced her lips with my fingers, lightly, feeling every inch. I relished every second that I felt her before I went in and kissed her. I became lost in my desires. And when I came to, I had realized that I had once more pleasured myself at her expense.

I felt sick to my stomach with what I had done once again. And I hated the fact that I have grown bolder and more perverse each time. It seems each time I do this, I am pushed to draw the line further and further from where it should have been. I wash her clean knowing very well, that with what I have done, I had dirtied her in ways that could not be simply washed away. Despite knowing, despite all morals, I did what I did. And Despite regret, I know I won't be able to stop myself from doing it again.

I then asked myself, did I do this because of the feelings I have for her? If it was someone else, would I be doing the same thing to them? If I had truly loved her, how could I shame her by doing all these sick things? Has she simply become some sort of release for me? Have I mistaken pent-up lust for love? But despite all rationales I know that I have wronged her. I am despicable. This will have to be kept a secret. But still I should be held accountable for what I have done. I should be punished, not only for what I have just done to Asuka, but for every single one of my sins. I just want to be released from everything, I wish to be released from all the pain and suffering.

I left the hospital and walked. I walked and I walked with no particular destination in mind. I was looking for someplace to end my pathetic existance. And as though I were guided by some mysterious force, I found myself on a roadside overlooking the entire city. The sight looked so familiar with the sun setting the city on a lime light as it slowly descended into the horizon. To protect the city, to protect its people, to protect what it represents, that has been the reason why we fight, why we had to sacrifice lives. It all seems so meaningless now.

Perhaps it would have been better to have just given up. That would have saved everyone from the pain and misery caused by the war against the angels. If we had just closed our eyes, spread our arms, and accepted our demise, it would have been over long ago. We would not have had to struggle. We would not have to see all those we hold dear die before our eyes. If we would have just accepted our end, I would not have had to bear all of this weight in my shoulders.

I could feel my despondency turn to rage. Why am I the one chosen to burden all these wretchedness? Why me? Why did I have to be the one who held the key to man's salvation. I never wanted that. It is no fault of mine if in the end I was unable to meet everybody's expectation. I cursed the city with all my might. I cursed every single one of those who put their faith in me. Anger surged through every iota of my being as I cursed everything about this vile and wicked world.

I fell to my feet weakened by my outburst. I felt so empty, lifeless, as I stared at the setting sun. I then realized, as I gazed at the red skies, why the scene had looked so familiar. It was here where Kaji had told me the truth about Nerv, about the Marduk Organization, about the second impact, about Evangelion. It was also here that Misato opened up to me and told me the reason behind her dedication to her job, why she wanted me to pilot, and how she believed I could help save the world. This was where they placed their trust in me when no one else would.

No matter how much I hated it. No matter how much I regret. The fact remains that I could have saved mankind. I could have fulfilled the trust they instilled in me. What's worse is that not only did I fail, but I chose to fail. I trampled on the belief they had, on what had become their life's work. I've thrown away everything that they were. I should not have survived. I should have shared the fate of humanity and vanished into oblivion. I am a disgrace.

It seemed fitting that the city I have failed bear witness to my death. I know this will not suffice as atonement for all the wrong I have done but to continue living feels so wrong. I climb over the barrier and stood at the edge. The wind picked up and blew against me. I look down and see that it was a long way down to the hard concrete street below. Surely the height would be sufficient to bring about a fatal end to my miserable existence.

I took one last look at the sky before me. As the last rays were about to dissipate into the horizon the red sky seemed to have taken on hue of blood. How fitting I thought. That this day would end with my pathetic life. I am sorry Misato. I am sorry Kaji. You both believed in me. You passed on believing that I would fulfill what I needed to do. Forgive me Asuka. I know what I've done to you is horrible. I'm sorry everyone. I am just too weak. And with that final thought I closed my eyes leaned towards my end.

"Stop you idiot!" a voice shouted. I looked back and was surprised to see Asuka standing there. "Do you think you deserve release from your suffering?! Living is your punishment! Living with all your guilt and torment, that is your destiny now." I was in awe. She stood before me like she had in the past. Strong. Commanding. I then remembered what I had done to her.

"You're right..." I answered back unable to face her. Silence followed. I looked back up and saw that she was no longer there. Another delusion, I thought. She was never really there. But what she had said woke me up. I don't deserve death. What I deserve is what I have now. I should savor the pain for it is all that I should have. The misery, the regret, the loneliness, I should not escape all that is coming for me.

Hope however is cruel and I found myself wondering if it was really Asuka back there. Is she finally awake? It is very unlikely that it really was her. She could not have disappeared so suddenly. And yet here I am, wishing despite all odds, that it really was her.

I rush back to the hospital holding on to the tiniest of hope that when I get there she would be up and about. I wanted to hear her voice once again. I want to know that you're alright. I want to see the glimmer of your blue eyes. I want to hold you close in my arms. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to at least have you with me in this world.

But what if she really was awake? I thought to myself. What will happen now? How will she react to what has become to the world? How will she react to me? How would she react to knowing that we are the only two living survivors left on Earth? I could not stop my knees from shaking. I was feeling more and more anxious as I drew closer to the hospital.

I stood frozen before the hospital. The doubts and fears that had surfaced on the way over here started to overwhelm me. Could really face her after what I had been doing to her as she lay catatonic? I was afraid. I was afraid that she would break down knowing we had failed on our mission to save the world. I was afraid that she would realize that it was my fault humanity is all but extinct. I was afraid that, despite us being the only two survivors of humanity, she would rather be alone than be with me. I was afraid that the only other person on the world would hate me.

I fought all these fears. I deserve to be alone anyway. I deserve misery. Despite what I deserve, I wanted to see her again. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to hear her voice. I may just be longing for human contact but I can honestly say that feel for her. She has always held a special place in my heart.

I stood before her door. I could almost hear my heart beating rapidly as I felt sweat drip down from my chin. I reach for the knob and felt as if the steel was colder than it normally is. The door creaked as I slowly opened it. The sun had set by this time and the room was in darkness. I could not make out whether or not she was still in bed. I could still however see the life support running. Blinking the way it always does.

I moved to the switch to turn on lights. Then, out of the blue, I hear faint dripping close by. I then realized that drops of blood ran across from the room where Asuka lay. I turned around and saw her standing there. This was not the lively Asuka that had saved me. The Asuka I faced looked lethargic. She had a dull lifeless look in her eyes. Her auburn hair was unkempt and dishevelled. As far as I can tell, she must have wounded herself as she broke loose from her life support. I could still see the bloody tube hanging from her sides. But despite that, I felt a tear trickle down my cheek as I joy and relief rush over me.

A/N: After a very long time, I've written something here in fanfiction net. The title is pretty cliche, but that idea best fits and is the basis the story though. Tell me what you guys think.

Disclaimer: this should be a given