Contemplating on Catalano
"Jordan Catalano… Just look at him! The way he's always like, leaning into things. He makes leaning actually look cool, without making it seem like, acted or overdone. It comes like, natural to him in a way. Like he's always done it, you know?"
"And the way he always closes his eyes, like it hurts to look at the world. Oh, I can *so* relate to that! There's like this whole other world inside my head, but I don't need to close my eyes to go there. Whenever life like, surprises me or disappoints me, I go there to escape. It's like the only place where I can actually be myself. It's my safe place, the place where people accept me for who I am and don't stare after me like I'm weird."
"Yeah, I know what people say about me, like, behind my back. They eye me like, funny, all the time. The way I dress makes them talk and laugh. I think that hanging out with Rayanne Graff like, keeps me out of trouble. I'm cool by association, I guess. Unlike Jordan Catalano, who's just cool for like, being who he is. People look up to him and want to be near him. Heck, they even want to *be* him."
"I'd give anything, to have those intense blue eyes like, lock onto mine. I'd die if his hands touched me, touched my face, my cheeks. I'd like, rise from the dead again upon tasting him the moment he gives me my first kiss."
"The reason I never told him I like, want him, isn't that simple. Learning his schedule - and observing the classes he skips and the ones he does not- gives me the opportunity to linger in his presence. I know where he hangs out like, most of the time, and who he hangs out with. But somehow, I try to remain invisible. To him, I'm invisible anyway, so why should I like, bother and make a fool out of myself?"
"I'll like, watch him from a safe distance and I study his behaviour and his habits. I know his hobbies, his taste in music and his favourite hang-outs. Everything about him I can learn by observing him, I know. He's tough, but he's like, shy at the same time. I'd love to get to know the real Jordan Catalano, the one he's like, hiding inside from the rest of the world."
"Since he's not the eloquent type and I'm like, imperceptible anyway, we hardly ever speak. To him, I must be like this tiny fly, sitting on his locker. But I know having a conversation with him like, wouldn't add anything; it would probably be like, this big disillusion. Not because I don't trust him to say something thoughtful or anything, but it would probably emphasize the fact he's not into me. I don't think I'm his type and me like, talking to him would make that truth painfully clear. My dream would like, splatter into millions of pieces and I don't think I'm ready for the heartbreak and suffering that go along with it."
"But I guess the main reason that I'm like, not coming on to him, is because Jordan Catalano seems to get along with someone I know very well. Not the fact that he's spoken for tells me everything I need to know, but the fact that his love-interest is like, the opposite of me."
"No matter how badly I want things to be different, I'm not female, and I'm not her. I'm just not Angela, I'm Rickie Vasquez."
"That's why I'm like, hiding away in my safe place where everything is just the way I want it to be and I don't get hurt. Being invisible isn't always a bad thing, I guess."
The End