It wasn't easy for Henry to admit that he needed Iona's services; it was even more difficult to admit that he enjoyed it. But as he sat outside of Iona's 'office' ten minutes too early for his session, his leg jiggling nervously, his heart racing, he had to admit at least to himself that this was something that he not only needed but wanted.
This was his third appointment with Iona and he could already feel the beginning stirrings of anticipation and excitement thinking about the past two. He'd been skeptical in the beginning; once he'd given in and let Iona have her way, she had shown him how freeing it actually was, giving up control. Being bound actually brought freedom; submission was actually the only way to really let himself feel things. He'd spent so long holding everything in that the only way to break himself of it was to break his body. The sting of physical pain was always enough to open his mind and let it go. The residual burn of his body for days afterward reminded him of what it put it there and set him at ease for days. It had been long enough since his last session that he could feel his emotions build like a wave that he couldn't release on his own.
He was about ready to burst with nervous energy when the door of Iona's office opened behind him. "Alright, then…..I see you next week okay?" Iona was saying as Henry gathered his coat and stood up from the chair he had been sitting in.
Henry was already so bursting with energy that when he came face to face with the last person he expected to see his breath faulted for a moment. "Abraham?!" Henry exclaimed, his voice coming out shrill and higher than he intended.
Abe froze a foot away from Henry; his mouth fell open his face paled and a complete look of panic crossed his features. It was the same kind of look he used to have as a child when Henry had caught him doing something wrong. "Henry?" he managed to sputter out but it was nearly incoherent.
Henry's mind felt like a racing train, out of control and about to run off of the rails. Part of him just couldn't compute this. Abe, here? What was he doing here? His stomach was sinking, growing sicker and sicker each second because he knew the answer to that. He knew what Abe was doing here, knew exactly what Iona did. "What are you doing?" Henry asked irrationally even so. He wanted, needed, Abe to try to defend himself, to tell Henry that he was wrong about what was going on here.
Iona took that moment to speak, no doubt a relief to Abe. "Oh, you two know each other?" she asked curiously. She leaned against the doorframe , a wide smile on her face. Henry tried to smile back, to act normal, but he couldn't. His mind was out of control; unbidden images of what was going on while he sat out here in the hallway flashed though his brain and made a burning anger blaze in his chest.
"Yes…..we know each other" Henry said, his eyes boring into Abe's.
Abe shifted uncomfortably, his cheeks turning red. His eyes held Henry's uncomfortably before he looked at Iona. "Uh…..good day" he said, giving her the most awkward smile that Henry had ever seen before taking off down the hallway faster than Henry had seen him walk in a decade.
Henry watched his son go, feeling sorrow on his behalf. Henry knew what Iona did and while he respected it, it went without saying that people who sought Iona's services were going through some emotional trauma. Henry, up until this point, had assumed all of Iona's clients were like him; headstrong people that had silent pain that they couldn't share without feeling physical pain. Maybe that wasn't the case; maybe there was some other reason that Abe was here. But all Henry could think of was that Abe was hurting silently; that he had some pain that he couldn't share with Henry.
"Henry? Are you alright?" Iona asked gently beside him. Henry snapped out of his thoughts and forced a smile.
"Yes, I'm fine" he lied. "Shall we?" He motioned toward the door and Iona moved to let him pass through.
Henry felt uneasy and off balance, bouncing on his feet in the middle of the room as he watched Iona for guidance. He was so busy thinking about Abe that he forgot what it was that he was supposed to do first. He watched Iona as she crossed the room, going to her wardrobe to change. It was only once she started to take her dress off and reveal the usual lingerie underneath that he noticed how out of place her clothes seemed. A light, pastel colored dress with a flowing skirt; it was reminiscent of another time. It reminded him of something else…..
Abigail…it recalled a different time, a different decade when he hadn't been alone. When he hadn't been abandoned….
Henry shook his head to rid himself of the unwanted memories, glad when the dress was out of sight and Iona looked like her normal, beautiful self, unburdened by his memories. She smiled at him, looking strong and confident; ready for the session. Henry was so shaken by Abe's presence here that he couldn't get into the right mindset.
"What was Abe doing here?" Henry asked. He was frozen, rigid; anxious and tense. Iona's carefree expression seemed to darken slightly. He knew he shouldn't ask but he just couldn't help it.
Iona surveyed him curiously. "What is Abe to you? How do you know each other?" she asked.
"He's my…..roommate" Henry said. It was his automatic response but Iona wasn't fooled by it like most people were.
"And?" Iona asked with an interested raise of her eyebrow. She could see through his normal, careful façade entirely too easily.
"My friend" Henry said. He was growing more anxious, wondering why this conversation was going in this direction.
"But it's more than that, isn't it?" Iona asked. Her voice was more sympathetic; she wanted Henry to tell her the truth, which of course he couldn't. It pained him that he couldn't.
"We take care of each other" Henry said honestly heartfelt. "He's very special to me. I'm just concerned about him. Why was he here?"
Iona still seemed unconvinced that Henry was telling the complete truth but she didn't force the issue. "You know I can't tell you that, Henry" she said regretfully. "Sessions are private; end of story."
Henry nodded resignedly; he had expected as much. "Yes, of course. I suppose I'm just being…." He trailed off, worry for Abe consuming his thoughts.
There were hands on his, comfortingly. "It's okay, Henry. Time to focus on you" Iona whispered in his ear.
….
Iona had managed to do what Henry had thought impossible; she had managed to make him forget about his troubles with Abe. His muscles ached, pain radiated through his body but he felt that emotional weight off of him. His eyes were no longer red from all of the sobbing but he could still feel their fatigue and it was sweet.
It wasn't until he got home that he remembered to be worried; his freeness of emotion dissipated the second that he walked into the antique store and saw Abe working on the books at the desk. He felt like he'd been punched in the stomach as the worry rushed back to him. Aside from the very obvious fact that Henry was worried about the emotional issues that prompted Abe to seek out Iona's help he was concerned about the physical aspect as well. A session with Iona was very intense and he worried that his 70 year old son shouldn't be dabbling in it. Henry stood still, just watching Abe; he didn't look like he was silently hurting. He looked at ease, relaxed…exactly how Henry looked after he had seen Iona.
Abe sensed his presence after a few minutes and looked up at Henry over the edge of his glasses. His carefree expression melted away and anxiety colored his features before he could push it down like it wasn't there. Abe opened his mouth as if to say something but stopped himself, looking back down at his papers.
Henry walked up to the desk, nerves making him anxious but he knew that he had no choice but to say something. There was no way he could just act like they hadn't run into each other no matter how much easier that might be.
"Abe…..I know this is uncomfortable but we really need to discuss what happened earlier." Henry approached him cautiously.
Abe didn't look up from his work but Henry knew he had his full attention. "We really don't" he said, his voice tight and uncomfortable.
Henry sighed, knowing this wouldn't be easy, not that he had expected it to be. "I'm only bringing this up because it concerns me. Why were you there?" Henry asked, trying to keep his voice gentle and non-accusatory.
Abe took his glasses off, setting them down on the book harder than was necessary and Henry knew that he had upset him. "Why were you there, Henry?" he asked, looking up at Henry with eyes that bore deep into his own and made him uncomfortable. When he Henry didn't answer, Abe continued. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Don't ask me something like that when you clearly wouldn't answer it yourself."
"But I'm worried about you, Abe" Henry said, feeling his heart breaking, knowing that Abe must have silent pain even if he act like it.
"Why?" Abe asked, his expression flat and accusing.
"Because there must be some reason you were there" Henry started. "You must be feeling something that you can't –"
But Henry was cut off as Abe stood up from his chair, holding up a hand. "Let me stop you right there" Abe said, his voice more forceful and full of anger than it normally was, even when he was upset. "We are not going to discuss our feelings; we are not going to discuss what happened today. We're going to forget that we ever crossed paths today. I know you are my father and it makes you a bit nosey when it comes to me but I am a grown man. I am entitled to some privacy just like you are."
Henry knew all of that was right but that didn't stop him from pushing. "But Abe-"
"No, Henry" Abe said, clearly angry now. "Please…let me have some dignity. Drop it"
Henry watched as Abe left the room and retreated to their apartment. His heart was breaking but he let him go. What other choice did he have?
….
Henry tried to leave the matter alone; Abe was reluctant to talk and he knew he shouldn't push. But in the weeks that followed Henry found that he just couldn't put the matter out of his mind. Henry didn't mention what had happened again and things went back to normal on the surface. Henry looked carefully for some sign that Abe was not okay; searching for a sign of Abe's silent pain. But he didn't find it; Abe acted as he always had. He seemed as talkative and outgoing as he always had been. He even seemed happy…..it should have put Henry's mind to rest. But it didn't. It didn't change the fact that every week at the same time as the first time Henry had run into him, he went to Iona's. Henry hadn't been back himself; he simply watched the clock and worried until Abe came back. Every time he returned, Henry pretended that he didn't know where Abe had been and watched for signs that Abe was in post-therapy pain. But he could find nothing.
He should have left it alone but he simply couldn't. After four weeks of watching Abe come and go without saying another word to him about the issue, Henry couldn't stand it any longer. He made another appointment for himself directly after Abe's usual time and arrived early to Iona's. He had planned to sit outside the door and wait for Abe to come out to confront him, he really did.
But as he sat there, waiting and worrying, all he could think about was what must surely be happening in the room behind him. Was Abe tied up? Restrained? Being whipped? They were questions that did him no good to ask but he did anyway until his mind was so consumed with worry about the physical and emotional wellbeing of his son that he couldn't stand it anymore. Lacking any kind of discretion or thought to the repercussions of his actions, Henry pushed the door open and burst into the room.
Henry was quite sure that he had imagined every possible awkward situation that he could but even none of those prepared him for what he actually saw. He expected Abe to be hurt, to be tied up or being hit; he was sure he would find that. He didn't expect to find the completely innocent and docile sight in front of him; it didn't make any sense.
Iona sat on the edge of the couch, in that same awful dress that she had worn the last time that had given him flash backs. Abe was on the couch next to her, reclining back so that his head was in her lap as she stroked his hair. He looked so relaxed…..so at peace…he didn't even notice Henry's entrance until Iona brought it to his attention.
"Henry!" she chided him, taken aback by his very uncouth lack of privacy. Honestly, he expected the door to be locked but still that didn't give him the right to burst into here.
At the mention of Henry's name, Abe's head popped up, turning around. Even from across the room, Henry could see his face turn ten shades of red. "Henry! What in god's name are you doing here?" he asked shrilly. He was completely mortified.
Henry was confused; he didn't understand what was going on here at all. But he knew that he had made a mistake by coming here. He could see the betrayal and embarrassment on Abe's face and regretted that his rash actions had put it there. "I…..I…..uh…..Abe…I've got talk to you. Please" Henry stuttered out. Normally words came to him to easily but right now he was lost. Iona's expression was hard and unforgiving; he'd even managed to make her angry. Abe just looked sad….
"Henry, you are not respecting the boundaries of these sessions" Iona said in a clipped, professional voice. "I really think you need to leave."
Abe stared down at his hands in his lap; his face was still red. He couldn't manage to look anyone in the eye. "It's okay, Iona" Abe said, resignedly, "He can stay. I'll talk to him. Mind giving us a minuet?"
Iona looked away from Henry, her attention focused fully Abe. He was, after all, the one in…..session…..right now, wasn't he? Iona took Abe's hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze. "Are you sure? I can ask him to leave" Iona told Abe. Her voice was so calm and reassuring; it was professional and yet so unlike the normal professional tone she used with Henry.
"Yeah…..I'm sure" Abe said. Iona gave Abe's hand one last squeeze and then stood up. She walked out of the room, giving henry a scrutinizing look the entire time. The second that the door closed behind her, the air in the room changed. It felt so charged, so unwell…..
"You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, Henry?" Abe asked. Henry wanted Abe to yell, to get mad; he deserved it. But Abe only sounded tired and sad and that was so much worse.
"I tried, really I did" Henry tried to defend himself. "But I was just so worried about you"
"Even after I said there was no reason to worry about me" Abe said, his eyes shooting across the room at Henry. "You completely disregarded what I asked you to do. I wanted to be left alone" Abe looked down at the floor, his face shamed. "I wanted this to be private."
Henry wanted to approach him but he knew better; Abe wouldn't want him comfort right now. "I realize I made an error in judgment, coming here like this" Henry said carefully. "I shouldn't have come here and I definitely shouldn't have interrupted your session. But I only did it because I was so concerned."
"Yes, yes you were so concerned because I'm just a frail old man!" Abe lashed out dramatically, sarcastically.
Well, there was some truth to it. It was only realistic to be worried about a man of Abe's age taking part in therapy that could include beating and electrocution. Henry's medical and parental instincts couldn't be ignored in this. "I was simply concerned because I know how intense these sessions are" Henry said. "Is it not difficult for you physically?"
"Oh, come on, Henry. I don't let her beat me" Abe said, as if annoyed that Henry came to that conclusion. It was enough to make Henry stop and take notice.
He thought about what he knew to be true. He and Iona had just been sitting here; it was so innocent looking. Abe hadn't acted as if he had been hurting after any of these sessions so maybe what he was saying was true. But if that wasn't what was going on, then what was? Henry's mind instantly jumped to very ungentlemanly thoughts but he knew that wasn't the case. Iona wasn't a prostitute, no matter what other people thought and even if she was, Abe wouldn't need that. He did very well for himself in the dating scene; much better than Henry ever had despite his eternal 35 year old face. "You don't?" Henry asked Abe in disbelief.
Abe looked like he doubted Henry's sanity. "While I think I'm still doing pretty well for myself, I know I'm no spring chicken" he explained. "I know my body couldn't put up with all of that"
Henry felt slightly miffed. "I've been worried for weeks that she was going to hurt you…that you'd have a heart attack or something. Why did you let me believe she was beating you?" he asked with irritation. The sleep he'd lost, the constant nerves…
And then Abe looked sadder than Abe had seen him in years. "Because that was less embarrassing than the truth" he said sadly.
Henry's anger vanished; of course this wasn't about him and the worry he'd suffered. All of the worry was because he knew Abe had some very real reason for being here. It didn't matter if he wasn't being beat; he was still in therapy and that meant he was not okay. Henry dealt with his feelings in the unhealthiest of ways but he had always assumed his son didn't take after him in that aspect. Abe always seemed too well-balanced but maybe he was just an expert at covering up his feelings.
Henry felt it was safe enough to cross the room and sit on the couch next to Abe. He didn't order Henry away, so he took that as a good sign. "What is the truth, Abe?" Henry asked gently. He knew Abe didn't have to tell him but he hoped that he could confide in him even though he hadn't exactly been acting in a way that warranted trust.
Abe paused for a long time; so long that Henry was sure he wasn't going to tell him. "She helps me relax enough to be cared for" he said in such a quiet voice that Henry could barely hear him.
Henry was so confused that he spoke before he could really absorb the words. "What do you mean?"
Abe looked embarrassed "What you walked in on Henry…..that's all it is." He said.
Abe looked so flushed that Henry forced himself to think about what he would say before he said something foolishly. What he had walked in on…well, what was it? Abe had just been lying there while Iona rubbed his hair. He looked so relaxed and carefree; was that it? He needed someone to make him relax? Possibly…..but Henry thought it was more than that. "You need Iona to help you relax?" Henry asked cautiously.
"In a way" Abe said, shifting uncomfortably. He looked completely away from Henry. "I'm lonely, Henry. Not for companionship, not even for sex…for comfort. Physical comfort."
It was sad, so incredibly sad that Henry could see now why Abe hadn't wanted to share it with anyone. Abe might have friends, he might even have plenty of lovers but that couldn't give him what he needed. Henry liked to think that he gave Abe plenty of hugs and comforting touches; he didn't see Abe as a particularly affectionate person. But it was obvious he was wrong if he was coming to Iona for the comfort of being held and touched. How long had it been since he'd had that? Henry thought about everything he knew of the situation; the simple way Iona talked to Abe, her decades old clothing…..it all made sense in such a way that it made Henry's heart ache.
"Oh Abe….." Henry said, feeling his heart strings breaking but Abe held out a hand, saving face.
"I don't want your sympathy. Really I don't" Abe said , doing his best to not appear rattled. "That's why I didn't even want you to know."
"But you could have told me" Henry said. He suddenly felt terrible; should he have hugged and kissed Abe more often? Told him he loved him more? The fact that his fantasies had Iona in the exact same attire Abigail used to wear when Abe was a child wasn't lost on Henry. When Abe's mother had vanished from his life, had he felt that his outlet for affection was gone as well? Henry had been so self-absorbed at the time of Abigail's disappearance, so deep in the throes of depression that he had never stopped to consider how it all made Abe feel. He felt horrible for that now; how must it have felt, even as an adult, to be abandoned by your own mother?
"No, I couldn't have" Abe insisted knowingly. "You have enough to deal with on your own with me adding emotional baggage to it. Besides…it's not really the kind of thing one wants to discuss with their dad."
Maybe it was meant to put Henry at ease but all it succeeded in doing was make him feel terrible. If Iona still kept his appointment, he knew it wouldn't take long until he was broken in self-loathing. This time he really had a real reason for it. "Abe, I know I'm not exactly an easy person to discuss feelings with" Henry said sincerely. "But I never want you to think I've got so much going on personally that I can't care about your feelings. Because that's not true. I do care…..I always do."
Abe shifted uncomfortably. "It's not exactly easy to discuss…." He said.
"I know" Henry said. "And I'm sorry that I made you talk about it. I will never bring it up again…..if you don't want me to. I'll stay out of it. But I also want you to know that you can talk to me about it if you want to"
Henry wanted to hug Abe, to comfort him in some way but under the circumstances he was certain it wouldn't be welcome. He understood that Iona's discretion and privacy gave Abe something that he couldn't; it wasn't easy to admit needs. But Henry also wanted to let him know, subtlety, that he could do more if he needed him to. "And if you ever need anything" Henry said, as delicately as he could, "You can ask me"
Abe still looked uncomfortable about the situation in general but he managed to give Henry a small smile, "Thanks Henry" he said.
With silence and still awkwardness hanging in the air after several minutes, Abe looked around and said, "Well…..suppose I better get back home. Looks like it's your time"
Henry stood from the couch, knowing possibly the only thing that could fix his terrible behavior of the day. "No, that's alright" he said with a smile even though a part of him still ached terribly. "You can have my time. I'll arrange it with Iona"
Abe looked about to argue with him but Henry held up a hand. "It's no trouble, really. It's the least I can do"
Abe relented. "Thanks" he said awkwardly.
…
Henry would never bring it up again; this time when he decided that, he'd actually stand by his own promise. He hoped that one day Abe might be able to confide more in him about the pain he was feeling but for right now what he needed most was silence and Henry would have to respect that.
When Abe had come home from Iona's, Henry made sure to make himself scarce. He didn't want to make things any more awkward than they had been. They'd had a lovely dinner on the roof, glad for the warming spring weather and discussed everything except what had happened today; things felt normal again and Henry was glad.
As Henry cleaned up the kitchen later before retiring to his room, he couldn't help but look at Abe sitting in the living room, playing a somewhat melancholy tune on the piano. Sometimes it was so hard to see Abe as an adult and all that entailed; secrets, a lifetime of pain. He didn't want to see those things; he wanted him always to be a little boy. Henry still felt he had failed him some way; he had always wanted to protect him and somehow he had failed in that.
Feeling a bubbling of affection and hoping that Abe wouldn't resent it after their discussion earlier in the day, Henry walked up behind Abe, wrapping him arms around him in a hug. Abe jumped slightly, surprised, but then his arms went up to hold onto Henry's. "Good night, Abe" Henry said. He wanted to say so much more but he knew it wasn't the time. He had a lot to make up for but it couldn't all be done in one day.
"Turning in early, old timer" Abe teased but he held onto Henry strong as he laughed.
"Well, it really gets to you after you hit the 200 year mark" Henry teased back before he released his grip on Abe. Unable to help himself, he placed a kiss on the top of Abe's head. "I love you, Abe" He didn't say it very often and now wondered if that was an oversight.
He wasn't sure Abe would say it back; it would be okay if didn't. But Abe turned his back to look at Henry. "I love you too, dad"